Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Posted: 1/9/2006 3:46:39 PM EDT
I'm getting married in about 6 months. We are selling both of our houses and buying a new house. We are also planning a wedding. I am starting to feel very stressed over all that is going on, mainly to do with all the money. My fiancé is kinda pushing me to buy a more expensive house than I think we should buy ($650K instead of $550K). Combine this with all the expenses of the wedding and the rings, I am about to have a melt-down. I want to save money for our retirement and not waste it on a expensive house that is mostly to impress our friends. I want to keep my expenses as low as possible in case my income drops for some expected reason. Should I just STFU and take a deep breath, or should I have a serious talk with my fiancé'. I have kept my mouth shut so far to avoid conflict.

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:48:28 PM EDT
No worries. Getting married will cut both of your testosterone levels (i.e. sex drives) so you'll be able to focus better on your jobs and making money.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:52:05 PM EDT
No it is not normal. Get out now while you can, the stress only increases and the ability to relieve stress (i.e. great sex) only decreases from this day forward........
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:53:29 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:55:24 PM EDT
Yeah it's pretty normal. That doesn't mean you're wrong about the house though. Try to keep time for yourself and do the shit you wanna do, let her worry about the wedding. Most of em start planning this shit when they are 6 and it's best to just let them do their thing.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:55:31 PM EDT
the wedding is her day, so dotn sweat that, but you should talk to her about the house issue. if you have a concern, she should at least listen to you and you should have a pleasent conversation about it.

if she wants a huge house that will put you in financial jeopardy, then she is the one that needs to STFU.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:56:17 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:57:00 PM EDT
I thought I was getting a nice house when I shelled out $150k ...

Uhm, seriously, though, if you don't take a stand financially now, you'll set yourself up for big problems down the road. Just my honest opinion. I went through something similar to what you are going through in terms of finance but it was really nothing more than background noise.

My advice would be to take a good look at the things that are giving you cause for concern and make sure that there's nothing else lurking behind those concerns. I mean, how much stress are we talking about here?

For me, the stress didn't come until after I got married and it was more adjustment than anything else: "What are you DOING to my bathroom?" , "I guess you are going to have your things in my living room..." Stuff like that. It's an adjustment although I love my wife dearly. She's the most important person in my life.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:59:48 PM EDT
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:01:12 PM EDT

Eject Eject Eject
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:01:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/9/2006 4:05:42 PM EDT by K2QB3]
Have a serious talk with you fiance about financial objectives and decisions now.

You both have to be on the same page about money or your marriage will suffer.

Buying that much house doesn't sound like a great idea to me, but you need to compromise. Find out what it is she really needs in a house and get it, as cheaply as possible. she may not even know what she wants, but she likes something about that expensive house, find out what it is.

Could be you just haven't found the right house yet.

Discuss a budget for the wedding, and then get the hell out of her way. She may feel like she wants you involved in all the decisions, but you probably don't care about any of it 1/100th as much as she does. Tell her all you care about is making her your wife, and she can have the details the way she wants, but you want a house with a garage and a room for the gunsafe and reloading bench within your budget, or whatever it is you need in a house.

You're partners, don't let her take over everything, just the stuff you don't care about. If it's something important man up. That way you can both get most of what you want.

Trust me on this, she wants you to stand up and make the big decisions, always taking her wishes into account of course. She won't respect you if you don't.

You can keep your balls if you don't sweat the little stuff.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:10:31 PM EDT

Originally Posted By K2QB3:
Have a serious talk with you fiance about financial objectives and decisions now.

You both have to be on the same page about money or your marriage will suffer.

Buying that much house doesn't sound like a great idea to me, but you need to compromise. Find out what it is she really needs in a house and get it, as cheaply as possible. she may not even know what she wants, but she likes something about that expensive house, find out what it is.

Could be you just haven't found the right house yet.

Discuss a budget for the wedding, and then get the hell out of her way. She may feel like she wants you involved in all the decisions, but you probably don't care about any of it 1/100th as much as she does. Tell her all you care about is making her your wife, and she can have the details the way she wants, but you want a house with a garage and a room for the gunsafe and reloading bench within your budget, or whatever it is you need in a house.

You're partners, don't let her take over everything, just the stuff you don't care about. If it's something important man up. That way you can both get most of what you want.

Trust me on this, she wants you to stand up and make the big decisions, always taking her wishes into account of course. She won't respect you if you don't.

