My little girl is killing herself. - Page 2

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - My little girl is killing herself. (Page 2 of 2)

Posted: 4/16/2002 10:18:22 PM EDT

[#1]

I too cannot add much. I don't know the rules of such places, but show up and give her as much love and support as she will allow. Given what you did, I'm pretty sure I didn't need to say that.

Try to give her confidence and boost her self esteem. I would tell her every day that she is a beautiful young lady and anyone who says otherwise is jealous, just plain mean and should be treated accordingly.

Posted: 4/16/2002 10:29:59 PM EDT

[#2]

Tough love ain't called tough for nothing, bro. Please keep in mind that a poor girl who's anorexic will say ANYTHING to defend her lack of eating. Saying that kids call her chubby when you can see her ribs is ludicrous & hopefully you can see that sort of logic to perhaps make you feel a bit better.

Don't beat yourself up on having her treated. Imagine if Karen Carpenter's parents could do it all over again, what they would do?

Posted: 4/17/2002 3:23:24 AM EDT

[#3]

You have done what you thought was best. It's never easy been parents. My prayer will be with you and your daughter.

Posted: 4/17/2002 8:52:23 AM EDT

[#4]

Sent this thread to my mom. Here's what she had to say.

Thanks for sharing... I remember when Jen(my sister) was going
there, trying to please Keith (fucking dick). It took lots of love
and one angry mom. Lioness for my babies.

mom

-T.

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:09:24 AM EDT

[#5]

SF. My daughter is 10 and I think about situations like this all the time. You did the right thing. Keep the faith, this will work out.
Tacked because he needs our support.

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:14:36 AM EDT

[#6]

SanityFair,

Please allow me to throw in one more "I think you did the right thing."

Kudos you for recognizing that the problem was over your head and turning it over to professionals.

There is a good chance for recovery if the condition is treated properly.

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:16:40 AM EDT

[#7]

have you told her about what happened to your adopted daughter?

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:32:52 AM EDT

[#8]

Thats right You did the only thing!!!!!

I would like to add one thing.
Can you write down what you feel right now.
And right down how much you love her.
Sometimes thing sink in more when people
write down there thoughts.

I will pray for you.
May God bless you and your own.

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:37:36 AM EDT

[#9]

Quoted:
I have to get this off my chest. There's no one to talk to really.

A few years ago I lost my adopted daughter to anorexia nervosa. She was 5 feet four inches tall and weighed 70 lbs.

A few months ago, my oldest biological daughter, who is fourteen, began to "diet". At first I said nothing. She was drinking a slim fast for breakfast, one for lunch, and was eating a sensible dinner. She was about ten pounds overweight at that time.

She lost those ten pounds and everything was fine.

Then she began to wear baggy clothing. Feed the dog under the table. Measure everything she consumed. And tell us she wasn't hungry at dinnertime. Her health began to get bad. She is always cold, always sniffling, her hair was looking awful. So, having lived through it once and knowing the symptons, I asked her if she had an eating disorder outright. She swore to me she didn't. She said that she's just so into the net lately that she isn't hungry. So, today when she went to school I logged onto her computer to see what she's been doing.

There were pro-anorexia websites. An online diary of hers that details how she starves. How she hides behind baggy clothing. How she carries a weight in her backpack for when she has to get on a scale.

I went to school and got her and took her to the doctor. He said she's "dangerously" thin. She is clinically malnourished.

And she still says that she is "fat". She said the kids at school call her "lard ass" and "chubs". And that she would rather die than be fat anymore. She weighs 93 lbs. And she's 5'5.

Tonight, after pulling a few strings and calling in a few favors, I said goodbye to her and signed the papers for her to be institutionalized. And I feel like for it. She told me she d me. That she would in the hospital. That I was a bad father. That she wished I would die on the way home.

I just want her to be okay.

*I* just want to be okay, but I can't deal with this. Why are my kids themselves just to be skinny? They were never fat to begin with and I've always taught them that it's what is INSIDE that counts. God, I cant' deal with this.

View Quote

take her to the gym to build muscle and then teach her how to beat the crap out of people who tell her she is fat. i will also pray for her health. keep in mind, fighting is the solution.

Posted: 4/17/2002 11:57:39 AM EDT

[#10]

That's rough, Sanity; I'm sorry to hear it. Good luck.

