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Posted: 5/20/2003 11:56:09 AM EDT
I went to sleep and forgot to put one of my carpet sharks in the cage. then at about 2:00am the little bastard crawled up my pant leg and bit my nut. now, I can't have fun with my lady for a little while.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 11:57:38 AM EDT
Yeah right! As if a ferret owner would ever actually have a girlfriend! [:D]
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 11:58:40 AM EDT
rubber rhonda!
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:07:14 PM EDT
Inflatable Ingrid! But seriously, that's funny as hell. I thought it would be something else, with a misleading title...but nope. It was exactly what I had hoped for, a ferret, biting balls. Hilarious. (oh yeah, my condolences, never had anyone or anything bile my balls, but it sounds painful. Hope you recover soon.)
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:09:16 PM EDT
What have you been doing to that poor ferret to provoke such a heinous attack???
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:16:49 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Cincinnatus: Yeah right! As if a ferret owner would ever actually have a girlfriend! [:D]
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Or balls!! [:D]
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:20:38 PM EDT
How did you kill it after the attack?
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:23:03 PM EDT
Now if it was a Gerbal you could still have Butt laods of fun![:D] Sgtar15
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:27:24 PM EDT
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:28:31 PM EDT
As a ferret owner (3 of the bastards), I can attest that ferrets like to chew on really stinky things.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:30:02 PM EDT
Originally Posted By BenDover: As a ferret owner (3 of the bastards), I can attest that ferrets like to chew on really stinky things.
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[LOL]
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:31:33 PM EDT
[size=6]TMI![/size=6] [shock]
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:37:02 PM EDT
I've owned a couple myself. For such little guys they have pretty impressive teeth. And sharp feet too. Sorry about the jewels, but ferrets should never be allowed in your shorts.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:41:06 PM EDT
Originally Posted By GW870: ...but ferrets should never be allowed in your shorts.
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I live my life by that rule.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:41:17 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Cincinnatus: Yeah right! As if a ferret owner would ever actually have a girlfriend! [:D]
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I bought my wife one because she kept complaining about a fur coat. So I brought home this albino male we named Einstein, and told her if she wanted the coat this was her collar. We now run a rescue shelter for these critters. That will teach me to be a smart ass!
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:42:15 PM EDT
Originally Posted By deadman: It was exactly what I had hoped for[...]
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[LOL]
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 12:46:32 PM EDT
Let me guess, HE offered a backrub first. CH
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:33:39 PM EDT
Stop putting peanut butter on your balls. It worked for me with my dog...
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:45:33 PM EDT
Ban all ferrets. Do it for the childern.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:47:41 PM EDT
They already _are_ banned in California and NYC.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:57:04 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Bearlaker: Ban all ferrets. Do it for the children.
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Don't you mean his future children??? One strategic chomp, and it's 'free vasectomy' day...
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:57:53 PM EDT
Originally Posted By GW870: ... but ferrets should never be allowed in your shorts.
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Scribble..Scribble....Adding to my "rules to live by" list....
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 1:58:17 PM EDT
[ROFL2] [:k] IBTL
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 2:00:51 PM EDT
HA HA! Put some bactine on that...hehehehe.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 2:07:06 PM EDT
Got bit on the lip by my GF at the time's ferret 12 years ago. Never came close to a ferret again. Nothing but a furry rat to me. Little Bastard! Boy do they got some sharp chompers too.
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 2:09:52 PM EDT
Is ferret your homosexual lovers name?
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 2:24:46 PM EDT
Now you can name it "Claude Balz"[lol] Keep it clean and dressed, or they might have to amputate!
Link Posted: 5/20/2003 3:08:04 PM EDT
Was Val Kilmer wearing one on the roof at the drive in? ED
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 4:26:13 AM EDT
That's what ya get for having one of those ballmunching bastards for a pet!!!
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 4:45:14 AM EDT
Tell us the truth...the gerbils were not doing it for you and you wanted to try something bigger....but your pet was too wise for that.....
