Sorry I've been away for a while. Needed to really focus on myself.
I read "Can't Hurt Me" and that's a damn good book. His lessons on mentality have been helping me a bunch. I've been reading a lot in general. I've found it engages my brain enough to get out of my own head. TV or video stuff just isn't stimulating enough to keep my brain from wandering. Most other hobbies are just too expensive or require creativity which I just don't have that much of at the moment.

Getting back on track with working, lifting and life. Before it feel like every step forward was on unstable ground and I would fall back 2 steps. Now I seem to be holding my ground much better.

Got some really big lifting goals. Shit is going right with my lifting. I would say my goals but most people would probably roll their eyes, lol.

Haven't drank a drop since rock bottom. I'm tempted to see if I can have "just one beer" but I'm staying nice and clean.
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Now onto the topic strange topic. The ex.  So she was stalking my IG stories. I usually post about 1 a day, she was viewing literally every single one of them. Which wouldn't be weird but she didn't follow me. Which means every single day, probably multiple times a day she would be searching my name and profile to try to see what I'm doing. At this point I was about to block her, but that little voice in my head that tells me to do the right thing got me in trouble again. Maybe she was going through some shit, maybe she was trying to open the door to apologize, I don't know. Maybe I'm an idiot for trying to believe there is good in someone that has shown interest in doing the right thing.  I decided to reach out and I just said "are you okay?" and after that she immediately blocked me, lol.  So obviously she isn't, lol. Half of me feels pities her, half of me still hates her, half of me wants to know what the hell happened. She may try to reach out in the future. She may not. I would say it's borderline stalkerish to be searching for me every day, but who knows? I won't know how to proceed until she says her half. And honestly the best thing for me is to not think about it too much. But that's the tough part.

Until then I'm just working on confidence (not letting negative self talk get into my brain) and self discipline. It's really odd, I'm so discipline in so many areas of my life. But with others I seem not to be. But every day is progress.
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EDIT: well fuck I guess I own this page. I was sort of hoping this would get buried lol.

Good for you my friend life does get better I know it doesn't seem like it a x but it does I think you're doing marvelous and thank you for the update
Keep up the good work in the progress it will pay off in the end trust me it just does

I still have my ups and downs. Before I felt like my depression was always lying dormant. I knew I suffered from it, but I was good enough at hiding it and faking it so that it would really only bubble up on occasion. Few months back with everything going on I wasn't able to hid it or fake it. I couldn't function and it took over my life. I'm getting back to where I was before. But it's a long process.

I'm having a tough time since I lost my crew/job/step father/ had a kid and had to move and etc. I won't go into details, it lead me to a few bad decisions( soon maybe legal) that I'd obviously be ridiculed here for, its related to failing to be upstanding and being opportunistic.  I am not suicidal, but I also fail to see my future, I feel that I'm not worthy. I feel my problems are minor compared to some of yours, But however my mind will just never shut off and I am indeed my own worst enemy. Sometimes I think I'll be dead soon if I don't have someone to talk to.

I probably won't come back here( this thread) because my mind sometimes doesn't want to, so I avoid the whole internet when I spout off when I'm in thought( or lit) and avoid the responses.

But I realize we are all human and someone cares somewhere even thou I no longer care for myself.

I feel you man. That's why I disappeared a few times before on here. Just know there's no judgement from me. I hit rock bottom bro. As long as you're not a pedo or anything like that, you get no judgement from me.

I listened to that book a few months ago.  It is absolutely fantastic and really helped me change my outlook and perspectives on a lot of things in life.  Good for you putting in the work!