Posted: 4/17/2002 12:08:27 PM EDT

[#11]

Sanity,

You, your daughter, and the rest of your family are in my thoughts. You did the right thing and I wish you well.

-Chimborazo

Posted: 4/17/2002 12:37:26 PM EDT

[#12]

My wife was reading this and this is what she thought:

You daughter is obviously crying out for attention and help. To a certain degree she knows what she is doing because she was viewing the anorexia web sites. She also knows how your first daughter died also. I certainly hope she is in the hospital for eating disorders, that is crucial. A hospital that treats eating disorders will help BUT a hospital that treats ONLY psychological disorders will only make it worse.

Posted: 4/17/2002 1:23:26 PM EDT

[#13]

You've done the right thing. My prayers are with you. By the way, my wife is 5'-6" and weighs 113#. She gets nervous if she "breaks" 115#. I myself do not understand why some women think they are fat when they borderline undernourished.

Posted: 4/17/2002 1:58:10 PM EDT

[#14]

better for her to be alive and angry, than for her to be dead and blaming yourself for doing nothing. you obviously care for her. good luck.

Posted: 4/17/2002 2:26:59 PM EDT

[#15]

stuff like this really pisses me off. WTF is wrong with our society? Does anyone have any idea why or how this whole fad got started? Did women always starved themselves? I doubt this was the case through history, so how did this get started? There are people all over the world who don't even have enough to eat, I'm sure they'd love to trade places with these anorexics.

How did we get to this point? We got lard asses like Rosie and then we got anorexics. What's wrong with these people?

Posted: 4/17/2002 4:18:31 PM EDT

[#16]

I wish the best of luck in these tough times for you. I hope that everything will work out in the end for you and your family.

Posted: 4/17/2002 4:29:47 PM EDT

[#17]

My thoughts are with you SanityFair.

My sister is bulimic, she has been fighting it for years. Professional help, family counseling, etc. Sometimes the damn shrinks do more damage than anyone else. Out of all of the ones she has seen, one was very good, but my parents could not afford the $1500 a week it took to go see her.

Be careful, ask for credentials. Don't trust your daughter to just anyone.

Av.

Posted: 4/17/2002 5:38:12 PM EDT

[#18]

Sanity Fair, you did the right thing man. I've got a 14yr old and I'd do the same thing if I were in your shoes. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong and she'll eventually see that your actions were out of love for her.

Posted: 4/17/2002 6:35:58 PM EDT

[#19]

Sanity,

You absolutely did the right thing. Your daughter will thank you one day. I hope that things turn out all right. I hope that she gets proper Psychological assistance in addition to Medical treatment. Anorexia is a serious medical and psychological condition. I see that you are located in Georgia. My wife is a Clinical Psychologist in the Atlanta area. If you would like for her to try to get recommendations on a Psychologist, Clinic, etc. please let me know.

Posted: 4/17/2002 6:53:09 PM EDT

[#20]

I too know you did the right thing.

When things get tough just try to think of the future, of her wedding day when she hugs you and says she loves you. That likely wouldn't happen were it not for your intervention today.

Tough times never last...

Posted: 4/17/2002 8:05:11 PM EDT

[#21]

Sir,

Sometimes I find when I get into a deep and complicated situation as you are in. If I take a deep breath, back up a few steps and look at the basic information available. It helps in viewing what action to take next.
As far as I and everyone else who has half a brain has said. You did what was right for your baby to stay alive. So what if she hates you. She has to be alive to hate you, right? Next time she says she hates you. Just smile and tell her it's OK to hate you, as long as it keeps her alive.
Just keep yourself going by thinking how much she is going to love you when she realize's how to love herself. In a nutshell, I think that is what she needs to learn next.
All of the media puts alot of pressure on the kids to look perfect. Whats funny is all the kids have to do is look at all the adults to see that there are not any perfect people around. Being perfect is a tough job best left to people who can handle the job. I can only think of one person who is qualified right off the top of my head.
Good luck, Sir.

