Quoted: Allright guys, she called and we are going to dinner.   I got my way tonight but I have a feeling that it's not going to be the last of it. I know I have to compromise but it seems as if she dosen't care one way or another. I even said, "It's not my intention to keep you away from your family". Then I asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner. She said "it's up to you". Damn, have a friggin opinion! Oh well, at least I'll have a couple of cold ones tonight.

If you really want to know what's going on IM me your email address and I'll email you a book that explains what she is up to and how to deal with it.  This book has definately helped me understand what is going on.

All of your gut feelings are right, first that she was controlling things and second that this is not the end of it.  The subtle thing going on in your relationship right now is her testing you to see where the balance of power and control lies.  Tell me if this is not what happend to you yesterday: she called and wanted to change plans, you offered something different, she threw a fit and you wanted to comply to make her happy...but deep down in your gut you knew that something wasn't right if you did that.  Which is why you posted here.  She was testing you to see if you would back down and give control of your life over to her.  When you didn't she tried another test.  She will keep on testing you until you either "set her straight" or you back down and give her control of your life...at which point she will probably dump you for being a wuss.

She's already tried the "pissed off" test and it didn't work.  Now she is giving you the "whatever you want" test.  This is where she acts distant, disinterested, and uncaring towards you but still spends time with you.  You've already sensed this which is good.  When you see her acting this way rour natural reaction will be to kiss up to her, maybe buy her something, or give control to her...to try to please her and make her happy.  Don't do it, first of all it won't make her happy and second she will have won control over you.  Instead ignore all of her "problems" be happy, fun, and have a good time.  If she wants to act like a spoiled little brat call her on it.  Don't let her get away with second class behavior, you deserve better.

There is also the crying/pouting test.  The "you don't love me anymore" test.  The cold shoulder test.  The make you feel guilty test.  It sounds like you have a real drama queen on your hands.  If you remember one thing that is to have fun regardless of her behavior.

Quoted: Allright guys, she called and we are going to dinner.   I got my way tonight but I have a feeling that it's not going to be the last of it. I know I have to compromise but it seems as if she dosen't care one way or another. I even said, "It's not my intention to keep you away from your family". Then I asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner. She said "it's up to you". Damn, have a friggin opinion! Oh well, at least I'll have a couple of cold ones tonight.

Yeah....you're in for some fun.......and it's not that she doesn't care one way or another. Oh you damn well better bet your life savings she does care.  She's most likely still a little miffed over the issue, but doesn't want to go into it right at that time.  She has an opinion...problem is she's still a little scathed from the last time she had one!


You could simply take that, and believe that she doesn't care either way, but I wouldn't recommend it. Odds are you may very well be hearing something about it. You could pre-empt it, and over dinner say something like 'I wanted to apologize for how I acted earlier. I was being a little insensitive, but I really was looking forward to a nice, quiet evening alone with you. It was all I could think about, and because of that I didn't really appreciate what you were saying.' Something like that.....so long as you'd mean it.

God I just hope we don't get an after-dinner breakup post.  Man, can someone out there in this place get married, so we can have some GOOD relationship news??

Quoted: If you really want to know what's going on IM me your email address and I'll email you a book that explains what she is up to and how to deal with it.  This book has definately helped me understand what is going on. All of your gut feelings are right, first that she was controlling things and second that this is not the end of it.  The subtle thing going on in your relationship right now is her testing you to see where the balance of power and control lies.  Tell me if this is not what happend to you yesterday: she called and wanted to change plans, you offered something different, she threw a fit and you wanted to comply to make her happy...but deep down in your gut you knew that something wasn't right if you did that.  Which is why you posted here.  She was testing you to see if you would back down and give control of your life over to her.  When you didn't she tried another test.  She will keep on testing you until you either "set her straight" or you back down and give her control of your life...at which point she will probably dump you for being a wuss. She's already tried the "pissed off" test and it didn't work.  Now she is giving you the "whatever you want" test.  This is where she acts distant, disinterested, and uncaring towards you but still spends time with you.  You've already sensed this which is good.  When you see her acting this way rour natural reaction will be to kiss up to her, maybe buy her something, or give control to her...to try to please her and make her happy.  Don't do it, first of all it won't make her happy and second she will have won control over you.  Instead ignore all of her "problems" be happy, fun, and have a good time.  If she wants to act like a spoiled little brat call her on it.  Don't let her get away with second class behavior, you deserve better. There is also the crying/pouting test.  The "you don't love me anymore" test.  The cold shoulder test.  The make you feel guilty test.  It sounds like you have a real drama queen on your hands.  If you remember one thing that is to have fun regardless of her behavior.

