We are expecting a little one on July 4, as some may already know, and mom made me attend the childbirth class put on by the local hospital. Despite my attempts to avoid the class I was awakened at 0800 hous this morning and made to go.

1. Of the several types of breathing exercises they teach, I like combat breathing, and had almost forgot all about it. Thinking back, I use it without even thinking about it on the streets when necessary. It was kinda cool re-learning the "skill".

2. An almost sure-fire cure for insommnia (other than the class itself) is the candle breathing, where moderately deep inhalations are exhaled slowly, as if blowing on a lit candle. The trick is to exhale slow and steady, to bend the imaginary flame over, and not make it go out or flicker. Amazing what several minutes of this will do.

3. Childbirth is generally disgusting.

4. Drugs are bad, mmmmkay. Toured the NCIU and the nurse practioner came out with the cutest "newborn" you would ever see. As it turns out this kid was over a month old and was still in the NCIU. Why? Drug baby. Mom was addicted to heroin, and of course started Methadone to try and get off. The kid was born addicted to methadone, and suffered all sorts of bad shit. Had to be fed by a tube. I was told mom the shitbird is a "good parent" and visitis nightly. The child has lived its entire one month in this world in an intensive care unit, because his shitty mother couldnt get off drugs. Guess what the infant gets for treatment? Morphine, daily. Fucking junkies. Damn thing made a tear in the eye of almost everyone in the group.

First, let me give you an early congrats on the upcoming arrival of your new shooting buddy. [:)]

Yeah, junkies are bad enough when they ruin their own lives.  When they do it to their kids (who have no choice in the matter), they're basically worthless POS in my mind.

You're going to let us know first when the little one arrives, right?  You can always let  the rest of your family know later on. [;)]

First of all, I don't know if you are the male or female member of this union, but will suppose that since you were forced to go, you are the male.  So, here goes.

I have had no children of my own (wife can't have kids) But way back when, I stood at a friends side because hubby was deployed over seas.  (baby was 2 weeks earlier than expected but not a premie and he was due back before babies due date.  Missed it by 2 days [:(] )  That being said, here are some things I learned through that experience.  When the doctor tells you to hold her hand [b]DON'T DO IT!!! [/b]  You will become a patient with a crushed hand.  Second, she will call you everything you ever imagined and a whole bunch of stuff you never heard before.  Wear ear plugs.  This is important if you ever plan on being able to hear anything the rest of your life.  Next, the baby will come out messy (blood and amniotic fluid) give the nurses a chance to clean it off.  It is not over when the baby is out.  She still has to push out the placenta and that is absolutely gross.  

Now the next part I learned in nursing school and from what some friends that have had babies have told me.  (since I didn't watch the baby come out in the above mentioned instance)  Do not watch the baby come out.  When you see how big an item she can push out of that thing, you will feel really inferior with what you have to put in there.  But it is also the most beautiful and fulfilling experience you will ever have in your life.  

So, I offer my congratulations to you and yours.

Being a father and having been there for ALL of it, let me say IMHO:

All the breathing exercises and stuff go straight out the window when the contractions get to a minute apart (no battle plan ever survived first engagement with the enemy...works here too)

Go ahead and hold her hand, but be prepared  because she WILL squeeze tight (and don't let her get ahold of your nuts)

Some, (not all) of them curse you and scream (not all)

The placenta thing above is real, get over it

And if you EVER thought you could hurt her just by having sex (yeah, YOU stud...) you'll learn how wrong you were...

All in all, it will be one of the defining moments in your life. You'll do fine, I envy your position right now. Your life will never be the same, for the better.

Make her trim her nails before labor begins.  I have the scars on my upper arms to show why this is important.

Know that it will smell bad and look worse.  Don't let it dampen your (visible) enthusiasm.  Mom will take it personally.

Larry, father of four.

Big controversey here in Colorado re: druggie moms who are pre-term.   A prosecutor down by Pueblo has been throwing them in jail during the pregnancy if they can't get their shit together enough to get off drugs.  He's also initiating dependancy and neglect proceedings, terminating their parental rights and taking the kids at birth.   I say right on.  

