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Posted: 1/8/2006 5:05:21 PM EDT
Mine:


back in med school, driving into work at a major hospital 5:30 am. As I enter the parking garage, my colon suddenly starts re-inacting a WWF match. Hits very suddenly and within seconds I am in a total cold sweat, doubled over in pain. Have to drive up 4 levels to find a spot, and I realize that there is no possibility of making it down the garage elevators to the hospital lobby level bathroom. Duck into a stairwell and let nature take its course in a corner. In mid-volley I hear people coming down the stairwell. I have no cover or ability to manuever. I make my only play - cover my face with my jacket and finish spackling the concrete.

Link Posted: 1/8/2006 5:07:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ClayP:
Mine:


back in med school, driving into work at a major hospital 5:30 am. As I enter the parking garage, my colon suddenly starts re-inacting a WWF match. Hits very suddenly and within seconds I am in a total cold sweat, doubled over in pain. Have to drive up 4 levels to find a spot, and I realize that there is no possibility of making it down the garage elevators to the hospital lobby level bathroom. Duck into a stairwell and let nature take its course in a corner. In mid-volley I hear people coming down the stairwell. I have no cover or ability to manuever. I make my only play - cover my face with my jacket and finish spackling the concrete.




Hammer time!!! Can't touch that!!!....So I ain't even gonna try.
Link Posted: 1/8/2006 5:07:59 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ClayP:
Mine:


back in med school, driving into work at a major hospital 5:30 am. As I enter the parking garage, my colon suddenly starts re-inacting a WWF match. Hits very suddenly and within seconds I am in a total cold sweat, doubled over in pain. Have to drive up 4 levels to find a spot, and I realize that there is no possibility of making it down the garage elevators to the hospital lobby level bathroom. Duck into a stairwell and let nature take its course in a corner. In mid-volley I hear people coming down the stairwell. I have no cover or ability to manuever. I make my only play - cover my face with my jacket and finish spackling the concrete.




Oh and a...this is meaningless without pics!
Link Posted: 1/8/2006 6:04:12 PM EDT
Where's the Ryan's steakhouse story?
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 4:58:08 AM EDT
Similar story -- I had a bout with what was probably enteritis just after I got to Taiwan. Whatever the bug was, after flushing all of the semi-solid shit out, it was still causing me to lose a thin yellowish fluid out my ass, mostly water, at very high pressure (either due to gas buildup behind it or due to the colon muscles bunching up). After days with no solid food, it was finally beginning to get better, and I absolutely had to go out and get something to eat. I hit the bathroom, cleaned up, hurried out, and got dinner.

Unfortunately, by the time I was finishing the food, the fluid and pressure had built up inside my colon again. If you've ever had enteritis, you'll know -- there's no way to prevent the fluid from squirting out at high speed. So I left a yellowish puddle on the chair I was sitting on, and walked the half mile back to the apartment with soaking wet jeans and liquid running down my legs.

The previous few days had been marginally better -- it was only half as far to the nearest convenience store (I bought a lot of "sports drinks" and candy bars), but the buildup was faster and the pressure was higher. I lost it twice as I climbed the stairs to the apartment, both times when on the top flight (which was steeper, forcing me to lift my legs higher) despite hurrying there and back both times.

However, I think I was even more mortified the time I left the bolt closed on my rifle (Rem 700) during a cease-fire at the range, and with a just-fired empty in the chamber. The RO saw the closed bolt on the rack, opened the action, and the brass hit the ground. He sighed and shook his head, but didn't say anything. Oops.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:05:54 AM EDT
Walking in on my in-laws having sex.

And FREEZING in place for like..................30 seconds (mother in law was hot).
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:12:41 AM EDT
I was on a game show on national TV. To make a long story short, it had been a close battle and we were in the challenge round. I had to answer three questions to win a new car, as opposed to two for one of my competitors, and one question for the other.

I was determined not to lose. With lightning reflexes I beat both of my competitors to the buzzer three times in a row. I nailed the first two questions with ease and then it was a dead heat between me and the leader.

The third question came up: "What is the astrological sign for May 7?"

I can tell you that, given three seconds to think about it, I knew the answer to every question on the show. But you only have one second to think about it. "Sagittarius," I said. Wrong answer. I didn't get the new car.

From the audience my wife screamed, "You idiot! That's my birthday!!"
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:20:46 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:35:25 AM EDT
That's movie material!


Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
You asked.

As a youth, I was walking in the park one day and met a hot redhead about a year older than me. We strike up a conversation and I end up by taking her to a movie matinee. After the movie, she invites me into her grandmothers house who has gone to the store. To my pleasent surprise, we end up upstairs doing the deed. This girl is quite the wildcat and very vocal.

Next thing I know, grandma is coming up the steps screaming about a boy or something like that. I was kind of busy. I grab my clothes and climb under the bed. I can see the steps from my hiding position and there's grandma with a butcher knife in hand. While the girl tries to explain why she is in bed during the middle the day, grandma's piss ant pouch makes a beeline for my head and starts licking my face. I'm pretty much freaking out at this point and grandma isn't buying the story.

Grandma starts searching the room. When she goes to the closet which is the otherside of the room, I grab my clothes and make a beeline for the steps. The pouch is now barking like hell and snapping at my heals. I run out the door, across the busy street causing two cars to squeel their tires to a stop, and run though the city park in front of the house butt naked. I ran fast as I could right by the tennis courts and a baseball diamond with game going on. The laughter and applause was deafening.

