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Posted: 10/13/2005 8:16:20 PM EDT
<whiny rant>

I'm very frustrated right now.  I'll try to do my best to explain.

I have to preface this with: I'm not a violent person.  I don't pick fights,  I don't hit my kid, I never beat my (now ex) wife, ETC, as I think that kind of thing is screwed up.

I've always been the type of person to remove myself from violent situations (run away some might say) rather than throw down.  Several situations from my childhood come to mind.

One time at a school function, a kid decided to pick on me.  He was slapping me and tormenting me.  I cowered for the first bit of it, then without thinking, I knocked him off of the bleachers.  Instead of beating the shit out of him, I ran away and left the situation behind me.

Another time was similar in where a kid was picking on me, hitting me, ETC.  Again I cowered from him until I snapped.  I happened to have a large flashlight in my hand and I decked him in the head with it.  Instead of beating the shit out of him, I ran away.

I can come up with tons of examples, both more subtle and more severe, of the above described situations.

Many people would call me a pussy and say that I don't stand up for myself and that I run away from adversity.  It sure seems to be true.

In my adult years, I've found myself in a weird state of mind.  I don't mind rough housing and all that, but I find myself getting REALLY pissed off when someone hits me.  It doesn't matter if it's man, woman, or child.  Tickling, poking, and horsing around doesn't bother me, in fact I find it to be a rather good time, but when someone hits me, even in fun, I find myself getting very angry.  Angry to the point that I'm ready to hit them back in a big way.  I've never actually done it, but the urge is there and it is sometimes very strong.  It's like there is this fine line between fun and "too rough".

This bothers me a lot.  Recently I was horsing around with a person for whom I care about very much, and at one point, the person gave me a couple of pretty solid shot to the shoulder.  They didn't hurt or anything, but for some reason, they seemed like they were meant to.  Anyway, I immediately went from fun-time mode to pissed-off-beyond-all-belief mode.  I had this very strong urge at the moment to knock the person on their ass right then and there.

Thank god I didn't do it.  Instead I excused myself from the situation and took some cooling off time.

I know this is my own personal problem and not anything that my friend did wrong, but what am I supposed to do about this?  I'd hate to think that someday I'll just flip out and start gunning down people in the street.

I'm tired of feeling like a complete push over.  I'm tired of being that person that lets everyone walk all over him.  What the heck am I supposed to do?

</whiny rant>
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:23:06 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:29:58 PM EDT
Yeah, well it's never turned to violence, although it has turned to beer on plenty of occasions, which isn't very healthy.

I'm just tired of that "run away" mentality that you just mentioned.  That's always been my reaction to situations and I'm sick of it.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:34:51 PM EDT
What, you feel bad about wanting to cream somebody? Get used to it. It's OK to decide that it bothers you and you don't want to deal with feeling like fucked up shit for days after you do it.

Just remember to stay cool. If it was an easy thing to do, they never would had to pass laws against violence. When something happens, use your good qualities to gain contol. "Whoa dude, nice punch, but you're killing me...."

Otherwise, don't play physical games if you know where it's going to take you. Playing or not, it's still violence and adults need to get passed those things. We pay a higher price and the interest is a bitch.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:39:20 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:42:42 PM EDT

Originally Posted By OdT:
In all honesty, I think theres an anger management issue... even as much as I hate to put that label on anyone anywhere.

I'd recommend some books that address asertiveness and confidence, and see if they provide some paths to ponder for you. Hey, it's safer than beer, and cheaper than therapy..... worth a shot.[

There are many avenues to explore for you, just remember that above all...... there's ALWAYS another option than violence....always.




This is just about what I was going to say. But take an in-class anger management course. You will learn some skills you did not know were possible. I'm speaking from experience.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:48:27 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 8:48:52 PM EDT
Wow, you really got some good advice already.  But I would add that if you think you feel bad about "running" from fights, think how bad you will feel when you hurt someone that was "just playing".  A boxer expects to get hit, to get mad about it would be poor sportsmanship.  Save the anger, or revenge, for the next time you are really a victim, and then defend yourself, in a legal, and practical manner.  Certainly you are not alone in how you feel, but remember that you will always want to take the high road and be proud of yourself.
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 9:02:11 PM EDT
There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Anger is a human trait, its how you deal with it that decides your fate.

Those who simply annoy you or get on your nerves, tell them to stfu and keep on movin. Its the ones who really push you to the edge that are the ones you have to avoid, lest ye do something stupid or regrettable.

I try and keep myself out of situations that I know put me around people who raise my blood pressure, i.e., I dont go to libtard rallies.





Dr. OdT, is it anger mangement or this?



Link Posted: 10/13/2005 9:05:25 PM EDT


As I get older, I don't seem to have the patience I did even  5 years ago. It's weird because, as a kid I had a VERY short fuse. Then around 13, I became an introvert, and it was almost impossible to get me to lose my temper, but once I did, it was a nasty thing to see. I still have the temper, and it can get bad if I let it.

I try to balance it out by venting more often, let off some steam a few times a month so I don't have those really big blowups.

I'm something of a homebody, mostly because our current money situation is not as good as I'd like. I can't afford to go out with friends as much as I used to. I love getting out to the shoots with the guys, but it's not always possible, I missed the last GF shoot, we just didn't have the extra money.

IMO, you need an outlet. Something to take out your frustrations on. A heavy bag works for me. Hang it up in the garage, and punch the living sh*t out of it when you need to.

