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Posted: 8/3/2011 1:48:37 PM EDT
Please share your own stories of inane things you hear from your boss or management at work.  I'll start:

My boss told me one day that someone should make a car that runs on a giant spring, which would solve our energy problems.  It would be like a wind-up toy scaled up to the size where it would carry passengers. He was completely serious.

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 1:50:59 PM EDT
[#1]
I LoL'd !!!!!!!!  
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 1:53:00 PM EDT
[#2]
At a prior job I was starting to explain to my boss how we figured out how to fix a problem we were having.

About 5 words into my explaination he says " I like to EAT cake. I don't give a f*ck how its made." I was like






Link Posted: 8/3/2011 1:57:20 PM EDT
[#3]
I am the boss!




Seriously, I am.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 1:59:19 PM EDT
[#4]
Quoted:
I am the boss!




Seriously, I am.


No you're not.  You can read.  
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:01:50 PM EDT
[#5]
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:02:05 PM EDT
[#6]
Sun shines on a dogs ass every once in awhile
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:04:11 PM EDT
[#7]
"Can you bring me some skizzers?"

Some what?

"Some skizzers. You know, skizzers. :does hand gesture:"

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:08:05 PM EDT
[#8]
This week?

"How do you spell won't? Is it w-o-n-t?"

Editor of a newspaper.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:10:49 PM EDT
[#9]
We used to keep a list. I can't count how many times I've gone to my office after a meeting and thought to myself, did he just say that?

Here's couple off the top of my head:

"Do they bury the underground lines?"

"FIND OUT WHATEVER IT IS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AND MAKE SURE IT GETS DONE!"


Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:11:07 PM EDT
[#10]
Things have been slow at the company I work for for about 3 years,one day I asked the owner if he was thinking about closing up shop and he said"I can't lose the business...you really think anyone's gonna hire my dumb ass?".
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:14:53 PM EDT
[#11]
I was told that if you eat a meal while standing up, you get fat legs.

Think about it.



Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:15:06 PM EDT
[#12]
Quoted:
Things have been slow at the company I work for for about 3 years,one day I asked the owner if he was thinking about closing up shop and he said"I can't lose the business...you really think anyone's gonna hire my dumb ass?".

You know, that's really quite smart...


The world would be a much better place if more people were this honest with themselves.



Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:15:34 PM EDT
[#13]
I used to work in the sales division of an industrial equipment manufacturer. We had one main competitor, who would regularly beat us on price for sealed-bid work. Our VP od sale, a guy who I actually admire and respect in many ways, had a particularly odd take on this situation.



"So, boss, we lost that bid to ABC."

"Their price is too low. They lose money on every job."

"How can they lose money on every job?"

"They make it up in volume."












Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:17:37 PM EDT
[#14]


5th of vodka, shit on Deborah's desk.

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:23:40 PM EDT
[#15]
Used to work for a company that divided all of it's sales force into 5 strata Top 20% Strata 1, Next 20% Strata 2, Next 20% Strata 3 etc.

The CFO, sent out an urgent message that GASP, "40% of the company's sales force are in the bottom 2 Strata" and that dept. managers needed to get right on that.

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:25:35 PM EDT
[#16]
Quoted:
We used to keep a list. I can't count how many times I've gone to my office after a meeting and thought to myself, did he just say that?

Here's couple off the top of my head:

"Do they bury the underground lines?"

"FIND OUT WHATEVER IT IS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AND MAKE SURE IT GETS DONE!"




Whoever said that, is definitely management material.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:32:20 PM EDT
[#17]
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:34:40 PM EDT
[#18]



Quoted:


Used to work for a company that divided all of it's sales force into 5 strata Top 20% Strata 1, Next 20% Strata 2, Next 20% Strata 3 etc.



The CFO, sent out an urgent message that GASP, "40% of the company's sales force are in the bottom 2 Strata" and that dept. managers needed to get right on that.





I'll bet he was mortified to learn that half of the sales force was below average.

