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Posted: 11/10/2005 5:07:15 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/10/2005 5:48:53 PM EDT by Snaps]
Things you should know about Chuck Norris

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1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:09:00 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:12:13 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:18:26 PM EDT

Chuck Norris invented home guyn equipment, too.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:19:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By kc0iwx:



+
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:21:46 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Snaps:
19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.



Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:22:23 PM EDT


<--Chuck Norris
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:22:30 PM EDT
Fuggin' Chuck Norris.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:22:35 PM EDT
I needed a diaper while reading some of that.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:23:48 PM EDT
Some of those were good.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:23:51 PM EDT
That Chuck is one baaaad motherf...shutcho mouth!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:24:22 PM EDT
Yeah, I laughed a bit, but seriously, what the f$&#?
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:25:24 PM EDT
rad
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:28:40 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
Fuggin' Chuck Norris.



Damn, beat me to it.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:30:10 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:30:17 PM EDT
thats funny as hell my grama loves Chuck Norris.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:33:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Blue84S10:



+1 My god that was funny.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:34:03 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Snaps:
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.





Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:34:13 PM EDT

that had me in stitches!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:36:05 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/10/2005 5:46:13 PM EDT by p331083]
Obviously you guys have never the legend of... VIN DISIEL!

Vin Diesel defeated Forrest Gump in 99 straight games of ping pong. After losing the 100th game, he went on a rampage and created the Grand Canyon.

Vin Diesel is bisexual: he likes both women and girls.

If all living things are carbon based, what is carbon made up of? Three parts Vin Diesel and a pinch of John Stamos.

Vin Diesel ate Gary Coleman for a dollar.

Vin Diesel once destroyed a Catholic orphanage after a nun neglected to put "The" before his name when addressing him.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:36:31 PM EDT
Does he smoke too?

Because I swear I saw him at Lambert airport one time. Looked dead like him, but he was smoking. he also didn't kick anyones ass, so not sure really...........
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:39:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ShamusMcOI:
Does he smoke too?

Because I swear I saw him at Lambert airport one time. Looked dead like him, but he was smoking. he also didn't kick anyones ass, so not sure really...........


Chuck Norris? THe only time Chuck Norris smokes is after every kill he grinds the bones of his enemies and smokes a small portion while absorbing their soul.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:39:10 PM EDT
I guess some of it is funny, but, despite his not-so-great acting, Chuck Norris is a genuinely nice guy.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:39:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/10/2005 5:42:06 PM EDT by LVMIKE]
Chuck Norris killed the dinosaurs.

Australia wasn't "down under" until chuck Norris decided to put it there in 1847.

Chuck Norris once invited Charlie Murphy's crew over to play horseshoes. There were no survivors.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:46:04 PM EDT
oh god it hurts
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:46:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Gunner1X:
That Chuck is one baaaad motherf...shutcho mouth!



Ya' know I'm only talkin' bout Chuck!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:48:16 PM EDT
Pacino said it was Chuck's FNC
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:49:39 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/10/2005 6:04:07 PM EDT by LVMIKE]
Chuck Norris is the only man known who has the stamina and pain resistance necessary to watch both Baby Geniuses movies in a single sitting.

As a young child, Chuck often liked to, "try this at home". This is why we now drive on the right.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:57:48 PM EDT







Link Posted: 11/10/2005 5:58:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By deimos:










+1
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:01:09 PM EDT
Dude, if you don't think Chuck Norris is totally awesome, you should just kill yourself right now.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:09:04 PM EDT
those are pretty good, where'd you find em? I see Vin Diesel has a list also.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:10:04 PM EDT
Genius!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:10:18 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/10/2005 6:22:19 PM EDT by LVMIKE]

Originally Posted By sixgunsblazing:
those are pretty good, where'd you find em? I see Vin Diesel has a list also.



Most of those type of jokes are Vin Diesel jokes. A gaming forum community started a thread making fun of a player and alot of people made some funny ones.

Q: What came first; the chicken or the egg? A: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris defied MC Hammer and touched it.

If you ask Chuck Norris "How much wood would a wooodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood," Norris will promptly chuck a woodchuck through your skull.

Chuck once seduced the Statue of Liberty, but her career got in the way of a lasting relationship.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:16:21 PM EDT
thank you Chuck Norris.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:20:25 PM EDT


Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:20:28 PM EDT
ta-aa-aa-ggg I need a new box of cleanex
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:21:01 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:21:40 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:22:25 PM EDT
nobody things chuck norris isn't great... so nobody has to go off themselves right now I'd think
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:22:54 PM EDT

Originally Posted By 2IDdoc:
Dude, if you don't think Chuck Norris is totally awesome, you should just kill yourself right now.


I think he will do it for you!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:23:36 PM EDT


not that there's anything wrong with that
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:24:46 PM EDT
Chuck Norris is the toughest midget that I ever met.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:26:12 PM EDT
He's got nuthin' onBRUCE LEE!!!



Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:29:29 PM EDT

Originally Posted By RadicalRight:
He's got nuthin' onBRUCE LEE!!!

imagecache2.allposters.com/images/MMPH/24814.jpg



who do you think killed bruce lee? And Brandon Lee? ah huh.. that's right
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:40:04 PM EDT
There was nothing wrong with the Tower of Pisa, until chuck punched it!
A bomb didn't kill Uday and Qusay, Chuck Norris Did!
Chernobyl happened because Chuck lit a fart!

these are off the top of my head!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:41:16 PM EDT

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
Fuggin' Chuck Norris.



I'm drawing a blank, what movie is that from?
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:42:58 PM EDT

Originally Posted By SF1058:

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
Fuggin' Chuck Norris.



I'm drawing a blank, what movie is that from?



DodgeBall
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:45:16 PM EDT

Originally Posted By dave223:

Originally Posted By SF1058:

Originally Posted By GabbasaurusRex:
Fuggin' Chuck Norris.



I'm drawing a blank, what movie is that from?



DodgeBall



Now I remember, thanks!
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:47:27 PM EDT

Originally Posted By TxLawDog:
Chuck Norris is the toughest midget that I ever met.



He's also the tallest midget that I've ever met.
Link Posted: 11/10/2005 6:47:46 PM EDT
Chuck is really a great guy, and so are his brothers...AND he's my alltime favorite actor.



Just remember...."In the eyes of a Texas Ranger...."

HH
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