They might have been your family for 22 years, but they have been your wife’s family forever and there is where the loyalty will ultimately end up. Trust me, been there and done that. Distance yourself from that family as soon as you are able to and things will get better.

Been there, done that. I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you tried living in the moment exercises?

And, it's likely RevolverRO has established a codependent relationship with one of more members of her family.

Fuck life right now.

Everything has combined to make it the perfect shit-storm of depression, anxiety, and existential dread for me.

One of the beautiful things about opening your heart to God is that no one, or no thing, can hurt you. They can take your body, but they can't take your life.

There are also effective worldly methods of making life easier, such as meditations and exercises that will teach you to live in the moment.

When is it enough?
I've lost everyone in my life that I was close to.
My youngest sister in 83, she was 21, pregnant with my nephew. This was the hardest of all.
A rare brain infection, she thought she had a bad earache. They induced a coma once they figured out what it was and let her come out of it for a few moments... the look of shear terror in her eyes haunts me, she kept try to reach me  and her focus stayed on just me. Nothing I could do but cry.

Lost my nephew in 04 when he was 21 in a motorcycle accident just after my wife and I hired him to work at my shop. He was an awesome kid.

Lost my Mom in 05, she basically drank herself to death, depression got the best of her. My wife and I took care of her in her last year. I held her hand in mine as the light left her eyes in the hospital.

Lost my only other sister a year after I donated a kidney to her, the transplant didn't work out and she couldn't go on living with being a burden so she ended it overdosing on her insulin. The last year together gave me many good memories.

In 2016 my wife died in my arms in our living room.
A stroke. No indication, nothing, she was healthy, 52 yrs old, had my 19 yr old son dial 911, my 15 yr olddaughter didn't seem to know what was going on at the time.
It was all a blur from there but having to explain to my kids that Mom is brain dead hurt, it hurt watching the torment they never experienced before we all needed someone... anyone but we only had each other...we were all broken at that point and nothing could fix it.

It's been rough the last couple years, daughter moved out of the house, son has become secluded in a way.
None of us can stand being in the living room, replaced the furniture etc but nobody uses the room...at all.

My Dad, 82 yrs old has a home and a piece of property on an island in Maine, my wife dreamed of building a cabin/ summer home on the property.
It's where the kids decided to lay her ashes because she loved it there as do we.
Last year I setup a camp there, 18 acres with a well for water. Getting everything lined up to build, cleared an acre, got the septic plans all ready to go, bought a tractor, built a bathhouse etc.

Now my Dad's wife ( my stepmom) is in need of care. The 18 acre property and the property his home is on are in a living trust and it looks like the state will take the home and the property where my wifes ashes and dreams are.

It seems like every little thing I keep sacred to hold onto gets ripped away... I don't know how to tell my kids that the one place their Mom is at will be gone.
I'm dreading the day when my Dad passes, besides my kids he's all I got left

Maybe, problem is island property is pricey.
I don't know what else to do everything just gets more and more difficult

The really fucked up thing is the stepkids... they're all concerned with who's getting what car etc instead of thinking about the care their mother needs. She's got Alzheimer's and my Dad is at the end of his rope trying to care for her.
Now the stepsister has figured out she likely won't be getting the house.

Just fed up trying to make sure my Dad doesn't lose everything with this but too late to move things into irrevocable trusts. Meanwhile the one place of solace for me and the kids will disappear.

I was with her for 35 years, married for 29... I'd give anything to go back

Me-ConnSM, thanks for sharing- you have a lot on your plate. Thoughts from TN headed your way. Hope you can find joy and laughter- I know when things settle and smooth out (they will) you will be stronger for what you're going through. Sorry clouds are dark for you right now- they WILL clear.
Till then do what you got to do to take care of you. Ben (IM, px, or email always there if needed)

I’m not familiar..

I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.  I hope you guys that are struggling find peace.  We all deserve it.  

