[green][b]USMC[/b][/green] = [b]U[/b]ncle [b]S[/b]am's [b]M[/b]isguided [b]C[/b]hildren
[green][b]US ARMY[/b][/green] = [b]U[/b]ncle [b]S[/b]am [b]A[/b]in't [b]R[/b]eleased [b]M[/b]e [b]Y[/b]et
[blue][b]NAVY[/b][/blue] = [b]N[/b]ever [b]A[/b]gain [b]V[/b]olunteer [b]Y[/b]ourself
[blue][b]USAF[/b][/blue] = [b]U[/b]ncle [b]S[/b]am's [b]A[/b]irhead [b]F[/b]ollowers


What does the Marines and the gay population have in common?
They're both looking for a few good men.

What sea creature spreads ink and fucks up all MARINE life?
Squid

What sound does shit makes when it hits the fan?
MAARRRRIIIIINNNNE


A Navy Ensign and an Army Lt. were peeing together. They got done and the Army Lt. proceed to wash his hand while the Navy Ensign begins to exit the restroom. The Army Lt. barks at the Navy Ensign, [i]"Hey Sailor!! At West Point they taught us to wash our hand after taking a piss."[/i] The Navy Ensign retorts back, [i]"At Annapolis they teach us not to pee on our hands."[/i] and exits the restroom.

When I was in electronics school at 29 Palms in 1990, I got a really bad stomach virus. I was running from both ends for most of the weekend, and couldn't keep anything down or in me. Finally, Monday morning, I let my roommate pretty much carry me to the Battalion Aid Station.

A Corpsman there, HM2 Clark, took one look at me and got me right into an exam room, bypassing a room full of folks there for scheduled sick call. He took my BP and found that I was really dehydrated, so he put an IV in each arm. The solution he was pumping into me was fresh from the refrigerator, and I started shivering as it went into me. He piled blankets on me and sat and talked to me while the juice dripped in.

After a couple of minutes I realized that I had to get to the head --quickly. I told Doc Clark this and he asked if I had to go right then. When I told him that I definitely did, he took the two IV bags off the stand and walked me to the head. He held my IV bags while I sat in the head taking care of business.

Doc Clark was the man.

We were on active duty as guardsmen.
My bud was pissed about the screwing we were getting from the actives (our officers got caught doing things, so we troopies became the actives slaves)
He went all the way, no hat, pulled the front of his blouse over the gun belt, no shoe polish for weeks on his boots, the whole thing. We were all drinking in uniform in the barracks after out mid shifts and not ironing or washing them. (pissed off troops are okay, troops who know they are singled out for screwing becasue they swore an oath to serve that state as well as the nation is a real leadership problem)
Some officer stopped him and started a chewing out, mild, which included things like 'how can you look this way?'
He stopped the O and replied that it was okay, because he was in the guard.
The officer shut up, and then told him he should still try a little, before leaving.

Anecdote I read:

When I was in the Phillipines I knew a girl who would say "Marine never take shower, Sailor never take shit".  I asked her what that was supposed to mean and she told me Marines always stink and Sailors are always fat.

Another one I read...

SECRET PENTAGON REPORT LEAKED TO WNN:

According to a highly classified document leaked to the Wuzzagrunt News Network, Navy officials have been developing plans to float a new class of aircraft carrier.

The new carriers will be large enough to launch and retrieve the largest military aircraft--including, B-52's and C-5's

Once the new carriers are placed in service, the plan calls for the Navy to absorb the United States Air Force.

The first of the new "Super Carriers" is expected to be commissioned as the "USS Hilary Clinton"--reportedly, due to it's unusually wide fantail. The new ship is scheduled for a shakedown cruise in 2006.

According to the report, the Navy expects to pay for the project by selling off the enormously expensive coffee machines now installed on USAF aircraft. Additional cost savings will be realized by cancelling the replacement contract for the "in-flight coffe bars". Coffee equipment is routinely replaced by the Air Force when the filters get dirty.

