I Am A Retrosexual

Site Notices

Posted: 12/16/2003 8:54:24 AM EDT

Guilty on all counts.

After searching and searching for my sexual identity. I finally discovered it and I can no longer keep it in the closet. I am here to openly announce that I am a Retrosexual.

My Restrosexuality is defined by the following Retrosexual code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:01:32 AM EDT

[#1]

THANK YOU!

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:05:19 AM EDT

[#2]

I am 100% on board!

Source?

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:08:49 AM EDT

[#3]

[lol] THATS GREAT!

Time to spread that one around....
da email da email wootwoot da email

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:12:34 AM EDT

[#4]

Quoted:
I am 100% on board!

Source?

View Quote

I received it in email from a coworker. A little research takes us here:
[url]http://www.frizzensparks.com/archives/cat_retrosexual_frontline.html[/url]

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:17:54 AM EDT

[#5]

Quoted:
I received it in email from a coworker. A little research takes us here:
[url]http://www.frizzensparks.com/archives/cat_retrosexual_frontline.html[/url]

View Quote

That is now my IE homepage.

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:39:56 AM EDT

[#6]

Ok.. Saw the topic, and cringed.. My first impression was that a "retrosexual" was after old chicks, and I anticipated a diatribe on the relative attractiveness of walkers, dentures, and prune juice. I'm sorry.
As it reads, this sounds like a winner. Full speed ahead, I'm a retrosexual too!

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:42:15 AM EDT

[#7]

Blammo,
You are truly a wise man...

Posted: 12/16/2003 9:52:42 AM EDT

[#8]

Sounds good to me.

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:00:49 AM EDT

[#9]

Hell yeah!!!!!!!

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:08:04 AM EDT

[#10]

i like it.............all except for the wearing a tie thing that is

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:11:02 AM EDT

[#11]

I'm in full agreement except for one point:

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

View Quote

I will NEVER eat red meat. That's a good way to get botulism salmonella killyerassdeadum virus poisoning. I cook my meat, and it is brown (preferrably black) when I eat it.
[:D]

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:16:10 AM EDT

[#12]

Agreed, I'm glad to say I'm a retro-sexual. liked the line about not watching anything with "Queer" in the title.[:)]

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:25:33 AM EDT

[#13]

I'm in! [beer]

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:34:43 AM EDT

[#14]

Finally, a profile I can identify with.

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:52:32 AM EDT

[#15]

Quoted:
i like it.............all except for the wearing a tie thing that is

View Quote

A variance is hereby granted to Texas rednecks. Especially since I live in Texas and aspire to be a redneck some day.

Posted: 12/16/2003 10:58:03 AM EDT

[#16]

LOL![:D]

That some good stuff!

Posted: 12/16/2003 11:00:37 AM EDT

[#17]

Its about time we started complaining about the pussification of the American male!

THANKS YOU BLAMMO!

Posted: 12/16/2003 12:03:24 PM EDT

[#18]

[b]A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. [/b]

I didn't open the door because you're a woman. I opened it because I'm a gentleman.

Posted: 12/16/2003 1:06:04 PM EDT

[#19]

Count me in also.
Shit, I was brought up believing/being taught that shit. I DEALT WITH IT, and I'm glad I did.

Posted: 12/17/2003 9:19:37 PM EDT

[#20]

Bump for the night crew.

Posted: 12/17/2003 9:36:33 PM EDT

[#21]

LMAO. Great post!

- N20

Posted: 12/17/2003 9:44:48 PM EDT

[#22]

Heh.

Posted: 12/17/2003 9:57:58 PM EDT

[#23]

Yup, that's me.

Posted: 12/18/2003 5:19:04 AM EDT

[#24]

My kids sister gets a yuppie kick sending all that feminazi propaganda to me. I fixed her white collar ass.

I hit reply to all, Subject: Real Man Answer to your feminazi bs kid sister... Opening line; This is your Big Brother to a "T"! Cut N Paste Retrosexual!

I will have mail today!

Posted: 12/18/2003 5:31:21 AM EDT

[#25]

YES!!!

Posted: 12/18/2003 6:40:17 AM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:
My kids sister gets a yuppie kick sending all that feminazi propaganda to me. I fixed her white collar ass.

I hit reply to all, Subject: Real Man Answer to your feminazi bs kid sister... Opening line; This is your Big Brother to a "T"! Cut N Paste Retrosexual!

I will have mail today!

View Quote

And I'm sure you will laugh yer ass off at most of it.

I did something similar....

Posted: 12/18/2003 6:43:15 AM EDT

[#27]

Sounds good to me!

Posted: 12/18/2003 6:45:42 AM EDT

[#28]

Perfect.

I get the feeling this will spread throughout the country QUICKLY.

Posted: 12/18/2003 6:56:20 AM EDT

[#29]

I like it!

Posted: 12/18/2003 7:05:20 AM EDT

[#30]

Major retrosexual dittos!

Posted: 12/18/2003 8:36:48 AM EDT

[#31]

It is like someone has been reading my mind, and posting it here. Including the kilt stuff.
Nice to know I am not alone.

A 16th century claymore goes good with a kilt.

Bilster

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - I Am A Retrosexual

General » General Discussion

Warning

Confirm Action

About AR15.COM

Stay Connected

Newsletter

Contact Us