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Posted: 11/1/2002 8:34:29 AM EDT
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part,Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 8:46:25 AM EDT
we'll get this one some extra exposure: Why did God give Marines one more brain cell than a horse? So they don't shit in the parade. Don't flame me. it's a friggin joke. laugh, haha.
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 9:02:29 AM EDT
[b]THE COSTUME PARTY[/b] A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 9:04:24 AM EDT
Here's one I heard recently, and this is a gun board so it's fitting: A Microsoft technician was drafted and sent to boot camp. He was handed an M-16 and a magazine, and was told to try to shoot the bull's eye of a target 50 yards away. He took aim and fired ten shots. The instructor called a cease-fire, and walked to the target. "You missed the target entirely every time!" He said. The Microsoft technician looked his rifle over carfully, and then finally put his finger in front of the muzzle and pulled the trigger. His finger was blown off, and he yelled across the field to the instructor, "It's working fine at this end - the problem must be over there!"
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 9:15:57 AM EDT
Cab driver picks up a nun....keeps looking at the nun in the rearview...the nun finally asks if there`s a problem......cabby says well...i want to ask a favor..but don`t want to embarras you.....the nun says..go ahead and ask...there`s not much i havn`t heard.....cabby says...well i`ve always had this fantasy of getting kissed really sexy by a nun....the nun says..i can help you with that....but there`s two conditions....you must be single and catholic....cabby says.....no problem...i am both....the nun says ..pull into the next alley...and i`ll take care of your need.....so..he does...the nun gives him one hell of a kiss right on the lips......cabby feels great...but guilty and says....sister..there`s a problem....nun says what......driver says...i`m not single or catholic......nun says..what?.....he says...i`m married and jewish......nun is quiet for a minute....then says.....well sir...thats alright because in reality....my names kevin and i`m on my way to a halloween party!
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 9:47:14 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/1/2002 9:52:39 AM EDT by STISteve]
> > < Subject: History quotes by 6th graders Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. > > > 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. > > > > > The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread > > > > > made without any ingredients. Moses went up on > > > > > Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He > > > > > died before he ever reached Canada. > > > 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. > > > 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured > > > > > people, and without them we wouldn't have > > > > > history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. > > > 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. > > > > > Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After > > > > > his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, > > > > > jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the > > > > > battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered > > > > > him because they thought he was going to be made > > > > > king; dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was > > > > > canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a > > > > > queen she was a success. When she exposed herself > > > > > before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type > > > > > and the Bible. Another important invention was > > > > > the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh > > > > > is a historical figure because he invented > > > > > cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake > > > > > circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was > > > > > William Shakespeare. He was born in the year > > > > > 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made > > > > > much money and is famous only because of his > > > > > plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and > > > > > hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo > > > > > and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. > > > > > Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was > > > > > Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next > > > > > great author was John Milton. Milton wrote > > > > > paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. > > > > > > > > > > 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed > > > > > the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a > > > > > Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of > > > > > the Declaration of Independence. Franklin > > > > > discovered electricity by rubbing two cats > > > > > backward and declared, "A horse divided against > > > > > itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and > > > > > is still dead. > > > > > > > > > > 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest > > > > > Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and > > > > > he was born in a log cabin which he built with > > > > > his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves > > > > > by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On > > > > > the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the > > > > > theater and got shot in his seat by one of the > > > > > actors in a moving picture show. They believe the > > > > > assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly > > > > > insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. > > > > > > > > > > 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical > > > > > compositions and had a large number of children. > > > > > In between he practiced on an old spinster which > > > > > he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to > > > > > the present. Bach was the most famous composer in > > > > > the world and so was Handel. Handel was half > > > > > German, half Italian, and half English. He was > > > > > very large. > > > > > > > > > > 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was > > > > > deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He > > > > > took long walks in the forest even when everyone > > > > > was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 > > > > > and later died for this. > > > > > > > > > > 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great > > > > > many thoughts and inventions. People stopped > > > > > reproducing by hand and started reproducing by > > > > > machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a > > > > > network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick > > > > > invented the McCormick raper, which did the work > > > > > of a hundred men. > > > > > > > > > > 18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. > > > > > Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the > > > > > Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the > > > > > radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. [bounce]
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:10:44 AM EDT
Quick thinker A woman was at home looking in the mirror carressing her breasts when her husband came home from work. He said what are you doing fondling your breasts like that? She replied I went to the dr. today and he said i have breasts of a 25 yr old. The husband said what did he say about your 50 yr old ass? She said oh we didnt talk about you at all.
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:20:51 AM EDT
What did the hat rack say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll stay here.
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:41:32 AM EDT
A man is sitting at home when his wife bursts in yelling," Pack your bags, I just won the lottery." The husband jumps up and says ,"That's great honey, where are we going?" She says, " Why would I care where you go. Just get out!"
