LOL, good reading EB. You are spot on brother.

Steve D

are we there yet?

And people ask me why I would rather drive than fly for business travel.   Ernie, good post.

I used to fly A LOT. Several times a month. After 9/11, things got more and more insane. It was never this annoying before. Just FYI, after getting a pat down, don't loudly ask the TSA agent how much you owe him for the hand job.

I don't fly anymore. I'm tired of giving up my 4th Amendment rights just to get on an airplane. Metal detector is one thing, but when your choice is the cancer machine or to be sexually assaulted by a TSA agent, it simply goes too far.

This mirrors my experiences and my life choices exactly.

funny stuff. I always go with the TSA agent search. I like to whisper vulgar disgusting comments they alone can hear.

I've already told my wife that if we ever need to fly somewhere for some reason, we better get to the airport waaay early, because if I don't get myself arrested, I'm certainly going to get myself "delayed." I'm not going to have some old guy feel up my junk again, and if I see a TSA agent sexually molesting a child, I'm going to make a major fucking fuss.

You should have seen the stink I made 9/14 when they allowed flights again. I was in California trying to escape back to Las Vegas, and this TSA agent took my laptop and started rummaging through it out of my sight. I told her that she damn well better bring that laptop back into view, and since it is government owned equipment and there may be export controlled material, she damn well better not be a foreign national. She looked at me utterly stunned, and the airport got so quiet you could hear a pin drop. So the national guard guy came up with his M16 and started this "What is the problem here?!" crap, and I let him know that I didn't give that person permission to rummage through my shit, and certainly not out of view, and I asked her again if she was a US citizen or a foreign national. The supervisor then appeared and asked what was going on, and I told him what had transpired and asked again if she was a foreign national, to which she finally admitted she was.

Whoa-fucking-boy, didn't I get a bunch more national guardsmen and cops jogging over, all excited that they might get to shoot someone. The supervisor realized a shit storm was about to happen, as I bitched about a foreign national being in charge of security, rummaging through my laptop intentionally out of view as if she was planting something. So the supervisor asked if it would be OK if he checked my laptop, in which I said that would be fine so long as he isn't a foreign national. So as he is rummaging through, I asked what the hell he was looking for anyway, and he said a knife showed up on the xray. Oh really? Turns out the best they could tell it was just a coupe of AA batteries.

Sooo, they let me go through, but had a National Guardsman follow me to keep an eye on what I was doing. I sat down in front of him, pulled out my copy of Shotgun News, and had a nice relaxing read.

And that colored my airplane experiences from that point on. Remarkably, I never managed to get on a no-fly list.

Oh, and by the way... Remember when they were doing that thing where they "randomly" picked people at the gate during boarding to have the contents of their carry on bags dumped on a table in front of everyone? Turns out those effeminate male flight attendants back down real quick when you look them in the eye and calmly say, "Don't even fucking think about it."

Those gateside searches were easily gamed if you printed boarding cards online and put yourself in the right group (A, B or C if I remember correctly) with a little judicious editing. But I completely refuse to fly now unless it's on private planes.  When they started tossing out nail clippers I threw in the towel.  Can't say I miss the security theater.

As far as I know none of my episodes led me to be placed on the no-fly list, but then again I haven't been on a commercial flight in just about eight years so who knows

Ernie,

I share your frustration. That was very well put together and funnier than shit!

I just did a flight to Dubai and back a couple of weeks ago and I gotta tell you, I become more and more amazed at the idiots who fly.  I used to hate TSA, but I'm beginning to think if the average person flying wasn't such a fucking retard - we'd have less problems getting though security.  I swear, I was behind an oriental chick (I know... racist) who set the metal detector off right in front of me 5 times in a row as she kept forgetting what metal shit she had all over her.  And then the idiots who carry water bottles through, and don't take off their shoes, belts or jackets and don't take their laptops out.  You have to have been living under a fucking rock for the last 10 years to not know what to do to get through security efficiently.  So its hard to blame the minimum wage TSA dude for being a dick after having to put up with absolute retards for 8 hours a day, every day.  

