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Posted: 12/19/2005 12:40:56 PM EDT
As teh year draws to a close, I'm sure many others are doing the same as I am right now. I have to have mine done by EOB Thursday, so be sure to with me luck and pray I can cough up some creative bullshit to put down on the form.

I guess this is the way employers do this nowadays. Make your employee write his/her own performance review, and be sure to do it at the last minute with little to no input from your boss, except for at the very end where they have edited the thing and sent it to you to sign.

This will be my third go around, trying to come up with new ways to say the same thing to questions like:

"Use your expertiese and knowledge of internal and external customers to help develop creative, effective solutions, services and products..."

"share information clearly and sensitively with all individuals to achieve mutual understanding and effort.."

My guess these come from the same book used by all big companies. Frankly, I hate it becuase I have to get more and more creative with my answers each year. Fire up Word and break out the thesaurus!
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 12:47:58 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 12:52:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/19/2005 12:52:51 PM EDT by resistor]

Originally Posted By The_Beer_Slayer:
DEAR LORD i hate that useless crap. We ended up maing a basically a form letter we just change our names on and rubber stamp into the website. funny we all have the exact same crap lited. The other one we have that is a complete waste of time and effort is the CAREER PLAN.

we post our education requests and what we want to get accomplished toward furthering our career. Unfortuanantly no one gets promoted until peopl die or get laid off. Either way your head is on the chopping block next if you take the promotion. NEVER not once has my plan actually been referenced. I get plenty of schools each year, sadly NONE of them ever apply to what i do and seldome apply to what i need.

Corporate Bullshit pisses me off.



Trust me, its tempting to cut and paste from years past! At least that way, it would show consistency!
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 12:55:54 PM EDT
Aw crap! I haven't done my annual performance review yet!

Well, since I am the Prez and the only employee, I guess performance reviews will be done at the shooting range this year...
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 12:59:22 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:04:07 PM EDT
I used to work for a company that used the 360 degree review system. You could write a review of anybody you worked with in the course of a year. For some reason, everybody in the company was really helpful. Those with attitudes didn't last all that long. Very few of those people with the compnay anyways. My second interview was a 3 hour bull session. The company looked for a certain personality type first. They could teach you the rest.

When it cam time for than annual bonus, everybody got the same amount from the president to the receptionist. They felt that they paid fairly for the job you had, but everybody was working hard at making the cimpany a success.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:04:33 PM EDT
Get ahold of the corporate "goals and objectives" from the last shareholder mtg. and cut/ paste and modify to your heart's content. More fun than whipped cream, but beware: hard to get that bullshit smell out of your work clothes.

Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:04:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By The_Beer_Slayer:
the first year i wrote a complete bunch of horshit in mine. more less that i saved the world single handed, slayed dragons and defended virgins. NOTHING was ever said and seriously doubt it was ever read.





ours are not the fun

its basically 1-5 and comments,

I fill out 5's my employer round them down to 4's (because 5 is supposed to be unattainable, like the buddhist idea of perfection)

and we finish up another year.

I had one the other day, I put in for a "service award" (basically going above and beyond what you do) and I Was told if I want to write up my proposal they will submit it for me .

Thanks jackasses.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:08:16 PM EDT
I have been putting off doing mine. I need to get it done this week. I'm scared. I have to put down that I need to spend less time on Arfcom at work, despite there not being much of anything to do much of the time
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:09:08 PM EDT

Originally Posted By giacutter:
Get ahold of the corporate "goals and objectives" from the last shareholder mtg. and cut/ paste and modify to your heart's content. More fun than whipped cream, but beware: hard to get that bullshit smell out of your work clothes.





Too funny! mI might have to use that one!
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:25:26 PM EDT
At my last job, I was brutally honest about my performance when I had to fill out my performance review sheet. "Photokirk has problems with time management, but he is working hard to improve." "Photokirk
has very little patience for chit-chat when action is necessary." "Photokirk gets bored easily in meetings."

My boss started laughing during my review because he said that most people just wrote a bunch of bullshit. I got my bonus and a good review from him.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:30:04 PM EDT
Writing one's own performance review is second only to the exit interview on the all-time worst personnel management ideas ever. If your supervisor won't take the time to reflect on your performance, why should you provide fodder for criticism?
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:33:11 PM EDT
write a description of your accomplishments and base it on the requirements of the next job up the chain....this way you can convince them to promote you
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:33:46 PM EDT
Make sure you use NUMBERS... As in saved the company over $XXXX , or aquired XXXXX new clients or accounts. Numbers it the shit and cannot be argued with.


If you are getting the job done that is...

Aviator
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:38:17 PM EDT
I have the guys that work for me write their own reviews but only because I have to according to my boss. If it was up to me alone they'd get the max available assuming they weren't idiots. Of course I'm not very tolerant of idiots so they wouldn't be working for me and the problem solves itself.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:45:44 PM EDT
I worked in a hospital in my youth and they tried that shit with us. I told my boss it was stupid but she ordered me to do it and said that I could write anything I wanted to about myself without fear of retribution.
I wrote, "I am a fucking genius"

She didn't ask me to do it the next year.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:51:00 PM EDT

Originally Posted By resistor:

Originally Posted By The_Beer_Slayer:
DEAR LORD i hate that useless crap. We ended up maing a basically a form letter we just change our names on and rubber stamp into the website. funny we all have the exact same crap lited. The other one we have that is a complete waste of time and effort is the CAREER PLAN.

we post our education requests and what we want to get accomplished toward furthering our career. Unfortuanantly no one gets promoted until peopl die or get laid off. Either way your head is on the chopping block next if you take the promotion. NEVER not once has my plan actually been referenced. I get plenty of schools each year, sadly NONE of them ever apply to what i do and seldome apply to what i need.

Corporate Bullshit pisses me off.



Trust me, its tempting to cut and paste from years past! At least that way, it would show consistency!




Thats what you should do cut and paste the whole thing With one change on this year's just add at the very end Employee is very consistent.
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 1:58:34 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Grivo_Mak:
I worked in a hospital in my youth and they tried that shit with us. I told my boss it was stupid but she ordered me to do it and said that I could write anything I wanted to about myself without fear of retribution.
I wrote, "I am a fucking genius"

She didn't ask me to do it the next year.



Link Posted: 12/19/2005 2:00:31 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 2:07:11 PM EDT
You have to think outside hte box and create synergy
And a paradyme or 2[
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 2:12:38 PM EDT
Link Posted: 12/19/2005 2:14:16 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Nightdriver:
You have to think outside hte box and create synergy
And a paradyme or 2[



How about this: By clearly thinking outside the box, I created a synergistic paradigm that trancended the expectations of management. Hows that for stinky?
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