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Posted: 10/23/2002 4:30:01 PM EDT
By: Norman Liebmann The buzz is, in the overseas version of Sesame Street, it turns out that the HIV Muppet has been misdiagnosed. Actually he only has a hernia, and will henceforth be featured as the Muppet Who Can't Do Any Heavy Lifting. The buzz is, still feeling nostalgic for the Soviet Union, the Kennedys may change the name of their Massachusetts compound from Hyannisport to Hyannisgrad. The buzz is, in case there's any doubt about Chinese' hostility toward the us, their missiles are still being targeted on the United States, and they are lacing the plutonium in the warheads with MSG. The buzz is, this being an election year, some Democrat Congressmen are drafting legislation to make impotence eligible for disability payments. One elderly gent who applied for the benefit, when asked how long he's been impotent, replied he's not sure but his wife first noticed his symptoms on their wedding night. The buzz is, the Washington D.C. Police Department is reported to have received an anonymous tip from an informant in the Chandra Levy case. Accordingly, they have turned the information over to the Department's Slow Boat to China Investigation Section. The buzz is, in Vermont gay bars, the invitation to "Have one on the house" has a whole 'nuther meaning. The buzz is, Janet Reno was pulled over by Florida Sate Troopers who mistook her for Lucca Brazzi. (Apparently they forgot Lucca "sleeps with the fishes.") Incidentally, Reno is on the lookout for a gynecologist who can work without a net. The buzz is, there is a new reality show in the works that is a knock-off of the TV show American Idol that will call Hollywood Producers' attention to the talents of aspiring young actresses. The working title of the show is "One Blowjob Away from Stardom." The buzz is, Federal Judges are already making plans for the Washington sniper's early release, which violates the old proverb about not counting your chickens before they're paroled. The buzz is, Bill and Hillary are inviting Jane Fonda to their Chappaqua home to celebrate the anniversary of the Tet Offensive. The buzz is, under interrogation prisoners at Camp Gitmo have revealed that all Taliban terrorists will obey a standing order from Osama bin Laden to the effect: if it looks like you're going to be captured swallow the picture in your wallet of Juan Williams. The buzz is, Bill Clinton is having a major labor problem in his office. Some of his female interns have rejected his idea for them to take a mandatory sperm break. The buzz is, the election in Alaska is heating up. The Democrats hope to lock in the Eskimo vote by requiring all igloos built by HUD to have screen doors. The buzz is, a feminist organization has withdrawn the title of Hillary Clinton as The Most Wronged Woman in America and plan to give it to Mia Farrow. In an effort to take the slight gracefully, Hillary's attempt at a smile caused her lipstick to shatter. The buzz is, if Ozark conservatives get their way, the Arkansas legislature will raise the age of consent to double digits. The buzz is, Martha Stewart is working on a recipe for jail house cookies. Consistently, if Martha goes to prison she has arranged to have a file smuggled to her in a soufflé. The buzz is, Johnnie Cochran is being considered to host a TV game show called "Spin the Jury." The buzz is, the real reason Clinton was not indicted was, as they were listening to the lurid testimony of what he was doing with Monica Lewinsky, the jury began tampering with themselves. The buzz is, paramedics had to be rushed to a bank when Governor Gray Davis, while fund raising, got his tongue caught in an ATM machine. The buzz is, the world of fashion is split on their opinion of Chelsea Clinton. Half of them think she looks like Raggedy Ann, and the other half thinks she doesn't look enough like Raggedy Ann. The buzz is, ex-President Bill Clinton is considering plastic surgery to widen his nostrils in order to widen his Democratic base. The buzz is, during Clinton's Don't Ask Don't Tell Army, soldiers were obliged to keep their sexual preferences secret. However, a contingent of paratroopers who call themselves "The Daffodils from Hell", insist on jumping out of a new plane they call the C130 Flying Closet. The buzz is, at an inner city church for panhandlers, (Our Lady of Moochers) down-and-out parishioners begin their prayers by saying "Our Father Who art in Heaven Handout be Thy Name." Along those lines, the homeless in San Francisco have found a way to get people to be more generous to them. They are installing gun mounts on their shopping carts. The buzz is, Trent Lott's last physical examination revealed during his first few months in the Senate his spinal fluid began to turn into lilac water. The buzz is, folks in Georgia say Jimmy Carter first started acting weird back on his family's peanut farm when a goober bit him on the neck. The buzz is, an Ivy League University will no longer admit students based on their SAT scores, but rather how they match up on the school's color chart. The buzz is, Clinton is the first white person to be admitted to the Black Hall of Fame. There is speculation whether he will be in the Treason Section, the Pervert Section, or the Finishing-Himself-Off-in-the-Sink Section. The buzz is, Yasser Arafat has his goat in the family way. Where are the PETA people when you really need them? The buzz is, Vermont will be holding its own annual Drama Festival. They will open the season with a politically correct version of William Shakespeare's tale of star-crossed lovers called "Romeo and Fred." The buzz is, Colin Powell was justified in dismissing the insult leveled at him as "unfortunate" - but it is hardly a substitute for kneeing Harry Belafonte in the groin. The buzz is, Osama bin Laden is depressed about the low rating of The Phil Donahue Show. It is not generally known that Bin Laden is Chairman of the Afghanistan Fair Play for Phil Committee. The buzz is, in a re-editing of the film Casablanca made especially for release in Vermont, Captain Renault will order his men to "round up the usual sissies." The buzz is, Clinton says he is undismayed by his narrow chance of getting into The Hall of Fame. He's already made reservations for himself on Mount Olympus. and, oh yes ... The buzz is, Bill and Hillary Clinton are still bickering over how to divide their thirty pieces of silver (yawn.)
Link Posted: 10/23/2002 5:08:19 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/23/2002 5:27:30 PM EDT by deadman]
That buzz is called a "high". The more you smoke, the more you'll be able to handle it. On a side note, that was some funny shit. Keep up the lunacy, putie_tang.
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