Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Posted: 12/20/2005 11:20:04 AM EDT
-Bruce Willis wasn't so much 'born' as 'spawned;' he is, however, older than time itself.

-Bruce Willis' house was once broken into by a burglar when he was younger. He confronted the intruder by sort of squinting at him, whereupon the burglar killed himself in shame.

-He tried this manuever again, when he was mugged in an alley. It didn't work this time, so he just created an MP5 out of thin air and shot the mugger, which did work.

"Die Hard" was made when the Nakatomi Building in LA was captured by German terrorists, and they decided to send in Bruce Willis and a camera crew. All of the ass-kicking is real, except for the part where he steps on the broken glass. They made one of the terrorists do that.

-While on location in Africa shooting "Tears of the Sun," Bruce Willis fed all the starving children in Zimbabwe by sort of squinting at them. They haven't had to eat again to this day.

-To perform his death scene in "Sin City," Bruce Willis shot himself in the head. When he saw it and noticed that they turned it into a cartoon scene, he went to have a chat with the production staff. There were no survivors.

-Bruce Willis would never fight either Chuck Norris or Vin Diesel, because he refuses to hit women.

-Bruce Willis once owned a farm that grew corn, but his crops were ruined when he sort of squinted at them and the corn all turned into awesome.

-Bruce Willis once emptied a landfill by pulling out an MP5 and shooting the garbage to death.

-Bruce Willis actually killed himself for his role in "The Sixth Sense." He later came back to life by sort of squinting at his body.

-For his role in "Unbreakable," he actually crashed the train in the opening scene, by pulling out an MP5 and shooting the rails to death.

-In "Pulp Fiction," Bruce Willis was supposed to have thrown the boxing match, but he actually killed the actor playing the other boxer, so Quentin Tarantino decided to keep it in. The Gimp was actually also played by Bruce Willis, because he's the only man who would have dared getting that close to himself.

-Bruce Willis meets with God every weekend to play poker, but he always manages to get God to fold by sort of squinting at Him.

-One time Bruce Willis tried roundhouse-kicking somebody in the face, then stated "this kicking shit is for pussies," and just sort of squinted at the person until they exploded. Every woman in a five mile radius simultaneously climaxed and didn't know why.

-Bruce Willis invented Diet Coke after crapping out his daily meal of cigarettes and MP5s. He then proclaimed it "a drink fit for Chuck Norris and other pussies." Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face upon hearing this, whereupon Bruce just sort of squinted at him until he pissed himself.

-Every year, on his birthday, Bruce Willis finds a child with cancer, and just sort of squints at him until the cancer is cured.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:20:41 AM EDT
No.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:22:06 AM EDT
Chuck is going to kick your ass for being a copy cat.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:22:16 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:26:47 AM EDT
Too bad you don't have an avatar you could turn into a Bruce Willis Tribute.


Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:28:55 AM EDT
Pffft. Even Steven Seagal could kick Bruce Willis' butt.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:30:13 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/20/2005 11:30:44 AM EDT by WILSON]
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:30:47 AM EDT
Bruce Willis survived going down on G.I. Jane. Come on, have you seen those thighs, harder than a 14 year old dancing with a senior at prom. He's a thousand, nay, a million times tougher than Norris.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:31:20 AM EDT
The word "squint" was used entirely too often.

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:32:37 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/20/2005 11:33:27 AM EDT by akethan]
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:34:06 AM EDT
The cop that shot himself in the leg with a Glock Fo'ty can kick Bruce Willis's ass. With the leg injury, even.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:34:33 AM EDT

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



Talk about punked.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:36:23 AM EDT

Originally Posted By SmilingBandit:

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



Talk about punked.

Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:41:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Dusty_C:

Originally Posted By SmilingBandit:

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



Talk about punked.




Be careful, Dusty is the president of the Ashton Kucher Fan Club.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:42:01 AM EDT
I vote that..."teh Ghey"!
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:42:14 AM EDT
Bah. Bruce Willis is cool, but he's no Chuck Norris.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:49:26 AM EDT
Keep it up, you guys. One of these days Jack Palance is gonna come around and sweep the floor with the shriveled nut-sacks of all these Nancy-boys.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:49:34 AM EDT

Originally Posted By MagKnightX:
-Bruce Willis once owned a farm that grew corn, but his crops were ruined when he sort of squinted at them and the corn all turned into awesome.





That has to be the worst line of anything I have read in awhile, Im just not even sure the point of it...corn to awesome huh....interesting...
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:58:13 AM EDT
Bruce Willis Need Not Apply
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:59:18 AM EDT

Originally Posted By ARKAN_the_Tiger:

Originally Posted By Dusty_C:

Originally Posted By SmilingBandit:

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



Talk about punked.




Be careful, Dusty is the president of the Ashton Kucher Fan Club.



I thought I was mildly amusing at the very least.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 11:59:38 AM EDT


-Bruce Willis would never fight either Chuck Norris or Vin Diesel, because he refuses to hit women.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:03:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By mjohn3006:


-Bruce Willis would never fight either Chuck Norris or Vin Diesel, because he refuses to hit women.



I like the line too. but it would sound much better if it were...
Chuck Norris would never fight either Bruce Willis or Vin Diesel, because he refuses to hit women.


Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:04:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



After going down on GI Jane Bruce realized he deserved some younger pussy. So he squinted at Ashton and Demi until they ran away in fear.
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:12:28 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Gunner1X:
Chuck is going to kick your ass for being a copy cat.



Uh oh... you have offended the Chuck Norris Sheeples... is this in the pit yet?
Link Posted: 12/20/2005 12:14:56 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ARKAN_the_Tiger:

Originally Posted By Dusty_C:

Originally Posted By SmilingBandit:

Originally Posted By akethan:
Breaking news!

Bruce Willis' kids are being raised by some boy named Ashton and he is tapping his old lady.



Talk about punked.




Be careful, Dusty is the president of the Ashton Kucher Fan Club.

No I wanna see if Demi can squeeze me to death with them thighs. Her legs are my obsession.
Top Top