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 8:02:08 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/21/2003 8:02:42 AM EDT by GLOCKshooter]
Congratulations on a thread that actually lived up to its title! Edited to add my condolences to your testicle(s).
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 8:10:09 AM EDT
Originally Posted By NYC-M4: Stop putting peanut butter on your balls. It worked for me with my dog...
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The trick to using peanut butter as a ball bait is to remove the animal [b]BEFORE[/b] the peanut butter is all gone and they start to chew instead of lick [;D]
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 8:25:01 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Kar98: They already _are_ banned in California and NYC.
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If you outlaw ferrets, only outlaws will have ferrets. or If you outlaw ball biting ferrets, only outlaws will have there balls bit by ferrets. So, Valblade, was it that crazy one that tried to jump me the last time I was at your apartment? That one reminds me of the ferret in the Verizon commercial that latches on that guy's toungue. Bilster
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 9:46:19 AM EDT
Ok, i did try to sleep with the lady last night and even though i was sore, I did get the job done.Felt like blue balls. It was the small female ferret bilster. The one who can go any where and get anything. even climbs up curtains and gets in windows. One time I wrote a bill to a customer and the little thief took it and hid it in a corner. I was short on money and that delayed the check. I didn't find it for 4 days. The best was when I bring the ferrets over to a house with small dogs or cats.they will gang up and attack them. Once one hid on the couch, one under it and one behind it. Then The plan started to happen. The dog came past and first ferret jumped on its back then one under couch bit its tail and the other jumped for the ears. Another time a cat was getting bothered by my big ferret and kept going at its tail. The cat was fine for about 3 minutes then it just turned around and BAMM!! it cracked it in the head and the ferret fell back a foot. The sound it made was a large thump. the cat is declawed.
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 9:48:31 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/21/2003 9:48:58 AM EDT by valblade]
The time they stole the pizza box and carried it down the hallway. It was half full. they are strong.
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 9:52:01 AM EDT
Originally Posted By valblade: Ok, i did try to sleep with the lady last night and even though i was sore, I did get the job done.Felt like blue balls. It was the small female ferret bilster. The one who can go any where and get anything. even climbs up curtains and gets in windows. One time I wrote a bill to a customer and the little thief took it and hid it in a corner. I was short on money and that delayed the check. I didn't find it for 4 days. The best was when I bring the ferrets over to a house with small dogs or cats.they will gang up and attack them. Once one hid on the couch, one under it and one behind it. Then The plan started to happen. The dog came past and first ferret jumped on its back then one under couch bit its tail and the other jumped for the ears. Another time a cat was getting bothered by my big ferret and kept going at its tail. The cat was fine for about 3 minutes then it just turned around and BAMM!! it cracked it in the head and the ferret fell back a foot. The sound it made was a large thump. the cat is declawed.
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The small female one is the crazy one that tried to jump me. Bilster
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 10:32:44 AM EDT
[size=4]PICS ???[/size=4]
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 10:33:54 AM EDT
No rabies yet? Is your *ick not foaming in your mouth yet? ;^)
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 10:56:09 AM EDT
COMPUTER GUY ??????
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 11:00:58 AM EDT
i was like john c. holmes last night, now shes going shooting with a army dude. check out my other post about her shooting date.girlfriend cheating
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 12:50:51 PM EDT
Originally Posted By valblade: Ok, i did try to sleep with the lady last night and even though i was sore, I did get the job done.Felt like blue balls. It was the small female ferret bilster. The one who can go any where and get anything.
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So you did it with your lady, or the ferret? ED
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 1:18:15 PM EDT
Originally Posted By QCMGR: Is ferret your homosexual lovers name?
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I was wondering if maybe he got it confused with his girlfriend, thereby causing the problem.