I’m struggling as the holidays approach. Thanksgiving  2018 was the day I caught her going to a hotel with my friend instead of going Black Friday shopping with her mom. I should’ve ended everything then, but I wanted the kids to gave a family, and I asked myself if I’d been the one to screw up, would I want a second chance. I tried to save our family. Wish now I’d just given up instead of struggling for the last two years.

The sooner you break the bond, the quicker and easier recovery will be. Search codependency and, without bias, see if it fits you. If so, there are steps you can take in getting that monkey off your back.

I feel for you, brother. Took me years to break the fear of the holiday season.

It’s tough to have no contact with her— with four kids and shared custody. Especially during the holidays.

Yes it is. You might want to work towards looking at her in a different way.

She might love you, but she's no longer in love with you. She's no longer your wife. Keep your conversations limited to logistics necessary in kid sharing. No longer concern yourself with how she's doing, or what she does in her private life. There are now strict boundaries you must observe.

Take time to work on yourself, and be dad to your kids when they're in you're custody.

Pay close attention to all of that.  ^^^^^  Excellent advice i promise you.

Guys (gals?),

Just popped in for the first time.

Been having some ups and downs and worries myself, and have to say that every time I open GD and see this thread pinned near the top I think of how great this place can be, how fantastic it is that people can come together in mutual support, that Ed Sr would start such a thread.

All the times I've read someone's reply of "IM'd you my number, call me" or even just "I'll pay for your dog's medication" here on AR15 remind me that there is still a lot of good in the world.

There are a lot of familiar names in the last few pages and situations I remember being shared before.  You are in my prayers.  I wish there there were easy answers or ready help for all troubles - there are certainly people here who care and wish you well.

@Jus228

I'll post a few specific exercises over the next few days, but in the meantime you can explore here:

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/live-in-the-moment.html

There are some links in text that explore other articles on that site relating to living in the moment; they're in a very light blue and kind of difficult to spot. First time I've been to that site, but it looks true to the subject.

I'll be blunt since I'm new to this place.

21+ yo. Living with parents at home. Supposed to be still in college, but with all this pandemic stuff not really. Jobless, or at least in extremely hot waters with my part-time job boss. Depressed and worried about future of 2A, and throwing away savings like crazy on gun stuff.

Depressed, demoralized, demotivated, and without a routine. Feel like total shit. Plz help.

Welcome!

You're not alone. This year has been rough on everybody. If you're not taking vitamin D3, start. Try 2000IU a day. That isn't an overdose level even if your D levels are good. D3 is helps fight depression. So does not spending all your savings!

You're concerned about what might happen in the future, and that's common. You can fight that by living in the moment. I put a cold link to a site in the post directly above yours. I'm also going to post some specific exercises over the next few days.

Lots of good people here. If you need to talk on the phone, ask. if you want to communicate through instant message, pick anyone or everyone.

Some great quotes taken from the site I cold linked 2 posts above.
-----------------------------------
Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee. Montaigne

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. Anonymous

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. Jan Glidewell

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. Euripides

Study as if you were to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow. Isidore of Seville

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. H. L. Mencken

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Chinese Proverb

The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness. Abraham Maslow

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Charles Dederich  

We are always getting ready to live but never living. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do. Jean de la Bruyere

I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.
D.H. Lawrence

Shut down your devices and turn the lights down, or off.

Find a comfortable spot on the floor, face up.

Place one hand on your abdomen and one on your chest. Keep breathing relaxed. When breathing properly, your belly should rise and fall. Feel it with your hand for a bit.

Then concentrate on the air coming in through your nostrils and into the lungs.

After a little while, increase the depth of your breaths, again feeling your belly. You might start to feel your chest expand. Now feel the air as it comes in, and leaves. Follow it all the way in and out. You might feel it pass over the mouth with the deeper breathing. Feel everything related to breathing.

You can do this next one immediately following the above, or at a different time.