I ordered a Malcolm Gladwell book the other day call "Outliers". (Really looking forward to 'Talking to Strangers' but that's not out yet) I spent a week without reading for a few reasons. Mainly I couldn't find another book right away that I really wanted to read. But I think my thought process has been influenced in a positive way with these books. I'm no psychologist but with all the new information I we input into our brains we sort of rewired the pathways to our brain. I think Anthony Robbins called it NLP. But going back my ex is still on my mind but it's more of realizing not only logically but emotionally how much of a garbage human being she is. If she was a client or a coworker I would have seen right through her lies but because I loved her I did mental gymnastics to convince myself that she was still a decent person. (I know everyone's sick of hearing me talk about her, lol)
A few weeks back logically I knew that she was toxic. But I didn't feel it, if that makes sense.
Now I know it and I feel it.
And honestly, yeah sitting alone on a Saturday night sucks but it's not worth it. It's not worth being treated like shit, just because I want someone to cuddle up on a couch and joke around with. She's more screwed up than me. Maybe in another few weeks I'll have the courage to tell a story that you guys are going to stay "DUDE RUN FARRRRRRRRR AWAY FROM THAT CHICK!!", lol. It's still a little embarrassing that I even put up with all the lies and bullshit.
Anyways enough about me and the ex for a bit, lol.
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Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.

When we spend all day inside our own heads we're in this perpetual cycle of feeding our demons exactly what they want. We need to feed our heads with the thoughts that will make us succeed and do better.
Podcasts, books, videos...whatever. We become who we associate ourselves with. But in this age of technology I believe that if we want to become more like a person listen to them speak in a video or a podcast. Listen to someone else who is really successful in the field. Either consciously or subconsciously you'll start to pick up on how the act, their habits, thought processes and decision making skills.

This is my first post obviously but I’ve been reading here a long time.  I cane here last night in a really dark place to post “someone please help me”. Without reading anything in this thread that I had previously ignored. I just read the last few posts but the one above resonated with me because I can relate to it so much. I don’t know if things will work out how I want them to now or if things will work out some other way that though I might not think so would be better for me long term.  The gist is my wife of five years is leaving me and I am having a really hard time dealing with the fact that it’s mostly my own fault and that I pushed her away, then took the fallen wreckage of our relationship and burned it to the ground out of anger and grief to the point that I don’t think there’s any coming back from this together. It would be really helpful to talk privately with others that have been in a similar situation and get their thoughts on what’s best and likliehood of repairing the damage I’ve done. Basically from her perspective I betrayed and left her right when she’s the most vulnerable and stressed due to life changes  and from my perspective I acted how I did because I was feeling abandoned and like she had already left me... it’s just a mess of misunderstandings, trust issues, lack of communication and recently no time together due to schedules. I’m feeling much better today and not thinking of doing anything stupid or anything, but really would like opinions from people that have been here before. Thanks everyone.

I'm not one that can really help but you have chosen the right place to ask.  Many insightful people here!

@EdAvilaSr @GreasyEasy

My ear is always open friend, however I don't have much experience dealing with relationship/martial problems.  I'm sure someone here can give you great firsthand advice about your specific situation, and if not perhaps you can seek the help from a professional marriage therapist.    I know some churches have programs that deal with these specific problems as well that might be worth looking into.

Hopefully somebody will come along a bit more expierenced with these subjects than myself, but again I'm happy to talk if you need somebody asap.

Thank you @greasyeasy I appreciate that. I’ve got a couple good friends that are keeping me occupied but none have ever gone through this before. I’ve had similar experiences in the past but nothing this hard. When you feel like “the one” is gone and it’s all your fault it’s hard to not get into despair.
I’m not religious and haven’t been to church in over twenty years until yesterday, I reached out to a pastor I met recently at a funeral that struck me as very nice and he talked with me at length and is referring me to someone that can help. Unfortunately I tried to communicate with her in a way that was suggested and it blew up in my face because she was not receptive and did t want to hear it and wanted me to leave her alone and I reacted extremely poorly and made things far worse...

Grey, I wish you the best.  I am not a religious person either but you should pursue that road.  Work with that pastor.  Along with a professional counselor.

IM sent thank you

I'm glad you reached out man. There will be people coming to your support. Some really great people in this thread.

I don't even know if this is the right place to post, not suicidal or anything so don't get all worried

Last few weeks have been hard, my job has driven me nuts in the pay Department, the thing that would make it worse if a family member or my husband was sick and dying, at least there's light at the end of home finances, but considering my job I do have to admit that I have sort of dug my own Hole by being in a "unique" position, I make 18 an hour on hourly pay scale, doing what I do means I am as underpaid as a peasant, but to my horror, in my conglomerate I still make per week more than some of the flat rates do, one of them I believe is even a direct coworker, how tragic, I'm poking my head in the door of other shops, but, most look just as grim.