I had bad dreams about being naked in public places for about ten years after that.

Tj

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:37:15 AM EDT
Only one? Jeez... I need to think on that one and pick from about 2-3 dozen.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 5:49:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Punani:
That's movie material!


Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
You asked.

As a youth, I was walking in the park one day and met a hot redhead about a year older than me. We strike up a conversation and I end up by taking her to a movie matinee. After the movie, she invites me into her grandmothers house who has gone to the store. To my pleasent surprise, we end up upstairs doing the deed. This girl is quite the wildcat and very vocal.

Next thing I know, grandma is coming up the steps screaming about a boy or something like that. I was kind of busy. I grab my clothes and climb under the bed. I can see the steps from my hiding position and there's grandma with a butcher knife in hand. While the girl tries to explain why she is in bed during the middle the day, grandma's piss ant pouch makes a beeline for my head and starts licking my face. I'm pretty much freaking out at this point and grandma isn't buying the story.

Grandma starts searching the room. When she goes to the closet which is the otherside of the room, I grab my clothes and make a beeline for the steps. The pouch is now barking like hell and snapping at my heals. I run out the door, across the busy street causing two cars to squeel their tires to a stop, and run though the city park in front of the house butt naked. I ran fast as I could right by the tennis courts and a baseball diamond with game going on. The laughter and applause was deafening.

I had bad dreams about being naked in public places for about ten years after that.

Tj




Penthouse Forum, February, 1994, IIRC.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:16:26 AM EDT
6th Grade. A case of the old sneeze and fart.

I was sitting in math class and had to fart, but I held it in until I was squirming from all the pressure. Then all the sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. As much as I tried to hold the fart, it ripped away. I was also sitting in a wooden chair which amplified the fart 10 times. Everyone laughed at me for a long time.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:27:06 AM EDT
At a friend's party, I got really drunk and stripped down to get in a running hot tub. But as I was climbing in, I lost my balance and fell on my ass buck naked in front of about 6 girls who were sitting on the deck. They didn't laugh, just kind of a shocked silence. Then I found out the guys in the tub were gay. My friends wouldn't let up about that.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:29:29 AM EDT
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:32:02 AM EDT

Originally Posted By michaelj1978:
6th Grade. A case of the old sneeze and fart.

I was sitting in math class and had to fart, but I held it in until I was squirming from all the pressure. Then all the sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. As much as I tried to hold the fart, it ripped away. I was also sitting in a wooden chair which amplified the fart 10 times. Everyone laughed at me for a long time.





DAMN Them wooden chairs!!!!!!
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:33:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By michaelj1978:
6th Grade. A case of the old sneeze and fart.

I was sitting in math class and had to fart, but I held it in until I was squirming from all the pressure. Then all the sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. As much as I tried to hold the fart, it ripped away. I was also sitting in a wooden chair which amplified the fart 10 times. Everyone laughed at me for a long time.



I recall one day in Jr. high history class I had something I shouldn't have at lunch and had a case of gas that would solve the national energy problem. I was sitting in the front row. About halfway through the class I heard one of my friends in the back row cry out "Oh, crap!" and fall out of his chair. I was making eyes water all over the room. It went on for the full hour and it was some of the worst I have ever produced.

At the end of the class the teacher came up to me and glared at me and told me that if I ever did that again he would throw me out of the class. Not send me to the principal's office, mind you -- just outside. It probably wouldn't have helped. It would have taken a pretty stiff breeze to blow that stuff away. None of my friends ever challenged anyone to a farting contest again.

But that wasn't embarrassing really. Just funny.

Link Posted: 1/9/2006 8:42:10 AM EDT
Ran out of gas in a very busy intersection causing a huge traffic jam. I pretended it was engine trouble until the my dad showed up with a gas can. I got a lot of dirty looks while i filled the car up.
Link Posted: 1/9/2006 9:08:50 AM EDT

Originally Posted By TomJefferson:
You asked.

As a youth, I was walking in the park one day and met a hot redhead about a year older than me. We strike up a conversation and I end up by taking her to a movie matinee. After the movie, she invites me into her grandmothers house who has gone to the store. To my pleasent surprise, we end up upstairs doing the deed. This girl is quite the wildcat and very vocal.

Next thing I know, grandma is coming up the steps screaming about a boy or something like that. I was kind of busy. I grab my clothes and climb under the bed. I can see the steps from my hiding position and there's grandma with a butcher knife in hand. While the girl tries to explain why she is in bed during the middle the day, grandma's piss ant pouch makes a beeline for my head and starts licking my face. I'm pretty much freaking out at this point and grandma isn't buying the story.

Grandma starts searching the room. When she goes to the closet which is the otherside of the room, I grab my clothes and make a beeline for the steps. The pouch is now barking like hell and snapping at my heals. I run out the door, across the busy street causing two cars to squeel their tires to a stop, and run though the city park in front of the house butt naked. I ran fast as I could right by the tennis courts and a baseball diamond with game going on. The laughter and applause was deafening.

I had bad dreams about being naked in public places for about ten years after that.

Tj



I had a similiar situation like that but it was with her parents instead (which i never met yet mind you)..im in the girls room and all of a sudden we hear the garage door close, well pure adrenalin kicks in and i grab all of my clothes and rush down the stairs and go out the front door as they are coming through the back. i jumped in my car and clothed in there and proceeded to leave the driveway unnoticed. girls excuse to parents: he was absent in class and he was picking up some material...that wouldve been a great way to meet the girls parents
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