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Posted: 1/9/2006 12:51:31 AM EDT
This thing is full of funny military-oriented humor and truisms.

Examples:


The problem with the Iraqi army is that they use Russian defense tactics.
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw them into your territory.
3. Wait for winter to set in.




BRITISH MILITARY PERFORMANCE REPORTS

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

* This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely-won't-be.

* When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
...
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.




Helicopters can't really fly, they're just so ugly that the Earth repels them.



The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.



Q: How is being in the Army like an orgasm?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.




The reason the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "Secure the building."

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.




Q: How do you know if a fighter pilot is in a bar?
A: He'll tell you.




You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.



SALMON DAY: The experience of swimming upstream all day, only to get screwed and die in the end.


I think you can still get it from amazon..."Your Other Left! Punch lines from the front lines", ISBN 0451212126, by Michael Hirsh.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 12:55:47 AM EDT


post more, please.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 2:29:44 AM EDT

Originally Posted By KS_Physicist:


You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.





Back in '93 while UDP in Iwakuni, Japan, we had a pilot land with his gear up. He didn't end up in a mass wreck, but needless to say the aircraft was beyond repair. How he did it without actually crashing is beyond my comprehension. He got transfered right after we got back to the states.


And no, I'm not kidding.....
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:06:15 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/9/2006 3:08:49 AM EDT by ar10er]
Squawk Sheet
Problem
Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution
Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution Evidence removed.

Problem IFF inoperative.
Solution IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution That's what they're there for.

Problem Number three engine missing.
Solution Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem The autopilot doesn't.
Solution IT DOES NOW.

Problem Something loose in cockpit.
Solution Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution Cannot reproduce Problem on ground.

Problem Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution Live bugs on order.

Problem DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution Volume set to more believable level.

Problem #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem F/A's complain of numerous roaches in the galleys
Solution Roaches deplaned

Problem 3 roaches in galley.
Solution 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem Mouse in radio stack.
Solution Cat installed in radio stack.

Problem Weather radar went ape-%@#&!
Solution Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up %@#&!

Problem Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution Wound clock.

Problem Autopilot drops a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Solution Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Problem Lower Rotating Beacon half-full of water.
Solution Lower Rotating Beacon topped off.

Problem Approximately 2 each wires in bundle burned.
Solution Removed and replaced between 1 and 3 wires.

Problem No 2 engine oil overserviced.
Solution No 2 engine oil under-overserviced.

Problem Aircraft handles funny.
Solution Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!.

Problem Target Radar hums.
Solution Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:38:30 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 1/9/2006 3:46:55 AM EDT by Sukebe]

Originally Posted By Hydguy:

Originally Posted By KS_Physicist:


You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.





Back in '93 while UDP in Iwakuni, Japan, we had a pilot land with his gear up. He didn't end up in a mass wreck, but needless to say the aircraft was beyond repair. How he did it without actually crashing is beyond my comprehension. He got transfered right after we got back to the states.


And no, I'm not kidding.....



Same thing happened in the summer of 84. An A 4 jock from 211 IIRC. He was doing touch and goes and on one appraoch, apparently he ignored the gigantic orange and white "WHEELS" sign. He sat it down right on the wing tanks. The only real dmage other than the tanks was the underside of the nose.

A few weeks later as they trans Pac'd back to El Toro, one of them took fuel down the intake during an in flight re fuel. The plane was lost but the pilot was picked up by a Japanese fishing boat. They had a run of bad luck their last month.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 3:57:46 AM EDT
Real write-ups in logbooks:

Pilot write-up: Suspected bird strike on canopy.

Me: Checked, found suspected bird guts on canopy and rotor. Cleaned suspected guts and inspected canopy and rotor.



The next one was by a pilot that had his head up his anal orifice all the time and was a real assho** to his maintenance people.


Pilot write-up: 20mm shoots 3 feet to the right at 1000 meters.

My corrective action: Aim 20mm 3 feet to left of 1000 meter target.

Col White agreed pilot was asshat but still chewed on me for that one! It was worth it.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:10:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Sukebe:
Back in '93 while UDP in Iwakuni, Japan, we had a pilot land with his gear up. He didn't end up in a mass wreck, but needless to say the aircraft was beyond repair. How he did it without actually crashing is beyond my comprehension. He got transfered right after we got back to the states.



There's a video around somewhere of a Flanker which landed gear-up. From the Russian Knights air display team. After it stopped, they craned it up, lowered the gear, set the aircraft down, and it flew home.

NTM
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