Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Site Notices
9/22/2017 12:11:25 AM
Posted: 3/3/2003 3:21:03 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/3/2003 3:22:42 PM EDT by voilsb]
This thread is inspired by another ([url=http://ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=173285&w=myTopicPop]this one[/url]). I loved the joke so much, I thought "let's post another thread for everyone to post jokes in!" so, here's the inspiring joke: "what has four legs and an arm?" "a happy pit bull" here are a couple (geeky) ones I love: "why do geeks get halloween and christmas mixed up?" "because 31OCT is 25DEC" and "there are only 10 types of people in the world. those who understand binary and those who don't." post your favorites! [size=1]edited to insert URL for inspiring thread[/size=1]
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 3:35:42 PM EDT
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 3:54:19 PM EDT
Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed. So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful." James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day." Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?" "Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 4:14:24 PM EDT
Here's an old one: One day Pa and his son Jed were out in the fields raking hay. Jed looked over and saw two cows going at it. Jed turned to his pa and said, "Hey pa, what dem two cows doin'?" Pa looked at him and said, "Why they is a humping." Jed asked, "What's ah humpin' mean?" "Means they is ah screwin'" pa replied. "Well what's a screwin'?" Jed asked. "Means they is a fu*kin'" pa replied. "What's ah fu*kin' mean?" Jed asked. Pa looked and him and said, "Boy don't you know what fu*kin means? Come on in da house. I'll show you what fu*kin means!" Jed followed pa into the house. Pa went to the stairs and hollered up for his wife. "Ma, get down here! Take off your clothes and get on da couch!" Pa's wife took her clothes off and laid down on the couch, then pa looked at Jed and said "Now you see dat black hole on ma? Watch old pa go to work." Jed's pa started humping his wife. Just then Jed's sister Susie came down the stairs. She looked over at Jed and asked, "Hey Jed, what's ma and pa doin'?" Jed looked at her and said, "Why they is a humping." Susie asked, "What's ah humpin' mean?" "Means they is ah screwin'" Jed replied. "Well what's a screwin'?" Susie asked. "Means they is a fu*kin'" Jed replied. "Well what's ah fu*kin' mean Jed?" Susie asked. Jed looked over at his sister and said, "You don't know what fu*kin means? I'll show you what fu*kin means! See dat black hole on pa, watch old Jed go to work!"
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 4:40:57 PM EDT
Single girl goes to the grocery store to buy some food. She buys one tv dinner, one tube of toothpaste, one bar of soap, one loaf of bread, one gallon of milk, etc. She walks up to the cash register where a young fella is ringing up the customers as they check out. She begins to place her single items on the conveyor when she catches the guy behind the register checking her out. He says to her: "Hey you must be single!" She says sarcastically: "Oh yeah smart guy? What gave THAT away? Hmm?" He says: "BECAUSE YOUR F*CKING UGLY!"[headbang]
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 5:44:32 PM EDT
This guy and his buddy were playing gold one day and the friend asked if he had a light for his cigar, he says sure and pulls out a huge lighter. The friend says damn, where the hell did you get that? The guy says, well, you remember a couple weeks ago when I went on vacation, I was walking along a beach one morning when I came upon this vase thing in the sand. I picked it up and cleaned it off and while rubbing it an old Genie popped out of it. He was all happy and shit and thanked me for setting him free. He said "I'm going to give you one free wish to show my appreciation and" so I made a wish, but turns out the Genie was really hard of hearing. The friend says "yeah but a lighter?". He said you don't actually think I asked for a ten inch bic do you...
