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Posted: 7/3/2002 7:02:53 PM EDT
"Hello, I'd like to talk to you about __product___" "Fine, but first, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus." (stolen)
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:05:27 PM EDT
(borrowed from someone else in another thread) Them: Hi, I'm with MCI and I'd like to help you save on long distance rates. You: We don't have a phone.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:07:32 PM EDT
or "What are you wearing??" "How about undergarments??" A buddy says; "Hang on a moment" and sets the phone down and walks away...
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:09:50 PM EDT
Here's the one I used earlier tonight: "Hello, is ______ there?" "Who the hell is this?" "May I please speak to " "WHO THE HELL IS THIS STOP CALLING ME MOTHER FUCKER!!" click
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:13:25 PM EDT
Ask them their name and home telephone. They will ask WHY? You reply with " So I can call you at home and bug the piss out of you, like you are doing to me!" If I don't have time for the above reply. My all time favorite is: " Get a real job!" That really pisses them off! [:D]
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:24:26 PM EDT
When ever they ask for me by my full name I know it's [i]one of them[/i]. I just say "no, he's not here, can I take a message?". They always say no and hang up. Short and sweet.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:29:56 PM EDT
sfoo, that was me. Not 1/2 an hour ago I got to use it again, this time it was somebody with AT&T instead of MCI. For my next trick, I think I'm gonna just respond "Huh" after every sentence they speak. Them: "Hello sir, how are you this evening." Me: "huh?" Them: "I said, Hello sir, how are you this evening" Me: "Huh?" I imagine I could get it to go on for quite a while. You can also always answer with "QUE?" It's that or go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet making "sploosh" noises while flushing the toilet repeatedly. It's getting pretty darned predictable around this house of mine, usually between 6-9pm those assholes call. Lots of wrong numbers these days too, somebody in the phone book with a name similar to my dad's must be in big time debt cause people keep calling asking for this dude. I'm kinda thinkin about trying to jack the guy over, tell the creditors that all the money was used for crack cocaine and filthy hookers.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:31:30 PM EDT
Them: Hello? May I please speak to (total basdardidation of my name)? Me: Why yes, that's me. Them: I'd like to talk to you about investment opportunities in midwest commodities. Me: Midwest commodities? who told you there was any money in midwest commodities. Them: Well market statistics show that - Me: But you're totally misinformed! The real money making oportunites are in running guns South, and bringing drugs North!! Them: Ahhem. Well. You see. I'm calling about - Me: You gotta listen to me! I'm giving you the straight shit here... Do you even know what the return rate is on - Them: CLICK......
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:34:44 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/3/2002 7:35:14 PM EDT by LotBoy]
It's simple, hang up on them.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:37:45 PM EDT
My phone number is unlisted and under the listed name is not mine! So it useally starts with asking for someone whom of coarse is not me, so I say No so an so is not hear(then the silence and the automatic call). Then somebody comes on male or female Blah bata bing bata blah. Then I ether hang up or ask have you talked long enough to get your money for this call and if yes then I say Thank You but No thank You. Then Hang up! I always want to think it could be my daughter,or maybe yours that is having to do this to feed the kids. I hate it but with all the really bad shit going on right now,Its just as small thing! Bob [8D]
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:43:06 PM EDT
"No, he is not here, diss ist Haans, vott can Haans do for you? Can Haans tack eine message? Hullo? Are you still dere? [i]Ach, verdammt.[/i]"
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:48:20 PM EDT
Them: Hello, Is Mr.Slick there? Me:Yes, this is him. Them: Id like to tell you about (enter crap here) Me:Have you seen my cat? Them:Huh? We were just calling to tell you... Me:Hes small, black with white spots, I think he's lost. And another: Them: Is Mr.Slick there? Me: No.... Them:When would be a better time to call back? Me: Uh..Im just staying here....the door was open and I needed a place to stay...your not gonna tell anybody Im here are you? (continue on until amused enough or until they hang up) And one more: Them: Is Mr.Slick there? Me: No, do you know where he is? That sumb]tch owes me money! You knw where he is dont you? All Confuse them quite well.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:48:48 PM EDT
You guys are mere children playing games on the phone. Put in a search for Tom mabe telemarketers revenge And tremble in the Presence of the MASTER! You can also steal his MP3's on Morpheus or whatever.
