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Posted: 3/27/2009 12:12:37 PM EST
[Last Edit: 3/27/2009 12:16:18 PM EST by GrabMyWrist]

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: ––––- silence ––––––
..........
.......
.....
....
...
..
.

HUSBAND: "Shit."


Link Posted: 3/27/2009 12:17:37 PM EST
Originally Posted By GrabMyWrist:

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WI FE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: ––––- silence ––––––
..........
.......
.....
....
...
..
.

HUSBAND: "Shit."




BUSTED......why even bother packing at this point, just leave............and knock on 'Lefty's' door.
Link Posted: 3/27/2009 12:19:38 PM EST
IB1GRBAO
Link Posted: 3/27/2009 12:57:51 PM EST
Originally Posted By GrabMyWrist:
IB1GRBAO


ib1grbaoom
Link Posted: 3/27/2009 1:42:30 PM EST
You got any new jokes?
Link Posted: 3/27/2009 3:14:06 PM EST






Link Posted: 3/27/2009 7:29:48 PM EST
The Fence



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a

single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle

charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.


I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The

ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better

the fence works.


One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel

pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew

for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it,

to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered

to unplug it after all.


Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand

and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand Keep in mind the charger is

about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover.


Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up

the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the

lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that

Briggs &Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was

literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and

the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical

impulses.


Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to

differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3

different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel

movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and bam

BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes

in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust

pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the

fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let
go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had

those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts

and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground

rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river

bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and

take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is

starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had

some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,and

with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.


But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there,

like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its

owner's right foot.



So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in

my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.. He

left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own

stupidity had created.



I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on

the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was

later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass

spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where

the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow

let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I

realized a few things.



1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.



2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek


[not the left, just the right).



3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you

might first think.



4- My left eye will not open.



5- My right eye will not close.



6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little

session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better


than new after that.



7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot

long.



8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the

number 4 (still dont understand this?)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I

appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make

sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can


clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gives me

a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check

before I mow.





Link Posted: 3/27/2009 8:35:35 PM EST
[Last Edit: 3/27/2009 8:37:12 PM EST by Road-kill]


Link Posted: 3/27/2009 10:11:05 PM EST
I musta spent too much time playing with the cattle fence as a child.


That wasn't remotely funny. Or realistic.
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