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Posted: 9/11/2010 9:48:01 PM EDT

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows XP, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



M4-CQBR
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:01:18 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/11/2010 10:13:49 PM EDT by R_Fury]
I was stationed in Germany for a while, when we (Mrs_Fury and I) arrived we had no transportation. We walked from the housing area to the PX and bought a couple of bicycles. We were riding back to housing, I looked over to my wife and told her I was going to test my brakes (big fucking mistake); I slammed the break levers all the way down. The bike stopped just fine then inertia and gravity took over. I was launched head first over the handle bars, and face planted on the concrete. The really stupid part: I didn't let go of the handle bars as I flew over them, so as I face planted, the bike (which was mid-air at this point) crashed down on my back.

Mrs_Fury while laughing her ass off at me for being such a dumb ass, stopped helped me get the bike off me and up on me feet at the same time checking to see if I was OK. I got back on my bike to ride the rest of the way back home, and I couldn't pedal the bicycle. The crank (where the pedal was attached) was bent in so I could not make a full revolution.

As I was walking home with the bike, I heard a group of kids (10-13y/o) laughing their asses off at me.

That was going on ten years ago, and we still laugh about it. I imagine that those kids still do as well.


Yup, I am a dumb ass.


Fury.


BTW....I ended up fixing the bike by taking a 4lb mallet and bending the crank back out. I could not get the crank back into the original position, so until this day (yes I still have the bike), when I pedal the bike, every revolution it clangs against the frame,

Clang, Clang, Clang, down the trails.

Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:05:20 PM EDT
This thread. I laughed. That is all.
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:19:07 PM EDT
I have to agree though, the humor level that GD is so famous for has been slipping lately.
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:21:08 PM EDT
Originally Posted By R_Fury:
I have to agree though, the humor level that GD is so famous for has been slipping lately.


They keep banning the funny people
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:25:44 PM EDT
Ever wonder why only in America do we have so many more healthy people than sick?
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:27:54 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/11/2010 10:29:23 PM EDT by R_Fury]
Originally Posted By phurba:
Ever wonder why only in America do we have so many more healthy people than sick?


What the hell are you trying to insinuate?


Never mind, I thought you were calling me something.
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:28:05 PM EDT

Originally Posted By phurba:
Ever wonder why only in America do we have so many more healthy people than sick?

I'll take "ObongoCare hasn't been instituted yet" for a thousand, Alex.
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 10:33:07 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/11/2010 10:33:49 PM EDT by BillofRights]

Originally Posted By Desdinova721:
Originally Posted By R_Fury:
I have to agree though, the humor level that GD is so famous for has been slipping lately.


They keep banning the funny people

Funny, Witty, controversial or interesting, You're OUTAHERE!
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 11:01:50 PM EDT

Only in America ... are there Braille instructions at a drive-up ATM.
Link Posted: 9/11/2010 11:24:43 PM EDT
Ever wonder why they have handicapped parking spaces at bars/taverns?
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:02:36 AM EDT
Gone_Shootin
For Broke Dicks like me after surgery so we can have a few nice stiff drinks to go with the Oxycotin! Or the poor bastard that had thier body f-ed up in a war zone! Thats why they have those spots at the bar!

The first two comments are dam funny!

Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:11:03 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Gone_Shootin:
Ever wonder why they have handicapped parking spaces at bars/taverns?

so do you think people in wheelchairs cant drive or cant drink? Not to mention just old people that have handicapped plates.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:23:13 AM EDT

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



I really, really want to know that one
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 3:24:58 AM EDT
English is the most widely spoken language in the history of the planet.
One out of every seven human beings can speak or read it.
Half the world's books, 3/4 of the international mail are in English.
It has the largest vocabulary, perhaps two million words,
And a noble body of literature. But face it:
English is cuh-ray-zee!

Just a few examples: There's no egg in eggplant, no pine or apple in pineapple.
Quicksand works slowly; boxing rings are square.
A writer writes, but do fingers fing?
Hammers don't ham, grocers don't groce. Haberdashers don't haberdash.
English is cuh-ray-zee!

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
It's one goose, two geese. Why not one moose, two meese?
If it's one index, two indices; why not one Kleenex,two Kleenices?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

You can comb through the annals of history, but not just one annal.
You can make amends, but not just one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one, is it an odd or an end?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that a preacher praught?
If you wrote a letter, did you also bote your tongue?
And if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

Why is it that night falls but never breaks and day breaks but never falls?
In what other language do people drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Ship by truck but send cargo by ship? Recite at a play but play at a recital?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same
When a wise man and a wise guy are very different?
To overlook something and to oversee something are very different,
But quite a lot and quite a few are the same.
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next?
English is cuh-ray-zee!

You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn down
While it is burning up. You fill out a form by filling it in.
In which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

Well, English was invented by people, not computers
And reflects the creativity of the human race.
So that's why when the stars are out, they're visible,
But when the lights are out, they're invisible.
When I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this rap,
I end it. English is cuh-ray-zee!
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 5:59:26 AM EDT
We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

We go swiming but run out of the pool or lake if it starts to rain.
Link Posted: 9/12/2010 8:34:31 AM EDT

Originally Posted By CommoGunSlinger:
Gone_Shootin
For Broke Dicks like me after surgery so we can have a few nice stiff drinks to go with the Oxycotin! Or the poor bastard that had thier body f-ed up in a war zone! Thats why they have those spots at the bar!

The first two comments are dam funny!


Originally Posted By E-Mag:

Originally Posted By Gone_Shootin:
Ever wonder why they have handicapped parking spaces at bars/taverns?

so do you think people in wheelchairs cant drive or cant drink? Not to mention just old people that have handicapped plates.

Guys, it was a joke, relax.

And the point behind the joke was that most people upon leaving a bar are at the very least chemically handicapped.

Sorry if I offended.
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