I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a Horse's Ass. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!  This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

I didn't really care that much.......... My car was parked around the corner.

I'll see your cop and raise you a drugstore clerk:

The owner of this drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asked the clerk "what's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replied, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner said, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"

The clerk answered, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

A Polar Bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'd like a. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BEER"




The bartender says "Sure, but why the big paws?"

A Horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

this one is so true


Reverend Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Searsstore, looked around, then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!" the manager of the department cameout and said, "how can I help you, Reverend?" Jesse replied, "I want toknow why allllll of your washing machines are white?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said, "Reverend
Jackson, ..... Yes - all of the washing machines are white, ....... But if you look inside, you'll find that all of the agitators are black !!"

Subject: THE GUM
The Gum
A burst of fruit flavor.
A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants with butter jam in a
diner when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Michigan man politely ignored the Canadian, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation.
The Canadian snapped his gum and said, "You Michigan folk eat the whole bread?"
The Michigan man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The Canadian blew a huge bubble. "We don't.  In Canada, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Michigan."  The Canadian had a smirk on
his face.
The Michigan man listened in silence. The Canadian persisted.  "D'ya eat jam
with the bread?"
Sighing, the Michigan man replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Canadian said, "We don't. In Canada,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam sell it to
Michigan"
The Michigan man then asked, "Do you have sex in Canada?"
The Canadian smiled and said, "Why, of course we do."
The Michigan leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Michigan mans turn to smile.  "We don't. In Michigan, we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down to chewing gum and sell them to the Canadians."

ROFL!!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me? The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two  coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to  her "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."  

QUICK WIT

Subject: Fw: Oooops...


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Patrick and Seamus, two Irishmen were trapped in a lifeboat.

Patrick awakes to the image of a genie and his bottle.  The genie, explaining that Patrick and Seamus were Irish, only get one wish.

Patrick tells the genie his one wish was that sea was beer, instead of sea water.  His wish is granted and the sea is transformed to a golden ale.

Patrick wakes Seamus and explains the fortune they both have and they start drinking.

When they both have their fill and are completely shitfaced, Seamus yells at at Patrick, "Oh for fuck sake - why did you use your one wish to turn the sea into ale?  Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Subject: Two Sides to every story

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside.I had to break a window to get my keys. Then driving a little too fast , got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...

and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

A woman looks to her Boyfriend and says "Honey, I can't get this puzzle of a tiger together..."

The Boyfriend looks over, sighs and says "Sweetie, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

two guys walk into a bar
...
the third one ducked

This joke GETS THE GIRLS!!

All you have to do is tell it to some nice lady that will actually talk to you. Guaranteed they will think you are, "Cute".
And they will be all over you that night.

Without further ado -  I present, the cat joke:


This joke takes place during recess, at a kindergarten.

Little Billy: "Mrs. Smith, I found a dead cat on the playground."
Mrs. Smith: "How did you know it was dead Little Billy?"
Little Billy : "I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move."
Mrs. Smith: "YOU WHAT?!?"
Little Billy: "You know, I leaned over and went,'psssst' in it's ear!"


Oh yes,

Try it.


If you live in Pennsylvania, I'll have to ask you never to tell this joke to anyone. I don't want to look unoriginal.

A Luthern dies and goes to heaven, he's standing at the pearly gates in front of the presiding angel. The Angel looks at his record and says "Ok, your in, 4th door on the right, but be quiet by the 3rd door."

A Methodist dies and goes to heaven, he's standing at the pearly gates in front of the presiding angel. The Angel looks at his record and says "Ok, your in, 7th door on the left, but be quiet by the 3rd door."

A Babtist dies and goes to heaven, he's standing at the pearly gates in front of the presiding angel. The Angel looks at his record and says "Ok, your in, 9th door on the left, but be quiet by the 3rd door."

The Babtist, being a curious sort of guy, asks why he has to be quiet by the 3rd door.

To which the Angel replies, "Oh, thats the Catholics, they think their the only ones here."

ROFLMAO  oh man that was too damn funny

The owner of a well-established software company was interviewing people
for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and
experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a
disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking. So the
sales manager decided to be frank…

"You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but
I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put customers off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir,"  said the sales candidate,  "because all I
need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for
yourself, I've got some on me."

As he began emptying his pockets on the desk, the prospective employer was
startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones,
lubricated ones, multicoloured ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are."

He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the tic went
away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the
mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my
company to be represented by some wild womaniser, after all."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"

"It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and ask
for a packet of aspirins ?

For more than an hour the scrawny guy had sat at the bar staring down into his glass.  

Suddenly a burly truck driver loped across the room, sat down next to him and drank the guy's drink.  The poor fellow burst out crying.  

"Oh, come on, pal," the trucker said.  

"I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink."  

"No, that's not it," the man replied.

"This has been the worst day of my life.  I overslept, was late for work and got fired.  When I left the office, I found that my car had been stolen.  I hailed a cab to go home but realized I had left my wallet at the house, so I walked the six miles home.  Then I found my wife in bed with our neighbor, so I grabbed my wallet and came
here.  

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life," the
guy sighed...

"you show up and drink my poison."  

We're married now...

There was a dude that wanted to try bear huntin and buys himself a gun and goes off to the woods.

He sees a bear and  BAAMM [sniper] the bear drops.  He goes over to find the bear and no bear....[>:/] then he gets a tap on the shoulder...its the bear!!!  The bear says "OK you got two options:  you can either suck my dick or I'll maul you to death!

The man considers the options and comences to suckin.

Now completely pissed off the man thinks I'm gonna fix his ass [pissed] So he buys a bigger gun...

Now back to the woods...

He sees a bear and  BAAMM [sniper] the bear drops.  He goes over to find the bear and no bear....[>:/] then he gets a tap on the shoulder...its the bear again!!!  The bear says "OK you got your two options again:  you can either suck my dick again or I'll maul you to death!

The man considers the options and comences to suckin yet once again...

Well the man is now really pissed and goes to get an even bigger gun!!!  "I'm gonna fuck that sonuva  bitchin bear up this time!!!"

Well off to the woods again and he fires on the bear again [50] the bear drops, but again can't find the bear...then the bear taps him on the shoulder and says: "You aint here to hunt are you?"

A police officer pulls over a man for speeding.  The driver tells the officer he was speeding because he was fleeing from a robbery at a convenience store.  Not only that, the man confesses that he has shot the clerk, and that the body was in the trunk and the gun was under the seat.

The officer calls for backup, and other policemen and a detective arrive.  When they search the car, they were surprised by what they didn't find.  The detective starts to question the suspect.

"I don't understand," the detective says.  "There's no body in the trunk, and no gun in the car."

"I know," says the driver. "Next, he's going to tell you I was speeding."

Good ones.

In response to the first post...

Person 1:  "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

Person 2:  "Why yes, that's what I said.  "Just that's not my dog."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"  

Subject: Skin Graft

 A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the  doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."