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My "Dad" "Do you want a smack?" what kinda question is that? Taffy |
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That and a ruler on a desktop... we Catholic-raised girls feared the almighty ruler more than the ALMIGHTY RULER.... |
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Welp, I've got a threat story for you. By everyone elses standards, it's probably pretty lame but it's late and I'm sorta bored. On with the story, but first a little background. I work at a Target Department store in NH as a phone operator (TSC). Yesterday, my bosses husband called me and wanted to speak to his wife (my boss). I called over the walkie and she didn't respond. So, I called an LOD to see where my boss was. The LOD told me that my boss was in the middle of orientation. So, I told this to the husband and asked him if he would like to leave a message. The inconsiderate jerk hung up on me. He called back 4 or 5 times over a course of a few hours. Every time he called, his wife, my boss, was doing the orientation (orientations last 5 hours or more). Each time, I would ask him if he would like to leave a message and each time, he would hang up on me. He was getting more and more irate with each time he called. The last call he made, he said he was coming down to the store. Well, I was on the phone when I saw my boss come in with this older looking gentleman. With the orientations earlier in the day, I thought he was just another trainee. To make a long story short, he told me that the next time he had to come back to the store, he would be throwing things. He also told me that I was to go look for my boss if I couldn't reach her over the walkie. My boss had given me specific orders when I was hired to not abandon the call center to look for ANYONE. I'm a very easily intimidated person (size alone doesn't scare me, but size plus loud does. Sitting all the time in the wheelchair, everyone towers over me). So, I was like okay, I understand. When he left my boss apologized to me for her husband. Appearantly, he'd been having a rough day with his 4 1/2 year old daughter. Lame I know, but there you go. |
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And, always a favorite "I'm gonna burn your wife to the ground, and fuck your house to death". Followed by a rather embarassed "oops!".
Bob |
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"Who said that? Who just signed their own . . . not-alive-anymore certificate? Was it you, Private? You think the army's just one big joke building! What's your name?"
"Sir, Bennet, sir!" "Not anymore, Bennet! From now on your name is mr. . . .smilin', laughin', foolin'-around man!" |
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Threats...... let see. I heard this from a fellow officer on a heated domestic between some obvious crack heads that stated they were not afraid of the police.
I will set the scene.... Midnight shift, approximately 3am or so. A night where you pray the calls to 911 will stop. Domestic / Fight in progress comes out over the radio. We are upgraded due to weapons being presented and individuals starting to use the weapons. We arrive on scene about 4 Officers in separate cars deep.... We tell everyone to show us there hands, we start an approach towards several individuals with OUR guns drawn. 2 individuals start to tie up in front of us about 15-20 yards out we give them commands to stop as we approach. They IGNORED the command and a officer comes from the low read and beads down on chest of one of the aggressors and SAYS, "If you dont stop that SHIT right NOW!!!!, I am GOING TO SHOOT YOU and DICK FUCK the Hole In your Brain." It DEFINATELY gots some attention and verbal talking from the supervisor due to a complaint. OHHH well.... It was funny. |
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My favorite, that I have used twice:
"I will initiate such pain and misery upon you and those you hold dear that when I go to Hell for what I will do, the Devil himself will bow to my artistry, and the angels in Heaven will weep tears of blood at the horror that I will inflict upon you." Seemed to do the trick. Kind of embarrassed about it now, but at the time it seemed the right thing to say. |
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If you don't walk away right now, you'll be picking up your teeth with broken fingers.
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One of my friends is a cop, and her favorite is "Motherfucker get on the ground! I will shoot you in the fucking eye! On the ground now!" This coming from a 5'4" blonde is hysterical. It's even funnier when she was recounting the story at the bar after a few drinks. Her inside voice was not used.... |
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I'll slap you around until you piss like a puppy.
I'll grab you by the ears, gouge your eyes out with my thumbs and skull-fuck your eyesockets.. If you take that last potato-skin you'll be pulling back a bloody stump! |
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"I'll Cut off your balls and shove them up your ass so that next time you take a crap, you'll get shit all over your balls."
"I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you piss, you will piss in all directions." America, Fuck Yeah! |
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"When you meet God, tell him that you never saw evil so personified as in the eyes of the man that killed you."
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Two men in a bar face to face...
"The only thing between us is air" <The man makes a sucking in air sound with his mouth> "And now that's gone" GM |
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But. I have to say that tifosi's is one I'm going to have to rememeber |
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Any threat to kick my ass over the internet has always been amusing...
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I had a confrontation awhile back that I posted here..I dug it up from the archive
archive.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=227164 A couple of nights ago I was walking out of a Wal-Mart to my car on a freezing ass cold night. Two young guys (one black one white for ID purposes) were laughing and running across the lot (why I'm not sure) I did notice that the black guy was laughing and out of breath and making a honking sound. His friend tells him "Hey that guy just called you a jackass" I look over to see who they were talking about and sure as shit he's pointing at me! Black guy starts to approach... "Whassup" I say nothing and keep walking towards my car. "Whassup!" now they are both coming. I reach the passenger side of my car first and unlock the door. I reach down grab my Glock 30 and put one in the pipe (out of his view) Both guys arrive "WHASSUP!!" Now I have my left hand in my car on the Glock.I'm righthanded but in order to face these guys, keep one hand on the gun without taking it out into plain sight I had to use my left. I look the guy straight in the face and In the calmest voice possible I say. "I didn't say anything to you..Your Friend is trying to get you killed" Well after a few mumbled obscenities the situation is diffused and both walk away quietly. I figure most are going to say that I should have gotten in my car and locked the door but the passenger seat was full and I wasn't sure I could have reached the driver's side in time. BTW...I do have my carry permit but I was on a lunch break at work. I don't/can't carry at work |
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"You do that again and I'll cut your fingers off."-one of my uncles from when I was five. It had the desired effect. We joke about it today.
