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Posted: 12/4/2005 7:40:16 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 7:43:45 AM EDT by AyeGuy]
Here are my top three:

Tough guy walking away from explosion in the background

Okay, tough guy, ever heard of SHRAPNEL? No one in real life would calmy walk away from an explosion (of possibly unknown magnitude), so why do they do it on film? For a current example see the commercials for "Syrianna"; tough guy George Cloony walks away from 'sploding car.



Sniper opens case and assembles "take-down" sniper rifle

Do they have any concept of "zero"? No, you are going to put this rifle together out of a box, snap the scope on, and it will be perfectly zeroed... Someone call Myth Busters please...Once on X-Files the Cigarette Smoking Man assembles such a firearm...and it is some kind of a "revolver" rifle!



Sentries standing motionless at doorways

Okay, where did they get this one? I did four years in the Marines and never saw anything like that...and what would the point be? How could you guard something, if you are staring rigidly ahead? The Evildoers would just sneak around beyond your periferal vision. And they have these guys standing at every door way...how many soldiers would that take? How long is the watch? For a current example watch any Stargate episode.



Any others?
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 7:42:29 AM EDT
People who go flying backward when they get shot.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 7:44:32 AM EDT
The constant cocking of a weapon. Shotguns, Lever Action Rifles, Pistols.

Either the bad guy or the good guy, when they want to make a point, the cock their weapon.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 7:44:37 AM EDT
Silenced revolvers.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 7:47:37 AM EDT
Christians are evil morons..........Always

Gun owners are hate filled morons...........Always

Police questioning people without a lawyer present, and when someone wants a lawyer "they must have something to hide"..........

Illegal aliens are the salt of the earth............
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 7:50:03 AM EDT
The dialoge just before the death/killing blow.


The MILLION round magazines in the weapons.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:03:18 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 8:03:56 AM EDT by AyeGuy]

Originally Posted By AmericanPatriot1776:
Christians are evil morons..........Always

Gun owners are hate filled morons...........Always

Police questioning people without a lawyer present, and when someone wants a lawyer "they must have something to hide"..........

Illegal aliens are the salt of the earth............



You missed one:

Southerners are hate filled morons...........Always
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:06:32 AM EDT
Priest who has lost his faith. The only time hollywood will portray a Christian favorably is when he has lost his faith but still has a heart of gold. See any Jodie Foster movie.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:08:13 AM EDT
Pay attention to how many characters are named "Jack"

And how often the last name "Murdoch" is used.



Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:11:28 AM EDT
When the military is portrayed, their hair is always too long and there's always an "evil general"
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:12:19 AM EDT
People who don't use the movie forum
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:13:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AmericanPatriot1776:
Christians are evil morons..........Always

Gun owners are hate filled morons...........Always

Police questioning people without a lawyer present, and when someone wants a lawyer "they must have something to hide"..........

Illegal aliens are the salt of the earth............



Bingo.

Never forget the NRA posters in Lethal weapon, or on the side of the bus in Assassins.

Hell, Assassins is one long leftist rant. Anti-fur. Anti-gun. One ditz wearing a Pro-Choice shirt (just like the ditz in Lethal Weapon).

It's a constant barrage, and it's sickening both in its stupidity and in it's transparency.

Do directors seriously believe we're THAT dumb?
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:20:33 AM EDT
As seen in the recent Mr./Mrs. Smith movie...

SWAT type team taken out one at a time. I refuse to believe with all the training that these guys do that they can be picked off one at a time.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:23:20 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Ciph:
As seen in the recent Mr./Mrs. Smith movie...

SWAT type team taken out one at a time. I refuse to believe with all the training that these guys do that they can be picked off one at a time.



Hollywood bank heist.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:27:17 AM EDT
car chases are ridiculous

especially when a faster, better-handling car doesn't completely pull away from inferior vehicles during the chase
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:28:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 8:30:08 AM EDT by 2manytoys]
I hate hearing "point blank range."It is always mis-used because most people do not know what point blank really means.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:30:52 AM EDT

Originally Posted By 2manytoys:
I hate hearing "point blank range."It is always mis-used because most people do not know what point blank really means.