An unamed source in the in the Navy Chief of Staff's office confided that: "We may have to close some of the world class O' Clubs now operated by the AF but, there's a great deal of resistance to that idea within the Navy. We'll probably have enough left over to fund the developement of the Osprey", he said.

Master Sergent Rtmsgt (who asked to remain anonymous) said: "I blame this on the younger generation. Todays recruits just can't be trained to make a decent cappucino. In my day we knew what a dammed 'dusting of cinnamon' was. What the hell, we already do that port and starbord thingy".

What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the US Army? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

USS Hillary Clinton?

...finally, a good reason for a mutiny.

I was a Navy guy stationed on a Marine base, MCAS El Toro. I would sometimes go for weeks without getting a haircut and got away with it cause the Marines just taught Navy guys' hair is supposed to be long and uniforms go un ironed. Summer Creases - sum er here and sum er there.

I went to the outside plant cable splicing school at Sheppard Air Force Base in August of 1991. For the first two months, they had me billeted in a barracks with a bunch of Airmen who were right out of bootcamp, while I was a Lance Corporal and had well over a year in. It was a pretty good life: the rooms were huge, I had only one roommate (another Marine) instead of three, and there was a nice, air conditioned day room downstairs with a big screen, cable-hooked-up TV.

My school day was from 0600 to 1200, so I got back to the barracks when it was mostly empty, all the Airmen being in their airframes classes until 1600. I came in from welding lead-sheathed cable enclosures in the North Texas August heat, so I was soaked and beat. I sat down in the empty darkened dayroom with MTV on low volume, put my feet on the bottom crossbar of the chair in front of me, and dropped off to sleep.

I shot awake when someone shouted, "Get your fucking feet off the fucking furniture!!" I jumped to my feet thinking this had to be the CO since I outranked nearly everyone else in the building. It turned out to be an Airman Basic, E-1, with a little piece of green braid safety-pinned to his shoulder. The "green rope" meant that he was in charge of one wing of one floor of the building. He happened to see me asleep and decided that I needed to be squared away.

I put my finger in this idiot's face, locked him at the POA and began to eat him up one side and down the other. I used phrases like "still shitting boot camp chow" and "disrespecting a senior member of another service." I finished off by threatening to find him if I ever heard of him breaking bad with another Marine, and stuffing that silly rope up his ass.

When I turned to walk out, I found that I had an audience: The CO and a Master Sergeant were watching with smiles on their faces. I walked by with a "Good afternoon, gentlemen," and headed on up to my hooch.

So true!! Since now we have womenz on ALL ships. [;)] Many moons ago they were only restricted to ship tenders, but now they are all over the place. Its funny to go to the ships store and find tampons. I still laugh about that.

When I was stationed on Okinawa a friend I went to school with arrived at Camp Hansen.  I picked him up one Saturday and as we were driving through Kadena AB (where I was stationed) we passed the golf course.  He remarked that marines felt being in the AF was like being on a golf course.  I replied that what the marines did was very different from what we did.  A marine faces a much greater physical challenge, while most AF jobs are technical.  I then asked if he knew what we thought of most marines: Not smart enough to get in the AF.  We agreed to discuss different things after that.

Eddie

Or, "The Boy Scouts are taught PROPER marksmanship".  [:D]

79-83 USAF. I got no complaints and I appreciate all who served no matter what branch. I have huge respect for all military men and women because I know the sacrifice that they make. Now those pogey bait squids.........

I have a couple

The only good Marine is a Submarine...

There are only two types of ships in the Navy, Submarines and targets....

Probably couldnt tell I rode a submarine could ya?

Never could bring myself to get into something that was both designed to sink AND was built by the lowest bidder.

Nope - Surface Navy all the way!

Yeah, but I never once picked up a mop, or swab as you skimmers might say.....

At an un-named US Army installation in the Northeast in the late 1980s...

Each of the major branches of service maintained training facilities for intelligence personnel. Certain folks were trained at a naval installation in Florida. Some trained at an Air Force base in West Texas. Others trained at numerous Army posts, since theArmy provides the bulk of Intel folks to the various national security components of the armed forces. The US Marine Corps had a small detachment at the post that Marine personnel undergoing training at the facility were assigned to. It had a small permanent cadre and was led by a Captain. The Marines left there colors posted outside of the detachment headquarters one night. Of course, they were "liberated" by some drunken classmates of mine.

