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1/25/2018 7:38:29 AM
Posted: 12/29/2005 3:01:46 PM EST
oldie but a goody

Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:07:23 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:08:37 PM EST
What idiocy.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:10:14 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:14:26 PM EST
Well, that would explain a lot about that little bastard bear.....
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:15:14 PM EST
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:28:08 PM EST
i might have enjoyed it more if whoever voiced that over didnt suck
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 3:47:22 PM EST
There are three things in this world I don't trust - Pooh Bears, Care Bears, and Bad people. And Clowns - can't sleep the clowns will eat me.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 4:20:19 PM EST
That was really fucking dumb. Drugs are bad, mmmkay.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 4:47:32 PM EST
haha good shit
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 4:50:47 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/29/2005 4:53:01 PM EST by sharky30]
yak's blood, yak's blood holy holy yak's blood
WTF? The yak's blood is empty
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 5:02:10 PM EST
That voiceover looks like something I'd do when I was drunk.

Link Posted: 12/29/2005 5:07:09 PM EST
Pooh is not satan. He supports Breast cancer awarness...

Link Posted: 12/29/2005 6:36:42 PM EST

Originally Posted By cduarte:
oldie but a goody


The problem is far deeper I fear.......

Winnie the Pooh Comes Out of the Closet

Winnie the Pooh surprised no one yesterday by announcing that he was gay.
(AP) Winnie the Pooh, that silly old bear, announced at a news conference in Toon Town that he is gay. The revelation, of course, drew no astonishment from those in attendance. The surprise, however, was reserved for the revelation of his lover when he outed fellow Disney alumni Mickey Mouse. Said Pooh, “Oh bother. I was tired of living a lie. First the three witches from Sleeping Beauty came out, then Tweety Bird, and now it is our turn.”

Speculation has long attached the honey loving bear with several other occupants of the Hundred Acre Wood, including Piglet, Rabbit, Owl, Tigger, and even the now grown up Christopher Robin. One fellow co-star, speaking off the record, said “I was always afraid to leave me little joey with the bloke. If it hadn’t been for all of the cameramen and studio personnel watching over them when they filmed together, we’d have been on the next Quantas flight home. I didn’t want him to be mates with me son.”

When asked why he was outing his partner, Pooh said that he was tired of taking advantage of the goodwill and friendship of Minnie Mouse. “She has always loved him and covered for him, but she never stood a chance. After we abandoned her drunk at Buzz Lightyear’s party after the Oscar’s a few months ago so we could sneak off and be together, I knew things had to change in our relationship. I mean, you don’t just leave a soused mouse behind.She had to catch a ride home in the pumpkin coach.”

When asked how long he had been involved in the gay lifestyle, WInnie replied: "I guess it was when I would meet the other bears for our honey hunts and log rollings. Boo Boo would always share his picnic basket with me. We sort of discovered love and each other and everything together. He's been gone for many years, but I still miss his sweet smile and good nature. Yogi, Cindy, and Mr. Ranger knew about our lifestyle for years and kept everything quiet."

In a prepared statement, Christopher Robin said “I applaude Winnie on this decision to come out. Tigger and I have been happily bouncing together for many years and wish Mickey and Pooh the best of luck.”

There was no word if Pooh plans on taking his significant other to a state that allows gay marriage, or even if the mouse would consent to this.

In addition to the other residents of the Hundred Acre Wood, other cartoon characters that have come out of the closet are: Wilbur from “Charlotte’s Web,” Daffy Duck, Pikachu, the men from “The Road to El Dorado,” and Gingie and Pinocchio from the “Shrek” movies.

Right wing organizations have condemned “The Mickey Mouse Club” and demanded that it never again be shown on television. Pat Buchanan was quoted as saying that “he was not the leader of any club that was made for me or any other Christian. I believe that such networks as The Disney Channel and Toon Disney that cater to our children need to re-think their programming and remove this Mouse and Bear and all of their symbols and likenesses from the air.”

The Southern Baptist Convention has announced an ears burning bonfire for this Saturday, followed by a pot luck supper at all churches.

Mickey Mouse could not be reached for comment.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 6:40:50 PM EST
Would be better if he hadnt breathed into the mic
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 7:05:17 PM EST

Originally Posted By J_Smith:
There are three things in this world I don't trust - Pooh Bears, Care Bears, and Bad people. And Clowns - can't sleep the clowns will eat me.

Those damn talking Teddy Rucksbins from 15 year ago were fucking wack too
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 7:15:10 PM EST
Billion$ and Billion$ of dollars and countless cumulative manhours spent in order to develop the internet.....

.....and this is the shit we get??
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 7:36:02 PM EST

Originally Posted By J_Smith:
There are three things in this world I don't trust - Pooh Bears, Care Bears, and Bad people. And Clowns - can't sleep the clowns will eat me.

Are you one of those "Insane Clown Posse" types? My high school had a lot of those.

And that's four things.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 8:37:57 PM EST

Originally Posted By deej86:
deejPooh is not satan. He causessupports Breast cancer awarness...


it's all becoming clear to me, deej is legion....
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 8:43:13 PM EST
How can Pooh support anything? He's a cartoon.
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 8:55:49 PM EST
[Last Edit: 12/29/2005 9:15:25 PM EST by cyrax777]
this is stll the best

Pooh Goes Apeshit
A.A. Milne

Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood. The trees whispered to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree, there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of Christopher Robin.

"Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as the axe came down once more.

There was a small pile of earth, and a hole next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher Robin's legs off.

"A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug.

"Always too bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts - bastard!"

Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything, had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.

Piglet had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill.

Piglet had no time to realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull, sending a beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then he pulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.

"Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went indoors.

The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen them since yesterday. They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in the morning.

When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling had never been one of Pooh's strong points).

"That's odd", though Tigger, "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What is that silly bear up to now?"

Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the house with a container marked insecticide in big red letters. He took the container and went to Eeyore's favourite patch of thistles.

"This will serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself.

Then he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyore eat himself to death - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of Eeyore in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet.

"Shouldn't cheat should you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyore's eyes stared with disbelief. "You're lucky I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over.

Pooh didn't return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out all morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....".

"'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the sound-track album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off." This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief.

"What was that you said?", asked Roo.

"God does he never stop asking pathetic questions?", Pooh thought furiously. "I'm going to have to deal with these prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from me?" Pooh asked despairingly."

Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy. Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive brain, and agreed.

"What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge.

Once on the bridge, and the rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat into the stream.

"Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown."

There was a loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger.

"Why?", spluttered Tigger as he slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical, after all a blue Tigger? How absolutely silly.

"I'll tell you why you bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." Tigger did not hear Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the water, dead. "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch. "Still time to get that little dick-head Roo before he wakes up."

Pooh sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of her pouch.

"Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him.

By the time Pooh got home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose, but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyore one day - but that's a story for another day.


This story was not written by me. I get abuse and praise in almost equal volume for writing this story. It wasn't me, and it certainly wasn't A.A.Milne.

found it years ago on usenet
Link Posted: 12/29/2005 9:06:49 PM EST
That was really fucked up.
Link Posted: 12/30/2005 6:46:23 AM EST

Originally Posted By cduarte:

Originally Posted By deej86:
deejPooh is not satan. He causessupports Breast cancer awarness...


it's all becoming clear to me, deej is legion....

Get back in your trunk.
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