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Posted: 9/14/2010 4:11:24 PM EDT
My older brother got arrested a few weeks ago for something pretty bad
(I cannot give details), When I found out I was absolutely enraged with him.

I spoke to my pastor about it all and he told me it was 100% normal
to be so angry at the shame my brother brought to my families name.
Then my pastor told me the sins of my brother are not mine to bear.
(that was the best thing anyone could have told me)

To be honest he never really was much of a brother to me and in
a lot of ways I've been embarrassed to admit he was my brother.
We are pretty much polar opposites, Me clean and neat, him not so,
me conservative, him liberal. me God, County, Family, Him....
Well, I think you get the picture.

I've always felt that I had to take the role he should have taken
in the family because he did not live up to his responsibilities.
(when my father was dying I had to take the role of the eldest son)

All that being said....

I was at work today and listening to music and I realized that I
actually felt relieved about it all, to have him finally out of my life.


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?



Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:15:44 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?



No one can answer that question but you. And, I think you've already answered it.
It's sad that your brother has caused this type of emotional upheaval in his family. But, it sounds like he earned your feelings.

You have my condolences.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:21:36 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/14/2010 4:22:09 PM EDT by Cowboy1967]
Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:
My older brother got arrested a few weeks ago for something pretty bad
(I cannot give details), When I found out I was absolutely enraged with him.

I spoke to my pastor about it all and he told me it was 100% normal
to be so angry at the shame my brother brought to my families name.
Then my pastor told me the sins of my brother are not mine to bear.
(that was the best thing anyone could have told me)

To be honest he never really was much of a brother to me and in
a lot of ways I've been embarrassed to admit he was my brother.
We are pretty much polar opposites, Me clean and neat, him not so,
me conservative, him liberal. me God, County, Family, Him....
Well, I think you get the picture.

I've always felt that I had to take the role he should have taken
in the family because he did not live up to his responsibilities.
(when my father was dying I had to take the role of the eldest son)

All that being said....

I was at work today and listening to music and I realized that I
actually felt relieved about it all, to have him finally out of my life.


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?





It broke my mothers heart, but when my brother died... I breathed a sigh of relief.. All he ever did was bring shame and hurt to my family.. when my dad and sister told me of his death I actually said "GOOD!" my dad told me it was OK for me to grieve.... But I had nothing but relief
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:23:57 PM EDT
Normal reaction.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:26:46 PM EDT
No not wrong to fell the way you do. He's the one acting, your reacting to him but now your done with all that reaction guilt.. Enjoy the peace of mind.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:34:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By -GunNutJuell-:
Normal reaction.

This. Healthy, in fact.

Don't second guess yourself, your feelings are genuine and earned...and you have every right to them.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:38:11 PM EDT
Thank you everyone, I'm glad to see that I am not in the wrong here.

I did not want to say anything about this until I had time to let my emotions cool down.

Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:39:42 PM EDT
I don't think it's wrong at all. I'm sure there are a lot of different feelings involved. From the anger and hurt that he caused in the past to the crap he's putting the family through now, I can understand how you would feel relief that he's out of the picture.

If there were victims in said crime, I bet you can feel sorry for them. I bet you feel for the rest of your family for what he's put them through. And, I bet you wish things could have been different with your brother. But he did it - nobody else. He's responsible.

Most of the time, you can't help how you feel- you just feel it, and how you feel sounds pretty normal to me. Lots of conflicting feelings go along with something like this.

Prayers out for you and your family- even your brother.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:41:50 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/14/2010 4:46:42 PM EDT by runcible]
"Family" is not some club that people get to beat you over the head with whenever they choose.

I don't think you're wrong in the slightest.

(You probably saw it coming long ago, and now you're just relieved that it's over.)
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:43:36 PM EDT
Take all your family and imagine they died in a house fire and no remains were found. As if they were 'poof' - gone.

Then live your life like that.

You're life will be 10000% better.

My extended family are lying, leeching, scum of scum. To excuminicate them was one of the better days of my life.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:48:53 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:

I was at work today and listening to music and I realized that I
actually felt relieved about it all, to have him finally out of my life.


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?


Not if you are a smart person.

It is the idiots who think that everyone "has a good side" and want to keep losers around that are eventually bitten by them again.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:49:47 PM EDT
Pretty normal. Here's the only thing I'll comment on...

He is your brother. He's your closest living relative. No matter what happens in either of your lives...he is still your brother.

Me and my brothers have our differences some times...but I'd go through the depths of hell and back for them no matter what. No questions need to be asked.