You can keep your balls if you don't sweat the little stuff.





That's some great advice. Thanks!!!
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:10:45 PM EDT
You are mere decoration for the wedding and party to follow.

Your job is to shit, shave, and show up on the wedding day. Her job is everything else; even if you try to help, you will be wrong and will mess up your assignment.

You better get her clear on that finance stuff now, because women are impossible to break later except by a boot to the curb, and you can't even imagine obscene spending habits at this point.

Cool it on the house buying until several months after the wedding to instantly reduce stress. Tell her that the prices are going to start falling and you want to wait for a better deal.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:11:09 PM EDT

Originally Posted By bastiat:
www.unn13.com/images/forrest.jpg





oh that was good


Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:12:22 PM EDT
First Law of Marriage: You can't really hate somebody until you marry them.

I have found that bigger houses are more convenient and comfortable and, assuming that you are buying in a decent place, you should see a good return on the extra price.

But you are wise to be concerned about spending overall. Women tend to sometimes be . . . ummm, how do I put this without getting lynched . . .. "caught up in the moment". The syndrome where the seven thousand dollar wedding dress is really OK, because, well, they were planning on spending five thousand anyway and this is only a couple thousand more, but it is worth it because it has some frilly shit on it that only comes in thousand dollar pieces, and this is the moment we will remember for the rest of our lives, and they really can't remember it very well without that frilly shit . . . . and so forth. All the while, you thought she was going to wear something she already had. Hmmmm, bet you thought you were going to serve subway sandwiches at the wedding dinner, too.

Well, maybe that isn't your exact situation, but you will see that in parallels. Already the plans that you have no clue about are being constructed behind your back. Her mother and every female she knows is in on it. They are all convinced that your wallet is deep and that you are more than willing to spend whatever extra little thousand here and there is required to keep your bride happy. Wellllllll . . . . they aren't really convinced you would support it -- they just never gave it a moment's thought.

When will you be apprised of the grand plan? When it appears on your bank statement. I am betting that if you hired a CPA to follow them around 24/7 and audit everything they did, they would still ding you for an extra ten grand over and above everything you imagined.

You will be screwed. Just accept your lot in life and assume the Al Bundy position on the couch.

But, shit, I don't know anything. I have been married thirty some years and seen more weddings of nephews, nieces, and friends than I can count. But don't take my word for it.

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:14:37 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:

Originally Posted By K2QB3:
Have a serious talk with you fiance about financial objectives and decisions now.

You both have to be on the same page about money or your marriage will suffer.

Buying that much house doesn't sound like a great idea to me, but you need to compromise. Find out what it is she really needs in a house and get it, as cheaply as possible. she may not even know what she wants, but she likes something about that expensive house, find out what it is.

Could be you just haven't found the right house yet.

Discuss a budget for the wedding, and then get the hell out of her way. She may feel like she wants you involved in all the decisions, but you probably don't care about any of it 1/100th as much as she does. Tell her all you care about is making her your wife, and she can have the details the way she wants, but you want a house with a garage and a room for the gunsafe and reloading bench within your budget, or whatever it is you need in a house.

You're partners, don't let her take over everything, just the stuff you don't care about. If it's something important man up. That way you can both get most of what you want.

Trust me on this, she wants you to stand up and make the big decisions, always taking her wishes into account of course. She won't respect you if you don't.

You can keep your balls if you don't sweat the little stuff.


That's some great advice. Thanks!!!



What he said. Then take as many 3-day weekends and/or weeks off and spend them camping, fishing, & shooting with your dad, brother, and/or best friend. She doesn't want you to do anything about the wedding except kick in cash and praise her taste.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:15:38 PM EDT
I see trouble on the horizon. I think money is the No. 2 or No. 1 reason for divorce. I have couple friends where the wife spends and spends, while the husband attempts to save for retirement. It is a constant battle. It is uncomfortable to have dinner with these people because they are constantly complaining about the other with respect to money. They don't appear to be happy either.

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your fiance' about your values. If image is more important to her than saving for the future, you have probably selected the wrong mate.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:28:05 PM EDT
Wow. Buying a house was one of the most stressfull things I have ever done. And you want to do it while you plan a wedding? OMG you're insane.

I personally would do one thing at a time. Start with the wedding. Granted I splurged at mine - but maybe you can rein her in on a few over the top items.

