Effective January 2008  

Dress Code

It is advised that you  come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes  and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

If you dress poorly, you  need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,  and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

If you dress just right,  you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay  raise.  

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a  doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the  doctor, you are able to come to work.  

Personal Days

Each employee will receive  104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday &  Sunday.  

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for  missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or  co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the  arrangements.

In rare cases where employee  involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently  leave one hour early.  

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is  being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the  cubicles.

At the end of three  minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle  door will open, and your picture will be taken.

After your second  offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in  the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.  

Lunch  Break

Skinny people get 30  minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look  healthy.

Normal size people get 15  minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average  figure.

Chubby people get 5  minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a  Slim-Fast.
 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide  a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions,  comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,

HR  Department

Quoted: Effective January 2008   <<snip>> HR  Department

ODT had you proofread that too?

They forgot Special High Itensity Training.  

Every employee should receive Special High Intensity Training at least once a day.