Same position, but with arms comfortably at your sides. Concentrate on your toes. Do they feel warm, cold? Can you feel socks? Feel as much as you can about your toes. Don't do any of this feeling exercise with your hands.

Do the same with the soles. Then the heels. Then the tops of your feet. Be patient and take it slow, take the time to feel everything you can.

Then the ankles. Go slow and feel everything. Then calves, then shins, knees, etc, until you reach the top of your head.

BTW, do the same with your fingers up to your shoulders.

Ex wife took a travel nursing contract out of state so now I have the kids for the holidays.  I didn’t want Christmas or Thanksgiving in my house(I caught her cheating on thanksgiving and she walked out on us a year later on Christmas Day).  Every day that I’m not working I spend as much time as possible with my kids. It’s so damn hard. First Christmas in 23 years that I’ll be alone.

You'll have the kids and be alone?

I made some posts in a team thread I'm going to paste in here. Start with this one.

Actually, you should fight panic attacks. Learn to identify the physical changes that happen immediately prior to an attack. They include, but are not limited to, tightening of jaw and clenching of teeth, tightening in chest, tightening in abdomen, and increasing heart rate. Thought patterns and emotions will also begin to change.

Once you learn the signs of what happens to you preceding an attack, tell it no way not today! Not today, not tomorrow, not next month, not next year, not ever!

They will return, but if you stay on it like you would to fully train a dog, the frequency of attacks will diminish over time, and eventually disappear.  

You can do it!

What's better than hobbies you have are hobbies you don't have.

Specifically, new activities that force the brain and body to work together. If there's an element of risk, so much the better.

Risk:

Learn martial arts, rock climbing, mountain biking, snow skiing, surfing, sky diving etc. I'll add ropes course in there. Teamwork is good. Price of admission is a tough one for some of these. I know rock climbing can often be learned for free through university outdoor programs, or climbing club. Low cost martial arts classes can often be found.

Lower risk:

Bowling classes, billiards, dance, etc. A lot of these kinds of classes can be found at community colleges or through clubs. Low in cost.

The activities in the above post will literally reprogram your brain. The neural pathways are stuck in ruts, and need to be rerouted.

Engaging in new activities that require mind/body coordination will, by their very nature, require you to leave your comfort zone. It's good to pick activities containing elements of higher risk, but you might have to start small and work your way up. Many people get locked in a safe space cage. Can't remember who wrote a certain quote I once read, but I'm guessing this is a paraphrase because my memory isn't what it was.

Safe spaces are places where dreams go to die.

What is a safe space? Is quickly looking away when you accidentally make eye contact with a stranger considered ducking back into your safe space? Would never making eye contact again be more comfortable?

Instead of making your safe cage smaller, give a warm, happy, smile. What if you walked around in public smiling?

Smiling is contagious, try it. Reactions are predictable.

I'm not the only one it seems.  I hate that there are others who feel this way.  I hide it from my wife and children.  I'm terrified and anxious all the time.  

Anyways.  Know that you're not the only one.  

Also of note:  
The skeleton didnt go skydiving. Because he didnt have the stomach for it.

When the Janitor jumped out of the closet to scare his coworker, what did he tell?

SUPPLIES!

My 6 year old boy told me those jokes, and in the last few months I havent smiled more than after hearing those punch lines out of his mouth.  

So I've got that going for me I guess.  

......

56 years old doing construction work, busted up like a MOFO, wife of 16 Yrs knew this from day one. She's 46 and ran off... it happens.

Take it by adverse possession.  I'll spell you on lookout.

Thanks man!

You are not alone, there are millions that feel like we do.
Don't keep it bottled up and hidden, if you need help then you have to get help. There is no shame in that. Try to do some fun things with your kids and that will help.

Inspirational and motivational videos on YouTube have helped me make it through another day many times. Fearless Soul has some really good videos that will help you feel better.

Hey man, I’m sorry- I know it feels like everything is piling up on you. What are you going to college for- career wise?

