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Posted: 9/22/2002 8:21:46 PM EDT
I was hoping some of my fellow shooters could lend their advice on this situation. My wife and I have been married for two years and were dating for three before that. Our relationship is great. Oh, we have the normal bumps in the road as all couples do, but my beef is with her mother. Her mom is divorced, going on twelve years now, and her son is about ten months away from heading out to college. He is the last in the nest. Let me put it to you fellas straight, I think this woman is quite selfish. She loves me and her other son-in-law, but tends to compete with us for her daughters' attention. The other son-in-law and I dread the day the youngest leaves since that will throw her in our lap far too often. My wife earlier informed me that her mom wants to come stay with us the first week we have our baby home to "help out." Now my wife is not expecting, but I want to know, am I being an asshole for not wanting that woman around? I want that time to be between me and my wife, not my wife and her mother. Since I usually feel cut out around them, I know this will be the case then. This is not just my problem because my brother-in-law feels the same way I do. I have told my wife no about this, but I am sure after exactly seven days the MIL will arrive. Any thoughts?
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:30:34 PM EDT
Didn't you mean to say monster-in-law?????!!!!
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:33:32 PM EDT
I suggest you take the first week off (or more) and be with your wife and child(ren). Enjoy the baby, W/O her mom! Selfish? I don't think so, there is a good deal of bonding that goes on between the 3 of you (you, wife and baby). 'mom', can can come over and see the baby of course, but she should give you some space w/o a fuss.
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:36:33 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:41:32 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Chida66: My wife earlier informed me that her mom wants to come stay with us the first week we have our baby home to "help out." Now my wife is not expecting....... Any thoughts?
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Yea, be afraid..... very afraid.
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:46:26 PM EDT
Move at least 800 miles away. Works beautifully.
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 8:47:23 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 9:09:04 PM EDT
I am not one to talk bad about people but your post gave me flashbacks and I need to vent. I was married for 11 years and divorced for 1 year now. I see and talk to my ex atleast twice a month. She wants to get back together but I wont...WHY? All I think about how evil My exs Mother treated and talked about her son and daughter-in-laws behind their backs...I got my share...they canand will ruin a relationship if you are not careful. I was honest with my ex when we were married. She knew I hated her backstabbing MotherSnuffer and I always will. Her dad was the same(What Psycho beatch wanted she got. Daddy was a wimpster no balls MoFo when it came to standing up for himself). If they didnt get their ways they were little Demons. I love em for being good people to their daughter but what enemies they were to their son/daughter in-laws was something else!!!!
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 9:25:44 PM EDT
Chid, I wouldn't want the MIL there for the first week either. I don't think you are wrong for wanting it to be the 3 of you when the time comes. Are you impling that even if MIL leaves you alone for the first week she will move in afterwards? If so that is a big problem.
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 9:52:46 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/22/2002 9:53:25 PM EDT by RBAD]
Originally Posted By Chida66: ... but tends to compete with us for her daughters' attention. Any thoughts?
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Only one thought comes to mind: [thinking] [size=1][i]Is she cute?[/size=1][/i] [thinking] Imbroglio might be willing to assist in this deep cover operation! [:D]
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 9:55:11 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 10:10:42 PM EDT
Most moms go to help with the baby's arrival. My mother did with my sister for 3-4 days. Cooking, cleaning, feeding is a lot better with a bit of help. You didn't mention if this was the MIL's first grandkid? I know there's a lot of MIL horror stories in here but my ex-MIL was just terrific to me.