First I've heard of that.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:30:52 AM EDT
Any non-DA autopistol going 'CLICK...CLICK...CLICK' when empty and without the slide locked back. For some reason this really irks me when it's done with a Glock!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:31:40 AM EDT
Shooting the lock off the door or gate with a handgun.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:32:12 AM EDT
"MOUNT UP, MEN! WE'LL HEAD 'EM OFF AT THE PASS!"
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:32:15 AM EDT

Originally Posted By postpostban:
People who don't use the movie forum






Originally Posted By bblake00:
The dialoge just before the death/killing blow.


The MILLION round magazines in the weapons.



+1! They never reload!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:32:31 AM EDT
Guys getting hit lightly in the head and dropping immediately unconscious.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:32:50 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 8:34:00 AM EDT by DarkNite]

Originally Posted By AyeGuy:
Here are my top three:

Tough guy walking away from explosion in the background

Okay, tough guy, ever heard of SHRAPNEL? No one in real life would calmy walk away from an explosion (of possibly unknown magnitude), so why do they do it on film? For a current example see the commercials for "Syrianna"; tough guy George Cloony walks away from 'sploding car.



Another related one is the Hero outrunning an explosion to get around a corner, close a door, jump a bridge on a motorcycle, etc. Explosion shockwaves travel in the thousands of feet per second range. The one where Air Force One just lifts off OVER a rolling explosion in 'Independence Day' really pisses me off!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:33:36 AM EDT
Awww come on guys, cut stargate some slack? If they really had shit like that you'd bet damn sure there had armed men all around ready to whoop ass. Cost aside why risk letting anyone get ahold of the stargate
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:35:47 AM EDT
handguns making 'cocking' sounds whenever someone points it, moves it, etc...
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:37:49 AM EDT

Originally Posted By AyeGuy:

Sniper opens case and assembles "take-down" sniper rifle

Do they have any concept of "zero"? No, you are going to put this rifle together out of a box, snap the scope on, and it will be perfectly zeroed... Someone call Myth Busters please...Once on X-Files the Cigarette Smoking Man assembles such a firearm...and it is some kind of a "revolver" rifle!



My AR-10 retains its' zero when I mate upper and lower then pop the Leupy 4.5-14 in the Larue SR-25 mount on it.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:37:59 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 8:38:55 AM EDT by Gibby]
Police officer racking the slides on thier service weapons before they break down a door, or get out of thier car. Or the type of pistol changing and then changing back.

And Hookers are always hot!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:42:32 AM EDT
Sparky bullets and bullets that go peowwwwwwwwnnnnggggg
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 8:45:31 AM EDT
Squealing tires, no matter how fast, slow, or what type of road surface. I saw some corny movie once where they had the 'squealing tires' sound effect with the car on gravel.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:07:59 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Greenhorn:
"MOUNT UP, MEN! WE'LL HEAD 'EM OFF AT THE PASS!"


[Headley Lamar] Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché. [/Headley Lamar]

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:08:35 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Gibby:
Police officer racking the slides on thier service weapons before they break down a door, or get out of thier car. Or the type of pistol changing and then changing back.


The bad guy sits there and explains to the good guy why he is about to be killed by the bad guy. Bad guy has weapon pointed in the face of good guy, who sits there obediently waiting to die.

Then when bad guy makes move to kill good guy, he finally chambers a round
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:16:01 AM EDT
Cheeze Movies that show the bullets flying through the air with casing and all..
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:24:05 AM EDT

Originally Posted By bblake00:
The dialoge just before the death/killing blow.


The MILLION round magazines in the weapons.



and often this drawn out bunch of cliches is merely the opportunity for salvation. It's a hard cliche to kill.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:24:09 AM EDT
The incredible ease with which WMD and nuclear launch codes are had access to.

Remember "Under Siege" with Segal? Yeah, the nuclear launch codes are going to be in the CO's personal safe. Right.

The only thing good about that movie (other than the action) was the TITS!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:25:25 AM EDT
I saw some corny movie once where they had the 'squealing tires' sound effect with the car on gravel.

