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Posted: 5/12/2003 1:49:57 AM EDT
[url]http://www.theonion.com/onion3917/why_am_i_always.html[/url] By Sharon Glauber I don't get it. I'm a good person who lives an honest life and is nice to people, yet for some reason, I seem to have the worst luck: My toast always falls jam-side down, the one day it rains is always the day I leave my windows open, and the one time I have unprotected sex in a public-beach changing room, I end up with chlamydia! What gives? Yes, every single year, I go for my annual gyno visit and, without fail, I find out I've got chlamydia again. Why am I always the one to get chlamydia? It's just not fair! It's not like I'm any more sexually active than the average girl. My best friend Amy has sex with her boyfriend almost every single night, and she's never had it. Me, I'll be lucky if I have 20 one-night stands in an entire year! So if she's having sex at least 10 times as often as me, why hasn't she ever had it? Did I do something wrong in a past life? I don't think I've done anything recently to deserve being cursed with chronic chlamydia. I guess I'm just a chlamydia magnet or something. I know what you're probably thinking: Sharon's so dumb, she never got her first infection cleared up. Well, that's just not true. Sure, I was totally freaked when I first got it back in 1995. (I thought I was going to go blind or crazy or something.) But when my doctor told me that, if caught early, chlamydia is easily cured with just a day's worth of antibiotics, I was totally relieved. Thank goodness my first experience wasn't like the time I caught that rare strain of Southeast Asian chlamydia. Lying in that hospital bed with my urethra on fire made me appreciate how easy it was to get rid the normal chlamydia I usually get. I'm not irresponsible, either. I take care of myself, because I totally wouldn't want to spread it to other people. Especially cute guys. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting a call from some hottie you picked up at the bar last month accusing you of giving him chlamydia. Once that happens to you half a dozen times, you start to get real careful and make sure you go to the doctor as soon as you see symptoms. And it's not like I don't have standards. I tend to go for preppy, Abercrombie & Fitch-type guys, the kind who'd be very unlikely to have an STD. Plus, I almost always have them use a condom if they don't swear up and down that they're clean. So what's the deal? We've all been there. I mean, I'm hardly the only one out there having oral, vaginal, and anal sexual contact. I'm just the one who winds up with a pus-like discharge shooting out of my hoo-hoo. Sometimes, I think it's my family's fault. The Glauber clan is cursed. My dad died in a drunk-driving accident when I was 5, and my mom is just plain crazy. She actually got pregnant when she was 40 after dating a guy she worked with for a week. She even kept the baby. That's why I'm on the pill. I've been more or less lucky on that front (don't ask), yet I've got to admit that this chlamydia thing gets me down. Maybe if I came from a different family, I might have better luck. Oh, listen to me pissing and moaning: "My family's crazy"... "I wish I was luckier"... "I'm always contracting chlamydia." Everybody's got problems. It's not like I'm starving on the street without a penny to my name. I've got good friends, a good job, and a halfway-decent sex life. Maybe instead of whining about how much I seem to get chlamydia, I should be thankful for the times I don't have it. I must say, I would probably have a more positive attitude about the whole chlamydia thing if I didn't have it right now. But, as they say, the grass is always greener on the STD-free side of the fence, right?
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 3:37:24 AM EDT
You taking the medication right? It should go away with time. You may need a bigger dose.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 4:11:59 AM EDT
ROTFLMMFAO! [LOL]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 4:25:16 AM EDT
[:D] 'Preppie dudes' are the ones always getting laid from different girls. She needs to date a 'Wayne & Garth' type. Maybe troll the local chess club? She might even get lucky and get a virgin.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:07:56 AM EDT
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:11:19 AM EDT
[puke]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:20:13 AM EDT
The Onion
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:21:23 AM EDT
When women have symptoms, they may experience: bleeding between menstrual periods vaginal bleeding after intercourse abdominal pain painful intercourse low-grade fever painful urination the urge to urinate more than usual cervical inflammation abnormal vaginal discharge mucopurulent cervicitis (MPC) — a yellowish discharge from the cervix that may have a foul odor When men have symptoms, they may experience: pus or watery or milky discharge from the penis pain or burning feeling while urinating swollen or tender testicles
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Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:33:40 AM EDT
Originally Posted By osprey21:
When women have symptoms, they may experience: swollen or tender testicles
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Um.. yeah, It's all too clear now.. LMAO
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:37:17 AM EDT
Some one will hit it...It won't be me..[:D]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 5:42:46 AM EDT
[b] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Originally Posted By osprey21: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When women have symptoms, they may experience: swollen or tender testicles _________________________________________ [/b] Hillary Clinton?
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 6:21:44 AM EDT
Cosmic, I think they are referring to Janet Reno.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 6:31:39 AM EDT
Ooops. How could I forget her / him/ it?
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 7:18:30 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 5/12/2003 7:28:33 AM EDT by Searcherfortruth]
Originally Posted By bung: [url]http://www.theonion.com/onion3917/why_am_i_always.html[/url] [red]I don't get it.[/red] [red] Me, I'll be lucky if I have 20 one-night stands in an entire year![/red] [red]Sometimes, I think it's my family's fault.[/red] [red]I must say, I would probably have a more positive attitude about the whole chlamydia thing if I didn't have it right now.[/red]
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Sure because then chlamydia would be good? [rolleyes] Ever think if you wernt down so often you might not get std'd so often? Ever think maybe you should get tested for aids before you become the screw of death?
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 7:23:12 AM EDT
Reminds me of the Dear Abby thing where the guy says his G/F has either VD or TB and doesn't know which. Abby told him,'If she coughs a lot, fuck her.'
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 7:23:19 AM EDT
Bung, is this the aftermath of last Sat night?!!???
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 8:26:45 AM EDT
When I worked in Denver, there was a guy brought into the jail who had chlamydia in both eyes. Even though he had been on meds for weeks, he was miserable, and miserable to look at. I really did feel sorry for him. I expect it forever altered his views on cunnilingus. Jay
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 8:36:59 AM EDT
Originally Posted By AZCOP: When I worked in Denver, there was a guy brought into the jail who had chlamydia [red]in both eyes.[/red] Even though he had been on meds for weeks, he was miserable, and miserable to look at. I really did feel sorry for him. I expect it forever altered his views on cunnilingus. Jay
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He either stuck his whole head up there, or was a real slurper!! [:D]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 9:24:12 AM EDT
Whoa....
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 9:35:33 AM EDT
He either stuck his whole head up there, or was a real slurper!!
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[ROFL2][ROFL2][ROFL2][ROFL2][ROFL2]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 10:16:26 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Boomholzer: Bung, is this the aftermath of last Sat night?!!???
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I stayed home Saturday.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 10:54:33 AM EDT
Originally Posted By bung:
Originally Posted By Boomholzer: Bung, is this the aftermath of last Sat night?!!???
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I stayed home Saturday.
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weiner.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 10:56:36 AM EDT
Because you are a whore.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 11:50:36 AM EDT
Shuuuweee,thats nasty.[puke]
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 1:09:26 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Boomholzer: Bung, is this the aftermath of last Sat night?!!???
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You sound nervous Jason.[;)] real nervous.
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 1:28:41 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Searcherfortruth:
Originally Posted By Boomholzer: Bung, is this the aftermath of last Sat night?!!???
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You sound nervous Jason.[;)] real nervous.
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Did you see Deez Nuts?
Link Posted: 5/12/2003 3:52:51 PM EDT
OMFG, Piccolo that was so funny.! Good one.
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