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Posted: 9/12/2010 1:50:19 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 6:42:42 PM EDT by Evil_ATF]
So I went to see 'Resident Evil: Afterlife' in 3D (the only way it's offered, locally at least) last night.

1. That entire film was gayer than a fanny pack full of dicks, balls touching or two fistfuls of another mans KY-coated chest hair. Where was any semblance of a plot or continuity?

Click To View Spoiler

2. 3D? Cute...but it is too distracting. The occassional "Oh, there's an axe flying at the screen" would be fine. When every other fucking scene is a slow motion Matrix ripoff, followed up by 3D overkill...well...it makes my brain hurt. That and the 3D glasses make everything too dark. I tried watching the film without the glasses, but there was so much 3D pixelation going on that you didn't have any choice but to watch the damn thing with the shades on.

3. PG-13? That means no Meatlla, folks, which has occured in ever film so far.

It also leads into the rest of my post...


Three couples came in during the previews and sat down directly behind me. Immediately they start giggling, talking and generally acting the fool. I was annoyed but figured that they'd shut the fuck up once the movie started.

No dice.

About 5 minutes into the opening and the guys shut up...but their dates keep gabbering on. At this point I turn around and, as politely as I can muster, say "You want to keep it down?"

They shut up for about fifteen minutes before the occasional whisper turned into full blown giggling and laughing once more. Less patient, I turned back to the shadows behind me and said a little louder "Shut the fuck up!".

No reply. Dead silence. Mission accomplished.

30 minutes later, we're back to giggling and talking. Ever-prepared, I pulled the Surefire G2L LED from the pocket of my cargo pants, turned and delivered 120 lumens of retina-melting goodness (somewhat diminished by the tinted 3D glasses, I'm sure) to the offenders. Shrieks from the females...shrieks from the males. Grunts from the couple sitting a row or two behind them.

[chefsdad]Well, it was about this time that I noticed[/chefsdad] that the offenders weren't possibly a day over 15.

"Do your parents know you're here?" I asked.

"...yes..." one of them replied. I did not yet know that the film was the first of the PG-13 Resident Evil films.

The rest of the film was uneventful. While filing out of the theater, I spotted the couple behind the offenders and apologized for the light. The guy laughed it off...his date was a little less friendly about it. Such is life.

I treated myself to a bacon cheeseburger from Wendys, drove home and watched 'Enemy At The Gates' to cleanse my brain.

Cliff Notes:
The fallout due to the latest Resident Evil being rated PG-13 isn't limited to a lack of Meatlla, over the top gore, swearing or sexual content. You're going to have actual 13 year olds watching the film behind you.

P.S.
Don't be a cunt. If you want to talk plot, use spoiler tags.

ETA
Looks like it's rated R, after all. It still ate a bag of dicks.

ETA x 2:
Now with moar pics.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 1:54:40 PM EDT
The movie series turned to crap after the first movie. The Game series took a dump at RE:4. Sure, it was a fun game, but it had nothing to do with Resident Evil.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 1:56:59 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
So I went to see 'Resident Evil: Afterlife' in 3D (the only way it's offered, locally at least) last night.

1. That entire film was gayer than a fanny pack full of dicks, balls touching or two fistfuls of another mans KY-coated chest hair. Where was any semblance of a plot or continuity?

Click To View Spoiler

2. 3D? Cute...but it is too distracting. The occassional "Oh, there's an axe flying at the screen" would be fine. When every other fucking scene is a slow motion Matrix ripoff, followed up by 3D overkill...well...it makes my brain hurt. That and the 3D glasses make everything too dark. I tried watching the film without the glasses, but there was so much 3D pixelation going on that you didn't have any choice but to watch the damn thing with the shades on.

3. PG-13? That means no Meatlla, folks, which has occured in ever film so far.

It also leads into the rest of my post...

Three couples came in during the previews and sat down directly behind me. Immediately they start giggling, talking and generally acting the fool. I was annoyed but figured that they'd shut the fuck up once the movie started.

No dice.

About 5 minutes into the opening and the guys shut up...but their dates keep gabbering on. At this point I turn around and, as politely as I can muster, say "You want to keep it down?"

They shut up for about fifteen minutes before the occasional whisper turned into full blown giggling and laughing once more. Less patient, I turned back to the shadows behind me and said a little louder "Shut the fuck up!".

No reply. Dead silence. Mission accomplished.

