I'm Case Agent in a big trial this week and the Judge is always popping off lawyer jokes... He said the best one tomorrow gets lunch on him. I need some good ones to toss in the pile! Let me have 'em, Gents!

Thanks!

What the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead.

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk?
There's skid marks in front of the skunk..

[:D]

I got some REALLY GOOD cop jokes. Will those do?
Just kiddin.

You're trapped in a room with a lion, a bear and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the

road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he

would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest

hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy

priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down

the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there

was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and

narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised

and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty

about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry

Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door."

More of a quip than a joke but a good one liner -


"Strike a blow for justice!  Punch an attorney."

jd1

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Billy, you be first,” she said, “What does you mother do all day?” Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?”

Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of Lake Michigan?


A good start.


A lawyer, a priest, and cop were on a fishing expedition.  They were all standing at the bow when a big wave hit the boat.  All three were thrown overboard.  Sharks surrounded the boat.  The cop was the first eaten.  Viciously torn to shreds.  The priest went the same way despite his prayers.  Finally, the largest shark goes beneath the lawyer and picks him up on his nose and moves toward the ladder on the boat.  The other sharks form an honor guard as the lawyer is delivered safely to the boat.  The captain is astounded and tells the lawyer that it was the most amazing sight he'd ever seen in all his years.  The lawyer shrugs and says "Just professional courtesy."

1.
A lawyer was hunting dove on a farmer's property without the farmer's permission.  The Lawyer nailed a dove and it fell to the ground.  The farmer rode up on a horse and leveled a shotgun at the lawyer.  The lawyer said "I dont think you know who I am.  I am so-n-so bigshot trial lawyer and I could sue you for that dove and get everyting you own." The farmer said, "well, I dont care but I have a solution.  First, I will kick you in the nuts 3 times then it is your turn to kick me in the nuts 3 times.  the guy who gives up first looses." The lawyer agrees to the proposal.  The farmer steps up and plants 3 hard kicks to the lawyer's groin.  After the lawyer ias finished puking, he stands up and says "ok, its my turn."  the farmer replies "Thats ok, I give up, keep the dove."


2.
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10

Braised Reporter $12

Fried Diplomat $15

Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”

1.  What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?   A sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

2.  Lawyer, Jew, and East Indian riding in rural area at night in storm(same old scenario)  Car breaks down so they find a farm house, knock on the door.  Farmer says he can put them up for the night, but there is only room for 2 in the house and that 1 will have to sleep in the barn.  So the Jew said that he would sleep in the barn, so they all go to bed. Five minutes later the Jew is knocking on the door saying that he can't sleep in the barn because there is a pig in the barn and because of his religion he can't sleep with a pig.  The Indian says that he would sleep in the barn, so they all go to bed.  Five minutes later the Indian is knocking on the door complaining that he didn't know there was a cow in the barn and because of his religion he can't sleep with a cow.  So the lawyer says that he would sleep in the barn, so they all go to bed.  Five minutes later the cow and pig are knocking at the door!!!  

A lawyer is parked at a stoplight when a truck screeches around the corner sideswiping the laywer's new BMW. The truck skids to a stop and the driver jumps out and runs back to the scene. The lawyer is standing outside his ruined car, and says "what have you have done to my car!!" The driver, noticing the lawyer is missing his left arm says "don't worry about that, look at your arm!!" The lawyer looks down and says "Crap!", "What have you done to my Rolex!!"

We have a winner!!!

Thanks, Fred

A private jet carrying 3 lawyers on a golfing excursion crashes off the coast of Bermuda.  

The 2 pilots and 3 lawyers all survive the crash and are treading water, when the first shark fin appears.  

In a matter of a few minutes, one of the pilots gets sucked beneath the surface and a reddish stain starts spreading through the water.

A few minutes later, the second pilot screams and in a flash is pulled under to meet the same fate.

5 hours later, a fishing boat rescues the 3 laywers.

Why didn't the sharks eat the lawyers????  The answer of course ...... "professional courtesy".


edited to add: please send the 30 round mag I just won to my home address [:D]

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

People cry when they slice up an onion.

My Bro just told me that one!

All good stuff! I'm gonna have to print this stuff!!!!!

[bounce]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.  The blonde, tired, just wanting to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains the game is easy and a lot of fun.  He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vise versa."
Again she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00"  This catches the blondes attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment until she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  Okay, says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"  The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, still no answer.  Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.  The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word the blonde reaches into her purse and hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.  

And you thought blondes were dumb!!!

A guy walks into a bar.  Goes up to the bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey and chases them with a beer.  He belches loudly and stands on the bar stool loudly proclaiming "all lawyers are  Assholes".  A guy directly across from him wearing a fine silk suit stands up and says "I resnt that comment!".  The guy says "Why? Are you a lawyer?", "No" says the man in the fine silk suit, "I'm an Asshole!"

Baboom crash!

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He saw a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for Doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

How much for Lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"100 dollars an ounce. Why is lawyer brain do expensive?"

"Do you have any idea of how many lawyers we have to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s an ugly, scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.


Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.


What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea (Clinton).


What do you call 20 lawyers jumping from an airplane?
Skeet.

We've all heard that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, but do you know the way to a lawyers heart? Right through his ribcage!

Don in Ohio

[img]http://images.ucomics.com/comics/nq/2003/nq030501.gif[/img]

IBSS!  (In before the slander suit)

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.



What's the difference between a lawyer in a Porsche and a porcupine?

The porcupine has it's pricks on the outside.



What do you call 1000 dead lawyers?

A good start.



How do you save a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off the top of his head.

[LOLabove]

What are the three reasons that scientists are using lawyers instead of lab rats in their experiments these days?





1.  There are more of them.



2.  The lab assistants don't get as attached to them.



3. There ARE some thing rats won't do...

Uhh, I like my version better (told to me by a laywer)