Posted: 4/17/2002 8:57:18 PM EDT

[#22]

As a parent myself of two young boys, I have tried to prepare myself for the difficult task of raising them in today's society. Parents have a duty to intervene in their children's lives at any time and especially when they are making a life threatening mistake. You cannot allow anything to interfere with your commitment to your child's welfare no matter what the cost is. Children are not going to be perfect and making mistakes is a part of growing up, but some mistakes have such a high cost that they cannot be made. You did the right thing and you have to stick with it and hang in there until she is better able to manage her own feelings of self worth.

[size=6]B[/size=6]

Posted: 4/17/2002 9:40:22 PM EDT

[#23]

sanity fair you and your family are in my prayers.

that is perhaps the best i can do.

my daughter is about to turn thirteen in about a week. she's 5'7", has a mensa iq, a loving family and she thinks she's fat. she weighs 178. she has had a doctor tell her she was fat, her grandmother, her aunt and of course some of the girls and boys at school. not everyone in her life, but try telling her that.
yes, my heart goes out to you and yours.

Posted: 4/18/2002 5:48:35 AM EDT

[#24]

What else were you to do, let her starve to death? She is alive to (temporarily) hate you, which will change. I know what it is to have a mentally disturbed child, and that the right thing is usually the hard thing.

Posted: 4/18/2002 6:07:29 AM EDT

[#25]

My friend has been dealing with this for 2 years with his girlfriend. Recently she was purging with a toothbrush and ripped a 1" tear in her throat. After spending time in the mental ward and care units, she is out and doing somewhat OK. She still has these thoughts of staying too thin and always thinks she's fat at 100lbs. She weighs all food and is constantly paranoid.

I just don't understand the thought process here. What is happening inside to bring about this behavour. I never thought much about it until I experienced it through them. It is truly a disease of the mind.

With 3 kids now, I am always fearful of the millions of things that can take them away from you. With all the child deaths this country has been seeing lately, it makes you sick.

My prayers will be with you and your daughter. You did the right thing. It's up to her to become better. It's up to the doctors to figure this out and try and correct why it is happening.

Posted: 4/18/2002 6:10:46 AM EDT

[#26]

I don't know much about your daughters problem but all I can say is love and support her. My thoughts are with her and your entire family in your time of need
Take Care

Posted: 4/18/2002 8:20:21 AM EDT

[#27]

Quoted:first She told me she hated me.

View Quote

I would rather have my child hate me and be alive, Than to stand over their grave and weep.

[:)>]

Posted: 4/18/2002 1:53:15 PM EDT

[#28]

Quoted:
I would rather have my child hate me and be alive, Than to stand over their grave and weep. [:)>]

View Quote

Very well said, boiled down to the essence of the truth. Bravo Zulu.

Posted: 4/18/2002 4:39:17 PM EDT

[#29]

I guess I have to wonder -- 4 of the 5 times you posted, your wife was dying and your landlord had just died and left his house to his alcoholic/criminal sons, and now one daughter (implied) died of anorexia and the other has gotten the habit.

Not to seem like an insensitive bastard, but are you a [:K]?

Posted: 4/19/2002 3:22:25 AM EDT

[#30]

You are a good dad, and your daughter is foutunate that you care enough to make those hard decisions.

John

Posted: 4/19/2002 6:58:01 AM EDT

[#31]

You did the right thing and it will not ruin the relationship. You must stay in contact with her. No matter how much she says I HATE YOU. My parents went through it with my sister. Back then there wasn't any help like today.

They tried the change friends, Change schools, all that stuff. My sister almost died and was hospitalized. She went through extensive Therapy and refused to talk to any of us. She spent almost 7 months in a Hospital and Physical Therapy. She got out just before I went to Nam.

She did ok and did have a relapse 8yrs later. Lucky her Husband took care of it. She doesn't hate any of us. She knows this is a problem, just like AA and NA groups there are support systems. Hang in there She will have to make the final choice. There is nothing you can do except be there. You must separate with love and live your life also. My sister is ok now it is over 23 or so years. Her daughter started doing the same and she handled it. She talks to my Parents and me all the time.

Posted: 4/19/2002 12:43:28 PM EDT

[#32]

Thank you all so much for the words of support and encouragement.

I can't go see her at the hospital and they aren't allowing her to use the telephone for at least 14 days (something about how phone calls are positive reenforcement and she only gets positive reenforcement when she complies with eating food for two straight weeks). They do update me every two hours. I had to sign papers for them to use a feeding tube as a last resort, but so far she's shocked enough that she is eating what they put before her.