About two weeks of shakedowns, searches and screaming jags by the Marine Captain followed. All of this was made worse by the occasional "hostage" polaroids of the flag that showed up at MPI and the Marine Det's offices. he whole thing became a running joke, and the SF Group helped out. There was a lot of suspicion on our barracks, and the guys finally returned the flag anonymously because the shakedowns were interfering with our wilder parties. During one of the screaming sessions by the Marine Captain at a company formation, our CO intervened and told the Marine that this was his fault anyway, and if his guys had practiced better security, this would not have happened.

BTW, if there are any members of the 1st Ranger BN from early 1992 here, I would also like to apologize for the Mohawk incident. I wasn't responsible for it, but I was responsible for getting it blamed on your unit (I was the only sober one and handled the cover-up). Sorry about all the mess that happened afterwards, but it was better (at the time) than my unit taking the heat.

woop-kaydet; gray inmate of that isolated government institution which overlooks the hudson (USMA for those that went there)

zoomie-Air Force Cadet; one of our collegiate buddies who lives at the government play school in Colorado Springs and wears a blue bus driver cap

puddle pirate-USCG

BEAT ARMY!
USNA 2005

we're at CAX, its hotter than satans nutsack and we're sitting in front of a fan in the com shack at Camp Wilson. directly across from us was the AGSOC (better known as the head-shed or brass bunker) Lance Corporal dumbass comes up to us and says he needs a radio to talk to aircraft with. without even cracking a smile an on the ball corporal says
  "what you need is a PRC-E7 with a line of site antennae...run over to the AGSOC and tell them you heard they got a prick E-7 with a donkey dick in there and you want to see it"
about 5 minutes later we heard a commotion and an uproar that sounded like a PI squadbay during the "pick-up" for kid got marched over by the SgtMjr and had to point out who told him. we got a good chewing and the corporal had to doubletime the radio out to the airfield while the LCpl drove back but it was worth it.

You forgot about asking the OOD for the keys to the sea chest, and geting sent to Engineering for some relative bearing grease.

There was also a story about a SA on a CG cutter being told to put on a foil firefighting suit and stand in the foc'sle and move his arms around to 'tune the RADAR'...

I don't remember exactly how this one goes, but its something like this
-----------------------------------------

There is a little boy about 8 years old in an airport with his parents, and he tells his dad that he has to go to the bathroom.  So his dad takes him to the men’s room, and waits outside while the kid goes in and takes care of business.  

While he is in taking a piss a marine walks in.  The kid is excited, and asks “Are you a real marine?”  

The marine reply’s “Yes I am.  Would you like to wear my hat?”  The boy says he would, so the marine gives the boy his hat, and leaves.

Next a Navy Seal walks in.  The boy is excited again and asks “Are you a real Navy seal?”.  

The Seal replies, “Yes I am.  Would you like to see something cool?”  Sure says the boy, so the Seal walks over, takes off the marines hat and gives the boy his hat and leaves.  The kid thinks this is the best day ever, because he has met a real Marine and Navy Seal.

Next an Army Ranger walks in.  The boy stands there wide eyed and asks “Are you a real Ranger?”.

The ranger replies “Yes I am.  Would you like to like to see something cool?”  Sure says the boy, so the ranger unzips his pants.

Then the  boy says “Wait a minute mister, I’m not really in the navy.  I’m just wearing the hat!”

I was in the Coast Guard, and my dad, who was in the navy, told me he thought I had to be 6' tall, so I could wade ashore when my boat sank.

Natez- Ft Devens right?
Which school where you in? (I taught 33Q for awhile back in 85.)
I remember one night down at the Disco devens
(The snack bar by D Company) a bunch of Drunk
students got into a near riot with the engineer
Unit.  A Bunch of the students where pushing around the MP's (Young ones) when a fellow Belin Vet that was an MP showed up in his car.
He stepped out locked and loaded his shotgun
(Cachunk!) and to say the least end of riot!