30 minutes later, we're back to giggling and talking. Ever-prepared, I pulled the Surefire G2L LED from the pocket of my cargo pants, turned and delivered 120 lumens of retina-melting goodness (somewhat diminished by the tinted 3D glasses, I'm sure) to the offenders. Shrieks from the females...shrieks from the males. Grunts from the couple sitting a row or two behind them.

[chefsdad]Well, it was about this time that I noticed[/chefsdad] that the offenders weren't possibly a day over 15.

"Do your parents know you're here?" I asked.

"...yes..." one of them replied. I did not yet know that the film was the first of the PG-13 Resident Evil films.

The rest of the film was uneventful. While filing out of the theater, I spotted the couple behind the offenders and apologized for the light. The guy laughed it off...his date was a little less friendly about it. Such is life.

I treated myself to a bacon cheeseburger from Wendys, drove home and watched 'Enemy At The Gates' to cleanse my brain.

Cliff Notes:
The fallout due to the latest Resident Evil being rated PG-13 isn't limited to a lack of Meatlla, over the top gore, swearing or sexual content. You're going to have actual 13 year olds watching the film behind you.

P.S.
Don't be a cunt. If you want to talk plot, use spoiler tags.


So......
I shouldnt go see it?
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 1:57:21 PM EDT
If a movie isn't rated at least R, you know it will suck in terms of realism.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 1:57:42 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 2:06:01 PM EDT by The_4th_Horseman]
Wait a second. Its PG-13?

Nope. Its rated R
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:00:12 PM EDT
Uggg
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:02:33 PM EDT
Seeing Millas titties has always been a high point of the series.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:03:39 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Coltman77:
If a movie isn't rated at least R, you know it will suck in terms of realism.


I thought Red Dawn, which was the FIRST PG13 movie, should have been Rated R. I don't know how realistic it was but for 1985 or 6 when it came out, it blew me away...and it didn't suck.

Hax

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:04:04 PM EDT
No Mila Jovovich tits or ass? That's a bummer.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:04:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 2:04:51 PM EDT by The_4th_Horseman]
Everything I found online says it is rated R. Why do you think its PG-13?
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:04:23 PM EDT
PG-fucking 13?
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:04:46 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 2:05:37 PM EDT by SilentType]
I don't know how you could NOT like constant action with spent casings flying out at you and SUPER hot chicks in 3D.

I mean zombies having their heads blown off and brain matter flying at you in 3D is not good to go for a member here???

I thought it rocked.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:05:04 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 2:05:36 PM EDT by MOS2111]
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Im old and dont like loud noises, children or dogs.

P.S.
Don't be a cunt. If you want to talk plot, use spoiler tags.
[/spoiler]


The part in red is only part of why I think you kick ass.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:07:20 PM EDT
Originally Posted By The_4th_Horseman:
Everything I found online says it is rated R. Why do you think its PG-13?


This, I just checked Fandango
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:08:08 PM EDT
The commercial made it look like a Matrix ripoff. Will not watch.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:10:05 PM EDT
Yea seen it last night too...the quarter thing....gotta be fucking kidding me.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:11:42 PM EDT

Everything I've read says it is rated R.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:17:10 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Renegade13B:
Originally Posted By The_4th_Horseman:
Everything I found online says it is rated R. Why do you think its PG-13?


This, I just checked Fandango

Okay...perhaps I'm fucking retarded. I just checked Fandango, as well.

Rated R.

The couple sitting behind the noisy group said "That's what you get when they make a movie PG-13".

I checked the reader board outside and, sure as shit, "Resident Evil PG-13" followed by hourly show times.

*shrug*
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 2:19:55 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 2:20:58 PM EDT by DKing]
I really liked it. I didn't even notice it was pg-13.

ETA: Probably because it was rated "R"
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:05:07 PM EDT
I booked it out of the theater the minute the credits started rolling. However, I just heard that there was some extra footage about halfway through the credits.

Anyone that's seen the flick care to share?

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:06:06 PM EDT
Originally Posted By MOS2111:
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Im old and dont like loud noises, children or dogs.

P.S.
Don't be a cunt. If you want to talk plot, use spoiler tags.
[/spoiler]


The part in red is only part of why I think you kick ass.

I'm only in my early thirties...still in my prime.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:06:56 PM EDT
Cock vs c*ck is stupid.The rules are a joke/
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:08:28 PM EDT
1/2 way through the credits a woman I didn't recognize who was a umbrella employee said "this will be the fight of your lives".
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:18:11 PM EDT
So do you see Millas tits or not?
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:20:21 PM EDT
Originally Posted By DKing:
1/2 way through the credits a woman I didn't recognize who was a umbrella employee said "this will be the fight of your lives".