I gave everything up like Siddhartha and Laozi when on the terms of humanity, with this Clarity the pain is ever more clear, all I see is weeping Buddha's and I am an insufficient cold comforting hand

My life is a dark wave song, I live so I can suffer, only then do I know why I'm alive, the strange part is.

I somehow enjoy it.

If you want to make things right, and you are owning up to your side of things, I’ve found the two most impactful words are often, “I’m sorry”.

Feel free to shoot me an IM if you need to chat.

Hey thanks, yeah I am certainly owning my mistakes and realize this is mostly my fault and I started it. Unfortunately when I tried to apologize in the moment she wasn’t receptive and didn’t want to hear it. I’m going to give her all the space she needs and try again with the apology when she’s in a better place and ready to hear if not accept it.

You are enlightened.

You know your burdens and why you carry them.   This knowledge alone makes you stronger.

I know I was in a dark place and having a hard time at life and luckily the Tennessee HTF was there. They didn't know I was having problems but I met up with some for a local shoot and camping trip for a weekend.  I have had some bad stretches since but I come here and just look around to get my mind off of everything. I'm just thankful I found ARFCOM originally because those guys and gals at our hometown shoot really helped me out.

Thank you to all the men and women of ARFCOM especially those from Tennessee, the Patron State of Shooting Stuff.

Gettin old watching friends and family die

My go-to-weddings suit turned into my go-to-funerals suit. I gave my suit to Goodwill after my parents' funerals. Next funeral I go to will be my own.

I wish there was a way team members could post in this thread (and this thread only) anonymously; obviously staff / mods would know if intervention was needed. Some good people here don’t like admitting their demons / shortcomings and an ability for privacy may help with this.

Communicating via IM is done on a regular basis.

ETA And by phone. You'd be surprised at how many phone calls are made.

I went for my follow up one week after my TIPS, everything seems to be going well. I got a call from my transplant coordinator in Pittsburgh today, they listed me this morning!

Sometimes the sun shines in.

Keep those chins up guys!

That's AMAZING friend!  In your case, you forced the sun to shine.  Keep on inspiring, and getting well brother.

Thanks, I still got a long way to go to get there.

Ya, but seeing the finish; the result you need to accomplish is such a big huge step.

So many people get bogged down and lose hope because they can't,  or don't want to visualize where they need to get to; they get wrapped around the axle on the huge, daunting tasks they need to do in sequence.

It may sound trite, but it don't get done but one step at a time. Even 2 steps foreward and one back...

is still one step further.

The tl;dr

A good friend and former boss took his own life this weekend. I just found out.

We both fight depression. It got him.

I never really know what to say when I read something like this. I'm sorry for your loss.

Really hate to hear that, and I'm sorry about the loss of your friend brother.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day
This video from Katee Sackhoff popped up in my video suggestions.

Hmm.  When I get depressed at yet another evening of being screamed at I stop taking my heart meds--it's like, "why bother?" "What's the point."  Then the pain kicks in.  Then you take them .  Then you get screamed at. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I hate to hear that friend, as I know what you do for a living, and know how that wears a person down both physically, and mentally.   My sister is a surgeon, and it's certainly not the "glamorous" job I grew up thinking it was.

It takes a very special person to commit their life to helping heal others, and by in large oddly it's a thankless job when compared to all the negativity one faces during the job it seems.  Long hours, stressful work conditions, and many times thankless or unnoticing patients, and bosses.

I don't know you well, but having respected your posts since I've been a member, I know for a fact that you've served your fellow man in multiple capacities thus far in life, so perhaps it's time to just take care of yourself.  We all need to disconnect sometimes, and just be selfish for a time in order to fulfill our own needs, and desires.   You have to remember to put yourself first, and in this case your mental well being first, over any patients, or boss.

Stay strong brother, and if you need someone to talk with I'm always around.

Yeah. I tend to focus on my failures most recently. Every guy I failed to bring home in OIF/OEF weighs on me pretty hard. You walk the halls all night long blaming yourself. Right? If only. If only if I was better at my job. If only I had more stuff to work with.

