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Posted: 9/6/2010 10:34:32 PM EDT

My Guns Are Pretty (And Safer Than Your Tattoos)


There’s nothing more annoying than getting a complaint about my gun collection from a feminist with a tattoo on her lower back. I don’t let anyone irresponsible get near my guns so that no one gets killed. When the feminist lets irresponsible men near her tattoos there’s a better chance that someone’s getting aborted.

All kidding aside (was I kidding?), in recent months I have been hearing more and more complaints about my gun collection from people who read my columns – this despite the fact that the columns make them angry. (I’m glad these folks don’t own guns!) Some of those complaints have come to me directly. Some have been directed towards the authorities and my employers at UNCW.

So I have decided to write a column explaining my policies on gun ownership and, more specifically, how these complaints affect those policies. The following points fully summarize my

1.I accept guns as gifts from gun manufacturers and gun enthusiasts who wish to express their appreciation for my support of the Second Amendment. This has happened on numerous occasions. When it does, I do not report the gifts to the IRS. It is not the business of the federal government to know how many guns I own – any more than it is their business to know how many sex partners a feminist has accumulated. Most government employees can’t count that high anyway.

2.Whenever I am given a gun as a gift from a gun manufacturer or gun enthusiast I express my gratitude by giving a gun to someone who does not own one. I do this not just because of the Golden Rule. I also do it because I am convinced that the percentage of the gun owning population is directly correlated with the percentage of the population pulling the trigger, I mean lever, for Republicans. I just don’t think someone who gets his first gun will remain in the Democratic Party much longer.

3.Whenever I give away a gun, I buy another one to replace it. Technically, this is not necessary since I only give guns away after receiving a new one. But I do not base my volume of gun purchases on need. I never said I needed more guns. I said I wanted more guns. If this is a problem for the aforementioned feminist then I must remind her that she doesn’t really need a tattoo on her lower back. Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of guns I can own will cause me to retaliate by a) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of abortions a woman can have, and b) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of tattoos a person can have.

If you want a war, I’ll give you a war.

4.For every speech I give on a college campus, I promise (henceforth onward) to add at least one firearm to my collection. So far this semester I have received two speaking invitations. I plan to celebrate the first speech with a Stoeger 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun. I plan to celebrate the second speech with a Remington 1187 12-gauge semi-automatic shotgun. But I always need more guns so, please, contact me at adams_mike@hotmail.com or contact the Young America’s Foundation (www.YAF.org) to bring me to your campus soon. That way, I can keep shooting off my mouth towards the end of shooting off more firearms. It may also cause distress to the people at PETA because I always send them pictures of my new guns along with pictures of the animals I kill with them.

As a matter of full disclosure, I receive copies of all e-mails sent to UNCW in response to my columns. So, if you write them, I will get a copy from my lawyers at the Alliance Defense Fund (please take the time to visit www.TellADF.org). I will respond by buying two boxes of ammo for every e-mail calling for my firing. I won’t get fired but the ammunition sure will. Thank you in advance for supporting my habit.

Whatever you do dear (not deer) anti-gun nuts, please don’t pay attention to that terrorist professor who built pipe bombs before he wrote Barack Obama’s fake biography. And keep ignoring that terrorist professor who works at Kent State University. They are not a threat to you. They aren’t conservative Christians.

Just keep tattooing your lower back, sleeping around, and aborting innocent babies. Someday the world will conform to your enlightened tolerance and your self-proclaimed moral superiority.

Link Posted: 9/6/2010 10:36:49 PM EDT
Jolly good show young man.
Link Posted: 9/6/2010 10:37:32 PM EDT
Great read.
Link Posted: 9/6/2010 10:39:08 PM EDT
I don't agree with all of his beliefs but he pisses off liberals and I respect that.
Link Posted: 9/6/2010 10:56:27 PM EDT
Well written. I like his approach.
Link Posted: 9/6/2010 10:59:34 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/6/2010 10:59:46 PM EDT by Seven-Shooter]
Link Posted: 9/6/2010 11:02:03 PM EDT
I keep my guns and my tattoos.

The synergy will make heads explode and women swoon.

Link Posted: 9/6/2010 11:07:50 PM EDT
He writes like ann coulter. badly.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 1:24:45 AM EDT
this column is an uncalled for provocation. it could endanger the entire conservative effort to win the hearts and minds of the progressive establishment. it could cause another liberal to say something else rude about conservatives. most unhelpful.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 1:37:05 AM EDT
Very nice!!
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 1:39:20 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/7/2010 1:40:19 AM EDT by Sleepy1988]
That was awesome. He said "fuck you" to the antis without actually saying fuck you.



Originally Posted By The_Mocker:
this column is an uncalled for provocation. it could endanger the entire conservative effort to win the hearts and minds of the progressive establishment. it could cause another liberal to say something else rude about conservatives. most unhelpful.


I see what you did there.



More liberal rage is always a good thing.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 1:51:41 AM EDT

Originally Posted By The_Mocker:
this column is an uncalled for provocation. it could endanger the entire conservative effort to win the hearts and minds of the progressive establishment. it could cause another liberal to say something else rude about conservatives. most unhelpful.