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 10:10:58 PM EDT
Your MIL had her day to raise her kids and things have changed since the days of her raising her kids. KEEP THEM SEPERATE!! when you have kids ESPECIALLY the first week is time for you, your bride and child. She may mean well but it is not about HER, its about YOU and YOUR BRIDE. then again your wife and mother in law may see things a lot different than what you want hence, this discussion may be pointless. [;)]
Link Posted: 9/22/2002 10:16:13 PM EDT
you need to take that first week off to be with your wife. dont let the mother-in-law come over, have your wife tell her it is "bonding time". once you go back to work she can come over, do the dishes, sweep the floor, clean the bathroom, etc... you will be glad for it cause your house will be a wreck. hell, she may even cook you some real food. after dinner you and your wife go get some much needed sleep, while sucker-in-law watches the kid. it's all how you play the game. [}:D]
Link Posted: 9/23/2002 3:22:51 AM EDT
I am going to say somethings that are not in agreement with others here, but this has been my experience! My wife while pregrant was on bed rest the whole time with both of our boys, our boys are 4 and 5 know! I can say this, my mother in law wanted to come over and help out the first week and I was not very happy with it, since at the time I did not get along very well with my in-laws at all, but I allowed it because it was important to my wife! Let me tell you, I was very appreciative to the help, and when our second son came along I did not even hesitate at the offer! Heck with my second son my inlaws stayed 2 weeks! Not needing to worry about cleaning house, and fixing meals allowed me to actually spend more time with my new born sons! When you bring a new born child home your whole life is changed, and it can get very demanding and overwhelming, especially if you are working and cannot take time off, I took time off, and even with that it was pretty demanding and a big adjustment, you will be tired from not gettin any sleep, and the last thing you will be wanting to do is cook meals,and clean house, so welcome any help that you can get.You being apprehensive about your mother in law comeing over is less about you wanting to bond with your new born child, and is most likely more about your ill feelings towards your mother in law! Been there done that! Welcome the help, and boot her out in a week. Second thing about dealing with in-laws! I used to complain to my wife about her mom and dad, well after awhile I started to see that my wife was getting pretty defensive towars the suject and it made me feel like she was picking sides and did not care about my feelings on the matter and that she did not respect me! I used to complain to her, and would expect her to deal with it, you know have her talk to her folks. I had also found out that her folks were complaining to her about me, and wanted her to talk to me. So after some talking with my wife about the issue, she said to me that she was getting tired of being in the middle between me and her folks and that she was tired of needing to pick sides, so she said to me that if I had complaints about her parents that I needed to talk to them myself, and vise versa, she said to her folks that if they had complaints about me they needed to talk to me! So I started to do this, it was bumpy at first, and we butted heads a few times, had a few arguements,kicked them out of my house once, but we have actually began to develope a very good relationship, one built on respect, we dont go around talking about each other behind ones back, we treat each other like adults, and if something is really bothering us that bad, we can actually sit down and talk about it know without to much of a big issue, it has turned out quite healthy actually, and I have been able to learn a thing or two about being a better husband and dad. I also dont feel like they are talking down to me anymore either, you know like I am some snot nosed young wipper snapper, and they are the wise old people! Face it you can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your inlaws and relatives! They are part of the package when you get married. So be the man of your house, dont put your wife in the middle, you confront the mother in-law, because if you put your wife in the middle, you just might lose her some day over it. Being the man of the house, is alot more then just bringing home a paycheck. Also in being a new dad you will experience feelings of jealousy,insecurity, and you will feel left out of things,and you and your wife will not be all that intimate for awhile, mainly due to her being tired all the time, and being sore from the birth. it is normal, most men I found dont really talk about it, but think about it, you have had your wife all to yourself, know you are going to have to share her with a child, and with everyone else, face it, you are not the center of attention anymore, you will be a father know, and that means sacrifices, and your mother in law will be one of those sacrifices you will have to make, just you need to draw the boundries as to what is acceptable and what is not, and you need to tell your mother in law, not your wife! Most likely if you deal with your mother in law and not your wife, your wife will most likely respect you and and love you even more, it is a heavy burden to put on your wife to make her need to deal with her mother! So hope this helps!
Link Posted: 9/23/2002 6:58:10 AM EDT
MinuteMan is a wise man, take his advice. There is only so much that your wife can do about her mother; you will probably have to butt heads with her directly to get this sorted out.
Link Posted: 9/23/2002 7:03:58 AM EDT
I have to fully support what MM3 said above.
Link Posted: 9/23/2002 7:58:48 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Older_Crow: I have to fully support what MM3 said above.
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me too.
Link Posted: 9/23/2002 8:17:03 PM EDT
Thanks to everyone who pitched in some advice. I knew that I could count on some wise words to listen to. MM3 you helped a lot, especially with putting this into perspective. Thanks again fellas!!
Link Posted: 9/24/2002 3:24:40 PM EDT
couldnt help myself... George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price. " "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"
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