The doctor said that they don't think she's really advanced in the disease, but she's damaged the enamel of her teeth from forcing herself to vomit and her hair is really thin from lack of vitamins.

I do appreciate everything so much, though.

And no, I'm not a troll.

I was a longtime member of the old board, before it changed to this format, which I have trouble loading completely. I had many an interesting discussion three-four years ago when I could still access the board easily. I think it was an ultimate board back then, but I don't rightly recall at the moment.

Long time posters from back then probably remember me.

Anyhow, I do appreciate it gentlemen. It took a load off of my chest just to post it here and then see that you all understood my actions. I don't have any other family. Just my wife and kids.

But y'all made this feel like a family and I do thank you.

Posted: 4/19/2002 12:52:36 PM EDT

[#33]

Also, to whoever asked what a Pro-anorexia site is:

[url]http://www.plagueangel.com/anorexic_nation/[/url]
[url]http://www.violentdelicious.org/tothebones/2.html[/url]

[url]http://jaoii.lunarpages.com/index2.html[/url]

I've complained to their servers telling them that it's wrong to encourage young people to starve this way. I know they'll reply about the first amendment, but these are LIVES we are talking about here.

Also, I found this on my kid's journal

Are you there, God? It's me.
I'm down here on my knees.
I'm praying to the porcelain queen
Hoping she will set me free

Because it seems to me that I'm fat
Not the kind of girl that guys look at
And I want to be loved one day
So there is just no other way

Are you listening to me, God
Please have a seat
I may bend your ear a while
So get off your weary feet

The world is changing so fast
But everyday thin is in
Forgive me for sticking my fingers down my throat
But this is a war that I can't win

I'd play with daddy's guns
And blow some fat away
But a gun won't fix my problem
The fat is here to stay

So save me from myself, God
I'm my worst enemy
I'm dying to be thin
I'm dying to be free
[blue]edited to make the links active.[/blue]

Posted: 4/19/2002 1:08:24 PM EDT

[#34]

Wow, what a poem. She has read Judy Blume, it seems.
She sees that there is a problem. There is half your battle. It will be some time before she sees any body fat as something other than completely evil.
Part of me wonders if Anorexic Nation is supposed to be some kind of seed to plant the idea that there may be something very wrong here, in the minds of the girls who read the site, and to lead them to question the anorexia. However, I have seen, closer than I want to, how mental illness functions.

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.

View Quote

Posted: 4/19/2002 1:26:54 PM EDT

[#35]

Anorexic Nation is a beautifully articulated cognitive dissonance bomb. It is an anti-anorexia site. There is way too much focus on the bad effects, plus the DSM-IV medical definition of Anorexia.
She was definitely on the right site to be thinking and questioning her behavior and motivations.

Posted: 4/19/2002 8:11:07 PM EDT

[#36]

SanityFair

You are doing the best thing you can for your daughter. She's going to say so many hateful things to you. But remember she is scared too. And your daughter will be thanking you in the long run. Cause you cared enough to get her the help she needs and saved her life. There are too many teens out there trying to lose weight even when they don't need to. Just so they can look like super models. I'd rather get to know someone for the person they are on the inside. Instead of what they look like on the outside. i hope that things will get better for her and as well as you. you have a lot of people supporting you on this. Keep strong for her!

bluewolf

Posted: 4/20/2002 7:28:48 AM EDT

[#37]

Good decision, one of many you'll have. Often, the thiness is a remedy, so they think, for a much deeper source of trouble. They have the idea that they are not loved, not wanted, and not worthy.

Whether this feeling of abandonment is perceived or actual, it is real to them and they engage and battle it as such. One of the few weapons available to them is the control of the food that goes into the system.

It is not unlikely you will hear some heavy shit as to what you did or didn't do. The important part is that you understand her orientation and see what she's screaming for.

As has been said, you need someone skilled in this area of treatment for psychological, addictive, medical, codependent, spiritual, and nutritional needs.

Dependent upon her response to treatment, even more treatment may be necessary down the road.
If I remember correctly, there was a place in Canada, and maybe 1 of the Outward Bound courses which were set up to handle such afflictions.

Best of luck.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - My little girl is killing herself. (Page 2 of 2)

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