The opposite of that is imagine if you weren't there, and those patients never got a Doctor who truly cared, and tried as hard as I know you did to save their lives.

Some people just can't be saved, and for those people we should all be so lucky to have a Doctor such as you who truly cares, and gives 100% effort.

You got to remember that you could always have chosen the lesser noble path, but instead you stepped up to help your fellow man in their greatest time of need.  I know it's hard, but you should take immense pride in that fact, and realize that the value you bring to this world is real, tangible, and you would be greatly missed by so many past, and future people should you depart this world.

Except, in the end, it all turns out to be completely and utterly worthless.

FIFY

I've never been through what you have. My entire adult life my demons came from within in the form of depression. I worked hard to do well at everything I set my mind to just to follow up with punishing myself over my own shortcomings. I think it became the only thing I was truly good at.

Many (many) years ago when I was in college I worked as a free-lance sign painter. It required a lot of skill but not everything was done blindly by free hand. I would lay out a lightly chalked pattern on a store front glass window which provided a template for my efforts.

I would then paint the inside glass, reverse lettering, so it appeared readable from the outside. People walked by and stopped to watch me work. It made me very self-conscious. Sometimes someone would pop inside to tell me how amazed they were by my ability. I would thank them but shrug it off afterwards.

How in the hell could they think I was doing a good job? From the outside looking in, they obviously weren't seeing the faded chalk outline. They didn't see the f'ked up serifs in the lettering, the shaky brush strokes. They stood on the opposite side of a window, placed me on display - on a pedestal, so to speak, and I couldn't understand why. As I continued to work, the attention made me feel even more inadequate and I raised my own expectations even higher.

I got paid for my work, often along with "Excellent job!" from the manager/proprietor. I went on to the next job feeling like I should have given them a discount for what I considered substandard work, despite my knowing I did everything to the absolute best of my ability. Ironically, the way they reacted, it was as if I had already given them a bargain. I was placing a lower value, emotionally, on my own talent and labor than the people I was providing services for. But why?

Fast forward...

Last year, in my current career, I had to accompany the body of a deceased military veteran who passed away peacefully in the hospital I work at. I simply make sure the body is escorted safely and securely from the room to the basement and on to the funeral home hearse which was waiting outside.

Usually this is done by myself and other staff only, but this time the son wanted to see his father off and so walked with us. I carried the morgue log book and was in my uniform. I held the book purposefully cradled in my left hand/arm and walked ahead of the gurney, making crisp, professional movements as we navigated the basement corridors. I held the door open almost at attention and assisted (though I didn't have to) in placing the body into the hearse.

The son turned to me with a sad but proud expression and gave me the most sincere "Thank you!"
In a way, all I was doing was just putting on a show. Nothing I could have done - before, during, or after - was going to bring his father back but it made all the difference to the son in providing closure to what is inevitable to us all.

Most importantly, I expected myself to be as professional and respectful as I could. (I did not expect the son to respond favorably as such situations can sometimes be unpredictable that way). I'm glad he did, but I had no control over that. One's good intentions are not always received favorably, depending on the person and circumstances.

I've accepted that I have no control over lots of things and that success is not always guaranteed by outcomes, either way. When I see all my flaws and failings, others see perfection. When I do everything "right" it could be construed as exaggeration and insincerity. I gauge and set my expectations accordingly along with help for my depression.

So sometimes I feel hopeless, but everything still has worth.

Nevermind.

Sorry for your loss @crashburnrepeat. Sometimes our minds are our own worst enemy.  
If you need someone to talk to I'm in SL County.

No no no, doc. Marines and sailors everywhere, and the families whos young men you saved and tried to save, thank God (or appreciate greatly, for the non believers) you served.

You did something very few can or would want to do, and your sacrifice followed you home.

Have you written a memoir or autobiography?

The desire of the soul is to serve.
You have fulfilled that to a degree most all can never dream of.

I've always respected your insight, intelligence and integrity here.
I'm sorry to see you are having troubles.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Talk to someone.

Doc,

You’ve got to focus on all of those who are home, healthy and happy because of the amazing work you and others did for them. Remember the smiles of those young men when they were headed home.