F8-Just passing through with an 8-week prep for Charlie work in the woods.

So I am in the Corps, and in a DASC (Direct Air Support) crew, talking to planes and helos, and taking requests from ground units, sort of like the order girl at the pizza place, only we would tell the drivers how to get there.
We were in Thailand, and I was still a low ranking lance. We brought the small unit to this Corba Gold, which was a mistake because we did a 100 helo lift and prep and the whole bit, plus we had to work it with the Thai jump...it was just a mess and we needed the bigger system...
Anyway, on one of the nights our crew got stuck at Utapo instead of drinking in Payatta, we were taking one man shifts and let the com guy sleep in his rack cause there were only a few flights all night on the frag (aircraft schedule).
Our "crew chief" was a corporal who just got in from cali, he never did shit in the system, never did any night watch at all. We figured he was lazy like the our LT, who was whoring the whole time. (it was odd to only have one zero on crew) So this E4 never really did anything in the daytime either, but we didn't put two and two together.
So one night there ae are, taking 4 hour solo shifts and looking at F___ books all night.
Next day the E4 sees the books and freaks about an hour later claiming someone beat off in the system and threw it in the trash.

Bart and I are like "WTF?" and looking at each other, and looking at the E4, who is claiming he can smell it. Bart looses it because this guy is sniffing cum, then we figure out he was talking about 'monkey cum', the cleaner which we used to clean off the cool looking back lit status and plotting boards to get the gee-wiz neon colored grease pencil off.
He had never actually been in the system and didn't know crap about running a DASC at all. He had spent 3 years in cali doing all kinds of side jobs and had never done any actual 7242 time.

side note--He was never on ship either, to freak about jerking off, because the only guys who spank more than sailors are Marines on ship. Ya just ignore it as long as the guy is being covert about it in the crapper or the rack

So we know we got a dumb ass there.
Then things go down hill. The LT is a ring knocker but is almost as bad as the CC, even though he had been in the unit as long as I was and should have been good. (we figured out later that they must have put him on the Utapo crew because it was small so we could carry him and he could get SAD--senior system officer--time without having to be good)
The LT screws up by the numbers, and he and the E4 go to the bosses and try to put it on me and Bart. The biggy that got everyone going was when he cleared some 18s under a Thai unit jumping-- the Thais though it was good training. He blamed us.
The bosses were on us like stink on crap, when the SNCOIC, an E9 who had been in the airborn DASC at eagle pull, jumps in and asks us what's up. We tell him, and show him the logs to prove what we are saying (LT and CC didn't keep any)
LT gets one of a string of write ups (one of the string was for catching the clap)

Lesson: The ring stuff only gets you so far. The academy guys will only cover for so long. Also, being an NCO in the end of your first term don't know you can perform your MOS.

what?

Here's my favorite (brace yourselves, Jarheads):

A little boy walks into a bar one afternoon, and asks for a glass of water.  The bartender gives him one.  Just then, the boy notices a sailor seated at the bar.

"Wow, are you a real sailor?" the little boy asks.
"Sure am." replies the sailor.  "Would you like to wear my hat?"
"Gee thanks, sailor." and the little boy takes the hat and runs around the bar for 15 minutes playing sailor.

He returns the hat to the sailor and gets another drink of water.  Just then, an airman walks into the bar.

"Wow, are you really in the Air Force?" asks the little boy.
"You bet, would you like to wear my hat"?
"Gee, thanks, mister" and the little boy runs off flapping his arms for 15 minutes.

The little boy returns the hat and gets another drink of water.  Just then, a marine walks into the bar.

"Wow, are you really a marine?"
"That I am, son.  Would you like to wear my hat." replies the marine, very proudly.
"Alllright!" says the boy, and he runs off to play marine.

After drinking all that water, the boy has to pee.  He walks into the restroom and sees a clearly drunk and dishevled Army Ranger barely standing at the urinal.

"Wow!  A real Army Ranger!  Can I wear your hat?"

