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Posted: 12/29/2005 3:37:54 PM EDT
Deer Santa:
> > I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
> > all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
> >
> > Dear Billy,
> > Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
> > How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read
> > and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
> > least HE can spell! Santa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
> > is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
> >
> > Dear Sarah,
> > Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
> > Santa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
> > for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what
> > you can do. Love, Teddy
> >
> > Dear Teddy,
> > Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in
> > a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back
> > to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's
> > time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos
> > instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Sa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
> > carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
> >
> > Dear Susan,
> > Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
> > face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two
> > words, Jim Beam. Santa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
> > making toys? Your friend, Thomas
> >
> > Dear Thomas,
> > All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every
> > year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have
> > a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
> > low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
> > squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money.
> >
> > P.S.
> > Tell your mom she got the part.
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
> > we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
> >
> > Dear Jessica,
> > Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
> > I'm skipping your house. Santa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dear Santa,
> > I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
> > PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
> >
> > Timmy,
> > That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
> > crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
> Santa
> >
> > eTTTeTTTeTTTeTTT
> >
> > Dearest Santa,
> > We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
> > home? Love, Marky
> >
> > Mark,
> > First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
> > getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a
> > house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex.
> > Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
> > through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
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