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:20:18 PM EDT
Two homosexuals were wanting a child so after finding a surrogate mother they had their sperm mixed together and she was artificially inseminated. Nine months later they were in the hospital looking at a dozen or so screaming youngsters. Not knowing which one was theirs they told the nurse that they'd like to see their pride and joy. The nurse picks up the one baby that's not crying and puts him in the arms of the proud parents. "Oh look, said one, our baby is so special. He's the only one who isn't crying." To which the nurse replied "Oh yeah he's happy now but wait'll you see what happends when you pull that pacifier out of his ass."
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:34:11 PM EDT
a group of nuns go to Italy. They decide on the last day of their trip to pic-nic in the hills outside Rome. On the trip back, the bus's brakes fail and the bus crshes over the edge killing all the nuns. They aarive at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says "Welcome to Heaven, step forward and confess your sins" The first sister steps up "St. peter i once pleasured a man with my hand" St. Peter "Sister wash your hands in the fountain of forgivness, say ten hail marys, and step through the gates" Next sister "St. peter I too pleasured a man with my hand" St. Peter "fear not my sister, you too wash your hands in the fountain of forgivness, say ten hail marys and welcome to heaven" All of a sudden theres a commotion at the end of the line and a nun runs to the front. St. peter " no need to rush, theres room in heaven for all of gods children. Nun " I know, but i want to rinse my mouth out before sister agnus puts her ass in the fountain"
Link Posted: 11/1/2002 10:42:31 PM EDT
Why did the blonde crawl across the road? The sign said "Don't Walk".
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 9:16:04 AM EDT
Why did the blonde stop her car in the middle of the road? She saw a sign that said, "Do not pass"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 9:20:15 AM EDT
this fag was running down the street screaming "ive just been raped, ive just been raped. A cop stops him , and asks, did u get a description of the assailant. he says " does it look like i have eyes in the back of my head"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 9:26:08 AM EDT
How does a girl tell if a guy has a high sperm count? She chews before she swallows.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 10:02:55 AM EDT
A woman is working at a sperm bank when a masked, armed gunman comes in. He points the gun at her and tells her he'll shoot her unless she drinks the vial of sperm on the counter in front of her. She pleads with him, but to no avail. So she drinks it down. When she is done he removes his mask - it's her husband! And he says, "See, honey - you can do it - it's not so bad."
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 10:48:13 AM EDT
KEEP EM COMING! Every time I check this thread, I'm getting a laugh! Here's a new one for saturday; A guy walks into a bar carrying a small monkey he sits down, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and starts running around, eating everything in sight. He eats the bar peanuts, he gobbles the fruit garnish, he chows down the pretzels,everything. Finally, he jumps onto the pool table and swallows a cue ball whole. The bartender is a little more than pissed, and complains to the monkey's owner, "Did you see what that little bugger just did?" The man answers, "Yeah, he's a right little shit, he is, eating everything in sight like he does. I can't control him, but don't worry, I'll pay for everything he's eaten." The man settles up with the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves. Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar, still carrying the monkey. This time the monkey jumps to the bar, grabs a marischino cherry, stuffs it up his ass, pulls it out and finally eats it. The bartender is quite shocked. "That's disgusting. Did you see what your monkey did this time?" he asks. The man answers, "Yeah, he still eats everything in sight, all right. But ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures it first!"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 11:01:56 AM EDT
Q. Why does a have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 11:05:41 AM EDT
Originally Posted By kikomax: How does a girl tell if a guy has a high sperm count? She chews before she swallows.
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LMAO! Some friends are over just drinking beer and hanging out. I read this one and the whole room goes "eeewwwwwww".
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 11:07:46 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Citabria7GCBC: Q. Why does a [red]_______[/red] have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded.
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Gun?
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 11:10:11 AM EDT
Here's a one for ya... What does Pink Floyd and Princess Di have in common? Their greatest hit was the "WALL."
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 11:52:12 AM EDT
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 12:19:04 PM EDT
How about some "Yo Mamma" jokes. "Yo Mamma" so stanky, she used Secret and it told on her.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 12:21:27 PM EDT
your mamma so fat she, walked over a hill wearing a yellow dress and everyone thought the sun came up. i know its bad
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 12:34:29 PM EDT
Yo Mamma is so fat, The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts. Yo Mamma is so fat, when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..." Yo Mamma is so fat, when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington's nose! Yo Mamma is so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth! Yo Mamma is so fat, her belly-button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters. Yo Mamma is so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials! Yo Mamma is so fat, people jog around her for exercise!
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 1:00:26 PM EDT
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders!
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 1:07:12 PM EDT
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, where did you get that?" The parrot says 'I got him in Africa, millions of them over there.'
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 1:08:31 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Citabria7GCBC: Q. Why does a [red]dick[/red] have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded.
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???????
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 1:23:40 PM EDT
Originally Posted By M4:
Originally Posted By Citabria7GCBC: Q. Why does a [red]dick[/red] have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded.
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???????
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[thinking]Men think with their dicks...hole in it = open minded.[thinking] Har har har!
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:24:32 PM EDT
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:38:57 PM EDT
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possums and raccons it could be done.