Maybe he hasn't been a brother to you, maybe he's tore your family a part...but he's the only brother (I assume) you have. He's still a part of your family. Think about the concept of family and brothership. I honestly can not fathom a situation where I would turn my back on my own brothers.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:53:39 PM EDT
The way you feel about your brother is almost exactly how I feel about my own father. Don't want to get into to many details but he isn't the same dad I had years ago. I'm 21 and he has done drugs since before I was born. He did, however, help raise me as best he could. I only saw him every other weekend and one day a week but he did do his part up till I was able to drive on my own, then I went and saw him when I wasn't busy.... In the past few years he has changed a lot. Drugs have taken their toll and he has become a bitter, cynical, selfish man who I am honestly afraid to be around. I havn't spoken to him in over a year. It breaks my heart to think about him sometimes but I have to live my life, he has chosen this path and all I know is that I am glad for the time I got to spend with him and I know I don't want to go down the same road he did.

This is what you should do. You will always think about him from time to time I mean, he is your brother. But sometimes even though they are blood, the best thing to do is separate. It sucks, but in the end one or both will end up better off. I'd say this is 100% normal, not saying it doesn't suck but it is normal. Take it day by day and things will get back to normal. Everything happens for a reason.
Best wishes, man.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:53:44 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:
My older brother got arrested a few weeks ago for something pretty bad
(I cannot give details), When I found out I was absolutely enraged with him.

I spoke to my pastor about it all and he told me it was 100% normal
to be so angry at the shame my brother brought to my families name.
Then my pastor told me the sins of my brother are not mine to bear.
(that was the best thing anyone could have told me)

To be honest he never really was much of a brother to me and in
a lot of ways I've been embarrassed to admit he was my brother.
We are pretty much polar opposites, Me clean and neat, him not so,
me conservative, him liberal. me God, County, Family, Him....
Well, I think you get the picture.

I've always felt that I had to take the role he should have taken
in the family because he did not live up to his responsibilities.
(when my father was dying I had to take the role of the eldest son)

All that being said....

I was at work today and listening to music and I realized that I
actually felt relieved about it all, to have him finally out of my life.


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?




No, in my opinion.

Adults, even adults we are related to, make choices. Relationship shouldn't influence consequence.

You are not a bad person for wanting to be rid of a burden. It is natural and normal.
If my uncle is a child molester, there is no way in hell I am ever going to write it off as 'family'. We have an obligation to protect ourselves and our families (even if we haven't started them yet.).

Sorry to hear about your brother, hope you find peace with all this.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 4:54:58 PM EDT
Sounds like he wasn't really in your life anyway.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:00:10 PM EDT
I've got family members I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. They're worthless scum.

I don't think you're wrong OP.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:03:08 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:
My older brother got arrested a few weeks ago for something pretty bad
(I cannot give details), When I found out I was absolutely enraged with him.

I spoke to my pastor about it all and he told me it was 100% normal
to be so angry at the shame my brother brought to my families name.
Then my pastor told me the sins of my brother are not mine to bear.
(that was the best thing anyone could have told me)

To be honest he never really was much of a brother to me and in
a lot of ways I've been embarrassed to admit he was my brother.
We are pretty much polar opposites, Me clean and neat, him not so,
me conservative, him liberal. me God, County, Family, Him....
Well, I think you get the picture.

I've always felt that I had to take the role he should have taken
in the family because he did not live up to his responsibilities.
(when my father was dying I had to take the role of the eldest son)

All that being said....

I was at work today and listening to music and I realized that I
actually felt relieved about it all, to have him finally out of my life.


Is it wrong for me to feel this way?





No. We do not choose our family. We WANT our family to be like Ozzie & Harriet's or the Cleavers, but reality is we don't all turn out that way. He made his choices and they have consequences. Your Pastor is right, you are not responsible for his actions. All we can do is our best and live with it.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:05:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/14/2010 5:14:09 PM EDT by Mr_Harry]
Thank you

I think I've just finally come to terms with it all today.

I've always wished he had his shit together, for everyones sake,
I really think he broke my dads heart to see how he turned out.
I tried my best to be a good son to my Dad, in a way maybe
to make up for my brother's actions.

It feels like a huge burden has been finally lifted out of my life.

I can pray for him, but I honestly believe this is the last straw.
Some times you need to walk away knowing you tried your best.

Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:24:54 PM EDT
I think the overwhelming support that you have gotten here should pretty well settle your mind.

Good luck in dealing with the rest of the family and come back if you have more trouble with it.


Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:27:20 PM EDT
Originally Posted By machinisttx:
I've got family members I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. They're worthless scum.

I don't think you're wrong OP.

Did we just become best friends ?
OP you are in the right.

Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:30:58 PM EDT
Originally Posted By itsARanchrifle:
Originally Posted By machinisttx:
I've got family members I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. They're worthless scum.

I don't think you're wrong OP.

Did we just become best friends ?
OP you are in the right.



Well I won't even go on about the sisters I've written off for their greedy BS.

Ever wake up and realize half your Family is Screwed up.

Link Posted: 9/14/2010 5:31:01 PM EDT
I once dated a girl who's brother was just like this. When he finally went to prison it was a relief for everyone.

We broke up right before he got out, so I have no idea what kind of shape he's in now, but I expect more of the same.