I used to win alot on bets by squealing my tires on gravel roads. Yes the do squeal. Why????? whats a road made out of?? small rocks and tar (ok concrete to) whats a gravel road made of???? small rocks and dirt , what causes the squeal?? tires on rock, be they held in tar or dirt.here the rocks have to stay put when the tire spins on them, it wont work if the tire dig up the rocks.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 9:38:40 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 9:43:34 AM EDT by flatfender]
Whenever a microphone is used it has feedback (squeals).

Whenever they go to a outdoor wilderness scene, a hawk screams.

The countdown timer on the bomb has great big numbers.

You can see the Eiffel Tower from any window in Paris.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 10:12:33 AM EDT
1)SWAT teams roll up on a moments notice in a large panel van stocked with stacked weapons and full of guys in baseball hats fatigues and bloused combat boots

2) a. If you shoot a million round submachine at a good guy you will always miss and hit windows and computers and snack foods instead.
b. The hero will always kill multiple assault weapon-armed bad guys with a revolver or 9mm pistol.
c. The pistol will need to be racked repeatedly and cocked at every dramtic moment

3) Good guy scientists work in dark decrepit labs whiel bad guy scientists work in large clean modern shiny evil big corporate labs

4)A cop or soldier will always get killed 5 minutes before he is to retire/rotate home

5) Illegal immigrants are saintly poor people that just want to cross the border for a better life.

6) a. Only someone who has been in prison or kicked out of the service is qualified for any dangerous mission
b. Once on that mission he WILL be double crossed by the CIA or .Gov officials

7) The US government is always always always always the bad guy.

8) a.There are NO computer passwords that cannot be cracked in about 60 seconds Unix, Windows, doesnt matter.
while typing on a computer, when the letters appear they will make a sound like an old dot matrix printer

9) If you are a criminal trying to go straight only a threat to your family will get you to commit another crime

10) the character that follows the rules and obeys orders is an asshole, and he is always outdone by the maverick rule breaker hero .

11) people never have to lock their car doors or roll up windows.

12) The dad is always a helpless/hapless idiot while mom is wise and all knowing.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 10:28:53 AM EDT
-Bullets fail to penetrate whatever someone is hiding behind, even if is is an box

-there is always a convenient pile of empty boxes for someone to land on or a car to crash through

-the good guys always get a 'flesh wound' that doesn't really hurt or heals up fast

-everyone always aims low and hits the ground in front of whoever is running
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:11:25 PM EDT
The behind the glass shots. Somebody on the other side of the window gets shot, falls against the glass, then slowly collapses,sliding down the window, while trailing blood onto the glass from the exit wounds on his back.

As if the the bullets that just perforated the guy wouldn't break the glass behind him.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:14:02 PM EDT

Originally Posted By DarkNite:
Any non-DA autopistol going 'CLICK...CLICK...CLICK' when empty and without the slide locked back. For some reason this really irks me when it's done with a Glock!



I hate the sound of cocking or uncocking the "hammer", on a glock.

I also hate when characters are able to keep shooting, after the slide is locked back.

Oooh. Pistols that are not full auto, that have full auto sound effects.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:16:06 PM EDT

Originally Posted By bblake00:
The dialoge just before the death/killing blow.


The MILLION round magazines in the weapons.



"you caught me monolouging"!
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:18:37 PM EDT
Someone typing at a computer terminal in a darkened room will have the words they are typing appear on their face as reflections from the monitor.

The password you need to hack into the computer system is always on a nearby poster or photograph, or under the telephone.

No matter what information you need to remove from the recently hacked into computer, it will fit on one floppy diskette.

Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:19:42 PM EDT
Happy and/or predictable endings.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:22:19 PM EDT
How about when the cornered bad guy empties his clip at the good guy and is out of ammo? And then what does he do? . . . . . . . .

Throws the empty pistol at the good guy and the good guy violently jumps out the way like the gun was dipped in acid.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 12:25:27 PM EDT
1. When an SMG runs out of ammo, and you STILL hear the "click click click click click click"

2. Silenced revolvers of the Hawaii Five-O style

3. Arbitrary blinking lights and sounds in sniper scopes
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:06:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 1:11:27 PM EDT by AyeGuy]
Three more, optics related:

Binocular "figure eight"

Crap, has no producer ever LOOKED through a binocular? So instead of one circular image we get...what? TWO circles, slightly overlapping. Some optics theoretician please explain to me how that works.



