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Posted: 12/16/2005 4:50:50 AM EDT
Chris Davis


Birmingham—In a startling move, evangelicals have struck the first blow in the ‘War on Christmas,’ seizing a local Target store in Birmingham, Alabama. The raid came at 8:25 a.m. as a group of thirty radical Christian conservatives, known only as “The Christmas Avengers,” stormed through the front doors with Bibles, crosses and snakes.

A couple of members of the group threw smoke grenades as they screamed at Target employees, calling them secularists and intimidating them into getting on their knees and begging for mercy. Some of the fortunate employees made it to the safety in the parking lot. The unlucky ones, however, were said to have been bible thumped and forced to repeat, “Happy Birthday, Jesus,” over and over.

The leader of “The Christmas Avengers,” reportedly went to the manager’s office, coerced him to read the story of the birth of Jesus in the Bible, and made him promise to have all employees wish every customer a “Merry Christmas.” The group finished the raid by burning all the Christmas trees and tearing down the “Happy Holidays” sign just before the police arrived.

As the leader of the group—known only as Avenger X—was carted off to jail, he argued that Christmas had become almost a dirty word in a politically correct society, where “Merry Christmas” is being replaced by “Happy Holiday” on greetings cards and public displays so as not to make people of other faiths feel excluded while implementing the liberal agenda.

The group has even criticized President Bush, which has come under attack from traditional supporters on the Christian Right for sending out 1.4 million White House greeting cards which fail to mention Christmas. The group has claimed that President Bush is not a real conservative, and certainly not a Christian conservative.

The White House greetings card has been secular for 13 years, tipping the balance, and sending the group on the morning raid. Avenger X noted that the card was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back, and that the American people wouldn’t suffer the secularism that has invaded the White House the last 13 years anymore.

“Christ is the reason for the season,” yelled Avenger X, as he was shoved into the back of the police car. “We’re going to purge this land of the secular, ‘Happy Holidays,’ if we have to do it one Target store at a time. And you can bet we haven’t forgotten about the devil: Walmart!”

“It was horrible,” cried Chris Smith, the 45-year old Target store manager. “They made me read the Bible. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get this traumatic experience out of my life. I hope there’s therapy for this.”

“I was terrified,” said a trembling Sherry Ham. “We were forced to say ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus’ over and over. Can you believe that? At Christmas? Look at my hands. They’re still trembling.”

“I’m going to sue Target. If the company can’t protect us against these right wing, religious fanatic nut jobs better than this, then they can see me in court,” said a furious Theresa Smith, shaking her fist. “I’ve had it with these people. This is the holiday season. What do they think they’re doing? For heaven’s sake!”

“Fight the liberal power,” shouted Chastity Surtan, as she was being shoved into the back of the paddy wagon. “These pigs at Target have ruined Christmas. Walmart is next, and you haven’t seen the last of us!”

Many of the nation’s evangelical churches have canceled services on Christmas, fearing that their congregations won’t turn out because it is a “family day.” The move has thrust the ‘War on Christmas’ into the national scene, leaving religious nuts torn between church and Christmas, and dividing Protestants, Catholics, Jews, Muslims and Atheists at a time when there should be peace in the world.

As the ‘War on Christmas’ heats up, will America support it, or will they ask for an immediate withdraw of Christian conservatives?


http://www.nationalledger.com/artman/publish/article_27262145.shtml


Link Posted: 12/16/2005 4:59:28 AM EDT




Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:01:42 AM EDT
I'm a Christian, BadCompany.

Does that sound like something that I would do?

Do you care if such stuff offends Christians?
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:02:12 AM EDT
OOps, forgot to mention this is satire.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:02:53 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Old_Painless:


Do you care if such stuff offends Christians?



There's a question that answers itself.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:05:45 AM EDT


I think you left out WHAT the author does for a living. Trying to stir some shit up?

Political Satire by Chris Davis

Political Satirist Chris Davis is the author of Elective Decisions and In Defense of Liberty, two political thrillers from the Whiskey Creek Press.

Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:17:01 AM EDT


Without a doubt, but it is still funny.

Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:17:06 AM EDT
I think the pagans who had their holiday stolen by Christianity should demand to have their holiday returned to them.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:20:01 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/16/2005 5:22:14 AM EDT by Miranthis]
Not to Hijack this , but what kind depravity rules in this nation when Churches close on Christmas day because it is a "family day" That beggs the question "is the family too good for the chuch on christmas or is the church too good for the family". I think that BECAUSE it is a family day I make sure we go to Mass together. My kids are learing that the church service is the central theme and that the presents will have to wait. Besides only about a third (it seems at least) of our church attends weekly mass in ordinary time. It is only on the "big days" Easter, Christmas etc, that the the rest of the parish shows up and we can meet and greet. (tongue firmly planted in cheek )

Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:22:34 AM EDT

We were forced to say ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus’ over and over. Can you believe that? At Christmas?


Yeah....Jeez can you believe it?
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:22:47 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Old_Painless:
I'm a Christian, BadCompany.

Does that sound like something that I would do?

Do you care if such stuff offends Christians?

I'm Southern Baptist. I'm gonna have to scare up some snakes.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:26:40 AM EDT
War on Christmas?

IMHO, they're all just a buch bitter fuckers with too much free time.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 5:26:55 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Miranthis:
Not to Hijack this , but what kind depravity rules in this nation when Churches close on Christmas day because it is a "family day" That beggs the question "is the family too good for the chuch on christmas or is the church too good for the family". I think that BECAUSE it is a family day I make sure we go to Mass together. My kids are learing that the church service is the central theme and that the presents will have to wait. Besides only about a third (it seems at least) of our church attends weekly mass in ordinary time. It is only on the "big days" Easter, Christmas etc, that you get to the the rest of the parish shows up and we can meet and greet. (tongue firmly planted in cheek )





There are actually only a couple churches that will be closed Christmas day. The church I attend at times, a huge church in Lexington KY, will be closed. Of course they are having 4 services on Christmas Eve. So it's not like they are just taking a week off. The reason they gave is their service is designed for community outreach and to minister to those in the community who do not know God. From their past experience those are the least likely people to attend on a Sunday that falls on Christmas. So they decided to close for the day and instead told everyone to spend the time with their family.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:00:56 AM EDT
I read the satire as being tongue-in-cheek. This is something we picture Islamofascists doing, not Christians.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:07:23 AM EDT
Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I thought satire was supposed to be funny.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:20:00 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BadCompany: A couple of members of the group threw smoke grenades as they screamed at Target employees, calling them secularists and intimidating them into getting on their knees and begging for mercy. Some of the fortunate employees made it to the safety in the parking lot. The unlucky ones, however, were said to have been bible thumped and forced to repeat, “Happy Birthday, Jesus,” over and over.
That was great. But seriously, it's better to use nuns to go in there and rap the unbelievers at Target® on their knuckles with rulers!
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:24:20 AM EDT
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:26:34 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/16/2005 7:27:08 AM EDT by Nimrod1193]
Vaguely amusing. I'll give it ½ out of five.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:43:43 AM EDT

Originally Posted By tc556guy:
I think the pagans who had their holiday stolen by Christianity should demand to have their holiday returned to them.



Should we give them Europe back too??
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:48:09 AM EDT
tag
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 7:49:17 AM EDT

Originally Posted By squeezecockerp7m8:

Originally Posted By tc556guy:
I think the pagans who had their holiday stolen by Christianity should demand to have their holiday returned to them.



Should we give them Europe back too??


I wouldn't want it, would you?
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 8:55:34 AM EDT
let the far right and the far left duke it out

leave me out of it
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 9:11:25 AM EDT
{sigh}

Why do these people do this? It only makes all Christians look stupid.
Link Posted: 12/16/2005 9:13:32 AM EDT

Originally Posted By BadCompany:

I'm Southern Baptist. I'm gonna have to scare up some snakes.



Was this what you had in mind?
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