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:45:27 PM EDT
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" the priest said. "No, Father," replied the guide, "that's what kind of fish it is. It's a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" chimed the priest. Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen" said the guide. "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch," replied the priest. "What should I do with it?" asked the priest. "Why eat it, of course," answered the guide. "You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" the priest said. Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary. "Father!" "It's OK Sister," said the priest, "that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh well, then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" asked Sister Mary. "Why, eat it of course," answered the priest. "The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing, Sister Mary?" asked the Friar. "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner," replied Sister Mary. "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" asked the Friar. "No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish - really!" claimed Sister Mary. "Oh, well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!" replied the Friar. "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. And the Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face, and he said, "You motherfuckers are alright!"
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 6:51:51 PM EDT
Two hobos were walking down a railroad track when one stops and says to the other,"this is my lucky spot". "I once found a one hundred dollar bill laying here in the dust and I picked it up and went to the liquor store. I bought a bunch of wine and I stayed drunk for a week!" Hearing this story, the hobo said that that was indeed lucky. They continued on their way and after walking a few miles the other hobo said, "this is my lucky spot. I once found a naked woman tied to the tracks right here. I untied her and carried her into the woods and made love to her for a week"! "That's great", said the hobo. "Did she give you some head too"? The hobo telling the story said, "no, no she didn't. I never did find her head".
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 7:01:54 PM EDT
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "What?... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" I replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 7:47:45 PM EDT
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 7:55:35 PM EDT
A Chicago Bear fan, a Green Bay Packers fan and a Minnesota Viking fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Viking fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Viking fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Green Bay Packer fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Packer fan out crying like a little girl. The Bears fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Bear fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes. "Not only are you an honorable man, but you are also very brave," the Sheik says, with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks. "Tie the Packer fan to my back."
Link Posted: 11/2/2002 9:53:57 PM EDT
Originally Posted By wanita: Yo Mamma is so fat, The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
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"El Beanio" I got that from the radio show "Rider's radio theater"
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 3:05:13 AM EDT
If God had intended for us to use the metric system, there would have been 10 apostles, not 12.
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 3:57:32 AM EDT
4 Homos are sitting in a Jacuzzi A glob of Cum floates to the top Then one of them says . . . . . . . . alright, who farted.. .
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 4:04:02 AM EDT
What do Michael Jackson and Kmart stores have in common???? They both have boys pants half off.
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 4:40:32 AM EDT
Yo Mamma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out. Yo Mamma is like a 7-11, open all night, hot to go and for $0.95 she'll give you a slurpee
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 6:04:17 AM EDT
Blonde and redhead at work........redhead gets bouquet of flowers delivered ..from her b`friend......blonde says...."oh..how nice...he must really love you"....redhead responds....."i don`t know....but for sure i`ll be on my back tonite with my legs up in the air"......blonde replys...."oh..you don`t have to do that.....i`ll loan you a vase"....[grenade]
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 8:17:04 AM EDT
two hookers are sharing a smoke and some coversation. First hooker: "Ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" Second hooker: "No, but I've been swung around by my tits"
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 8:29:12 AM EDT
Just one more. An old couple are driving on the interstate, when they are stopped by a Trooper. The Trooper approaches the car and says, "Sir you were driving 15 miles over the limit" The old woman, being hard of hearing, asks, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The old man answers, "HE SAID I WAS SPEEDING" The Trooper asks for, "Sir, may I see your drivers license?" The old woman asks, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The old man answers, "HE WANTS TO SEE MY DRIVERS LICENSE" The Trooper examines the drivers license, seeing there from Virginia, says, "your from Virginia, huh? I had the worst piece of ass in my life in Vriginia" The old Woman says "WHAT DID HE SAY" Too which the old man replies "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU"
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 8:44:39 AM EDT
Subject: Beer vs. . . . Beer vs. Pussy A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy. Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she may kill you. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer. If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Even Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy. It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. [b]Winner: Pussy.[/b] [sex]
Link Posted: 11/3/2002 4:30:26 PM EDT
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it!!!"
Link Posted: 11/4/2002 4:32:48 AM EDT
Oprah Winfry goes to her doctor to get some help losing weight. Oprah: Ok, Doc whats wrong with me? Doc: I'll need to examine you more closely, take off your clothes. Oprah takes off her clothes. Doc: OK, get down on all fours and crawl over there. Oprah: Hows this Doc? Doc: Fine, now crawl over here. Oprah: Like this Doc? Doc: Yes, please crawl over to the widow. Oprah: Here Doc? Doc: Yes, yes perfect. You can put your clothes on now. Oprah: Whats wrong with me Doc. Can you help me? Doc: I don't know, I just bought a new leather couch and I was try to see where it would look best in the office.
Link Posted: 11/4/2002 6:13:46 PM EDT
Q: what is the speed limit of **? A: 68 because at 69 you have to stop and turn around.
Link Posted: 11/4/2002 9:48:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/4/2002 9:57:07 PM EDT by 70SS454]
you hear about the guy with 5 dicks? his pants fit like a glove
Link Posted: 11/4/2002 10:28:07 PM EDT
Originally Posted By PosterChild: While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "What?... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" I replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
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bad. hehe. SSD
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