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Posted: 10/11/2002 7:31:15 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/11/2002 9:17:38 AM EDT by MrP]
Well since the media can’t get it right, let’s build of their incompetence. I’ll start the story and ya’ all add on to it. Roto-Retuers (Billings MT) – This report is being written from Montana because after discussions with unnamed firearms experts, I can feel confident that I am just out of indirect fire range of the MD Sniper Serial Killer. Today, so far has been a “safe day” according to Montgomery County police. None of the terrified 280 million Americans have been targeted so far today. At the 17th press briefing this hour, police announced that they have identified the weapon used in the slayings. The Thompson Contender is a High Power Assault Super Accurate Machine Pistol commonly used by criminals for combination of firepower and concealibility. The sniper’s weapon is chambered using the all powerful .223 BMG. In the hands of a skilled marksman the .223 BMG is capable of hitting targets as far away as Minneapolis MN from the Nation’s capitol. Hence this report being written from Billings. Officials also announced:
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 7:36:36 AM EDT
Officials also announced that, due to the easy availability of this deadly weapon as well as special extra lethal ammunition that is widely avaialble at WalMart, new Federal Legislation is being "fast tracked" in Congress to specifically outlaw the possession, sale, transfer, ownership, or discussion of these types of weapons. Additional legislation is pending to outlaw one-sentence, run-on paragraphs.
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 7:44:41 AM EDT
Originally Posted By MrP: Well since the media can’t get it right, let’s build of their incompetence. I’ll start the story and ya’ all add on to it. Roto-Retuers (Billings MT) – This report is being written from Montana because after discussions with unnamed firearms experts, I can feel confident that I am just out of indirect fire range of the MD Sniper Serial Killer. Today, so far has been a “safe day” according to Montgomery County police. None of the terrified 280 million Americans have been targeted so far today. At the 17th press briefing this hour, police announced that they have identified the weapon used in the slayings. The Thompson Contender is a High Power Assault Super Accurate Machine Pistol commonly used by criminals for combination of firepower and concealibility. The sniper’s weapon is chambered using the all powerful .223 BMG. In the hands of a skilled marksman the .223 BMG is capable of hitting targets as far away as Minneapolis MN from the Nation’s capitol. Hence this report being written from Billings. Officials also announced:
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[:D] great sense of humor!
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 8:00:18 AM EDT
Report just in from the CDC. it seems that pumping gass and listining to assinine news repots can cause some peoples internal organs to explode. director Richard Swolen stated "it's the damedest thing, there is a loud expolsion and the wounds look just like high powered rifle wounds."
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 9:27:23 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/11/2002 9:32:18 AM EDT by MrP]
Breaking news: Firearms experts interviewed by Dan Rather-Biased, Tom Lockjaw and Peter Lemmings detailed how the AR-15 can be built by anyone with common household parts. Peter Lemmings was quoted as saying "we are very concerned that these types of weapons can be constructed from common plumbing fixtures and are completely untraceable". He went on to say "we are recommending that all pluming fixtures be immediately serialized and require a yellow form 4479-P for purchase". Experts report that the Moen Toilet model AS-15223r308 could easily be converted and with the addition of a flash suppressor could become an Assult-Shitter.
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 9:36:57 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 10/11/2002 9:40:18 AM EDT by slacko]
This just in!!! Michael Moore, well known firearm expert, anti gun violence activist, and Hollywood director has been contacted and asked to head up the 'Democratic Underground Movement for Bullet and Explosives Removal' (D.U.M.B.E.R.). The goals of this organization are as follows: 1) To inform people how easily a .223 'sniper' rifle can be purchased, and how readily available the armor-piercing/tumbling/fragmenting/hollow point ammunition is at Wal-Marts nationwide. 2) To sell more books and tickets for 'Bowling for Columbine' (in theaters soon, and available on VHS and DVD 1-2 weeks after). 3) To encourage the immediate enactment of legislature limiting the purchase, possesion, use, and fondling of bullets, guns, ammunition, and various explosive materials. 4) To sell more books and tickets for 'Bowling for Columbine' (in theaters soon, and available on VHS and DVD 1-2 weeks after). Moore will be joined on his West Coast crusade by such noted celebs as Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand, Sarah Brady, and Jane Fonda. Their first appearance is scheduled for Berkely, CA and will be televised by all of the national networks except for FOX which will be showing a re-run of 'The Dukes of Hazzard'. More news as it becomes available (or as soon as we can make more shit up)...
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 12:26:47 PM EDT
BTT - because it's funny Mike - you might consider editing the thread title to something more catchy like: "Sniper Caught"
Link Posted: 10/11/2002 12:38:17 PM EDT
Maybe that should be the Democratic Underground Movement for Banning Every Rifle, or D.U.M.B.E.R. ?
Link Posted: 10/13/2002 8:10:13 AM EDT
Tongue planted firmly in cheek: ABC123 (Silver in the Spring MD) – Today Governor Townsend announced that her justice department will prosecute the man that shot the sniper last week. This comes one day after President Bush honored the man in the Rose Garden of the White House. President Bush called the man a “Hero”. While Governor Townsend said “While the actions of this man proved to be beneficial to the community. We can not give the impression that sheeple are allowed to defend themselves.” The man who is licensed to carry a concealed firearm in Virginia and Pennsylvania was traveling through Maryland last week when he stopped for gas. He noticed the sniper aiming at another gas station. At that point, he retrieved his Glock handgun which had illegal high capacity magazines and shot the sniper three times. When asked for a comment Ima Slick Slimey the man’s attorney stated that the Glock 7 99mm handgun used by the man was completely legal. In addition, Mr. Slick Slimey also stated that he welcomed the opportunity to defend the man since he needed to make several payments on his new BMW. In other news, the Towsend campaign denied that the Sniper ever worked on the election campaign as a consultant. The $50,000 check that was deposited in the Sniper’s bank account from the campaign was described as a “Clerical Error”. No further investigation will be conduced into this affair. Other Sniper News:
Link Posted: 10/13/2002 8:12:27 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2002 8:32:15 AM EDT
A bill to ban sniper rifles, ie. "any rifle with a scope, and capable of putting 3 rounds into 3 inches at 50yrds." was introduced in congress today by the honorable senator Edward Kennedy. Said Kennedy at its introduction, "Only criminals, such as the police and military, should have access to such weapons, there by insuring the safety of this honorable body" Senator Clinton said, "The founding fathers had no intention of sheeple being allowed to own such items" Senator Macain said, "He would vote for such a bill for the safety of all Americans, and he hoped the favor would be returned when he ran for president" When Senator Latunburg was ask if such a law would have prevented the shootings in DC. He said, "Possibly, but probably not. It is a step in the right direction." And in related news.....
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