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Posted: 5/23/2003 2:51:23 PM EDT
TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT...... You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S.nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. You have to believe that gender roles are artifical but being homosexual is natural. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. You have to believe that conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House. You have to believe that homosexual parades, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States. You Have To Believe a Lot of BULL SHIT!!
Link Posted: 5/23/2003 2:54:56 PM EDT
[beer]
Link Posted: 5/23/2003 2:59:00 PM EDT
sorry about the format, pasted it from email.
Link Posted: 5/23/2003 3:14:13 PM EDT
The penalty for a screwed up cut-and-paste format is 2 30-round USGI mags. Please send them to me immediately. [;D]
Link Posted: 5/23/2003 3:26:51 PM EDT
Here's those and more, in a nicer format: YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL IF... You believe sexual harassment is rampant, date rape is pervasive, domestic violence is common, but Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Cathleen Willey, and Juanita Brodrick are all lying. You believe that marriage is an obsolete, sexist, and oppressive religious institution - except for homosexuals. You believe the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex. You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. You believe that there was no art before Federal funding. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. You are against capital punishment but support abortion on demand; in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent. You believe that businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity. You believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but some activists who’ve never been outside of Seattle do. You believe that having self-esteem is far more important than actually doing something to earn it. You believe that the military, rather than corrupt or stupid politicians, start wars. You believe the NRA is the embodiment of evil because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, but that the ACLU is the embodiment of good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. You believe that taxes are too low and ATM fees are too high. You believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than, say, Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison. You believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge. You believe that parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected while public display of religious images should be illegal. You believe that illegal political contributions by the Chinese government are somehow in the best interests of the United States. You burned your draft card during Vietnam, chanted "No Blood For Oil!" during the Gulf War, but believe deploying U.S. troops to Bosnia, Haiti, and Somalia was vital to the national interests of the United States. You believe that trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize, but a human fetus is just a blob of protoplasm. You believe Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are full of lies and distortions, but "Platoon," "JFK" and "Thelma and Louise" are utterly realistic. You believe silent prayer in school constitutes religious indoctrination, but that that sex education and condom distribution are values-neutral. You want to ban tobacco and legalize cocaine. You believe tax loopholes cause deficits. You believe AIDS is spread by insufficient funding. You believe religious leaders are noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts, but they're dangerous fanatics when they defend a child's right to life. You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and to the legacies of slavery and segregation. You don't condone what the president did, but... You believe that consenting adults may engage freely in any activity except capitalism and religion. You believe that the protest outside an abortion clinic is far more alarming than what takes place inside the clinic. You believe we never gave peace a chance. You believe the words Manhattan, menopause, and boycott are all sexist words. You believe O.J. is out there looking for the real killers. You believe it takes a village. You reach the limits of your talent but then complain that you've run into a glass ceiling. You wear more ribbons on your lapel than in your hair. You've ever left a sociology class thinking, "Wow! That professor really knows what he's talking about!" You believe that Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Carol Simpson, Bernard Shaw, et al, are impartial and objective. You have a bumper sticker that says "You Can't Hug With Nuclear Arms". You consider yourself open-minded, but refuse to listen to anything Jesse Helms has to say. You believe the phrase "...separation of church and state..." actually exists within the Constitution. You hate Hillary jokes. You are a journalist. You thought Walt Disney was sugar-sweet and terminally cute.....right up until it made Pocahontas. You believe Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing, but are outraged by the suggestion that Ted Kaczynski and Al Gore have anything in common. You're female and you have pierced any part of your body besides your ears. You're male and have pierced any part of your body. You've ever agonized when choosing between paper, which cuts down innocent trees, and plastic, which isn't biodegradable. You believe O.J. Simpson is innocent but Bernard Goetz should be imprisoned for life. You found yourself unemployed after the 1994 elections. You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son joined the Marine Corps. The harshest thing you can say about the mass murders committed by Stalin and Mao is that "their social experiments failed". You go livid when you hear the words cost-benefits analysis and environmental regulations used in the same sentence. You actually know the meaning of words like Ethnocentrism and jingoistic. You blamed Ronald Reagan when Shoemaker-Levy 9 slammed into Jupiter. You believe the Constitutional phrase "...promote the general welfare..." means to promote welfare generally. You believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century. You spend Columbus Day reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. You believe that Conservatives, like preservatives, ought to be federally regulated. Your response to anything Rush Limbaugh says is, "Well, he's fat." You believe the Unabomber had a point. You refer to Fidel Castro as "President Castro". You actually believe the word "is" has more than one definition. You believe that bombing an abortion clinic is an act of terrorism but bombing a timber mill is perfectly acceptable. Your definition of "rich" includes anyone making more than the minimum wage. You believe that this country was started when oppressive white Europeans attacked the peaceful Native Americans, rather than when the Founding Fathers risked their lives by signing the Declaration of Independence. You have an "I'm Straight But Not Narrow" button pinned to your book bag. You believe that the really dangerous McCarthy was Joe rather than Eugene. You believe that Janet Reno is a present-day Eliot Ness. You believe that Heather Has Two Mommies should have won a Pulitzer Prize. You are grateful to the IRS when you receive your tax "refund". You refer to a spending increase of 8% rather than the customary increase of 10% as a "mean-spirited budget cut". You believe that cockroaches should be placed on the endangered species list. You actually believe Al Franken is funny. You believe the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich. You believe "Cop Killer" was a cool song. You watch "All in the Family" because Meathead makes a lot of sense. You believe animals have rights, but you still wear leather belts and shoes. You tell people how to live their lives by telling them that they can't tell people how to live their lives. You refer to a child's GI Joe collection as "war toys." You believe the National Organization for Women actually represents women.
Link Posted: 5/23/2003 3:27:46 PM EDT
The sacrament of your religion is abortion. You believe that the purpose of a business is to provide employment and benefits rather than to make money for the owners. You pay a 185% markup for organically grown food. You believe that you can't legislate morality, but do all you can to legislate immorality. You believe that judges should make the law instead of interpret the law. You are in favor of affirmative action...until you get fired so they can hire a minority. You believe that women should be subjected to all the bloody horrors of a battlefield, but God forbid they are given a complimentary remark from a co-worker. You believe the protesters in Miami were a bunch of rioting hoodlums, but that the blacks who burned Los Angeles were noble champions of their cause. You believe in embargoes and boycotts against South Africa and South Carolina, but not against Cuba. You believe an NRA restaurant will hurt Times Square's image. You believe anything that Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton says. You believe Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton believe anything they say. You believe that Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Rosie O'Donnell actually know what their talking about. You have ever used the words "Clarence Thomas" and "Uncle Tom" in the same sentence. You abhor censorship but want Dr. Laura kicked off the air. You begin sentences with the words "I feel." You don't find a picture of the Virgin Mary smeared with feces to be offensive, but go completely apoplectic when you hear a racial slur.
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