The drunk and unsteady Ranger squints his eyes, looks at the boy and says, "Hey, kid, SUCK MY DICK."
And the little boy says ...
"Oh, I'm not a real Marine.  I'm just wearing his hat!"

Question: Why are Marines stationed on Navy ships?
Answer: Sheep would be too obvious.


How do you know you're in the rear area?
There's ships.




Seebees, we build, we fight

For us Airwingers we used to send guys for a

100yds of flight line.

The keys to the F/A 18

and of course the ole mail bouy watch.

So an Army General, Navy Admiral, and the Marine General are all walking together and bragging about their services.

The Army General says to the two others-
"My men are the bravest in the US Forces, watch this!"

He yells to a tank commander- "Hey Soldier! Go over there and take that hill!!!!"
He says "Yes sir!" Salutes and sure enough, he drives up the hill and is blown up by an RPG.

"Now that took balls!!!" He says to the others.

"Oh yeah?" Says the Marine. "Watch this!"
"Hey you Jarhead!! Go and capture that beachhead!!!"
The Jarhead gives a sharp Salute, said "Yes Sir!" and is mowed down by machine gun fire as he wades through the surf.
"Now that took balls!!!" He says to the other two.

The Admiral says "That was nothin', guys. Watch this." He calles up to a Sailor in the crows nest of a battleship, "Hey sailor! See that island over there? Blow it to smitherines!!!"

The sailor takes the joint out of his mouth, and says "Fuck you, sir!!"

The proud Admiral looks at the other two, and says "Now THAT took balls!!!"

Ah, yes......in the Artillery, it was a box of grid squares, the rubber lanyard, track shoe laces, and yes........"projectile wax."

Hey Lordtrader when you guys were washin your birds was anyone ever sent after a bucket of jet wash? Then there was always the good ole send the new guy to ask the Master Chief for an "I-D-10-T" form. BTW i was in VFA-132 outta Cecil.

Definition of "Secure a building"

USMC - attack and destroy it

USA - set a perimiter and post guards

USN - turn off the lights and lock the doors

USAF - sign a 3yr lease with option to buy

That is funny and sad.

Funny cause there's truth in it.
Sad cause there's truth in it.

Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

...It takes longer to pick up

The Marine Symbol actually stands for:

A seagull, sitting on a beach ball, with an anchor up his ass, waiting for Navy relief.

Yes, I was in the USN

Yes, I have friends that are Marines

Yes, I tell them this several times a year

bulkhead

That's just soooo wrong

Whats the difference between a Marine and a submarine??
Nothing, sailors go down on both of them!

I tried to join the coast guard, but I wasn't tall enough.  The recruiter said you had to be 1 fathom* tall to walk to shore if your boat sinks.




*and that's six feet for jarheads and the E-4 they tried to pin the grounding on - not that he lost a single stripe!!!!!!!  

SPECIAL FORCES INFORMATION PAPER
PURPOSE: To clarify the misconception in this Headquarters of the difference between Special Forces and Rangers.
The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Aide, who was both Special Forces and Ranger qualified, which unit he would recommend for the proposed assignment to form an anti-terrorist unit. The Aide replied with a parable:

If there was an airplane on the ground which had been siezed and held by terrorist along with its passengers and crew and you sent in an anti-terrorist unit formed of one of these two organizations, what could you expect to happen?

1.  If the Rangers went in, they would send in a Ranger Company of 120 men with standard Army issue equipment. They would insist on running to the site of the incident and the airplane with the terrorists would not leave the site once the unit arrived, even if the Rangers had to climb on the wings to stop it. The terrorist and most of the passengers would be dead and the airplane would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

2.  If the Special Forces unit deployed, it would consist of a 12 man A-Team and due to the exotic nature of their equipment would cost about the same as a Ranger Company to deploy. The team would insist on separate travel orders and each member would get to the site by his own means. At least 1/3rd would insist on 'jumpin in'. The airplane with the terrorist would not take off. the terrorist would all be dead and have left signed confessions, all the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives, and the women passengers would all be pregnant. The airplane would be unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost or have stolen all the equipment issued to them.