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3/20/2017 5:03:23 PM
Posted: 6/23/2002 7:51:09 AM EDT
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 8:16:00 AM EDT
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 8:26:05 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/23/2002 8:27:30 AM EDT by dnra]
[blue]A ""Divorced guys"" perfect breakfast of champions...[/blue]in front of him at the breakfast table,his son's on the box of 'Wheaties'in front of him,his daughter is on the cover of 'Glamor' magazine on the table,...and his X-wife is on the 'milk carton'.
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 8:40:00 AM EDT
A guy comes home after work and finds his wife having sex with his best friend. After a short shouting match, the man tells his wife that he's going to the bar, and that she had better be packed up and out of the house by the time he gets back. At the bar, the man begins telling his drinking buddies the story. When he finishes, one of his buddies asks, "So, you're really kicking your wife out?" "You better believe it!", answers the man. "Well, what did you say to your best friend?", asks another buddy. "Oh, that was simple", responds the man, "I just said 'Bad dog. Get off the bed!'".
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 9:07:27 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/23/2002 9:10:25 AM EDT by ARMALITE-FAN]
Three blondes where out celebrating.Guy walks over and asked what there celebrating. Oh we just finnished a puzzle.The guy says I dont get it.Why whoop it up for a puzzle? She says we did it in 15 minutes.He says I still dont get it. She says the box said 2 to 4 years.
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 11:04:03 PM EDT
Two young necrophilioacs enter a graveyard to enjoy an hour or so of sex. The next day, the girl suffers from a bad back pain so she goes the the doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe and he starts to examine her back. The doctor asks, "How old did you say you are?" "Thirty three," says the girl. "Why do you ask?" The Doctor says, "Well your ass says that you died in 1953!"
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 11:19:08 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/23/2002 11:19:50 PM EDT by Gunbert]
Guy goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila, lined up. The bartender sets up the round and watches as the man slaps them back one after the other. After the sixth one the bartender says "Hey, son, whatcha celebrating?" Between drinks the kid curtly replies "My first blowjob." The bartender says "Well all right! The 13th shot is on the house!" Kid says "No thanks, if 12 won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"
Link Posted: 6/23/2002 11:58:38 PM EDT
[img]http://home.earthlink.net/~thegardenweasel/ohshit.gif[/img]
Link Posted: 6/24/2002 12:08:29 AM EDT
At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?" She replied "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN!"
Link Posted: 6/24/2002 4:17:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/24/2002 4:37:32 AM EDT by Alien]
Air Force One lands in Washington after the President's trip to his home state of Arkansas. As Bill is coming down the stairs, the Marine at the bottom of the steps notices that he has two pigs with him and bellows, "NICE PIGS, SIR!" The President eyeballs him and says, "Marine! I'll have you know that these aren't just pigs. These are Arkansas Razorbacks...the finest pigs to be found ANYWHERE in the world! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The Marine thinks for a second then yells, "GOOD TRADE, SIR!" Taken from: http://www.benchapman.com/jokes/index.asp
Link Posted: 6/24/2002 5:03:28 AM EDT
A white guy and a black guy are standing on top of a 41 story building in New York City on a hot august day. White guy looks at the black guy and says "I bet you $20 if I jump off this roof the neo-thermal updraft caused by the heat will just bounce my big white butt right back up here next to you!". Black guy says "Sure I got a twenty on that! You got any next of kin I need to notify?". Just when the black starts to laugh the white guy jumps off the roof. He's flying down to the road when sure enough he gets to the 3rd floor and bounces right back up to the roof landing next to the black guy. The black guy freaks and starts looking for ropes or wires while saying "I know that was a trick, is this Candid Camera?". He calms down and says "Alright, do it again! I wasn't watching it musta been a trick!. So the white guy obliges and jumps with the same result. He bounces right back up next to the black guy and holds hand out for his money. The black guy ain't happy about dropping a twenty but he's grinning cause that is the neatest thing he has ever seen in his life. He looks at the white guy and says "I know if your lame ass can do it, so can I!". So he jumps off the roof. He gets to about the 3rd floor and then SPLAATTT!!!. While all this is going on. There are two old men sitting on a bench across the street watching the action. One looks at the other and says "You know what? That Superman can be a Sonofabitch sometimes!".
Link Posted: 6/24/2002 5:20:09 AM EDT
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven. 1) What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... I'll give you credit for that answer. "How about the second one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question." "Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."
Link Posted: 6/24/2002 5:38:38 AM EDT
There are 4 kinds of sex: 1) House sex - when you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. 2) Bedroom sex - after you have been married a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. 3) Hall sex - after you've been married many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU" 4) Courtroom sex - when you and your lawyer screw your husband in divorce court in front of many people for every penny he's got!
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