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 1:24:21 PM EDT
Valblade, Because it is so sore, post a pic of the girlfriend and I bet you could get the guys here to help out for a little while until you recover fully....... [:D]
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 1:29:53 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/21/2003 1:30:42 PM EDT by cmjohnson]
You guys aren't going to believe this.... Type in "ferret legging" via Google. [url]http://kzsu.stanford.edu/~dougm/Humor/95/November/FerretLeggers.html[/url]
Ferret Leggers This is from the November 1992 Harper's. Mr. Reg Mellor, the "king of the ferret-leggers," paced across his tiny Yorkshire miner's cottage as he explained the rules of the English sport that he has come to dominate rather late in life. "Ay, lad," said the seventy-two-year-old champion, "no jockstraps allowed. No underpants-- nothin` whatsoever. And it's no good with tight trousers, mind ye. Little bah-stards have to be able to move around inside there from ankle to ankle." Basically, ferret-legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at the ankles and the insertion into those trousers of a couple of peculiarly vicious fur-coated, foot-long carnivores called ferrets. The brave contestant's belt is then pulled tight, and he proceeds to stand there in front of the judges as long as he can, while animals with claws like hypodermic needles and teeth like number 16 carpet tacks try their damnedest to get out. From a dark and obscure past, the sport has made an astonishing comeback in recent years. When I first heard about ferret-legging, in 1972, the world record stood at forty painful seconds of "keepin' 'em down," as they say in ferret-legging circles. A few years later the dreaded one-minute mark was finally surpassed. The current record-- implausible as it may seem--now stands at an awesome five hours and twenty-six minutes, a mark reached last year by the gaudily tattooed little Yorkshireman with the waxed military mustache who now stood two feet away from me explaining the technicalities of this burgeoning sport. "The ferrets must have a full mouth o' teeth," Reg Mellor said as he fiddled with his belt., "No filing of the teeth; no clipping. No dope for you or the ferrets. You must be sober, and the ferrets must be hungry-- though any ferret'll eat yer eyes out even if he isn't hungry. So then, lad. Any more questions 'fore I poot a few down for ye?" "Yes, Reg." "Ay, whoot then?" "Well, Reg," I said. "I think people in America will want to know. Well -- since you don't wear any protection -- and, well, I've heard a ferret can bite your thumb off. Do they ever -- you know?" Reg's stiff mustache arched toward the ceiling under a sly grin. "You really want to know what they get up to down there, eh?" Reg said, looking for all the world like some workingman's Long John Silver. "Well, take a good look." Then Reg Mellor let his trousers fall around his ankles. A short digression: a word is in order concerning ferrets, a weasel-like animal well known to Europeans but, because of the near extinction of the black-footed variety in the American West, not widely known in the United States. Alternatively referred to by professional ferret handlers as "shark-of-the-land," a "piranha with feet," "fur-coated evil, " and "the only four-legged creature in existence that kills just for kicks," the common domesticated ferret -- Mustela putorius -- has the spinal flexibility of a snake and the jaw musculature of a pit bull. Rabbits, rats, and even frogs run screaming from hiding places when confronted by a ferret. Ferreters -- those who hunt with ferrets, as opposed to putting them in their pants -- tell tales of rabbits running toward hunters to surrender after gazing into the torch-red eyes of an oncoming ferret. Loyal to nothing that lives, the ferret has only one characteristic that might be deemed positive -- a tenacious, single-minded belief in finishing whatever it starts. That usually entails biting off whatever it bites. The rules of ferret-legging do allow the leggers to try to knock the ferret off a spot it's biting (from outside the trousers only), but that is no small matter, as ferrets never let go. No less a source than the Encyclopedia Britannica suggests that you can get a ferret to let go by pressing a certain spot over its eye, but Mellor and the other ferret specialists I talked to say that is absurd. Reg favors a large screwdriver to get a ferret off his finger. Another ferret legger told me that a ferret that had almost dislodged his left thumb let go only after the ferret