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Posted: 10/11/2002 5:32:46 AM EDT
> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: > > "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy > hunter.'" > > ================================ > > 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: > > Did you know that it costs forty-thousand > dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for > forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into > my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. > I don't think we should give free room and board to > criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. > And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the > chair that's hooked up to the generator. > > ================================ > > 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: > > My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what > that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to > me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, > "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our > wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. > > ================================= > > 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences : > > Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake > up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' > It's because we can't see you. We have no blood > anywhere near our optic nerve. > > ============================== > > 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: > > You know those shows where people call in and > vote on different issues? > Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that > say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and > vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very > strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" > (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood." > > ============================== > > 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: > > My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people > there. Very wholesome. They use words like > 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be- > Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of > 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I > wanna burn in 'Heck'? > > ================================ > > 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: > > My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that > says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? > 'Out entering wet shawl contests'. Makes you wonder > where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. > > ============================== > > 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: > > Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive > messages on someone's answering machine? " > > Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it > right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the > day is: "Share the love." Beep. > > "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling .... > Speaking of being positive, your test results are > back. Stop sharing the love." > > ==================================== > > 9. Andy Rooney on Research: > > Because over the past few years, more money has > been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent > on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that > by the year 2030 there will be a large number of > people wandering around with huge breasts and > erections...who can't remember what to do with them. > > ... until that time
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