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Posted: 8/26/2004 1:48:05 PM EDT
I read it here about a month ago and it was funny stuff. I lost my copy and I can't find it. ANyone here can repost it so I can stick it up in our TOC?

Link Posted: 8/26/2004 1:54:21 PM EDT

Staff officers say the strangest things.....

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no
problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for
so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi
Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi
exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...
"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world
country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed
off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater
than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing
but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building
"OSD will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels
have been sold on E-bay." MAJ (JS) on the progress of FIF
"Please don't laugh. This is my job." Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining
in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs
"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian
last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of
building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV
"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets
of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit
the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM)
"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..."
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that
Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary
is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command
"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)
"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno,
what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) develops
and implements their strategies
"Let's face it: Africa sucks..."DOS representative (Bureau of African
Affairs) at a conference on Africa
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this:
I complete no tasker before its time..." MAJ (EUCOM)
"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for a year without a
woman. It is different for us, though, because we are Latin..." LTC (LATAM
country) on one of the differences between Latin American soldiers and their
US counterparts
"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM)
after being assigned a difficult tasker
"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM)
after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet
"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)
"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the
only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the
value of being politically correct in today's military
"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping
over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM)
responding to the above
"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)
"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s around here..." MAJ (EUCOM)
on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables
"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the last...and don't ever volunteer
to do anything...." CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism
"Hey, somebody should really do that..." CDR (CENTCOM) on the CENTCOM
tasking process
"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at least we should jump
on that wholesale desertion thing..." Maj (CENTCOM) on the following report
from a newspaper: "(The Iraqi military was crippled by)...a multitude of
erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while its fighting units
barely communicated with one another and were paralyzed from a lack of
direction...these woes were compounded by incompetence, poor preparation,
craven leadership and (the) wholesale desertions of thousands of
"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj
(CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command
"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some
standard, Army self-flagellation
"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia is considered mental
equilibrium..." "The chance of success in these talks is the same as the
number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)
"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)
"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position.
Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR (TRANSCOM) at a policy SVTC
"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it
would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (ret) (EUCOM)
"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff would approve a
4-star visitor the very next day!" GS-12 (EUCOM)
"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT
(USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand
new minivan
"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by a
fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time,
you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)
"I need intelligence, not information." Maj (EUCOM)
"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized
by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR)
"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed
to former President Ronald
"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that
somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"
"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!" Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM)
on how to stay in his own lane...
"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a
zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM)
"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me
yet." "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just
task the first two people you see." "The first question I ask myself when
tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own
best interest is, 'Exactly what happens if I don't do it?'"
"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."
"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can be." CDR (EUCOM) in a
pass down to his replacement
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)
"I think that my next set of orders will take me to Iraq. My career's going
so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" Lt Col (EUCOM)
"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a little longer than we
thought, so I am developing a new system of hanging charts on walls to solve
our problem and win the war." LTC (EUCOM) after a review of long range
Counter Terrorism (CT) plans
"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to
make any progress." "None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a
brief (EUCOM)
"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of
offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers
(hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues
with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF
"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)
"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably stay home tomorrow.
I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I start my leave in two
days." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness."
LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference
"Interagency is a process, not a noun." Anonymous (EUCOM)
"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new
in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a
Counter Terrorism Conference
"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal." "I am so
far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."
"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going
in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you
have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the
rest of your life."
"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt
Col (USSOCOM), excerpts
"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)
"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized
scab picking." "I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in
two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)
"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR
"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR." CPT (CENTCOM)
"I hear so much about Ft. Bragg. Where is it?" "It's in the western part of
southeastern North
Carolina." LCDR and CPT (EUCOM)
"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh!t,
and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment
they walk away." Flag-level Executive A$$istant
"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday." LTC (EUCOM)
"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..." GS-14 (OSD)
"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it." GS-12 (DOS)
"I'm tired of waiting on somebody who I know is just going to ignore me once
they arrive." Lt Col (EUCOM), while waiting to start a brief for a visiting
"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..." Derived from the
writings of Mark Twain
"Vision without funding is hallucination." Maj (EUCOM)
"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh!t when I see it." LTC (EUCOM) in a game of
office poker
"You only know as much as you don't know." GO (EUCOM)
"I'm just livin' the dream..." EUCOM staffer response to the question,
"How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"
"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say." LTC (EUCOM)
"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?"
"How soon before we can give this guy a medal, a good OER, and send him on
his way?" GS-12 (EUCOM) referring to his boss
"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that
wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to
visit." LTC (CENTCOM)
"It was seen, visually." LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..." "This should be
a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)
"If you want to take down a country, gimme a call. We'll get it done."
GO/FO (EUCOM) to a gathering of US Amba$$adors
"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?"
GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers
"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a
EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)
"Your Key Issues are so 2003..." CPT (CJTF-180) in January 2004
"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their
presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the
US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they
planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5
billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't
have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something
has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it
being a big show stopper for us in the future either."
Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to
"interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the
military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace
them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female
service members, since there currently are about 8 men for every woman over
there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a
generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these
assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example,
if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their
children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job
security." CPT (CJTF-180)
"That's FUBIJAR." COL (CENTCOM), Fu--ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist...
"As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one that matters in here." COL
"No matter how hard this Command beats me down, I am still able to get it
up." Maj (EUCOM)
"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into
enemy hands!" GO/FO (CENTCOM)
"Cheese-dickery abounds at this Command." LtCol (EUCOM)
"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" LTC (EUCOM)
preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form.
"This is all happening because we had the sympathetic detonation of a stress
grenade." Maj (EUCOM) after an insignificant issue became a theater focus
because somebody used the "Reply all" function
"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its
classification?" GS11 (EUCOM) in an email from the Foreign Disclosure office
"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna
get..." LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated
"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..." LTC (EUCOM)
"Why should I worry? Nobody here outranks me by that much." MAJ (SOCEUR)
briefing a group of 0-6s
"I have to know what I don't know..." Col (CENTCOM) during a shift
changeover briefing
"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked
if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM
"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..." LT (EUCOM) midway
through a huge, simulated command exercise
"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your
face.'" Col (MARFOREUR)
"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz
sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today." Maj (EUCOM) after listening to
a JFCOM trainer/mentor
"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems."
"Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special
room we have developed for ops." GO/FO (EUCOM)
"Did you hear that they're canning Bob Edwards on NPR?" "Why? Did they
catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something??" COL to CDR
"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative." CDR (EUCOM)
in an email response to a request for information
"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that
nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col to GO/FO (EUCOM) in briefings
"We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the
ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now
qualified to do anything with nothing." Anonymous, but classic...
"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."
"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not
Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)
"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology." Lt Col
(JFCOM) describing the Jiffiecom alpha male
"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed,
dispirited and disillusioned..." Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly talking about
the Disciples...
"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers."
"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

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