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 6:07:14 PM EDT
Not really a joke, but a great screw-job from a machinery bulletin board: I remember years back when I was a youngin, that a family on our street had a roof put on their house, and never paid for the work. One Sunday morning after the family left to go to church, the contractor came and promptly removed the newly installed roofing. Sometimes getting back or getting even is worth more than the price of the job. My ex-wife knows that first hand, when I agreed without an argument to letting her have our 4 year old house (no mortgage and paid in full) as part of the divorice settlement. She assumed she was getting the house as she saw it last. From the outside it looked just fine and dandy, but what was done to the inside was indescribable. It cost her a hefty sum of money to get things right, and that was only the start. Since it was winter time, and the grass was dormant and yellow, no one knew that all the vegetation and such was thouroughly watered with the remaining 400 or 500 hundred gallons of heating oil, and the 20+ tons of rock salt was thouroughly watered in the ground and on the newly installed concrete walks and driveway for a few months, as well as on the basement floor....... Filled the chimneys with blocks and bricks and then dumped in bags of portland cement, pried up all the shingles with a flat shovel, still.looked good, but not attached to anything, filled the septic tank with crushed stone and other goodies, filled water heater with sand, reversed and crossed the hot and cold water lines everywhere I could access them, cut the rubber plugs out of the glass window panes that was used during manufacture of the windows (anderson welded thermopane windows) where they pull a vaccum between the panes, and then they use the plug to seal it. After removing those plugs with a razor blade I used a hypodermic syringe to put in about 50 or so cc of water, not visible due to the moldings etc, but when it got cold it fronze and cracked each window in the house. Melted the styrofoam cores out of the steel entry doors with lac thinner, cut the wall outlets wiring off flush with the back of the wall boxes........insured there was a steady supply of fresh water to the hardwood floors, pulled all insulation out of the attic. Cut every other truss in the attic, "rewired" every appliance such as stove, refridgerator, A/C etc. Poured joint compound down the drains along with some mortar cement. Also put portland or mortar cement in the toilet tanks (Need to conserve water you know) Cut the cable holding the well pump as well as the water line to the pump and left it drop, along with a few lengths of assorted steel rebars and other odds and ends. I had worked nights, and had this house to myself, it was out in the country, and had a few months to do my handywork. I used to go to work just dreaming what I could do to it next. I owned this house free and clear, or other wise I would still be in jail. But since it was mine, I was able to do what I wanted with it. Looking at it from the outside it looked picture book perfect. Never regretted a bit of it! I mainly lived in my shop in the yard after I started to ruin the house. I Had heat there and carried water I Needed, and showered etc at work so, pissing etc out the door was not a biggie. When I left the property I also took the hot air furnace used to heat my shop, and since 3 walls were in the ground, and made of building blocks, it did not take long for the freezeing ground to push and crack the walls, once the heat was removed. I'm sure a heater for the shop was the last thing on her mind at that time.
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 6:35:57 PM EDT
Originally Posted By voilsb: This thread is inspired by another ([url=http://ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=173285&w=myTopicPop]this one[/url]). I loved the joke so much, I thought "let's post another thread for everyone to post jokes in!" so, here's the inspiring joke: "what has four legs and an arm?" "a happy pit bull" here are a couple (geeky) ones I love: "why do geeks get halloween and christmas mixed up?" "because 31OCT is 25DEC" and "there are only 10 types of people in the world. those who understand binary and those who don't." post your favorites! [size=1]edited to insert URL for inspiring thread[/size=1]
View Quote
i must be dumb cause i dont get the geeky ones
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 6:41:49 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/3/2003 6:47:06 PM EDT by Greenhorn]
Did you hear about the idiot terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. A lion walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve lions here." "You'd better give me a beer," says the lion, "or I'll eat that woman over there!" The bartender says, "Sorry, them's the rules. I can't give you a beer." Angrily, the lion runs over to the woman and eats her. He storms back to the bartender and says, "NOW are you going to give me a beer?" The bartender says, "No, you'll be falling asleep shortly." "What do you mean? Why would I fall asleep?" The bartender replies, "That barbiturate."
Link Posted: 3/3/2003 7:45:18 PM EDT
Originally Posted By bushmaster1:
Originally Posted By voilsb: here are a couple (geeky) ones I love: "why do geeks get halloween and christmas mixed up?" "because 31OCT is 25DEC" and "there are only 10 types of people in the world. those who understand binary and those who don't."
View Quote
i must be dumb cause i dont get the geeky ones
View Quote
it's okay. they both deal with number systems. for the first one, everybody knows halloween is on october 31st, and christmas on december 25th. some people (like me, and many military personell) write those dates as 31OCT and 25DEC. well, in the base-8 number system, called octal, the number 31 (three times eight, plus one times one) is equal to 25 in the decimal system (2 times ten, plus five times one). written out, you get 31OCT = 25DEC. the second one is similar. 10 in binary is equal to 2 in decimal. so, if you were reading that and converted the binary 10 into decimal, it would read "there are 2 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't" they're not quite as funny when they're explained, though.
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 12:17:22 AM EDT
An old man lived alone in Arkansas. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!" Love, Bubba At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 12:37:26 AM EDT
The Triplets A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate on infants. The mother gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 12:40:05 AM EDT
Gunfighter School In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 1:02:26 AM EDT
Originally Posted By parshooter: "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
View Quote
[lol][lolabove][rofl][rofl2]
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 3:27:58 AM EDT
A man and his three little daughters were sitting at the table one evening. The first daughter walked over and sat on his lap and asked, "Daddy, why did you and mommy name me Rose?" "Well, when your momma was holding you, a rose petal fell from the sky and landed on your head and we took it as a sign from God." She hopped down, and the second daughter jumped in his lap and said, "Daddy, why did you and mommy name me Violet?" "Well, when your momma was holding you, a violet fell from the sky and landed on your head and the took it as a sign from God." She hopped down, and the third daughter walked up and screamed, [red][b]"AUGHAUGHUUGHHAHAAAHGHGUUGHHAAHG!"[/b][/red] "Shut the fuck up, Cinderblock!"
