Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds of Morning Murders
CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm
that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely
continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically
behind schedule, public authorities announced.
“As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public
transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that
Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of
Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy
blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning
at peak murder times.
“Unfortunately,we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we
hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize
to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and
assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings
by the early afternoon.”
At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in
many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on
Chicago’s South Side.