You’re 21 years old- any interest in the military or law enforcement?

121 days for me. Sometimes I wish I could take something, close my eyes, and forget. Other times I wish I’d close my eyes and never wake up. But so far I’ve always chosen to stay clean.

Wife changed her schedule and now she has the kids for thanksgiving (part of our regular scheduled custody arrangement, she was going out of town so I took them gladly, but now she’s coming back). Frustrating but I’ve lived up to my side of the agreement, I’m not gonna be a dick about it.

Always take the high road, brother. You'll feel good about yourself.

I know exactly what you mean about wishing you could close your eyes and never wake up. I wasn't made for this world.

You need to let her go. She's not your wife anymore. Focus on shared responsibilities and move on.

She's got to be intentionally yanking your chain just for the fun of it. Maybe it just comes natural to her.

I don't understand how you can still be in love with her after all the shitty things she's done. What is your limit? Is there any low she can stoop to that will snap you out of her spell?

You can't go on like this.

The logical side of my brain knows I can never trust her and she’s never coming back.

But my heart misses the person that was there for the first 20 years, not the last 2 years.

There’s a huge empty void in my life. Not that she’d ever return (she won’t). Not that I’d let her if she did. I’d spend the rest of my life eaten up with mistrust, always wondering if I was being cheated on.


Worst for me now is remembering the girl I went to prom with, the girl who sat with me in the hospital and told me she’d always be there for me, the girl I walked down the aisle with, the girl I held as our children were born, the person I loved. The person who she used to be. Now I think of what she is and what’s she’s chosen to do and it just hurts.

First Christmas alone. I know people think I’m just a big pussy. Ever since I got stabbed Ive had nightmares. I wake up screaming, heart racing, hyperventilating. I claw at the empty side of the bed, hoping against hope that I can just hold someone, close my eyes and stop shaking. But it doesn’t happen.

No one thinks you're a pussy. I look at what you've been going through and seriously wonder if I'd still be standing if put in your shoes.

You will get through this, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. That's why we're trying to get you busy working on yourself. Wish I could be there to give hugs and other support.

What do you like to do when you have time off alone?

@RevolverRO

I felt the same way you do about my ex when I got separated and divorced years ago. Prayed constantly to get back together with her, I mean praying for hours at a time every day for years. Knew I wouldn't be able to trust her again but wanted her anyway. It's the rejection that gets you and of course you will miss the time yall spent together. Try not to dwell on the memories and if you are honest with yourself you might not have been that happy being with her anyway.

Mine took my 6yr old son to her boyfriends parents house out of state the week before Christmas while we were separated and they couldn't get back because of a snowstorm. I ended up playing games on the pc and went to my parents house Xmas day. It sucked but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

After several years divorced and me wanting her back so bad we dated a little while. I finally got what I thought I wanted after so long only to find out I didn't really want to be with her.  I wasted all those years wishing for her and playing her games when I could have been living and enjoying life.

My son lived with me most of the time back then and I look back now and see that I got to spend more time with him being divorced than if we had stayed married. Those years with my son were the best time of my life. I just didn't realize it then because I was to busy pining over her. He had a great time then too, we laugh about the adventures we had all the time now.

My ex and I are good friends now 18yrs later and im single and 50 now, don't even date. I can see now that if we would have gotten remarried that i would have been miserable. I took up so many hobbies over the years and got to do things I never would have been able to do if I had stayed married to her. God was answering my prayers all along I just didn't want to accept his answer.

If you are having trouble sleeping on the bed sleep on the couch. Cushions are right up against you and that really helped me with the empty bed problem. I still like sleeping on the couch now lol.

Spend all the time you can with the kids, get along with her and MAKE yourself find some things you like to do and you will get through this and be better off. I will be praying for you just like many others on here are. You are gonna be ok.