 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:36:44 PM EDT
[#19]
I can't think of any specifics but my boss rather than doing it the right way will tell us how to do it his way and its either cheap and easy to break or overly complex. He thinks he knows best just because he was apart of the army corp of engineers.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:39:34 PM EDT
[#20]
My boss likes to yell at me to NOT do whatever it is I just said I was going to do.  Then he tells me to go do the very same thing, as if it was his idea.

He also drove 45 mins. out of his way to have me write some emails for him on his crackberry.  I noticed everything was being cc'd to the owner.  I guess he didn't want the owner to see he can't even write an email.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:40:53 PM EDT
[#21]
Quoted:
Used to work for a company that divided all of it's sales force into 5 strata Top 20% Strata 1, Next 20% Strata 2, Next 20% Strata 3 etc.

The CFO, sent out an urgent message that GASP, "40% of the company's sales force are in the bottom 2 Strata" and that dept. managers needed to get right on that.



This man will attempt to divide by zero. You must stop him
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:41:18 PM EDT
[#22]
Quoted:
When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...

Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?


Actually one of the ideas I saw was similar to the last one... only it vaguely made sense.  The situation they pitched was an F-22 and his wingman outnumbered something like ?18:2? where they wouldn't have enough ordnance to take care of the problem themselves.  The idea was to abuse the stealth capabilities of the F-22 and get reliable targetting data on all 18, relay that back to the missile truck and ripple fire off 18 AIM-120s.  It seemed pretty cool, but I don't really know how useful it would be in actual combat unless your side had longer range missiles than the other side... you know, the concept of "if they're in range of you, you're in range of them"   I guess it made more sense to me at the time as I'd just read an article talking about the sensor capabilities of the F-22 being 9 kinds of awesome.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 2:50:10 PM EDT
[#23]
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 3:07:57 PM EDT
[#24]



Quoted:


When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...



Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?


so he was the one who came up with the BoneR?



 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 3:14:01 PM EDT
[#25]
Quoted:
When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...

Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?


I just imagined this, but with a B-1 and it was kinda awesome, lol.

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 3:21:07 PM EDT
[#26]
Years ago when i had a boss, he left me with a saying I use all the time: Hurry up every chance you get.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 3:47:52 PM EDT
[#27]
Oh Jeez!

My boss's name is Tom.


This asshat comes up with some beauties!







Every employee has a manila folder with which we collect "TOM'ISMS".


Once a month, we all share...







Every now and then Tom will find a sticky note somewhere on one of the office walls with the word "TOM'ISM" written across the top.


Here is an example of a "TOM'ISM".


FYI, I coined the term "TOM'ISM".


ETA: That sticky note has not moved in a year.






 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:07:48 PM EDT
[#28]
Quoted:
Quoted:
We used to keep a list. I can't count how many times I've gone to my office after a meeting and thought to myself, did he just say that?

Here's couple off the top of my head:

"Do they bury the underground lines?"

"FIND OUT WHATEVER IT IS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AND MAKE SURE IT GETS DONE!"




Whoever said that, is definitely management material.


Born leader lol.

That was exactly what he said, but what we took from it is what he implied......


..."I don't have time to deal with the EPA and deq so make it fucking happen because I have to go golfing"



Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:19:21 PM EDT
[#29]
One of my supervisors at work said the following gem. Unfortunately, I was not there to witness it cause I would've had a smart-assed remark.

Supervisor: "Your job isn't to make yourself more money, it's to make me more money."

Associates: *standing there dumbfounded*

Mind you, I work in a COMMISSION based sales environment.  The irony in his statement is hysterical.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:20:34 PM EDT
[#30]
ill bite

" if you need to loose some weight all you need to do is some push backs, as in push your fat ass back from the table"

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:25:37 PM EDT
[#31]
I'm a people person dammit!  
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:36:41 PM EDT
[#32]
The then boss of the House of Representatives, once said, "we need to pass this so we can see what's in it" or something to that effect.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:37:33 PM EDT
[#33]
Quoted:
I LoL'd !!!!!!!!  


He works at GM, not that funny.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 5:49:54 PM EDT
[#34]
I'm the boss. But I bet my employees have some doozies they could contribute. Today I told a girl that she needed to let me move my truck before she backed out of the parking lot. "Because she is both a woman and asian, which is like hitting the bad driver stereotype jackpot". She was impressed with my ability to both sexist and racist at the same time.