Once that is done - then look at a house. Spell it out to her on how the finances need to be handled. Compromises may have to be made. But I think showing her how much better off you will bet later in life might wake her up.

And if she doesnt have the wedding to think about, she can actually take the time to think about the house decission.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:58:39 PM EDT
Some more advice, since you asked.

What do you need a $550-650K house for? I live on the west coast and I wouldn't consider spending even half that, particularly not to impress my friends.

My friends are impressed by the fact that I put up with their shit and am there for them when they need me...

For $600K it better come with a big shop, barn, private rifle range, slave girls....

Here's a good phrase, remember this phrase!

"Wow! look at this place! I bet it takes forever to clean!"

My first wedding cost $22K, and it lasted 18 months.

My second wedding cost $2K, and it's lasted seven years so far.

I enjoyed the second wedding way more than the first.

When my wife and I were house shopping, we looked at everything we could in the area we'd decided to live, from $40K bare lots to $400K custom estates we could never afford. We had a real good idea of what we wanted, but what we found was completely different than either of us expected.

We looked at each other when we saw the place from the road and both knew we'd found our house.

(It didn't hurt that it had everything we needed plus a saltwater view and was under $100K)

That's how it will be if you've found the right place.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:59:00 PM EDT
I hate these marriage threads because I see nothing but trouble.

I really do hope things work out.

But having perfected pessimistism to an art form I see doom. If she is pushing for a bigger house now, it's only because she is already planning the divorce and is using you to trade up in houseing knowing she'll get the new house and spousal support as supplimental income.

Expecting a future drop in income isn't just smart it's a necessity. If you both keep your jobs great, you'll have many years ahead of you to live well. If she quits hers to stay home and take care of the house or kid(s) will you be able to live well, survive, or just eat raman noodles on your income alone?

Retirement will be here before you know it. You will get old at some point and may not ba able to work. She may or may not be with you at that point. Go with the sure bet and put some money aside for yourself at least.

Money kills more relationships than anything else.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:05:18 PM EDT
I have plenty of television studio and field experience in my semi-distant past. Just as our Rule Number One is "all guns are always loaded", their rule is "the microphone is always hot".

The beginning of our wedding video has me saying "here goes nothing" as I walk out into the church.

No, I haven't lived it down after more than 3 years.

Yes, it's normal to be nervous.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:14:44 PM EDT
Like everyone else said...financial issues are the biggest strain on a relationship...

And as boring as this sounds....DO IT...work out a budget right now...Figure out how much you will be bringing in net...AFTER TAXES...and calculate how much you can afford house wise and everything else....don't forget...clothing, food, eating out, entertainment, entertaining friends, utilities, gas, electric, water, sewer, satelight, cable, DSL, gasoline, car payments, car maintenance, car insurance, home owners insurance, home maintenance, home repairs, life insurance, retirement (401K and ROTH IRA's), new furniture, sofas, chairs, tables, washer dryer, beds, place settings, lightbulbs (if you are buying that big a house - you will need new furniture) all this stuff goes to decortating the house (SHE WILL WANT TO DO THIS), cleaning lady?, gardner? landscaping costs,...I think that about covers it...

Figure that out, and buy the house you want with what is left. That is the best advice I can give....And if she does not want to do this...cut your losses - SERIOUSLY. And if you don't want to do this...you should not be getting married.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:19:31 PM EDT
You better discuss financial issues now, before you get married. If you and her cannot come to an agreement on life goals, ejecting now is a lot easier than afterward.

If you do come to terms and the wedding happens, let her handle things. The groom's job is to show up sober, smile and repeat what you are told. Things are much smoother if the rules are followed.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:21:18 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/9/2006 5:26:24 PM EDT by John_Wayne777]

Originally Posted By TacticalStrat:
I'm getting married in about 6 months. We are selling both of our houses and buying a new house. We are also planning a wedding. I am starting to feel very stressed over all that is going on, mainly to do with all the money. My fiancé is kinda pushing me to buy a more expensive house than I think we should buy ($650K instead of $550K). Combine this with all the expenses of the wedding and the rings, I am about to have a melt-down. I want to save money for our retirement and not waste it on a expensive house that is mostly to impress our friends. I want to keep my expenses as low as possible in case my income drops for some expected reason. Should I just STFU and take a deep breath, or should I have a serious talk with my fiancé'. I have kept my mouth shut so far to avoid conflict.




