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Posted: 5/15/2003 3:24:39 PM EDT
[b]10. Noisy doors. [/b] You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40 [b]9. The Federation. [/b] This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed. [b]8. Reversing the Polarity. [/b] For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it. [b]7. Seatbelts. [/b] Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!" [b]6. No fuses. [/b] Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down. [b]5. Rule by committee.[/b] Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year: [b]Star Trek: Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!" Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?" Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat." Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something." Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby." Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first." Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive." [b]Firefly:[/b] Captain: "Let's shoot them." Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?" Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command." Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!" [b]4. A Star Trek quiz: [/b] Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back? [b]3. Technobabble.[/b] The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free. [b]2. The Holodeck. [/b] I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean. [b]1. The Prime Directive.[/b] How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom. [url]http://www.happyfunpundit.com/hfp/archives/000514.html[/url]
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 3:34:11 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/15/2003 3:39:46 PM EDT by deimos]
Originally Posted By raven: Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40
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[LOL] [LOL] [LOL] [LOL] [LOL] Eddited to add: [url]http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=23645[/url]
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 3:45:26 PM EDT
Hey...this is my gig!!! I expect some royalties Sgtar15
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 6:08:04 PM EDT
that was funny shit. I'm crying over hear. TXL
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 6:16:43 PM EDT
Thing I hate most about Start Trek is TREKKIES. They really creep me out.
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 6:25:25 PM EDT
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 6:35:17 PM EDT
Don't tell colonel Klink about this thread. He'll set his phaser on "kill" and try and zap you.
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 6:39:24 PM EDT
Originally Posted By SteyrAUG: Thing I hate most about Start Trek is TREKKIES. They really creep me out.
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Me too, Steyr. Me too.
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 7:05:10 PM EDT
Well then, Kaplach!
Link Posted: 5/15/2003 7:16:44 PM EDT
Capt. Kirk should have gotten VD, that guy was tapping ass all over the galaxy. Dr. McCoy was no doubt the guy in Starfleet who knew the most about performing abortions on women from other planets. Security guys must have started to cry if they called for an away mission, they killed three a week. The paperwork would have been hell on a real ship.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 12:01:10 AM EDT
Well.... it wasn't ALL bad: [img]http://members.cox.net/the-macallan/MacsPics3/YeomanRand.jpg[/img] [bounce]
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 12:18:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/16/2003 12:19:56 AM EDT by Cixelsyd]
Originally Posted By The_Macallan: Well.... it wasn't ALL bad: [url]http://members.cox.net/the-macallan/MacsPics3/YeomanRand.jpg[/url] [bounce]
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My favorite is that Six-of-Nine chick.[img]http://photos.ar15.com/WS_Content/ImageGallery/IG_LoadImage.asp?iImageUnq=10249[/img] CHRIS
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 12:27:21 AM EDT
[img]http://photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/IG_LoadImage.asp?iImageUnq=1887[/img] You will be assimilated!
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 12:50:13 AM EDT
Originally Posted By LotBoy: [url]http://photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/IG_LoadImage.asp?iImageUnq=1887[/url]
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Verge of cameltoe...
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 1:04:30 AM EDT
I've always liked Seven-of-Nine's implants.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 2:26:55 AM EDT
I gotta go with the uniforms especially Kirks snot yellow colored one.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 2:47:02 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Lumpy196:
Originally Posted By LotBoy: [url]http://photos.ar15.com/ImageGallery/IG_LoadImage.asp?iImageUnq=1887[/url]
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Verge of cameltoe...
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[img]http://www.cameltoe.org/images/camel_toe_hoof.jpg[/img] ?
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 3:04:03 AM EDT
At least Firefly got a mention. When I first saw it I thought, "This show is too well-written to survive on television." Sadly, I was right. I heard they were trying to revive it on SciFi. I hope so.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 4:00:06 AM EDT
If Data was so damn smart, why didn't the just have him solve all their problems... Deep Space Nine was actually my favorite. Janeway on Voyager is a big lib.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 4:22:53 AM EDT
Call a doctor, I think I hurt myself laughing. I am going to feel this in the morning.
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 4:24:43 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/16/2003 4:26:33 AM EDT by Gopher]
Good stuff!
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 4:45:50 AM EDT
And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
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LOL this is so true! [sex]
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 4:59:50 AM EDT
I like parody as well, but I think you have to put the original series in perspective as when it was written and produced. The sound the doors make was probably implying they were pneumatic. For the time, it was cool. The quiet sliding doors we have today are motorized. If you ever had a hatchback and opened the hatch in cold weather, you'd appreciated a motorized door. If you also look at the original series, everyone they visited wore clothes cut from shower curtains. If Rosie O'Donnel was wearing a skin tight outfit made from shower curtains and sat down, it would split. You'd be wishing for spandex then!
Link Posted: 5/16/2003 5:07:01 AM EDT
"He's dead Jim. You get his boots, I'll get his wallet." - Bones
Link Posted: 5/17/2003 11:32:21 AM EDT
In clingon [(:|)] Hab SoSlI' Quch! In english [8P] Your mother has a smooth forehead! [;)]
Link Posted: 5/17/2003 12:24:00 PM EDT
I was just telling my wife the other day that the plasma coil on my Chevy needs to have its polarity reversed. She was relieved that I can fix it myself by ordering the necessary stuff off the internet from Quality Parts.
Link Posted: 5/17/2003 12:35:13 PM EDT
"And while she expresses disappointment with the toylike Trek phasers, Jeri [Ryan, 7 of 9 on Voyager] declares a genuine enthusiasm for more earthly firearms: 'I love it. There's just a big adrenaline rush when you shoot guns! Sorry, I get a little excited when I talk about firearms.' " Seriously, does anyone else think those phasers are a little strange? Sometimes it seems like you could blow up a whole planet with one if only you would press the right buttons on it. And how are you supposed to aim them, anyways?
Link Posted: 5/17/2003 1:01:17 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/17/2003 1:01:39 PM EDT by Old_Painless]
Seriously, does anyone else think those phasers are a little strange?
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I hate the phasers. They never work when you need them the most. I like the solution in my favorite SiFi novel, "The Forever War". The two sergeants training the recruits in the future are armed. One of them has a phaser-type weapon. the other has "a well-worn 1911 .45 ACP pistol". If you were faced by a Borg, which would you prefer?
Link Posted: 5/17/2003 1:16:33 PM EDT
Yes, the phasers vs the firearms in affecting the borg. I think any critter's going to have a difficult time adjusting to the energy harmonics(?) of a freaking fast moving piece of metal. Assimilate THAT, beyatch! And that being said, I'll take Terry Farrell(Dax from DS9) over Jeri Ryan(at least in terms of physical beauty-theres something to be said for a beautiful woman who apprecates firearms).
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