One day my mouth will get me fired and release me from the everlasting pit of hell that is my job.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:18:22 PM EDT
[#35]
Former supervisor, given the golden boot a couple years ago.  He was marginally literate and even had a fake community college diploma on his wall.



He never quite got the hang of email.  Sure, he'd receive emails but rather than forward them he'd print them  Usually only by hitting 'print screen' then he'd FAX the print screen email to us.



Best one was when he print screen'd an email with an attachment.  Wrote on it "take car of this rite a way" and FAXed it to me.

I called him and asked "where is the attachment"

His reply "I FAXed it to you"



He could not understand that the attachment was essentially a separate part of the email.  I had to drive 35 miles one way to show him how to open an attachment.  Explaining it over the phone was getting no where.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:23:44 PM EDT
[#36]
Quoted:
Former supervisor, given the golden boot a couple years ago.  He was marginally literate and even had a fake community college diploma on his wall.

He never quite got the hang of email.  Sure, he'd receive emails but rather than forward them he'd print them  Usually only by hitting 'print screen' then he'd FAX the print screen email to us.

Best one was when he print screen'd an email with an attachment.  Wrote on it "take car of this rite a way" and FAXed it to me.
I called him and asked "where is the attachment"
His reply "I FAXed it to you"

He could not understand that the attachment was essentially a separate part of the email.  I had to drive 35 miles one way to show him how to open an attachment.  Explaining it over the phone was getting no where.


Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:32:00 PM EDT
[#37]
I gotta admit my boss is fairly competent.  The most aggravating thing he does is go off the handle about how we (the supervisors) need to act/predict/etc one week, then a month later (when we're acting in that fashion) he'll fly off the handle about how we should be acting the way we were previous to the prior tantrum.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:36:44 PM EDT
[#38]
"Well, if we don't have the people to do the installations, I gues we'll just have to stop selling new systems".
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:37:37 PM EDT
[#39]
Im a LEO with a tour in Iraq, my conversation with a SWAT commander, that has never heard a shot fired in anger, no one on the team has.

Me: So you think that combat experience means nothing?
Comm: Combat doesnt teach you how to shoot or how you will react to fire. I've been on the range, I know what to do.
Me: How many of the paper targets were shooting back at you?
Comm just walks away.

Combat is BS I guess, I should spend more time shooting at paper.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:38:47 PM EDT
[#40]
him - "We need to improve our 5S score."

me - "Why?"

him - "so we can get the most improved ribbon"

me - ....

him - "And we get the cookies."

Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:40:44 PM EDT
[#41]
I had a manager ask me: "Why didn't you fill out your anonymous survey" ?

I asked (In front of his boss) "You don't know what 'anonymous' means, do ya" ?

"Yes I do" !!!

Me: "Go look up what 'anonymous' means and get back to me. I'm busy".

His boss just smirked with that goofy grin all management types seems to have...
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:47:26 PM EDT
[#42]
Quoted:
Quoted:
Used to work for a company that divided all of it's sales force into 5 strata Top 20% Strata 1, Next 20% Strata 2, Next 20% Strata 3 etc.

The CFO, sent out an urgent message that GASP, "40% of the company's sales force are in the bottom 2 Strata" and that dept. managers needed to get right on that.



This man will attempt to divide by zero. You must stop him


Different boss with same company

I'd increased sales by 20% over the previous year at a time where the rest of the company was in a slump
Reduced payroll
Decreased job turnover.
Found so much crap the previous manager had lost we actually ran negative shrink for a while.
Increased customer satisfaction.

Reason I received a poor job performance review "It's about the numbers."  

[sarcasm/] Surprisingly that company is no longer in business [/sarcasm]
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:49:05 PM EDT
[#43]



Quoted:


I had a boss at a rather high level job who read every 'how to be a good boss' book on the planet.  Some of the shit she made our team do was beyond moronic.



At one point she suggested we all get in one giant group hug.  The only problem was, one of my co-workers had a condition where any physical contact with others was out of the question.  Still he was a brown noser of the highest degree so he gave it his best and promptly had a full on panic attack.


