LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and disbelief swept
through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor
power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone and local
residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.
The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee and
Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi
restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many
businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its
blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said out of work actor
and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose
when it hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my
Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly."
In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting
reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief
supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally
meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 years old and we
heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running.
If she doesn't get a venti Arabian _Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's
going to happen to her, I really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los
Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get
coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners
"Sugar in the Raw? Are you frigging kidding me?," sobbed local
homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South
Beach Diet and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this.
Why isn't the rest of the country doing something?"
Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the
thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale
shopping centers, including the The Beverly Center, where a policeman
told CNN unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern that the
situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple "So You
Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free
makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.
At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a
bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered
at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit
bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The
Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant told a group of embedded
reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, "The
scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend.
Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal
Studios has been on hold for almost an hour now and I've been waiting
for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of greens beans for upwards
of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."
"We want to accommodate those people suffering in the Beverly Center as
quickly as possible for the simple reason they have been through a
horrible ordeal," Grant said.
"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha
Owens, 49 who was one of the thousands trapped in the Beverly Center
when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending
somebody through here."
Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to
lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing Direct
TV service to work only intermittently and forcing local residents to
walk outside and look helplessly at the Pacific from their ocean view
decks. "I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said
longtime Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein. "I was just getting
into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie
Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players when my Power
Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing."
Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House,
President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional
active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised
"But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a
crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created
tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our citizens
simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood
Hills, and that is unacceptable."
It's missing something about Bush responding within minutes to help the non-negros GGM!
Boy that is really terrible what happened in L.A. In my neighborhood, a suburb of L.A. in the San Gabreil Valley 10 miles east of Los Angeles which is not served by L.A. Dept of Water & Power, but by SCE. We lost power on Sunday, 9/11 because a tree branch feel down on a power pole and demoolished a power transformer from 8pm to 2am. It was kind of interesting trying do things by battery power lights. We TV of course thru a battery power portable. I have a battery powered lap-top but no internet connection. We didn't skip a beat.