Reticles

Here we get everything from automatically targeting brackets to range numbers. Many times there is not anything at all in the center of the sight picture; in Hollywoodland all you got to do is bracket the target and the magic bullet will do the rest.



Lasers

The SWAT guys can put a dozen red dots on a guy to intimidate him...but when they try to shoot the hero, 100 of them will miss...


*****
Well things ARE improving...they have finally figured out that "infra-red" scopes DO NOT have red sight pictures!

But, what Hollwood give with one hand they taketh away with the other...so Thermal Imagers also have green images, just like they were IR scopes...
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:10:08 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 12/4/2005 1:11:19 PM EDT by Cypher214]
Loaded pump shotguns that never eject a shell when pumped.

Cops who tuck their sidearm into the waistband of their jeans and head off to work.

Cops who kill a dozen bad guys in one shoot out and never have to do paperwork, take a leave of absence, or appear in court.

Super expensive break-down sniper rifles that are needed to make a 50 yard shot.

Guy gets slashed in a knife fight and it is always a small cut that can be fixed by wrapping a piece of shirt around it.

The good guy always assumes those 5 center mass shots killed the bad guy but the bad guy ALWAYS comes back to life. If I ever have an arch-nemesis that I finally kill I will shoot him 5 times in the head, cut off his arms, legs, and what's left of his head, then set his body on fire just to make sure the bastard doesn't come back.

Cars that ALWAYS roll over somehow during a chase.

At a funeral, the casket is always lowered while the people are standing there watching. I have been to several funerals and this has never happened.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:14:20 PM EDT
Somewhat related: 152 rules for being an Evil Overlord:

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artefact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-off that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery, which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All-important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters that work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organisation. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast, which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBook’s.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!” I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits, which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with public ally available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."


86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticising each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance; I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

106. If my supreme command centre comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defences from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character that has given up his/her life through self-sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralised by relatively inconspicuous talisman.

113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

118. If I have equipment that performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

121. If I come into possession of an artefact that can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter, who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son, who works in the same field, but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof death-trap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantagepoint or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily, spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. Its regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

135. My doomsday machine will have a highly advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there is any valid military expenditure that could use the extra budget.

138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honour.

144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be they will be immediately vaporised instead of brought in for salvage.

147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

150. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

151. If I make a zombie out of one of the heroes, rather than killing him, I will not put him in a position where he will make ANY contact with his friends, lest he remember them and turn against me, or they learn how to free all my zombies by freeing him.

152. If I corrupt any of the heroes and turn them to the "Dark Side," I will not tell them to prove their loyalty by killing their former friends or family members.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:31:12 PM EDT
1. Incredible muzzle flashes when weapons are fired full auto.

2. Amazing pyrotechnics from hand grenades.

3. Flare guns. Is their some reason why the US Military
hasn't adopted them as standard issue? In Hollywood,
they seem to be capable of just about anything.

4, Unbelievable accuracy from unaimed weapons.
I especially love it when some a-hole can shoot
accurately using the bladed "ghetto" stance while
firing a handgun.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:33:30 PM EDT
Motorcycle rants:

Honda four stroke dirt bikes (XR500's, XR600's,etc.) are the most used bikes in movies. If you've heard a big bore Four stroke, you know the distinctive sound they make. Why do they always run a sound track of a 2 stroke?I saw one movie where the bike was a 2 stroke, & they ran a 4 stroke sound track. WTF!?

This applies to cars as well as bikes. During a chase scene, cars & bikes have their own "bottomless mag" syndrome. It seems like they all must have 5,000 speed gear boxes, since they are shifting every second.

Another bike rant. Why must every one who is chased while on a motorcycle compelled to do wheelies all the time? Sheesh, give me a break.
Link Posted: 12/4/2005 1:40:35 PM EDT

Originally Posted By streetfighter:
Sparky bullets and bullets that go peowwwwwwwwnnnnggggg



I thought that was fake too but that sound can actually be heard with some ricochets.
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