The "usual" womens' groups are coming out of the woodwork against this.  God forbid that society do something against to stop these monstrous women from creating retarded, addicted, drains on the public funds and integrity of our social structure.  Wouldn't want to impact the abortion debate after all.  The other argument is that if the state prosecutes them for shooting up while pregnant, it will just discourage pre-natal care.   Now, how many crack-heads do you think actually would go get health care anyway?  

This kind of wishy-washy mealy mouthed nonsense is the result.  [url]http://advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/articles/ruddick.htm[/url]

A few bits of advice:

Hire a Doula!  We did this and it was a huge help given the 18 hour labor.

Wear old clothes...if you help the doc and nurse a lot you will get bloody.

Take lots of pictures.  

Plan to take off 2-3 weeks after the baby is born.  If any relatives come to visit, put them to work cooking, cleaning, and running errands.

If the baby ends up in NICU (and it is pretty common) don't panic, it's not the end of the world, and the doctors and nurses in NICU are the best in the hospital.

Despite 18 hours of labor it really wasn't that bad.  

GunLvr

Teach your wife to say: EPIDURAL

Labor is an individual event with some women delivering easy and others enduring hours of labor. Unless she's into masochism, don't her her subject herself to pain that is unnecessary. Regional anesthesia is a great option!

Often by the time the Mom to be determines she can't cope, she's fully effaced and 8 cm dilated and the anesthesiologist cant get the epi in.

While I've never had a child, I've witnessed my share of women who were going to do things "naturally" and waited too long.

One doesn't relinquish control as an epidural does not affect cognitive function and both of you can enjoy the birthing process.

TT [wave]

A perfect example of better living through modern chemicals! [;)]

Bob

First baby I ever field delivered tested positive for coke and alcohol at the hospital, and spent 8 weeks in NICU.

Of course, when I say "I" delivered I'm grandstanding. The night beofre paramedic graduation, we get a call for [b]6 month[/b] PG woman with abd. pains.

After the usual "the baby's coming, the baby's coming"  and my telling mom "don't worry, we'll have time to get to the hospital" happy talk BS back-and-forth...

Mom reaches up under her skirt and says "no, the baby's coming (PLOP)...see?" and holds up infant, premature, quantity (1).

Baby wound up doing fine after a frantic transport - not addicted (luckily), just traces.

Of course, after hearing enough jokes about "ghetto crack babies" from neighboring departments, turns out some of their rich (or pretending to be rich) moms-to-be who hit the "I'm really tired of this preggers shit get this kid out of me now so I can wear trendy clothes again" point (usually 6 1/2 - 7 months) have been known to have a little toot to "speed things up".

[sarcasm]Of course, babies testing positive for traces of drugs only happens in the hood to "other than white folks", right? [/sarcasm]

The other things I remember from medic school:
1) Newborns are slippery.

2) Don't drop them. They don't bounce well.

3) Offer the hand [u]without rings on[/u], and offer fingers to grab. More than one. Rings can cause enough of a pressure point to break your fingers. Fingers in a full handhold can get dislocated. Single fingers get bent in funny ways.

I'm going to those same classes this month (wife's due late Jul/early Aug). I feel for you.

Good luck to you and yours!

We have contacted a Doula, and my wife keeps asking me if I want her. I am leaning heavily toward yes. Got the other things covered, time off, family etc.

My wife seems to have bigger balls than I do, as she refuses to consider the Epidural, or any narcs for that matter. Shit, she is upset at the hospitals mandatory policy to have an IV in when she goes in. She will allow a hep-block though, just in case. I hope its goes quick.

Anyone have any idea if my cable modem at home will hook up to the cable line at the hospital? My mother, who is ill and cannot make it to see her grandchild, is somewhat of an internet junkie and I would love to be able to establish a web cam connection so she can see. Is this feasible?

Thanks for the advice folks.