and the man's thumb were held under scalding tap water -- for ten minutes. Reg Mellor, a man who has been more intimate with ferrets than many men have been with their wives, calls ferrets "cannibals, things that live only to kill, that'll eat your eyes out to get at your brain" at their worst and "untrustworthy" at their very best. Reg says he observed with wonder the growing popularity of ferret-legging throughout the '70s. He had been hunting with ferrets in the verdant moors and dales outside of Barnsley for much of a century. Since a cold and wet ferret exterminates with a little less enthusiasm than a dry one, Reg used to keep his ferrets in his pants for hours when he hunted in the rain -- and it always rained where he hunted. "The world record was sixty seconds. Sixty seconds! I can stick a ferret up me ass for longer than that." So, at age sixty-nine, Reg Mellor found his game. As he stood in front of me now, naked from the waist down, Reg looked every bit a champion. "So look close," he said again. I did look, at an incredible tattoo of a zaftig woman on Reg's thigh. His legs appeared crosshatched with scars. But I refused to "look close." "Come on, Reg," I said. "Do they bite your -- you know?" "Do they!" he thundered with irritation as he pulled up his pants. "Why, I've had 'em hangin' from me tool for hours an' hours an' hours! Two at a time -- one on each side. I been swelled up big as that!" Reg pointed to a five-pound can of instant coffee. I then made the mistake of asking Reg Mellor if his age allowed him the impunity to be the most daring ferret legger in the world. "And what do ye mean by that?" he said. "Well, I thought since you probably aren't going to have any more children --" "Are you sayin' I ain't pokin' 'em no more?" Reg growled with menace. "Is that your meaning? 'Cause I am pokin' 'em for sure." A small red hut sits in an overgrown yard outside Reg Mellor's door. "Come outta there, ye bah-stards," Reg yelled as he flailed around the inside of the hut looking for some ferrets that had just arrived a few hours earlier. He emerged with two dirty white animals, which he held quite firmly by their necks. They both had fearsome unblinking eyes as hard and red as rubies. A young man named Malcolm, with a punk haircut, came into the yard on a motorcycle. "You puttin' 'em down again, Reg?" Malcolm asked. Reg took one of the ferrets and stuck the beasts head deep into his mouth. "Oh yuk, Reg," said Malcolm. Reg pulled the now quite embittered-looking ferret out of his mouth and stuffed it and another ferret into his pants. He cinched his belt tight, clenched his fists at his sides, and gazed up into the gray Yorkshire firmament in what I guessed could only be a gesture of prayer. Claws and teeth now protruded all over Reg's hyperactive trousers. The two bulges circled round and round one leg, getting higher and higher, and finally...they went up over to the other leg. "Thank God, " I said. "Yuk, Reg," said Malcolm. "The claws," I managed. "Aren't they sharp, Reg?" "Ay," said Reg, laconically. "Ay."
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Link Posted: 5/21/2003 1:35:18 PM EDT
^ [lol]
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 1:37:55 PM EDT
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 4:36:22 PM EDT
Good thing you don't own badgers. Next time, get a chia pet.
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 4:37:29 PM EDT
Originally Posted By cmjohnson: You guys aren't going to believe this.... Type in "ferret legging" via Google. [url]http://kzsu.stanford.edu/~dougm/Humor/95/November/FerretLeggers.html[/url]
Ferret Leggers
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cm, as I read this, I kept looking back at your avatar then back to the article. I just keep thinking that you may know more about Ferret Legging then you are letting on. [shock] ED
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 5:28:45 PM EDT
Yes, I invented it as a particularly cruel form of torture some time ago. But people are so screwed up that SOME of them took this most effective method of torture and turned it into a SPORT. I tell ya, for a truly evil and intimidating (yet charismatic and intelligent) guy, I get no respect! CJ
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 6:41:29 PM EDT
And now you have a really warm slipper, right?
Link Posted: 5/21/2003 7:19:49 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Cape_hunter: Let me guess, HE offered a backrub first. CH
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lmao.
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