MERRY CHRISTMAS

`Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding,
As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading.
The empties from autumn were polished so clear
For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer

And Hornady's soft-points, and Nosler's Partitions
(MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!)
All sat in their boxes, right next to the press
With dies from Pacific, and RCBS

When all of a sudden there came such a jolt,
I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt.
As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf
I scrambled for cover, just to pro-tect myself

From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting
Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting!
I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto
With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto

Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
"It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!"

I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide,
To find St. Nick a'shivvering, Rudolph by his side
He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval
"You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."

"But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you
Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you"
Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow
My .357, 'till day after tomorrow

"It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration.
"I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association"
He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating
"I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"

"And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous
"Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us
"So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin'
"I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'

"And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot
"I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot!
"Now, Rudy and I must be on our way"
He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh

With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket
He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket
With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare
I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear

As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling
"From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling
"To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta
"I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"

'Twas the night before Kwanzaa, and all through the slum,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a bum.
The children had braided their cornrows with care,
In the hope that Saint Malcolm would soon be there.

The Crips and the Bloods made their holiday peace;
The protesters protested: "Fuck tha' police!"
The Jews and Koreans hid under their beds,
While visions of rioters danced in their heads.

In a crackhouse, some pipeheads were lighting a rock,
When all of a sudden there came a loud knock.
And what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Los Angeles' finest in full riot gear!

Boards fell from the doorway and crashed to the floor,
And landed in front of a twelve year old whore.
The cops went to work with their nightsticks in hand,
Swinging at skulls as the Africans ran.

A beating ensued as they tried to escape,
But nobody got it on videotape.
A loud cry was heard as they managed to flee:
"Merry Christmas, you punks, from the L.A.P.D.!"


Stay Safe,
Greg Sullivan "Sully"
Chief Instructor
www.thedefensiveedge.com

For the Legal Types:

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Legal Version

(Legal Version) Author Unknown Whereas, on or about the night prior
to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures
therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot
apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the
chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St.
Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime
thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were
engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of
confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or
sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of
the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a
sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior
notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property
adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption
of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part
did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of
such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe,
with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through
the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle

appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said
Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-
conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder
and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is
further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have
been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the
Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of
several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a

red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,
and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be
tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health
regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with
toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however,
constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of
the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of
his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the
departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the

first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and
to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

Stay Safe,
Greg Sullivan "Sully"
Chief Instructor
www.thedefensiveedge.com