Buying house............................................................................Stressful.
Selling house............................................................................Stressful.
Trying to convince future wife to live within your means.......Stressful
Planning Wedding.....................................................................Stressful
Trying you convince future wife that her "perfect day" will impoverish you for the first 10 years of your marriage...........................................................................Stressful
Trying to keep your mouth shut to avoid conflict...................Stressful

And guess what? It isn't going to get less stressful unless you get a handle on things RIGHT NOW. You both need to stop, step back for a minute, and decide if you really can be married. She won't seem so wonderful when you are 3/4 of a million in debt and can't see your way out. That can turn into hatred and loathing REAL quick.

You need to stop the whole process NOW and get the money thing straight. Period.

Do you know how many marriage situations I have heard that are exactly like the one you are describing? Do you know how many of those marriages lasted? Not very many. In fact, only one, and only because they went to counseling and actually listened to what wise people were telling them.

If you think this is eating at you now, wait until 2 years from now. You will have ulcers.

Marriage in the state of affairs you are describing is a BAD IDEA. Stop all the planning and all the movement until you both come to an understanding about money.

Bad money decisions will KILL A MARRIAGE AND MAKE YOU BOTH MISERABLE. HAPPILY EVER AFTER WILL NEVER HAPPEN THIS WAY.

I say this with your best interest in mind and with experience counseling couples who have been in the same place.

I cannot overstress the importance of this: DO NOT START YOUR MARRIAGE WITH THE INABILITY TO TALK TO YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE ABOUT SERIOUS MATTERS AND WITHOUT A PLAN TO LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS.

If you guys can't resolve this issue, you shouldn't be married.

Once you say "I do" you cannot undo it. That person will be a part of your life forever, and potentially a miserable part that sucks the will to live right out of you. It is better to never marry than to marry wrong.

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:22:03 PM EDT

Originally Posted By fatk1d:
I thought I was getting a nice house when I shelled out $150k ...



In some areas of the country you can't buy an outhouse for less than 400,000.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:23:57 PM EDT
My wife and I were very much on the same page when it came to our wedding / honeymoon.

It was expensive but I figure we are only doing it once. I don't regret any of it. Took me about 4 years to finally pay it all off.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:24:48 PM EDT
GET OUT NOW!!! This is a window into the things that are about to happen to you, my friend!
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:28:36 PM EDT
In the name of all that is holy, listen to the voice of reason here.

If this relationship was a Tomcat your left engine would be shot out, your variable wings would be stuck, and you would have a Mig on your tail about to get missle lock.

You CAN recover from this, land safely and patch things up to good as new.

But only if you pull some radical moves. If you keep doing what you are doing you are going to be blown to bits.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:42:06 PM EDT
Daaaaayyyyyyuuuuum! I feel like shit now. If I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, I'd be halfway into a bottle of scotch right now.

I need a day at the range to relax and think. I think I'm gonna take a vacation day on Friday and do that.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:42:10 PM EDT
new marriages and hotter women are "always about the money" remember this..
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:53:55 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/9/2006 5:58:48 PM EDT by PaintItBlack]
Good luck. My wife is mostly frugal and I was glad our whole wedding from beginning to end cost less than $5k. That was 11 years ago, but we paid cash for everything.

ETA: There was a guy at work who's daughter got married to an Italian guy. The dad chartered a 727 to bring his entire village in from the Dominican Republic. The dining hall seated 700 people for dinner. He went in hoc for close to $200k. His daughter got a divorce 8 months later, devastated his life's savings.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:57:55 PM EDT
Well, I got married (elopement ) while our home mortgage was closing. We had already found a house and the loan was in process, getting married wasn't in the original plans. When the marriage did end, I got the house and the dog, the stocks, the side business and all but one of the cars. She got a check and the newest car (and its payments).

My sister had the big wedding. My Dad shelled out $$s, my Mom made me come home from Europe a week early, hotels for the out of town family, limo's, all of it . That marriage lasted 2 years, he got everything.

Speaking from those experiences, I say stop the wedding NOW. Deal with the home first and give it some time. The home purchase will tell you alot about alot of things, including both yourself and her. It will also give her a better grasp on the financial realities of life. Then decide if you are still even interested in the wedding.

If the situation goes bad, a home is a disposable asset, while the money spent on a wedding is vapor.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 6:03:48 PM EDT
Buying a 650k house is not that bad of a thing. Chances are it will appreicate. But maybe talk her into a 400k home and a 250k duplex to rent out.
Top Top