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 7:51:09 PM EDT
I am the master of f#cking with telemarketers. I haven't heard of a trick yet that I haven't already tried. For example: "Hello, may I speak with..." "You must be the guy who's f#ckin' my wife! I'm gonna git you!" Or for anyone calling up asking for a donation, I'll lead them along: "So, would you like to make a donation to our group?" "Sure! I'll charge a $1000 donation. Let me get my credit card out of my wallet..." (unplug phone line from the wall) If the suspect mispronounces my last name: "May I speak with Mr. Icantpronounceanythingphonetically?" "Sorry, that's not the proper pronunciation of my last name." (click) Sometimes, I'll just answer the phone: "Hello?" (insert sales pitch here while I've set the phone down and walked off) For credit card companies, there's always the Monty Python tactic: "We'd like to offer you this so-called Platinum card with all of these crappy features you will never use!" "Oh, you see, I've already got one." "You've already got one?" "Oh yes, it's very nice." I just recently got caller ID. I had the choice of blocking anonymous callers. I couldn't bring myself to do it, because A) who else calls me but telemarketers and B) it's too much fun when I'm bored! the_reject
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 9:20:00 PM EDT
Originally Posted By tc6969: You guys are mere children playing games on the phone. Put in a search for Tom mabe telemarketers revenge And tremble in the Presence of the MASTER! You can also steal his MP3's on Morpheus or whatever.
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[url]http://www.tommabe.com/album.php[/url] Number four is great. So is "pooped a J" Scott
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 9:25:55 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 10:04:24 PM EDT
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 11:37:54 PM EDT
There is always a delay after you pick up the phone and say Hello. Computers are dialing the numbers while the moron working there waits for someone to answer. If no-one answers your "hello" within a second, hang up. If it's anyone important, they'll call back
Link Posted: 7/3/2002 11:45:30 PM EDT
One guy I know has a new one I hadn't heard before. When the sales drones call, ask for what ever, he just repeats (until they hang up): "I don't speak English."
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 12:21:28 AM EDT
...Exactly why I don't have a land line...
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 12:45:56 AM EDT
Originally Posted By TREETOP: ...Exactly why I don't have a land line...
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So how are you getting on the 'net these days? Satellite?
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 12:47:01 AM EDT
And while I'm here...why not go for the whole Bud WHAZZZZUPPPP!!! or even funnier, JIIIHHHADDDD!!!! bits with the caller?
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 12:48:19 AM EDT
Originally Posted By sfoo:
Originally Posted By TREETOP: ...Exactly why I don't have a land line...
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So how are you getting on the 'net these days? Satellite?
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Cable.
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 12:52:14 AM EDT
Originally Posted By TREETOP: Cable.
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Didn't realize they'd strung it into the boonies that far yet. [:D] Still hasn't made it to my part of the world, though. [:(]
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 1:05:43 AM EDT
I usually just let the machine answer everything. One time a chick was selling home security systems... ME---I have a good system now. HER---May I ask what system? ME---Sure. I have 6 Rott's and a large amount of semiautomatic weapons. HER---silence...............click.
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 1:35:12 AM EDT
Originally Posted By sfoo:
Originally Posted By TREETOP: Cable.
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Didn't realize they'd strung it into the boonies that far yet. [:D] Still hasn't made it to my part of the world, though. [:(]
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I got to see Treetops new house today, and meet Mrs.Treetop. "Boonies" is definatley NOT a word that I would use to describe his place!
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 1:37:05 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 5:41:53 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/4/2002 11:15:45 AM EDT by Waldo]
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 6:40:47 AM EDT
Originally Posted By sfoo:
Originally Posted By TREETOP: ...Exactly why I don't have a land line...
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So how are you getting on the 'net these days? Satellite?
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Cable modem...
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 10:53:16 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 11:01:59 AM EDT
i just say that person is not here rarely hear back.
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 11:08:08 AM EDT
Originally Posted By tatjana: "Hello." "Is the person who is in charge of the long distance phone buying decision at home...?" "Well, yes, but he can't come to the phone right now. He's dead." -Shocked silence- "This is the county coroner- who is this calling? Did you know the deceased? Did you call earlier tonight, before the crime?" "Well... uh... well..." "Perhaps you better take this number of your list, son."