Last night she called to FaceTime with the kids. She was supposed to be away at her Travel Nurse gig, but she was back, at her boyfriend’s, snuggled up in his bed as she asked me to put the kids on. I gave the phone to the kids as they excitedly started telling their mom how much they missed her, and left the room.

They called me back in, she wanted to know what time I’d be dropping them off, asked if I had any plans for Thursday before I went into work. She asked if I could smoke some hard boiled eggs so she could make deviled eggs for her thanksgiving, and maybe make some sugared cranberries and  some scones.

No, no, I can’t. Have Ben make those for you. Oh, wait, he doesn’t cook. He eats pizza, chicken nuggets and Chinese food.

Today I’m up, put the turkeys in the smoker at 6am for the thanksgiving I’m having at my house with my kids. Two years ago I was up prepping everything for the big day of cooking. I went to bed knowing my wife loved me, knowing I was a good husband, a good father. I knew I mattered, I knew I was loved, and I knew that no matter what my best friend would be there for me.

Every day since then I’ve gone to bed wondering. And every morning I wake up, wondering if it isn’t easier to just give up. It’s been eleven months since she confirmed my worst fears, and I still wonder if I should’ve just killed myself two years ago instead of trying to somehow carry on, telling myself that one day I’ll be happy, one day I won’t be alone.

I’m in the tree stand now, needed some breathing room. My kids are getting the dining room set up and getting reading to start cooking. I don’t want them to see me hurting on today, OUR thanksgiving.

Ugh.

@revolverRO.  As said, nobody thinks you’re a pussy.  There 1000 people here who have suffer a spouses betrayal and loss. Who have felt alone, and didn’t have the strength to reach out, or even walk outside.


My first Christmas morning without my kid was horrible.  I sat and cried.  Now, it happens alternating years and it’s simply part of life.  

My ex does everything she can to make me miserable.   As was said, always take the high road.  It’s hard, it’s not fair.  But now, 10 years after divorce, my kid knows and openly states who the reliable one is.   It still sucks being the positive parent, but it’s paid off.  

You may feel like crap, and all alone.  But you know that someone special will come into your life. And it probably won’t take five years.   And you know as do I the faster you get outdoors, get on with friends, the faster you will heal and find someone.   So get moving.

Don’t hate yourself and punish yourself.  Be your own advisor and follow your own advise. As hard as it is, go do something.

Been there.  Done that.  And so has everyone else.  You are not alone.

I dropped the kids off last night. They hugged their mom, we spoke for few minutes about some doctors appointments for the kids, health of her grandmother, stuff like that.

I went to leave and she came out into the porch. She hugged me and said the holiday hit her hard as she bought groceries today to make thanksgiving dinner by herself. She said that she burst into tears as she loaded up her car in the grocery store parking lot.  

She said she’d wronged me, and hurt me. And split our family apart by her actions. Crying, she said she hoped that one day I wouldn’t hurt, and that I’d find someone who could love me, and that I would be happy. She said she couldn’t undo what had happened but she hoped that one day the kids and I could forgive her.

I told her I hated that our marriage ended like it did, and that I’d have given anything for it to have had  a different outcome. At that point I was really becoming emotional, so I just said “You were the love of my life, and my best friend. And that’s gone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever heal and feel that happy again. I hope one day I can can find it in my heart to forgive you for the hurt you caused us, and I’m trying...but I’m not there yet. Good night”

And I left, came home to my two older kids, hugged them, and went to bed.

Sounds like the the honeymoon phase with her new stud is fizzling out. The grass isn't so green anymore and she is either going to search for a new stud or try to monkey-branch back to the safety and security of you.

No, actually yesterday he gave her a ring and she accepted. Wedding is in June. Got that news in a text.

I agree with this. ^^^^^^

Its been a bad year for just about everyone, I've had a couple big ups & downs, it seems the downs always prevail to wipe out the ups.

No, just part of the manipulative drama she's been doing from the beginning. I think I remember revo saying she was taking personality meds