Here's The Footage

Click To View Spoiler

I want a reboot. I don't usually say that with movies...but I demand a fucking reboot of the series that is true to the original story.

I also want Milla to get a set of newbies...something between a healthy B cup and a tasteful C.

...and I want Paul Anderson brought before me so he can watch as I burn all that he loves.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:22:16 PM EDT
Originally Posted By ThreeMike:
So do you see Millas tits or not?

You see nothing. Not even close.

This is literally the most skin you'll see of Milla (or anyone else):

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:22:46 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Renegade13B:
The movie series turned to crap after the first movie. The Game series took a dump at RE:4. Sure, it was a fun game, but it had nothing to do with Resident Evil.
QFT.

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:23:23 PM EDT
The only reason to see any of them has been Milla as far as I'm concerned. Actually, that pretty much goes for all her movies.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:29:46 PM EDT
??? Milla doesnt have very big knockers at all. I guess you thought they should have just carried the tradition. I'd rather have had ali larter expose her boobs this go around.

My GF and I left at the credits, and when we were walking out, they panned back to the movie but we missed it. Can someone use the spoiler tag and tell me what I missed.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:33:49 PM EDT
120 lumens is pretty weak. My single AAA keychain light will produce 120 lumens.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:39:05 PM EDT
Originally Posted By opticalc:
??? Milla doesnt have very big knockers at all. I guess you thought they should have just carried the tradition. I'd rather have had ali larter expose her boobs this go around.

My GF and I left at the credits, and when we were walking out, they panned back to the movie but we missed it. Can someone use the spoiler tag and tell me what I missed.

See my link above

Originally Posted By metroplex:
120 lumens is pretty weak. My single AAA keychain light will produce 120 lumens.

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:42:21 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Originally Posted By DKing:
1/2 way through the credits a woman I didn't recognize who was a umbrella employee said "this will be the fight of your lives".

Here's The Footage

Click To View Spoiler

I want a reboot. I don't usually say that with movies...but I demand a fucking reboot of the series that is true to the original story.

I also want Milla to get a set of newbies...something between a healthy B cup and a tasteful C.

...and I want Paul Anderson brought before me so he can watch as I burn all that he loves.


They need to follow THE FUCKING GAME next time.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:43:00 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 3:44:51 PM EDT by DKing]

Originally Posted By metroplex:
120 lumens is pretty weak. My single AAA keychain light will produce 120 lumens.

Hush, the gear queers are talking...

4" 120 lumens
http://www.tinydeal.com/mini-3w-cree-p4wc-120lumen-led-emitter-flashlight-torch-ultra-bright-aaa-batteries-powered-hui5266-p-5364.html
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:43:07 PM EDT
I tried to Google "Meatlla" to figure out what you were talking about and I pulled up this thread again

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:49:24 PM EDT
That reminds me of 3 weeks ago when I went to see te expendables. Except a whole family was there, and I mean the whole extended family, including their baby, every 10 seconds it started crying, and the people did nothing. Thank god the guy sitting next to them sai something, he didnt really say anything, infact he yelled "This is fucking rediculous, who the fuck brings a baby to a movie theater"

Me and my friend burst out laughing and that was the best part of the movie. The guy stormed out and the person with the baby got the hint and left
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:51:01 PM EDT
Originally Posted By kcpwnsgman:
I tried to Google "Meatlla" to figure out what you were talking about and I pulled up this thread again



I think he means the "meat" on Milla, or her jugs.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 4:01:31 PM EDT
"You want to keep it down"
"Shut the fuck up"
but the flash light deserves
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 4:35:44 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Vicinity:
Originally Posted By kcpwnsgman:
I tried to Google "Meatlla" to figure out what you were talking about and I pulled up this thread again



I think he means the "meat" on Milla, or her jugs.

This.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:33:16 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 5:54:40 PM EDT by jmhal]
yeah I just got back from seeing it, the theater was empty it was three of us and maybe two others. I suspect it was because we went out of our way to go to a 2D showing. From the start with the opening credits, even in 2D you could tell they were trying hard to slap on the 3D for the whole, OMG the producer's name is flying around effect.

Overall it was meh. The slow motion effects along with some of the running around shooting full-auto kills all else was very Matrix. And I also gave a WTF to everything you listed in the spoiler tag.

Also I thought the woman playing Crystal was hot, which was the only upside of the movie.