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ach, i thought i originally thought of that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:(] it works, too.
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 11:11:37 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/4/2002 11:11:56 AM EDT by ColonelKlink]
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 11:13:58 AM EDT
One of the good laws that a Tennessee legislature did a few years ago was pass a "No Telemarketers If You Don't Want Them Law". Just enter your phone numbers on the Tn Gov website and..poof..no more annoying calls. The number of calls dropped from almost everyday to zero....
Link Posted: 7/4/2002 11:16:11 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/5/2002 12:24:41 AM EDT
this isn't funny, but it works "please take me off your calling list" they're required by law to no longer call you after that, at least in NY, not sure if it's a national law
Link Posted: 7/5/2002 7:27:12 AM EDT
Hello? This is Dawn Dumb with ABC Mortgage Company and I .... MORTGAGES?!?! Oh man I've been wanting to buy some. Whatcha got? Anything in the $300 to 500 K? Click...hummmmmmm
Link Posted: 7/5/2002 7:49:51 AM EDT
I usually tell them that I'll buy their product if they will do one thing. When they ask what, I tell them they have to jump up on their desk and scream at the top of their lungs, "I'm sick of these motherfuckers on the phone and I'm fixing to kill everybody in this room". Never had any takers.
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 7:51:55 AM EDT
When my caller ID says the call is coming from "UNAVAILIBLE", I always answer in a loud serious voice: "NETWORK OPERATIONS" "...uh is Mr.Derek45 there?" "THIS IS NETWORK OPERATIONS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE CALLING THIS NUMBER ! ! " "...uh, what's network..uh...is Mr....uh...is this a residence??" "THIS IS NETWORK OPERATIONS ! !" click. If I'm bored, (in a sincere voice) I'll tell them to try and find a better job, "Pizza drivers make pretty good tips do you have a car? They don't require any skills either."
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 7:55:35 AM EDT
1st interstate bank calls, "Please hold, I'll go find him" minutes later "You still holding, let me go find him" They hang up between 5-10 minutes later. Worst part is they now keep calling back every day, thinking I'm really interested. I keep doing the same thing.
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 8:13:04 AM EDT
Indiana also has the "No Call List". We used to get at least 2 calls a day, now we might get one a week. There is now one documented case of the gov't doing something correctly (though it probably is costing 6 trillion dollars). csx76
Link Posted: 7/6/2002 8:53:57 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/6/2002 9:00:31 AM EDT by NOVA5]
Feedback (not the vocal kind) is always loads of fun. when a human answers you back turn on the speakerphone on the base (usually the handset is left active, perfect for our intentions) then place the handset near the base's speaker. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE­EECH. turn it off and listen to them for a second. if you hear them curse turn it back on. ;) rinse and repeat until they hang up. reason this works is they wear headsets which places the speaker directly on the ear. and its a pain to yank off quick enough. used to work phone techsupport so i had to wear the headset deals. much more comfortable then using a handset all day long. course the other good on is Windows XP has a built in text-speech program. use microsoft sam voice. slow it down to about 10% speed. sounds like a retarded computer. you can have much fun with this. course you could always make them wonder about your sexual pratices. tell them your gerbial(spell it Gerbal for it to sound right) is stuck in the dark side. ;) ive never been one to tell them to put me on a do not call list. way to much fun screwing with them.
Link Posted: 7/23/2002 8:45:04 AM EDT
OMG. This was the best laugh I've had in weeks! I was falling out of my chair!! Thanks to all. This isn't funny either, but I ask them how in the hell they got this number- its a cell phone. I'm not kidding either..they called me on my cell phone- which happens to be my only phone.
Link Posted: 7/23/2002 8:51:04 AM EDT
Link Posted: 7/23/2002 9:32:46 AM EDT
99.999% of them use computers to dial the numbers and connect an available telemarketer when you answer, so I use their own computers against them. Their computers are programmed to drop numbers from their lists if those numbers are invalid. They judge this by those three tones you get when you dial a number that is not in service. Stick those tones as the first thing on your answering machine outgoing message, and let the machine answer everything for a while and most of your t-m calls will go away...
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