Wow..gotta save that somewhere in my HDD.

don't over analyize the relationship.  my ex gf did that and it drove me f#$%ng crazy.

be in it to have fun and make sure you have something to offer her.  

party=free food=more extra money in your pocket.

back off a little, i wouldn't act like you 'don't care' ..just hold it in a little better.

might be interesting to see how she acts around family vs. alone time with you.

Quoted: Quoted: If you really want to know what's going on IM me your email address and I'll email you a book that explains what she is up to and how to deal with it.  This book has definately helped me understand what is going on. All of your gut feelings are right, first that she was controlling things and second that this is not the end of it.  The subtle thing going on in your relationship right now is her testing you to see where the balance of power and control lies.  Tell me if this is not what happend to you yesterday: she called and wanted to change plans, you offered something different, she threw a fit and you wanted to comply to make her happy...but deep down in your gut you knew that something wasn't right if you did that.  Which is why you posted here.  She was testing you to see if you would back down and give control of your life over to her.  When you didn't she tried another test.  She will keep on testing you until you either "set her straight" or you back down and give her control of your life...at which point she will probably dump you for being a wuss. She's already tried the "pissed off" test and it didn't work.  Now she is giving you the "whatever you want" test.  This is where she acts distant, disinterested, and uncaring towards you but still spends time with you.  You've already sensed this which is good.  When you see her acting this way rour natural reaction will be to kiss up to her, maybe buy her something, or give control to her...to try to please her and make her happy.  Don't do it, first of all it won't make her happy and second she will have won control over you.  Instead ignore all of her "problems" be happy, fun, and have a good time.  If she wants to act like a spoiled little brat call her on it.  Don't let her get away with second class behavior, you deserve better. There is also the crying/pouting test.  The "you don't love me anymore" test.  The cold shoulder test.  The make you feel guilty test.  It sounds like you have a real drama queen on your hands.  If you remember one thing that is to have fun regardless of her behavior. Wow..gotta save that somewhere in my HDD.

Indeed.  Whatever you do, don't get married first, and then do the above in response to this type of behavior!!!!

Quoted: Quoted: Allright guys, she called and we are going to dinner.   I got my way tonight but I have a feeling that it's not going to be the last of it. I know I have to compromise but it seems as if she dosen't care one way or another. I even said, "It's not my intention to keep you away from your family". Then I asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner. She said "it's up to you". Damn, have a friggin opinion! Oh well, at least I'll have a couple of cold ones tonight. If you really want to know what's going on IM me your email address and I'll email you a book that explains what she is up to and how to deal with it.  This book has definately helped me understand what is going on. All of your gut feelings are right, first that she was controlling things and second that this is not the end of it.  The subtle thing going on in your relationship right now is her testing you to see where the balance of power and control lies.  Tell me if this is not what happend to you yesterday: she called and wanted to change plans, you offered something different, she threw a fit and you wanted to comply to make her happy...but deep down in your gut you knew that something wasn't right if you did that.  Which is why you posted here.  She was testing you to see if you would back down and give control of your life over to her.  When you didn't she tried another test.  She will keep on testing you until you either "set her straight" or you back down and give her control of your life...at which point she will probably dump you for being a wuss. She's already tried the "pissed off" test and it didn't work.  Now she is giving you the "whatever you want" test.  This is where she acts distant, disinterested, and uncaring towards you but still spends time with you.  You've already sensed this which is good.  When you see her acting this way rour natural reaction will be to kiss up to her, maybe buy her something, or give control to her...to try to please her and make her happy.  Don't do it, first of all it won't make her happy and second she will have won control over you.  Instead ignore all of her "problems" be happy, fun, and have a good time.  If she wants to act like a spoiled little brat call her on it.  Don't let her get away with second class behavior, you deserve better. There is also the crying/pouting test.  The "you don't love me anymore" test.  The cold shoulder test.  The make you feel guilty test.  It sounds like you have a real drama queen on your hands.  If you remember one thing that is to have fun regardless of her behavior.