ETA Crystal played byKacey Barnfield
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:46:18 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Originally Posted By DKing:
1/2 way through the credits a woman I didn't recognize who was a umbrella employee said "this will be the fight of your lives".

Here's The Footage

Click To View Spoiler

I want a reboot. I don't usually say that with movies...but I demand a fucking reboot of the series that is true to the original story.

I also want Milla to get a set of newbies...something between a healthy B cup and a tasteful C.

...and I want Paul Anderson brought before me so he can watch as I burn all that he loves.


Milla's tits are perfect as they are, heretic!!
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:50:58 PM EDT
The wife and I have been to see all the movies in theaters and it is more of a fun thing for us than a serious cinematic experience. We don't have 3D anywhere near our home so we went to the 2D version which was fine. Overall we enjoyed the movie but there were some things that were kind of annoying. The "filmed for 3D" bits were annoying as was the "slo-mo" scenes, like when a pair of glasses gets tossed at the camera and nothing else happens.

Plot wise, some of the hardest characters in the game were beaten too easily IMO (like a particular end battle in 5 was over very quickly in the movie) but I was pleased to see some of my favorite characters/technologies/villains for the first time on screen.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:52:05 PM EDT
I saw it today. Lousy film.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:58:56 PM EDT
Originally Posted By g3shooter:
Seeing Millas titties has always been a high point of the series.


What tits? She's flatter than a schoolboy. Don't get me wrong, I love Milla, she's just a mite bit mammary challenged.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 6:04:15 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 6:04:41 PM EDT by Evil_ATF]
Originally Posted By tenmikemike:
Milla's tits are perfect as they are, heretic!!

Perky and pointy...quality is there. However, this is Arfcom and I want both quality and quantity. They don't need to be massive, drooping udders for me to enjoy...but what Milla is packing isn't enough quantity for my tastes.

Originally Posted By Amontgomery:
Plot wise, some of the hardest characters in the game were beaten too easily IMO (like a particular end battle in 5 was over very quickly in the movie) but I was pleased to see some of my favorite characters/technologies/villains for the first time on screen.

Click To View Spoiler
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 6:06:09 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Originally Posted By tenmikemike:
Milla's tits are perfect as they are, heretic!!

Perky and pointy...quality is there. However, this is Arfcom and I want both quality and quantity. They don't need to be massive, drooping udders for me to enjoy...but what Milla is packing isn't enough quantity for my tastes.

Originally Posted By Amontgomery:
Plot wise, some of the hardest characters in the game were beaten too easily IMO (like a particular end battle in 5 was over very quickly in the movie) but I was pleased to see some of my favorite characters/technologies/villains for the first time on screen.

Click To View Spoiler


Bingo. Two cup sizes more and I'd be in love.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 6:39:02 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/12/2010 6:39:27 PM EDT by Evil_ATF]
Originally Posted By Vicinity:
Bingo. Two cup sizes more and I'd be in love.

Indeed. Even the actress who plays Claire Redfield isn't exactly stacked...but she's miles ahead of Milla in the Chesticle Department.





Link Posted: 9/12/2010 6:44:51 PM EDT
It was ridiculous, silly, and borderline retarded. I loved every minute of it.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 6:50:16 PM EDT
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 7:00:03 PM EDT
I believe the red light on the plane was a stall indicator, hence the dip down before coming back up.

Click To View SpoilerAs for Milla's boobs, GTFO. Her boobs are perfect for her body type. You put D cups on her and she's going to look like one of those stupid fucking WWE girls where fully 1/3 of her body weight is silicone.

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 7:07:40 PM EDT
Originally Posted By happycynic:
As for Milla's boobs, GTFO. Her boobs are perfect for her body type. You put D cups on her and she's going to look like one of those stupid fucking WWE girls where fully 1/3 of her body weight is silicone.

Like I said...a healthy B or a tasteful C would still be perfect, even for her skinny build. As thin as she is, a solid B cup would be grand without looking out of place.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 7:09:14 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Evil_ATF:
Originally Posted By happycynic:
As for Milla's boobs, GTFO. Her boobs are perfect for her body type. You put D cups on her and she's going to look like one of those stupid fucking WWE girls where fully 1/3 of her body weight is silicone.

Like I said...a healthy B or a tasteful C would still be perfect, even for her skinny build. As thin as she is, a solid B cup would be grand without looking out of place.

Go google her nekkid pics and get back to me. Seriously, God will smite you if you fuck with that kind of perfection.
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