Originally Posted By Cherry_45:
Gunchyck and I were having a friendly discussion about girls peeing standing up and somebody gave it the old "IBTL." Why do you guys type this? Isn't that what the moderators are for?
Women have finally achieved true equality with the invention of a device that helps them pee while completely upright. Monica Dux reports.
What woman failed to be a little bit excited by the news of a revolutionary new device reported in this newspaper last week? First trialled at the UK's Glastonbury music festival, and making its local debut at Sunday's Big Day Out, this ingenious technology offers women a new equality with men at such crowded public events. Crudely put, it enables a woman to stand and deliver. The gadget in question is a simple paper cup and tube which, when placed against the lady's privates, creates a spill-free passageway into what one assumes will become known as the Lady Pit. This device will give women at the Big Day Out more time listening to bands and mingling with friends, saving them from the drudge of the toilet line-up, and the degrading moments of intimacy with a rancid porta-loo.
The contraption is as yet unnamed, and one wonders what the patent holder will come up with. Names such as the "Freedom Funnel", the "Ladies' Loop", or the "Southern Fascinator" come to mind. For my money, and for the sake of this article, I'll call it the "Vertical Enabler", or "Enabler" for short.
Right up there with the introduction of antiseptics in childbirth, the advent of the contraceptive pill, and the phasing out of the belt-constrained sanitary napkin, the Enabler promises to deliver untold benefits to women the world over, at least as far as number ones are concerned.
Who can now foresee the impact that the Enabler will have on the dayto- day lives of future Australian women? Will the Compact Enabler (so discrete that it can fit neatly into even the most dainty of handbags) become as essential as the innovative G-string pantyliner? Or the Beach Enabler: colourful, fun, UV-protected and in a convenient three-pack, so that one never need step off the sand. Will a generation of mothers substitute their daughters' first bra fitting ritual for a "My Very First Enabler" excursion? And will the Disposable Enabler be biodegradable?
Getting back to the Big Day Out, I wonder if this lucky young generation, while peeing upright with gay abandon, will spare a thought for those pioneers who stood proud a decade before them. I'm talking here about their slightly older sisters who first attempted the upright pee, sans technology, in the 1990s, with little success but much good intent.
The late-night squatting pee behind a parked car is of course ubiquitous to all generations, but in the balmy summer of 1990 a Standing Sisterhood of young girls across inner-city Melbourne, high on two semesters of undergraduate feminist theory, developed (so we thought) a technique with which the lady could pee while standing.
I believe this daring experiment was inspired by de Beauvoir's The Second Sex, a text which told us all that sitting and not standing was what had gone wrong with our self-esteems. This, then, was our political performance - our chance to reach true gender equality. Admittedly, our method was primitive: the lady would simply part the waves, so to speak, lean back, let fly and hope for the best. The women of my generation went forward with courage and conviction, but also unfortunately with a complete disregard for biological reality (nature, after all, was a patriarchal construct).
Hence the Stand and Deliver enjoyed only a brief moment of glory, as did my then highly fashionable Puma suede-top trainers, which did not survive my own contribution to the cause.
Hearing about the Enabler took me right back to those heady days. It also raised a few questions. Why had no one thought of this before? Is this yet another example of the Evil Patriarchy binding women to the seat? I imagined uncountable numbers of similarly intentioned prototypes being passed up by male manufacturers, happy to keep women firmly within the cubicle, and out of the sacred domain of the urinal.
Fleeting as my own contribution was, I feel proud to know that on Sunday, a new generation of young women will finally break through, standing tall beside their men-folk, trying not to look down at their sister's Enablers, as they chat about bands, boyfriends and the big issues.
For those who consider this to be a trivial moment in women's history, ask yourself whether you too have not secretly marvelled at the man's Latenight Tree Pee. Freud considered that women envy the penis, but I reckon that what we really envy is one of its more practical functions. How cruel is the curse of biology that draws the line between "he who can continue unencumbered" and "she who needs to hurry home".
Reading about Sunday's Enabler debut made me feel safe and sure in the knowledge that women are still prepared to fight the good fight, and that my suede-tops did not die in vain.