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Posted: 12/21/2005 1:08:23 PM EDT
It was the holiday season or so the crappy song states.

My favorite parts of the Christmas season are giving the perfect gift to someone and company Christmas parties. This is a story about Christmas parties, particularly last year's.

I love the free booze, food and when the people that I work with make assholes out of themselves. I have been known to make an asshole out of myself on occasion, but this isn't about me. This is about some of the dumb-asses that I worked with.

I moonlighted at a restaurant on Saturdays. I can do the job with my eyes closed and I got paid pretty well to do it. One of the reasons that I stayed so long is the annual Christmas party.

That year, the powers that be made the mistake of placing the beer outside of the bar, for common reach. This allows the under-agers access to the social lubricant, also providing the lushes easy access as well. This story chronicles two such lushes that do NOT handle their booze well.

1st Chronicle: The demon hose beast cunt, inhuman succubus, one my ex's.

She sucks. She's not a good person by anyone's standards. She uses people for personal gain. She's a fucking stealing thief of other's personalities. I don't like her. I'm telling you how I really feel. But, it's so funny to watch that train-wreck of social inaptitude.

She was FUBAR, 45 minutes into the party. I stop paying attention to everyone else and focus my attention on her, capturing every detail for jokes to be made later, at her expense. A little early X-MAS gift for me.

She started by fluttering about to others at the party, babbling incoherencies. Did you hear about her / him doing this / that only to find out their boyfriend / girlfriend found out? Fucking gossip. It can be funny when it comes from someone that doesn't devour IQ points.

She then proceeds to give two of her immediate bosses, lap-dances. In front of their wives. I thought she was going to get her ass kicked and that made my nipples erect, among other things. When she started to remove her shirt, after carefully removing her belt, it was decided to remove her. God bless, America.

She showed up to the after party, held at my old roomie's house. With precision and accuracy, she became an expert in mailbox replacement. When two mailboxes don't mesh well with their surroundings, it's best to ram them with your new car, taking into consideration that your hood looks better folded in half and that you can see the road a hell of a lot better with no windshield.

When it came time to replace the mailboxes the next day, as they were the host's neighbor's postal depositories, she bought the necessary materials. She then expected said host to do all of the work in replacing them. Suffice to say, he told her where she could stick the 4x4 post when crunch time came. That just gives you an idea of how shitty a person she really is.

2nd Chronicle: Drunky McSlutterson and the little blowjob that could.

We all know her. We all know that we could have had her gaping minge that fateful evening. Usually, she's making copies of her ass on the Xerox machine. Other times, she lay in ambush for prey under the mistletoe. She's the Christmas slut, and we love to hate her or hate to love her.

Wandering about in an inebriated state, she stumbles into your personal bubble breathing her vodka-sperm medley of spittle into your grill. You try to avoid her at all costs, unless of course, you yourself become intoxicated, in which she is a heaven-sent angel, with a hole and heartbeat.

I was not a fallen soldier that eve. My girl was there and she protected me from myself. Sometimes, we all need a little protection from ourselves.

She gravitated to a Korean kid that busses tables at the restaurant. The drunken lioness singled out her wounded antelope.

I didn't pay much attention to their illicit romance; I was entranced by the pretty girl to my left and my ex being evacuated like a bowel movement. I heard later that a romantic interlude in the parking lot, in which fellatio, or what I like to call playing the skin-flute, was interrupted by an off-duty police officer. No charges were filed, as far as I know. However, her involvement circulated throughout the restaurant to her embarrassment.

The best part was this: a co-worker approached her the day after said incident, to make a simple statement. I quote:

"I heard you had some Chinese food last night."

Her retort: "He's Korean, dickhead."
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:09:09 PM EDT
Oh shit.
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:11:53 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:12:10 PM EDT
Goddamn, Tostitos. You ain't right in the head.
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:12:26 PM EDT

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:
Oh shit.



+1
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:12:26 PM EDT

Originally Posted By VooDoo3dfx:
Oh shit.



yeah wow
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:13:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Tostitos:

"I heard you had some Chinese food last night."

Her retort: "He's Korean, dickhead."








Abe
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:13:59 PM EDT
WTFO???
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:15:24 PM EDT
I thought you were leaving for the day.
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:17:02 PM EDT
IBTL...just to be safe.
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:17:42 PM EDT
lol ok who's troll account are you?

Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:20:35 PM EDT
80 posts today and counting....

A NEW RECORD!!!
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:23:56 PM EDT

Originally Posted By moparman71:
80 posts today and counting....

A NEW RECORD!!!



wow someone is bored or drunk huh?
Link Posted: 12/21/2005 1:24:05 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/21/2005 1:24:05 PM EDT by The_Beer_Slayer]
read the coc before posting again
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