Life your life, don't worry about him. I'd say it's normal.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:22:09 PM EDT
sounds to me like you 2 would be a shoe in for the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:26:26 PM EDT
If he is arrested and not convicted yet, I think it says more about you then him...

The pastor was right when he said it is not your sins to bear, however you should not feel happy or joyous because your brother who you do not get along with has been arrested - especially not convicted.

In other words, you're happy that someone took care of something for you - they took the issue of him out of your life because you didn't.

Question outside of that, do you think he did what he was arrested for? Are you happy that he was arrested because he did what he did, or are you happy he was arrested so that he is now out of your life?
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:36:56 PM EDT
I can sympathize with you. It's not your fault how he turned out because he made his choices. You live your life and he lives his.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:43:13 PM EDT
Feelings are neither right, nor wrong.

What you do with them can be.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:46:44 PM EDT
There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

I think it's a little similar to how I felt when my mom passed away. She was suffering from cancer and it was the big dark cloud looming over the family. After she passed it was like a burden had been lifted off my entire family.

Not the same situation but the same relief.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:48:47 PM EDT
If it feels right it can't be wrong
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:58:46 PM EDT
Your dad probably wanted better for him. Or should've. But he wouldn't've wanted it at your moral expense. Or shouldn't've.

It'd be easier if there were a button you could press to fix someone, but there isn't one. The more you think about the phrase "bowing to the inevitable", the wiser it gets. Maybe your brother's choices weren't always inevitable, but they are now, and you don't have the power to change that. And maybe you don't have the right to change it.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 6:59:18 PM EDT
If what he did is so bad that you don't even want to talk about it, then I say that's all the proof you need to to justify your feelings.











Originally Posted By Ghoulardi:
sounds to me like you 2 would be a shoe in for the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW




GFY.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 7:01:44 PM EDT
You are perfectly healthy and not wrong to feel that way.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 7:03:46 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Mr_Harry:
Originally Posted By itsARanchrifle:
Originally Posted By machinisttx:
I've got family members I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. They're worthless scum.

I don't think you're wrong OP.

Did we just become best friends ?
OP you are in the right.



Well I won't even go on about the sisters I've written off for their greedy BS.

Ever wake up and realize half your Family is Screwed up.


Yes.... I learned when I was young that family is the one thing you can't trust.
Link Posted: 9/14/2010 8:06:57 PM EDT
Originally Posted By fettesbrotde:
If he is arrested and not convicted yet, I think it says more about you then him...

The pastor was right when he said it is not your sins to bear, however you should not feel happy or joyous because your brother who you do not get along with has been arrested - especially not convicted.

In other words, you're happy that someone took care of something for you - they took the issue of him out of your life because you didn't.

Question outside of that, do you think he did what he was arrested for? Are you happy that he was arrested because he did what he did, or are you happy he was arrested so that he is now out of your life?



To Clarify:

I'm Relieved Not Happy (two totally different things)

As far as out of my life..... He pretty much has been except for things like suddenly wanting to
take over (and kill my Father by his actions) when I was the health care proxy for my Father etc.

Like I said I am Relieved, Happiness would come if he decided to finally straighten up after all he is in his 50's



Link Posted: 9/14/2010 8:11:45 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/14/2010 8:12:34 PM EDT by swingset]

Originally Posted By Rem700PSS:
Pretty normal. Here's the only thing I'll comment on...

He is your brother. He's your closest living relative. No matter what happens in either of your lives...he is still your brother.

Me and my brothers have our differences some times...but I'd go through the depths of hell and back for them no matter what. No questions need to be asked.

Maybe he hasn't been a brother to you, maybe he's tore your family a part...but he's the only brother (I assume) you have. He's still a part of your family. Think about the concept of family and brothership. I honestly can not fathom a situation where I would turn my back on my own brothers.

Brotherhood is dependent on your actions, not your blood. Brothers have killed one another, raped their brother's wives, you name it....acts that any sane person SHOULD turn their back on.

Family is not a license to harm, and if you accept or enable it by allowing that blood is more important than normal human boundaries of right and wrong then you're just as much a part of the wrong.

Link Posted: 9/14/2010 8:59:51 PM EDT
I don't know that it's wrong for you to feel that way, but I do know it's a damn shame. My older Brother passed away in January after a 3 year battle with cancer. We were never close despite living together for the last 5 years and despite my trying on more than one occasion to get him to do things with me like go to the range or a gun show. Unfortunately he was just never interested in doing anything with me until he was too weak from the cancer that he couldn't anymore.

I was angry with my Brother many times during his illness. Angry that he knowingly wrecked his health, angry that he wouldn't do anything about it, and angry that even up to the end he was lying to me about how bad it was. And despite everything I did, angry with myself that there wasn't something more I could have done.

If your Brother is a hopeless case there's not much you can do, but once he's gone there are no more chances. If there is a chance, even a tiny one, I'd suggest you take it. If not then....well, not much you can do except try to put it behind you and move on. But one day you'll look back and say "If only I could have done something more". Trust me, you will.
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