Well folks with the recent announcement of John Breux's retirement, and considering now that the Democrats are going to have to defend five Senate seats this year all from the South...Well things are not looking too good, and since I don't want to sit thru two more and possilbly three different Bush generatons, considering that Columbia will probably run after Jeb on a legalize drugs campaign....
Well if Howard gets the nomination this year, it's high time this southerner helps him out.
Howard if you want to win some states in the south here is what you have to do....
Visit Often, Southerners love attention, keep this in mind Southerners love attention.
When you visit Howard, let everyone know that your a Yankee, and say it that way..."Hi Folks I'm Howard Dean and I'm a Yankee" This is extermely important, southerners hate it when you pretend to be from the south and your not, (with the exception of Texas, and they don't count...Texas is a totally different animal, trust me....that's how Bush gets away with it over there, it's a different animal period).
On the other hand, southerners love it when you are a yankee, and you show an interest in being a southerner. So go to a Waffle House often Howard and order grits....make sure you order grits even if you don't like them, and make sure it gets in the paper.
Visit fun southern places, make sure you go to the French Quarter in New Orleans at least twice and wear an LSU ball cap. As a matter of fact always wear an SEC ball cap depending on the state your visiting. Don't be too polarizing however, so when your in Alabama wear a Crimson Tide Ball Cap, and at the same time wear an Auburn Football Jersey. Trust me they will love you there for that and you won't make any enemies by wearing both - Note...do the same thing in Mississippi, with Ole Miss and Miss. State.
Since we are now on sports, stay away from NASCAR, it's too polarizing a sport and Bush, the most polarizing President in history has already taken this hobby up. If you approach NASCAR, southerners will think your copying Bush, and it goes back to that "your a fake
southerner thing"...they hate it. They think Al Gore's a fake, that's why they hate him.
Do this instead of NASCAR, take up Bass fishing Howard, if you don't know how already...learn. Everyone knows your in the NRA but hunting would be just too polarizing...and it would look like your playing to every southerner's secret desire to own a gun...which is false
and you would again look like a fake. But Bass Fishing is environmental, so join the Bass Masters Organization and go on a national fishing show. When you run ads down here, speak on the issues from the deck of a Bass Boat...Huge Political Points in this with southerners Howard so please consider it. Always release the Fish...remember your a Democrat, and concerned with the environment - Oh hell eat one if you want...but just make sure it's a catfish...and make sure they see you catch it, that way they'll know your not faking it.
Be seen in public often with popular southern figures, Willie Nelson...and get Willie to call Dolly Pardon for you....if you get Dolly's endorsement it will cause the Bush clan to sh*t their pants, and they'll have to make a full southern states campaign swing just to control the political damage.
Be seen with Tommy Lee Jones often, he was Gore's room-mate at Harvard so this should be easy for you. Meet with Ted Turner, he's polarizing but probably good for lots of tips on how to be polarizing and popular in the south, remember he was married to Jane Fonda..the Dixie Chicks are good too, but don't push it too much with them down here....they're my favorites however.
Don't travel too much in the south with Al Gore or Bill Clinton, they're too polarizing and remember southerners don't really give a damn about them - they'll accept Howard Dean just fine
without them, as long as your Howard Dean who's interested in the south and not Howard Dean the Yankee pretending he's knows what's good for the south.
What ever you do, get Jeff Foxworthy to perform for you...no matter what it costs, or how you have to do it...just get him....
Last But Not Least...
Considering your lastest NEWSWEEK Cover....see if you can get the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) to put you on T.V. and challenge George Bush to a cage match on the eve of the election...you'll
sweep the south then...(how imbarassing) but you'll sweep it, trust me.
By the way...lose the Middle Class Tax Hike thing...it'll kill you in the cotton belt.
Found on the Darkside. The topic got locked. The reason?
Pretty funny. Stalin could have learned a few things about censorship from Ducks Unlimited.
I was reading a small conservative politics board, and they were discussing DU. One guy's brother signed up for DU, and read a thread where they were busy hating Zell Miller. This new guy asked "Has anyone read Zell Miller's book?" They banned him.