Sorry, first, this column is not a provocation at all, it's a response to provocation. Second, Progressives (note the capitol P) will only become more conservative by way of self realization based on observation of the real world around them. I only know of one Progressive that has "switched sides", and he has made it plain that he made the switch when he saw that his Progressive ideology didn't add up. Progressives aren't going to turn based on what they hear from a conservative because they don't "hear" what conservatives have to say. They automatically dismiss or denigrate anything that doesn't fit their world view. Democrats or liberals who haven't gone through the looking glass into full blown Progressivism are a little easier to turn but they in my experience are slightly harder to reach because they don't pay attention to the broad spectrum political landscape the way Progressives or activist conservatives do. They may have one or two issues that get them fired up but away from those issues they just don't care enough to look for or oppose differing view points.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 4:31:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By rhys898:

Originally Posted By The_Mocker:
this column is an uncalled for provocation. it could endanger the entire conservative effort to win the hearts and minds of the progressive establishment. it could cause another liberal to say something else rude about conservatives. most unhelpful.


Sorry, first, this column is not a provocation at all, it's a response to provocation. Second, Progressives (note the capitol P) will only become more conservative by way of self realization based on observation of the real world around them. I only know of one Progressive that has "switched sides", and he has made it plain that he made the switch when he saw that his Progressive ideology didn't add up. Progressives aren't going to turn based on what they hear from a conservative because they don't "hear" what conservatives have to say. They automatically dismiss or denigrate anything that doesn't fit their world view. Democrats or liberals who haven't gone through the looking glass into full blown Progressivism are a little easier to turn but they in my experience are slightly harder to reach because they don't pay attention to the broad spectrum political landscape the way Progressives or activist conservatives do. They may have one or two issues that get them fired up but away from those issues they just don't care enough to look for or oppose differing view points.

Sarcasm. You missed it.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 4:37:01 AM EDT
that's awesome
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 4:49:26 AM EDT
But I think tramp stamps are hot.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:18:38 AM EDT
Originally Posted By InheritedAnArsenal:
But I think tramp stamps are hot.


On a skank, yes. On my wife, no thanks.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:24:32 AM EDT
I wish he was teaching at UNCW when I was attending college there (twice).
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:28:48 AM EDT
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:32:54 AM EDT
Originally Posted By Fearlessleader01:
I don't agree with all of his beliefs but he pisses off liberals and I respect that.


THis

Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:34:01 AM EDT
I quit reading after he slammed .gov employee's....It's like the Bash Bush train, it is popular, easy and oh sooo cool to do so.





Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:49:46 AM EDT
Originally Posted By The_Mocker:
this column is an uncalled for provocation. it could endanger the entire conservative effort to win the hearts and minds of the progressive establishment. it could cause another liberal to say something else rude about conservatives. most unhelpful.


How appropriate, your username is. That's a clever post if I've seen one.



At the OP's article - while it was enjoyable to read about and I agree with most of his thoughts, I do feel that being intentionally provocative in political situations is not always the best path to take.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 5:57:43 AM EDT
Originally Posted By InheritedAnArsenal:
But I think tramp stamps are hot.


i think tattoos on women are hideous, most especially tramp stamps
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 6:45:09 AM EDT
Originally Posted By AKsala:
He writes like ann coulter. badly.


<––––––––––––––––-DU is that way...
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 6:56:55 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/7/2010 6:57:20 AM EDT by Flamicane]
Originally Posted By Chris_C:
I quit reading after he slammed .gov employee's....It's like the Bash Bush train, it is popular, easy and oh sooo cool to do so.








http://www.hulu.com/watch/144719/saturday-night-live-public-employee-of-the-year
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:05:17 AM EDT
I don't care who he slams or who he pisses off or if he write badly, everyone is so afraid to be bold and he definitely isn't and I applaud him for it. I give him a 10/10 for the point he's trying to get across and another 10/10 for not worrying about repercussion .

"Fortes fortuna adiuvat"
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:06:19 AM EDT
Good read
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:07:59 AM EDT
There’s nothing more annoying than getting a complaint about my gun collection from a feminist with a tattoo on her lower back. I don’t let anyone irresponsible get near my guns so that no one gets killed. When the feminist lets irresponsible men near her tattoos there’s a better chance that someone’s getting aborted.


I laughed so hard I choked when I read this line. The rest of the article was pretty lame, but this was perfect.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:15:11 AM EDT
Originally Posted By thorshammerblow:
that's awesome


Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:19:29 AM EDT
I like the point he's trying to make, but neither my tattoos nor my wife's have caused any abortions. Feminists don't get knocked up with unwanted pregnancies because of their tramp stamps, they get knocked up for spreading their legs every time a swinging d!ck comes along.

We're used to libs blaming guns for murders, not the criminals who pulled the trigger, but never heard anybody blame abortions on tattoos. He's making a valid point about gun ownership, feminists, and the anti-gun folks, but his analogy shows about as much thought as the majority of posts on DU.

I hope he keeps giving away guns, though. Woo hoo!
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 7:27:36 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 9/7/2010 7:27:53 AM EDT by andr3w]
that was great.
i needed the laugh.
Link Posted: 9/7/2010 12:28:19 PM EDT
bump for daywalkers
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