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 3:37:18 AM EDT
A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,"Officer what's the hold up"? The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire". She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her. The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 6:31:49 AM EDT
There are three dogs at the pound. A chihuahua, a Lab, and a great Dane. The Chi looks over to the Lab and says, "Hey, Senor, what are you in here for?" Labs says, "Well, I'm a chewer. I chew up everything. The other day I went too far and chewed up the owner's brand new $5000 Italian Leather sofa. So they've had enough of me and are having me put to sleep." Chi says, "Oh, that's too bad Senor." Lab "So, what are you in here for?" Chi says, "Well, Senor - I'm a pisser. I piss everywhere. And I must have gone too far and I pissed on the owner's new Oriental Rug. So they brought me here and are putting me to sleep as well." Well, they both look over at the Great Dane and ask what he's in for. The great dane looks up and says, "Well, I'm a humper. I hump everything. People's legs, the cat, you name it. Well, the other day the owner's wife was in the shower and she got out and was drying off. She dropper her towel and bent over to pick it up and I couldn't help myself. I jumped on up there and started humping away." The Lab says, "Oh, that's too bad - so you're being put to sleep too, eh?" The Great Dane says, "Nope, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 8:54:58 AM EDT
The Pope and a Cardinal were walking down the street and the Cardinal starts laughing quietly to himself. The Pope asks "What's so funny?" and the Cardinal says "Oh, nothing. Just a joke I heard the other day." Well, the Pope was curious and says "I'm always one for a good joke, tell it to me." So the Cardinal starts: "Ok, there were two Polacks walking down the street, and..." then the Pope interrupts and says "Um, excuse me, but are you aware of the fact that I'm Polish?" and the Cardinal says "Oh my goodness! I'm SO sorry,..." then begins again (very slowly) "Theeerre weeeerrre twooooo Poooollllaaacccckksss..."
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 9:42:44 AM EDT
Originally Posted By zepp: Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed. So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful." James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day." Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?" "Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
View Quote
That's one of the best I've heard in a long time. [ROFL2]
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 9:45:07 AM EDT
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 9:51:45 AM EDT
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and thefourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stockportfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." BigDozer66
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 9:54:18 AM EDT
You gotta decide A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest Boobs.[bounce] Men are like that, you know! BigDozer66
Link Posted: 3/7/2003 4:41:31 PM EDT
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 11:50:50 AM EDT
A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."Guaranteed like hell," he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weights himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. So, he calls the company and orders their 5day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weights himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative over the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 12:22:29 PM EDT
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking it's butt?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of it's mouth."
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 12:25:29 PM EDT
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American Marine in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and most of your Democrats are unprincipled, lying pieces of trash too!" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 12:43:31 PM EDT
Old, but here goes: Why did God give marines one more brain cell than horses? So they don't shit in the parade.
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 12:55:34 PM EDT
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother. Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.' Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic! Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18. Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock. Q. The three words most hated by men during sex? A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?" Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!" Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.. Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hair balls. Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? A: Crust. Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork
Link Posted: 4/18/2003 12:58:35 PM EDT
my two favorite bumper stickers of all time: "if i would have known your were going to be this much trouble,i would have picked my own damn cotton" and necrophelia-another way of saying "crack open a cold one"
Link Posted: 5/5/2003 11:18:28 PM EDT
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking irritated. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
Link Posted: 5/5/2003 11:22:41 PM EDT
A Californian, an Oregonian, and a Texan are out hunting together. They're showing off and doing some target practice when the Texan pulls out a bottle of whisky. He takes a swig and then throws it in the air and shoots it. The the others look puzzled, and the Californian says, "why'd you do that?" to which the Texan replies, "we've got too many of those in Texas. So the Californian pulls out a bottle of sparkling wine, takes a drink, and throws and shoots it. The Oregonian asks, "why'd you do that?" and the Californian says, "we've got too many of those in California." So the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of microbrew beer. He drinks it all, throws the bottle up, catches it, and shoots the Californian. The Texan asks, "why'd you do that?" and the Oregonian says, "we've got too many of those in Oregon, but I can get 5 cents back home for this bottle."
Link Posted: 5/6/2003 12:12:05 AM EDT
Indians Two indians were being chased by buffalo. One indian puts his ear to the ground and says, "Buffalo come!" The other indian said, "How do you know?" The indian replied, "Ear sticky!"
Link Posted: 5/6/2003 1:31:48 AM EDT
What are the differences among a hooker, a slut, and a wife? The hooker says, "Aren't you done yet?" The slut says, "What do you mean you're done already?" The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll have you paint the ceiling beige."
Top Top