Oh damn.

You got yourself a PM.

Every guy I know thats catered to womens wishes,..or they're woman particulary, has regreted it in hindsight.

Who is John Galt?
AB

Quoted: WTF? Is she becoming a friggin control freak all of a sudden?

Ever consider that maybe you are?

Trust me, you make sure she's happy and stop worrying about yourself.  What happens will happen,  but by  placing her interests first, you'll be happier (that volunteer work kind of happiness, helping others) but because you'll make her happy in return, she'll make you happy.  Who wouldn't want to be in a happy relationship.

Took me a while to figure this one out.  It IS the best policy.

Quoted: . She said "it's up to you". Damn, have a friggin opinion! Oh well, at least I'll have a couple of cold ones tonight.

She did have an opinion; she wanted to go to the party and you shot that idea down.  Interpret "it's up to you" as either 'I give in and we'll do what you want' or ' I'm not going to play games with you, you want to have your way, so choose something!'.  Either value her opinion or don't ask for it.

Quoted: Quoted: WTF? Is she becoming a friggin control freak all of a sudden?     Ever consider that maybe you are? Trust me, you make sure she's happy and stop worrying about yourself.  What happens will happen,  but by  placing her interests first, you'll be happier (that volunteer work kind of happiness, helping others) but because you'll make her happy in return, she'll make you happy.  Who wouldn't want to be in a happy relationship. Took me a while to figure this one out.  It IS the best policy.

Sounds like you become her door mat.

The best way to kill a relationship early is to place demands upon it.  Let her do whatever the hell she wants.  Be supportive.  It doesn't have to be wimpy, it shows that you can take care of yourself without her.  Two things a girl should have no doubt of to stay interested in you: 1. You like her. 2. You don't need her.

Quoted: Two things a girl should have no doubt of to stay interested in you: 1. You like her. 2. You don't need her.

That's a very powerful statement.  Unfortunately it seems like most guys act the opposite of #2 and go out of their way to make her happy as if they couldn't live without her.  You will also find that dominant women hate it when a guy has both of those traits...because she knows that if she becomes too dominant and controlling the guy will walk.  

I have had several conversations about dating with my dominant female friends.  When I explain how I take charge and run my life they have said, you're not supposed to be doing that you have the power and control that the woman is supposed to have over the relationship.  I just look at them and smile and say "sure do".

Relationships should not be about power and control.

Quoted: Relationships should not be about power and control.

+1

A relationship should be a partnership, not control.  I have seen some really convoluted advice handed out here today.  

Quoted: Quoted: Relationships should not be about power and control. +1 A relationship should be a partnership, not control.  I have seen some really convoluted advice handed out here today.

I agree.  At no point did I say the guy should control the woman, just that the guy needs to stay in control of his life.  But for some reason women always test the guy to see how much control they can get over a guy.  It's really quite sad at times.  

I could show example after example of how this works, but lets just use 426maxwedge's example for right now.  Reading all of his messages he said they had planned for a quite night.  When she called yesterday she wanted to change the plans but he said he wanted to stick to the original plans.  Now here is how a normal compromise would have worked, she would have said I know it's a change of plans but I really want to go see my cousin and we can have dinner the next night.  NOTE that is not how the woman responded.  Instead she "immediately cuts me off and says she has to go".  The woman got pissed off and threw a fit.  She didn't explain what she wanted, she didn't try to compromise, she was trying to demand control of the situation and of his life.  I don't see any compromise, I don't see a partner trying to work things out, I see someone who demanded control over someone else and got pissed when she didn't get it.  It's really quite sad when someone has to act that way.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Relationships should not be about power and control. +1 A relationship should be a partnership, not control.  I have seen some really convoluted advice handed out here today.   I agree.  At no point did I say the guy should control the woman, just that the guy needs to stay in control of his life.  But for some reason women always test the guy to see how much control they can get over a guy.  It's really quite sad at times.   I could show example after example of how this works, but lets just use 426maxwedge's example for right now.  Reading all of his messages he said they had planned for a quite night.  When she called yesterday she wanted to change the plans but he said he wanted to stick to the original plans.  Now here is how a normal compromise would have worked, she would have said I know it's a change of plans but I really want to go see my cousin and we can have dinner the next night.  NOTE that is not how the woman responded.  Instead she "immediately cuts me off and says she has to go".  The woman got pissed off and threw a fit.  She didn't explain what she wanted, she didn't try to compromise, she was trying to demand control of the situation and of his life.  I don't see any compromise, I don't see a partner trying to work things out, I see someone who demanded control over someone else and got pissed when she didn't get it.  It's really quite sad when someone has to act that way.