A lot of my toys were purchased(when we have money) for the purpose of relaxing. My road bike is one of the best outlets I have. When I'm riding, it's just the bike and me, and all my attention is on the ride. There's no time to stress about anything else when your riding twisty roads at 60mph. I get a 2 or 3 hour break from reality.

You just have to find those things that you enjoy, or are stress releiving for you and take time, even if it's just for a few minutes a day to do them.

It also helps to have an understanding Wife. I'm fortunate that when I tell Cassie that i need some time away, she doesn't get insecure about it and freak out. She just says "see you in a couple hours."

Speaking of Cassie, the thought of her, and how lucky I am helps me keep my sanity too. I really don't tell her enough how much I appreciate her and love her.

I think I'll go do that now.

Good Luck, MrSparkle!
Link Posted: 10/13/2005 9:39:09 PM EDT
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 12:10:21 AM EDT
Maybe you need to sit back and look at what is really making your fuse short... WORK? relationships? goals not reached bills ect... Maybe a small change in your path will resolve this. Ask friends that are close to you what they see. Be open minded if they answer.

Works for me
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 7:38:31 AM EDT
Just saw this one,

You sound fine to me MrSparkle, just tired of taking abuse with no response. Have some fun and get out the frustration at the same time. Take up boxing. You don't even need to take a class to begin, only a heavy bag and perhaps a book on the subject. Unlike other martial arts, boxing encourages contact. Heck, you may have already boxed some as a kid. An hour whomping that bag helps keep you in shape, and vents pent up hostility really well.

Link Posted: 10/14/2005 7:42:03 AM EDT
I've actually thought of taking up boxing in the past, although it was more for the exercise aspect of it.  I can see how it might help one take out their frustrations.  Are there any boxing gyms around the Tacoma area?

I DO have some outlets, they just aren't always available when I need them.  I guess that's just life though.
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 8:00:50 AM EDT
I guess I don't understand your post well enough to give you any advice.

This person you care about - is it a man or a woman?  

Why did this person hit you? Was it just sporting around and you got hit hard enough to set you off or was this person engaging in a fight with you?

Patty
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 8:17:36 AM EDT

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
I guess I don't understand your post well enough to give you any advice.

This person you care about - is it a man or a woman?  

Why did this person hit you? Was it just sporting around and you got hit hard enough to set you off or was this person engaging in a fight with you?

Patty



It really doesn't seem to matter who it is.  We were just sporting around like you said and I just got whacked hard enough that it pushed one of my buttons.  It certainly wasn't out of any sort of bad intentions on their part as far as I can tell.

I just do NOT like being hit, in fact until I feel pretty comfortable with a person, I don't even want to be touched for the most part.  I don't want to come off as completely psycho.  It's not like I have to wash up after shaking hands, I'm just not a touchy feely sort of person.

I'm full of issues already, I guess I just found another one.  
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 8:37:37 AM EDT
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 8:44:28 AM EDT
Yeah, I've recently started riding again, and it's one of the most relaxing things I've found.  I just have to learn to dodge the rain drops.  hehe.

I've found that I can burn up hours just working in the yard (I have plenty of yard to work on).

When all else fails, I can usually burn a few calories pounding on my drums.


One of my concerns is that lately, I only seem to feel relaxed when I'm at home by myself and keeping my mind occupied with something (above mentioned yard work, drums, ETC).

Hiding at home alone feels an awful lot like "running away", which is what I'm trying to stop doing.
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 9:05:33 AM EDT

Originally Posted By MrSparkle:

Originally Posted By pattymcn:
I guess I don't understand your post well enough to give you any advice.

This person you care about - is it a man or a woman?  

Why did this person hit you? Was it just sporting around and you got hit hard enough to set you off or was this person engaging in a fight with you?

Patty



It really doesn't seem to matter who it is.  We were just sporting around like you said and I just got whacked hard enough that it pushed one of my buttons.  It certainly wasn't out of any sort of bad intentions on their part as far as I can tell.

I just do NOT like being hit, in fact until I feel pretty comfortable with a person, I don't even want to be touched for the most part.  I don't want to come off as completely psycho.  It's not like I have to wash up after shaking hands, I'm just not a touchy feely sort of person.

I'm full of issues already, I guess I just found another one.  



All right, fair enough.  I think you have to look at it more scientifically if you will.  Its natural for someone who has been hit to have an adreilyn rush stimulated from being hit, particularly if you hadn't been hit much before [for an example, I was a human punching bag growing up with two older brotheres.  By the time I left home I was not only used to being hit, could deliver a good punch myself for a girl].

Most likely what your preceiving as anger is truly the rush your body shoots through you to protect you from a would be attacker.  If you're just playing around, rather than allowing yourself to be "Mad" tell yourself that your just "anxious" and also put your hands up to your friend and tell them you don't like goofing around like that.

Some people are more rock en sock em types.  Some aren't.  IF its a friend and you put your hands up and say "Hey, lets not play like this" they'll stop and move on.  We all have our quirks - a quirk like this isn't a huge deal.  

My brothers to this day still wrestle around and goof off.  They Indain wrestle, play slap hands all kinds of stuff -- its perfectly fine for them, but that doesn't mean they should subject that type of behavior on their friends, especially if it makes their friends uncomfortable.  

I would also point out - just because your a man doesn't mean you have to be the rock em sock em type.  Don't start playing that game in your head.  Just accept - you don't like it and move on.

Patty
Link Posted: 10/14/2005 10:13:06 AM EDT
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