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Moe: "You little punk, if I ever catch you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my boat with your brains."
Moe: "If I ever find you, I'm gonna gouge out your eyeballs and stick 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap outa you." Clark W. Griswold: "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?" Clarence: "I've got the muscle to shove so much of this (cocaine) factory up your stupid wop ass that you'll shit snow for a year!" Jesus Quintana: "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes 'click.'" Finally: "Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" |
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Son, you'd rather sandpaper a bobcats ass in a phonebooth than to fuck with me...
Senior Chief Eads, USN |
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I saw the 1st LT (Deck Division), a crusty CWO wearing SEAL trident say that to a cocky E3. E3 tried to play it off, but it scared the crap out of him.
Those crusty old chiefs and warrant officers had some of the best threats. I wish I could remember them now. |
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damn, that's funny. Didn't happen in Lawrenceville did it? I'll make sure I start behaving myself when the old lady and I are up on crack and duking it out in the front yard. |
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When I was in high school, my girlfriend told me that a new guy in school had been harassing her and grabbing her ass in the hall. She had told him to stop and he grabbed her arm and wouldn't let her go. He was on the basketball team so I waited for him in the parking lot after practice. When he came out, I grabbed him with no warning and threw him over the hood of his car. As he lay across the hood of his car, I grabbed the basketball he dropped and slammed it into his gut. "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!" I yelled.
"N-n-n-n-no." he stammered. "I'M THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO'S GIRL YOU'VE BEEN HARASSING!" I replied. "N-n-n-n-no I didn't." he replied. I shoved the ball against his face and asked, "CAN YOU DRIBBLE THIS WITH YOUR WRISTS?" He was really confused and stammered, "W-w-w-what?????" "BECAUSE I AM GOING TO CHOP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF IF YOU EVER PUT THEM ON HER AGAIN AND YOU'LL HAVE TO DRIBBLE WITH YOUR FUCKING STUMPS!!!!" I yelled as I threw his ball at his face and stomped off. After that he wouldn't even look her in the eye. Three years later he pulled up next to me at a gas pump, and started to get out of his car. When he saw me standing there he froze for a second, then got back in his car and went to the gas station across the highway. I guess it worked. |
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Older sister to younger sister while out shopping... "You give me any more trouble and you'll die a virgin."
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Boy, you gonna look pretty funy eating corn on the cob, with no fucking teeth.
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watch your mouth, or you will be wearing your butt for a collar.
my high school phys. ed. teacher and wrestling coach Mr Bean. when someone called him "old beanhead" and he was right behind the guy. |
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I am going to take nice old Dorothy Mantooth to a nice seafood dinner, and then NEVER call her again!
At work when telling people to stop fucking around I will tell them I am going to sever various body parts and put them in the garbage compactor. |
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TollBooth Willie: "Fuck you, you fucking uppity bitch! I'm gonna fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fucking mothers! Your gonna die bitch! I'm comin' outa the boo-oooth!"
Rufus: “Hey! What I just did gave me a fuckin migrane, so if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sack off like a paper towel!” |
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That is the first time I have read the entire thing. OMG!!!! That is some funny shit.
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"I'll beat you so fucking bad, when you show up at the pearly gates, St Peter won't recognize your bitch ass."
"If you keep on fuckin' with me, I'll lay an ass-whoopin' on you they'll write songs about." "Shut up, before I come over there and slap a flat spot on top of that stupid-ass head of yours." |
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One of the more eloquent ones from a movie:
Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death. Westley: No. To the pain. Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Westley: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it. Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. Prince Humperdinck: I think your bluffing. Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. [slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] Westley: DROP... YOUR... SWORD! [mouth hanging open, drops sword to floor] Thanks, of course, to IMDB cause I didn't trust myself to get it all right. |
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Where are the pics.....oh never mind I thought it said "Breast Treats"
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I'm gonna divorce your ass and take you for everythng you own.
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That sound makes me cringe.....it almost makes me wanna look around to see if Dad's gonna walk around the corner and give me a whoopin |
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The Nigerian threatening the ANUS guy was the best ever...nothing will ever top getting deaded.
HH |
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Midnight, chasing an armed robber, my partner and I run into him coming around a building. We draw down and my partner yells " Blink and you will DIE in total fucking darkness!!! I will leave a lingering pink mist where your head used to be !!!!!
It's hard to maintain a sight picture and laugh at the same time. |
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1. You still have all your original teeth? I said this to an asshole at work. Took him a second or two to get it.
2. The best threat I have ever heard was the one I didn't hear, but saw. |
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Full Metal Jacket? |
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