Well, neither of us was there, so we really don't know how it went down.  Was he nice and gentle or did he demand that they not go to the party?  We don't know.  Also, he states that she was at work, so maybe she really did have to go.  Again, we don't really know.  

All this talk of control is making relationships sound like a power struggle.  Apparently, doing anything your GF wants to do is a sign of weakness and allowing her to control you.  The fact that she wanted to change their plans is not neccessarily a test, perhaps she just wanted to go to the party.  Perhaps she had just got excited about the chance to take her BF to meet her family, and was dissappointed when he said he didn't want to go, and she needed to get off the phone for a minute to compose herself.  I don't see where she demanded control over him, she just asked him to attend a party with her.  He is the one who got upset about it.  

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Relationships should not be about power and control. +1 A relationship should be a partnership, not control.  I have seen some really convoluted advice handed out here today.   I agree.  At no point did I say the guy should control the woman, just that the guy needs to stay in control of his life.  But for some reason women always test the guy to see how much control they can get over a guy.  It's really quite sad at times.   I could show example after example of how this works, but lets just use 426maxwedge's example for right now.  Reading all of his messages he said they had planned for a quite night.  When she called yesterday she wanted to change the plans but he said he wanted to stick to the original plans.  Now here is how a normal compromise would have worked, she would have said I know it's a change of plans but I really want to go see my cousin and we can have dinner the next night.  NOTE that is not how the woman responded.  Instead she "immediately cuts me off and says she has to go".  The woman got pissed off and threw a fit.  She didn't explain what she wanted, she didn't try to compromise, she was trying to demand control of the situation and of his life.  I don't see any compromise, I don't see a partner trying to work things out, I see someone who demanded control over someone else and got pissed when she didn't get it.  It's really quite sad when someone has to act that way. All this talk of control is making relationships sound like a power struggle.  Apparently, doing anything your GF wants to do is a sign of weakness and allowing her to control you.

Sorry but that is not what I'm trying say.  As I showed in my example had the girl presented the change of plans in a polite manner things could have turned out much different.  But for a guy to change his plans simply because his girl threw a fit is clearly a sign of weakness.  The relationship should be based on mutual respect for each other.  Getting pissy, either a guy or a girl doing it, shows a lack of respect for the other person and should not be tolerated.  However, for some reason men tolerate a woman getting pissy and they just accept it.  This only serves to reinforce the negative behavior and will ultimately make things worse in the long run.

I do not tolerate this type of second class behavior.  When my girlfriend is sick I take real good care of her.  When she is feeling down I work to cheer her up.  When she asks if we can do something I fit it into my schedule so we can do it.  But when she get's grumpy and demanding I call her on it.  If she doesn't change her tune immediately I tell her I'm not going to tolerate it and I leave her to stew in her own bitter mood.

I don't see where she demanded control over him, she just asked him to attend a party with her.  He is the one who got upset about it.

I'm sure you are well aware that 90% of how a woman communicates is not in what she says but in how she says or in her behavior.  She didn't verbally demand it of him but when she "She immediately cuts me off and says she has to go" she is forcing the issue and her opinion on him.  Also he is not upset that she wanted to go to the party, he's upset that at the last minute she wanted to change her mind to do something else she never even mentioned and when he questioned it she got pissed.  Had she not gotten pissed and more or less hung up on him, I doubt he would have felt put out the way he did.  She did not have mutual respect for what he may have wanted to do and that is why he is upset.