No one is perfect and every life can’t be saved, but the worth of the lives saved is in no way diminished by those lives lost. I guarantee you the young men you saved are grateful you were there. I am also absolutely certain those lost are every bit as grateful for the effort you made on their behalf.

Bob

There is not a lot of structure to this more a verbal vomit.

First off I want to thank everyone involved with this thread. You have helped me over the last few days even though I never reached out here. Just reading the words of encouragement to others really gave me strength to keep going.

My wife of 4 years informed me on Friday that she wanted a divorce. This is after she scheduled us couples counseling and backed out. I am devastated. To me this came out of nowhere. I guess she has been hurting the last couple of years because I’m not really the partner that I should have been. I never raised my voice to her, never raised my hand to her. Really it’s because we never do much of anything together. We work different schedules, I’m on days and she’s on evenings. But that’s really not an excuse. Whatever free time we had together i pissed away drinking or taking care of myself and not taking care of our needs.

Friday night I slept on the couch and then went to work Saturday morning on my day off to try and take my mind off it. I couldn’t concentrate and decided that me being at work was unsafe for me and those around me. I came back home, my wife was awake so I tried to talk to her again. Asking her if this is really what she wants. Is this really how she wants to end this. We have a 10 month old daughter and 3 dogs and a house.

She’s heard it all from me before. I can change. I can do better. But I never really do. I grew too complacent and too comfortable with me and I stopped developing, stopped challenging myself.

After pleading with her to reconsider she dropped the bombshell on me. That she had met someone else and had feelings for them. Not that anything has happened. Yeah right. Like I should take some comfort from that. Doesn’t matter whether or not it’s physical. You’re reaching out to someone else when you should be reaching out to me. It broke my heart. I packed a bag and left. She wants to keep this as amicable as possible. She wants nothing from me. 50-50 split on the child and she would like to refinance and keep the house.

I’m staying at my parents house while I’m in the process of moving out of mine. She wants the house because it’s set up perfectly for the dogs and the kid. And realistically she can have it.

Saturday night I got drunk. Just the typical bravado of a guy who just got dumped. Yeah fuck that bitch I’m better off without her. Sunday I went out and picked up more beer. I was going to have a two day pity party and then get my life back on track. But I ended up not drinking. I started thinking what if she calls and wants me to come home?  What if something happened to my kid and I can’t race to be with her?  I got to thinking that this shit has ruined my life, and I don’t need it anymore. I dumped it all down the drain. Haven’t had a drop or really thought about it in the last four days.

Sunday night I was trying to figure out how I was going to kill myself. My sober ass was lying in bed.  In the dark  and the walls were closing in. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to cope. Didn’t know who to talk to. I remembered this thread. So I came here and started reading other people’s stories.

Eventually I read a post by @HALFNATTYGAINZ about a book he read, Can’t Hurt Me. So I said fuck it at this point what do I have to lose. Downloaded it and started reading.  Holy shit, talk about reading exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, and in a way I could understand. Simple as that. How fucking unreal is that.

I read the book in a day and am in the process of reading it again. Taking my time and doing the challenges in it.  That’s where I came to the realization that I just stopped pushing myself. I stopped putting myself out there. And that’s why my marriage fell apart. Honestly everyone, I’m trying to put my marriage back together.  I think we can work through this.  I have support from my family as well as members of her’s. Even though my wife backed out of counseling. I still went for myself. And I scheduled another appointment that I’m going to invite her to. I’m not ready to give up on us and I am ready to change and challenge who I am and how I deal with myself on a daily basis.

As I type this out my 10 month old is lying sleeping next to me. If I had given up on Sunday I wouldn’t be here with her now. If things don’t work out with her mom and me that’s ok. I think I’ve finally come to grips with that. But I’m going to be stronger and better for my daughter. There is still a lot of work to do. A lot of hurt to heal.

To everyone else out there, you’re not alone. And shit probably won’t be better today, or tomorrow, but I’m holding out hope that someday it will. Thanks guys.

Why do you think she will go to another counseling session with you?

I don’t know that she will. And really that’s up to her. I’m going to keep going for me. Because at this point me being mentally and spiritually on point is what’s important. The only reason I even bring it up is if we’re not going to try and be partners we can at least try to better communicate so we can be on the same page as parents.