Fortunately, my company paid for business class for the whole trip - so that made it somewhat better.  It may sound elitist - but you seem to get far fewer idiots up front than in cattle class.  

[rant off/]

You missed out on the one in San Francisco where a black college football star was arrested by SFPD because he refused to pull his sagging pants up before boarding his flight. They roughed him up so bad his college career is pretty much over...cops busted and twisted his knee before they took him to county jail. That's what cha get for fighting with the police at the airport. This was last week.

Amen Ernie.

I travel twice a month for work, and I see all manner of stupid crap at the airport. I get so tired of people nailing me with their 3 rolling bags of "carry on" as they try and stuff their 60 lb bag into the overhead compartment! I make a point of bringing only my efficiently packed back back aboard. Anything else I require gets put below in the CARGO hold. And I have whatever I need to stay busy for the duration of the flight in my hot little hands as I board the plane. Walk in, place back pack in compartment, and sit down. Not difficult! And piss before they start boarding!
It never fails that a stewardess will ask me to put my backpack under my seat to make room for other passengers' bags. I feel like a prick saying it, but my response is always "I'm sorry ma'am, but that's what the bottom of the plane is for." There isn't enough legroom as it is!


And then deplaning! Jesus! Don't these people notice they are holding up an entire plane full of people as they reorganize their crap in the aisle? I pray to God I never have to do an emergency evac, because we are all doomed.

I'm generally pretty mild mannered, but I get ornery on planes!

entirely to familiar ernie. i'm glad those days for me are over.
6

I don't necessarily consider the wholesale violation of our 4th Amendment rights nothing. Nor do I consider having to practically undress in the terminal nothing. And I certainly don't consider being felt up by some old man nothing.

Sure, when I flew all the time, I got in a rhythm of having everything ready. I don't expect people, who aren't used to flying, not knowing the procedure when they suddenly find themselves in a George Orwell book. I'll just fucking drive.

Amen.

and for the love of god people , the rows on the plane are in numerical order...if you have to stop at each row and compare what is on your ticket to the # of the row , chances are you are probably on the wrong dam plane....... I mean after seeing 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5...doesn't the pattern start to click in ? Don't need a secret decoder ring to figure that one out Copernicus....

People movers  , stand left , walk right..just like they drive in Vegas.......oh wait....maybe not

I traveled for business for 5 years , sometimes 3-4 flights a week.....watching people is a blast in airports. People do the dumbest things....must be where comedians get all their material.

I would hire some kind of true security people.
I would make sure they were totally un pc as far as current trends ) IE racial profiling
I would have some sort of certification that certain travelers could carry some type of weapon.

Time and time again I hear from people i deeply trust that if we had competent people in charge that werent hogtied by policies and politicians that they could do some real good.

What the hell does the height of my pants have to do with flying?  Looks like that kid will get a nice settlement.  Screw up my knee, athlete or not, and I'll come at the State with a law suit.  No right to tell me how to dress to get on a plane.



 

I think it's funny when the plane stops and people in all 20 rows stand up...as if everyone will grab their stuff, form a nice orderly line and exit the plane in an organized manner.



I think my favorite is the guy who walks three rows BEHIND his to store his gear...then he wants to walk against traffic to grab his shit...and I'm the jerk who wants to get off the plane.



 

Actually they do have that right. Most, if not all airlines have published policies regarding passengers behavior and appearance.



Yep, this is one of my favorites as well.  Like this dimwit's time is so much more valuable than the 10 people he is climbing over to get to his or her bag.

GGOD POSTS ERNIE................then try it with a knee replacement, People wonder why I am driving to Niaraga falls this fall, course I love the road, got the time and it's not for business.

Try it with piercings. :D



 

OP didn't state if the AIRLINE had told him.  I assumed it was SFPD walking around SFO that told him....side note....it's ILLEGAL for a cab driver to refuse you a ride from SFO.  It came in handy one drunken night and $7 later...and again when a friend's plane was delayed and he landed around 1a,