According to your view on things she wanted to change the plans at the last minute, she didn't like his answer, she interrupts him and hangs up (for whatever reason), and it's now somehow his fault for wanting to spend a quite and romantic evening with the girl that he missed so much.

Only with a woman who is trying to be dominant and in control can a guy get in trouble for trying to follow through on a promised quiet and romatic evening with someone he loves.  As I said before, it's really quite sad when someone has to act that way and destroy something so great just because they want their way and are trying to control someone else.

Create some distance. Let her come to you. Be patient, be cool, and don't act like a desperate little kid. Have your own life and don't rely on her schedule. Don't like the plans? Don't go. Keep your self respect.

Quoted: I'm sure you are well aware that 90% of how a woman communicates is not in what she says but in how she says or in her behavior.  She didn't verbally demand it of him but when she "She immediately cuts me off and says she has to go" she is forcing the issue and her opinion on him.  Also he is not upset that she wanted to go to the party, he's upset that at the last minute she wanted to change her mind to do something else she never even mentioned and when he questioned it she got pissed.  Had she not gotten pissed and more or less hung up on him, I doubt he would have felt put out the way he did.  She did not have mutual respect for what he may have wanted to do and that is why he is upset. According to your view on things she wanted to change the plans at the last minute, she didn't like his answer, she interrupts him and hangs up (for whatever reason), and it's now somehow his fault for wanting to spend a quite and romantic evening with the girl that he missed so much. Only with a woman who is trying to be dominant and in control can a guy get in trouble for trying to follow through on a promised quiet and romatic evening with someone he loves.  As I said before, it's really quite sad when someone has to act that way and destroy something so great just because they want their way and are trying to control someone else.

Whats your problem?  Why are you trying to confuse and cloud the issue with facts and reasoning?

ha

there would be no point in it if it was easy??

now  would there?

nobody told me life would be easy...

Deleted because I think she checks my email and knows who I am on this site.

Relationships ain't hard.  All you gots to do have an open communication and be able to compromise.  It ain't about controlling the other.

The hubby and I--we is good together b/c our relationship ain't hard, even before we's got married.

This one is easy!

It is because women are all completely fucking insane! (and they are trying to take us down with them)



Seriously though, GO TO THE FUCKING FAMILY THING! Stop thinking with your dick! You may have a blast! FREE FOOD! I was just like you when I was young. I then got older and realized that there are plenty of women out there and the right one will come along! I just got married for the first time in May, I'm 38 years old. I found a great woman and I go to stupid-ass family gatherings ALL THE TIME!

You'll have plenty of time to get laid in life. The pie will be there! And you can't wear it out (I've tried)

Quoted: Quoted: seriously, man, she just invited you to see some of her family. thats a nice thing and can be fun to. youve already spent alot of alone time with her so what the hell is so hard about going and hanging out with her and some of her relatives for awhile? she probably thinks you are afraid to meet her family or something. open yourself up some more, have a good time with her family, and dont worry so much. take a chill pill-and its allgood Besides, go to this, and you could get some PIE!!! Seriously she might make you dessert or something.

What they said

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Relationships should not be about power and control. +1 A relationship should be a partnership, not control.  I have seen some really convoluted advice handed out here today.   Both statement are very true.  However it is very hard to find an American girl that thinks like that.  They all know nothing but to play games. That is why I'm marring a Morroccan girl.

That's not nice!  Well, I hope you don't mar her too badly.

I agree with all of the other women that have posted. Go to the family get together....this is not a bad thing at least she wants you to meet her family. She herself would probably be wanting to do anything but go to this herself, and quit reading far too much into things. Ask her point blank why she was short with you. I would rather clear up any misunderstandings right away than let them fester and you keep thinking there is more too it. As was also stated this is nothing as far as relatonships go. If you think this is bad...just wait. Good luck and enjoy the family get together,you just might actually have a good time.

You do understand that people need time alone, right?
Go hang out with the guys at least one day and night every weekend, and one weekday night if you can (guys from work hit happy hour for a beer or two, etc).

Kharn