The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's
body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension
man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He
walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of
his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a
check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my
testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like
to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the
measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He
did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis
and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"

"In Vietnam" the general replied.

Six Presidents on a sinking boat:

Ford says: "What do we do?"

Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"

Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"

Carter says: "Women first!"

Nixon says: "Screw the women!"

Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

Very good. [:)]

Guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".

The guy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for example is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just do it.'

That guy at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies!"

The customer looked dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it

over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the

name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks "Why TIMEX?"

"Because, it takes a lickin', and keeps on tickin'."

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a margarita and says,

"So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly says, "FORD, because 'Quality is job one."

Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before

he comes up with a name for his penis.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,

"The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because IT'S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,

BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'"