Do you work in a sitcom?





 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 6:56:52 PM EDT
[#44]
"I am wondering if we should encourage them to smoke crack in the house.  At least we know they are safe when they do it here"
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:00:47 PM EDT
[#45]





Quoted:



When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...





Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?



That's not as dumb as it may sound.





Was watching...Dog Fights, I think...and it was an episode about air-air combat in the 21st century.  One of the plausible scenarios was a pair of F-22's passively targeting MIGs and a B-1 loitering off-grid spitting AIMs out at the targets the F-22's were locking.  That way, with the raptors running under full stealth they were undetected.





Watch, the part I'm talking about is at 14:40, main part is at 20:50





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjyJT9wAaWY





 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:07:26 PM EDT
[#46]
Quoted:
Quoted:
When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...

Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?


Actually one of the ideas I saw was similar to the last one... only it vaguely made sense.  The situation they pitched was an F-22 and his wingman outnumbered something like ?18:2? where they wouldn't have enough ordnance to take care of the problem themselves.  The idea was to abuse the stealth capabilities of the F-22 and get reliable targetting data on all 18, relay that back to the missile truck and ripple fire off 18 AIM-120s.  It seemed pretty cool, but I don't really know how useful it would be in actual combat unless your side had longer range missiles than the other side... you know, the concept of "if they're in range of you, you're in range of them"   I guess it made more sense to me at the time as I'd just read an article talking about the sensor capabilities of the F-22 being 9 kinds of awesome.


F-22s have done this in exercises. In one case, two (I think) F-22s launched all their missiles. When they ran out they, IIRC, went to high altitude and would pick up targets using their radars and then pass the tracks to F-16s and F-15s who could then shoot without ever having to turn on their radars. It reportedly worked very well.
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:16:02 PM EDT
[#47]



Quoted:



Quoted:


Quoted:

When I worked on the B-1 Block D upgrade I had a boss already working on ideas for Block E & F.  He wanted to sell the Air Force an air-to-air mode for the radar "to help the pilots find the tankers" (that was his sales pitch).  The unltimate idea was an air-to-air combat mode and load the B-1 with a 100-200 AIM-120s.  The idea was to loiter over a battlefield and shoot down any MiGs that showed up...



Did I mention the guy was a bombadier from Vietnam?




Actually one of the ideas I saw was similar to the last one... only it vaguely made sense.  The situation they pitched was an F-22 and his wingman outnumbered something like ?18:2? where they wouldn't have enough ordnance to take care of the problem themselves.  The idea was to abuse the stealth capabilities of the F-22 and get reliable targetting data on all 18, relay that back to the missile truck and ripple fire off 18 AIM-120s.  It seemed pretty cool, but I don't really know how useful it would be in actual combat unless your side had longer range missiles than the other side... you know, the concept of "if they're in range of you, you're in range of them"   I guess it made more sense to me at the time as I'd just read an article talking about the sensor capabilities of the F-22 being 9 kinds of awesome.




F-22s have done this in exercises. In one case, two (I think) F-22s launched all their missiles. When they ran out they, IIRC, went to high altitude and would pick up targets using their radars and then pass the tracks to F-16s and F-15s who could then shoot without ever having to turn on their radars. It reportedly worked very well.



Yeah.  It's called a data link.  Been 'round a while.  Navy has the same trick.  









 
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:17:23 PM EDT
[#48]
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:26:52 PM EDT
[#49]
I needed a 13 mm wrench for a part on my machine.  My supervisor said just use a 1/2" wrench.  I said it's metric.  He said this is america, we don't use metric here...


Quoted:
him - "We need to improve our 5S score."

me - "Why?"

him - "so we can get the most improved ribbon"

me - ....

him - "And we get the cookies."



All 5S did for us was slow us down...  Then we started having fun and lableing EVERYTHING, even the labels...


Jk
Link Posted: 8/3/2011 7:27:54 PM EDT
[#50]
Quoted:
"You have tenure?"



If someone doesn't know, shouldn't you always answer yes, regardless of whether you do or not?
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