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Posted: 8/11/2007 12:53:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 12:57:46 PM EDT by shawnofthedead]
alright lets hear them anyone what to fess up? how about have a good laugh at someone elses expense?


ok heres one of mine

so i was seeing this girl alittle while back real cute. blonde, brown eyes, about 120 pounds, c cup. now she lived in another city going to a technical school to learn how to become a massage therapist (masuese but i can't speel that) so she would come into town every weekend and we would go out to dinner, watch a movie, and come back to my place, where i insisted on being her practice dummy. she would give me a massage then i would give here one, and then the good stuff. so anyway one weeked she came into town and during dinner she told me a new technique she wanted to try out i'm there!!

so we go back to my place and she tells me to strip and lie on the bed face down. i do and she starts to give me one of the best massages i have ever received. some kind of deep tissue shoulder, back, arms, and neck thing. so any way about 20 minutes into it i go black and fall asleep.

so i wake up the next morning with a kick in the ribs and she says she has to leave and that no matter how hard she tried she couldn't wake me up and that i was snoring all nihgt

lets just say i never got another massage after that

edit to add: i had passed out in the middle of the bed and she had to sleep on the couch needless to say she was pissed
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 12:55:07 PM EDT
I hope she didn't put the therapist in massage therapist. On some massage therapist website, they're captioning pictures of your butt.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 12:55:08 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 12:56:46 PM EDT by blacklisted]
Is this a spinoff of www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=606790?

Funny without the nasty ketchup and grilled cheese?
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 12:55:09 PM EDT
Google Tuckermax (I'm at work and I don't remember if the site has CoC violation stuff on it or not).
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 12:56:28 PM EDT
She said I wasnt her type, a few weeks later I guess she was hardup and wanted me to come over. I was with her for 6 months.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 12:58:45 PM EDT
I seriously had a chick throw up on me once while giving me a blow job.
I guess she couldn't deep throat as well as she thought.

Needless to say, that ruined "the moment".
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:00:53 PM EDT

Originally Posted By tifosi:
I seriously had a chick throw up on me once while giving me a blow job.
I guess she couldn't deep throat as well as she thought.

Needless to say, that ruined "the moment".


Had that happen but she didnt throw up on me, was able to recover the moment though
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:03:30 PM EDT

Originally Posted By blacklisted:
Is this a spinoff of www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=606790?

Funny without the nasty ketchup and grilled cheese?



sort of but thats about bad sex i'm thinking more about funny/ammusing embarrassing sex


i mean common thats halarious
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:04:14 PM EDT
Ah, yes!

The night I earned my "redwings".

I don't have time now to relate the story......remind me later.



Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:10:21 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 1:11:14 PM EDT by Alaskacajun]
One of my buddy's got a BJ from a girl and when he "went" in her mouth she threw up. He instantly threw up on the back of her head and they got caught by her dad as they jumped out to clean up in her driveway. Her dad chased him off and he never saw her again. When he told me that story I laughed so hard I was crying....

Same guy about 2 years later is hittin' this little hottie from another High School. She had a cold and was trying the reverse cowgirl position on him when she coughs and craps diarrhea all over his stomach. He told he had corn in his bush....LMAO

- Clint
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:12:52 PM EDT
riding in the back of a buddies custom van.
listening very intently to an oral presentation from an ex.
we were double dating ,my sister just meeting my bud.
he was driving involved in conversation with my sister.
runs off the road and rolls van.
paramedics were called to release me from the ex's braces.
still have the scars,very painful in many respects.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:20:55 PM EDT
Uhhm... gf was on top, mom walked in on us, and my gf didn't realize it...
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 1:27:49 PM EDT
I got caught by an Ex's mom while I was pounding her in the ass....

Mom just said "oh, excuse me..." then paused to take a fuckign look at me before walking back out


Portugese people are weird
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 3:39:48 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 3:46:23 PM EDT by Northwind]
Years ago in high school, the gf and I got going in a Borders bookstore parking lot right after closing. We had just pulled in, and I had both her breasts out of her shirt, before my eyes fully adjusted to the dark. As she began to give me a topless blowjob, my eyes became accustomed well enough to see that the car parked directly to our front had a woman sitting in the passenger seat looking VERY embarassed!!

I smiled at her, and we bailed.

ETA: That was also the end of her "adventureous" streak.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 5:19:20 PM EDT
nobody?
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 5:26:46 PM EDT
All of my sexual experiences range from sad to down right pitiful.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 5:44:13 PM EDT
Funny story... I've never had sex.

True story!
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 5:45:50 PM EDT
This one is just sad.


Back in my partying days I was fucked up with these 2 sisters. Both fairly good looking.

I don't remember anything about that night. Seriously, all I remember is drinking with them, among other things, and kissing one. My next memory is waking up in the morning with one in each arm.


This quite possibly was every mans dream and I don't know what, if anything happened
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 5:46:18 PM EDT
i was at my gf's house at the time and her mom wasnt home. we were going at it and then her mom pulled up. i didnt even have time to get dressed, i had just enough time to grab my clothes and run out the back door. i ran between the homes butt ass naked with my clothes in my arms and run thru a sandspur patch (that sucked). thank god it was dark out
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 6:03:52 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 6:04:41 PM EDT by Bigger_Hammer]
When I was in a Jr. in High School( back in 77) , I was over a a girls house who had the "hots" for me.

We were in the front Living & Dining rooms with the lights out getting more and more passionate when she told me she was tired of kissing and wanted me to kiss her "down there"...

Well like any 17 year old sex maniac I was glad to help her out with a tug down lowering of her jeans and got started right to work.

She was really Really getting into it with some awesome upward pelvic thrusts (I thought I'd have to see if I could stay on target for 8 seconds for a full ride) when her Mom walks in the front door and flips on the light.... WHAT ARE YOU DOING thunders out... All I could stammer out in a rely was "Your Daughter"

Needless to say, I was not invited over for any more dinners by Momma!

BIGGER_HAMMER
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 8:46:45 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 8:47:00 PM EDT by tyman]
I once made my ex(same girl as above) cry during sex once, does that count?

We hadnt done it in a while so she kinda tightened up a little down there and she was trying to go all the way down and it was hurting her too much.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 8:56:20 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 8:58:14 PM EDT by ZW17]
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 8:57:14 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 9:00:07 PM EDT by shawnofthedead]
alright heres another one of mine. so me and this girl who i worked with were out haveing drinks after work one day and got to the point where we were both pretty drunk when she said why don't we go back to my place/ i'm drunk do i'm thinking alright then. now this was duringn one of my dry spells and was very "unkempt" at the time so anyway. as we were started to make out she went down on me. well i'm drunk and not really "well shaven" at the time so she had to pull some hair out of her teeth. she gets on top for a little then goes back down and has to pull more hair out of her teeth. luckily for me i was able to hold back my drunken laughs as this happend about 2 more times. and well that was the only time we hooked up as after that she was known around the office as dental floss
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:05:01 PM EDT

Originally Posted By ZW17:
I met my ex girlfriend at a local park during college summer vacation to relive some high school memories

We were way down a dirt path and I was sitting on a log while she was sitting on me and all the sudden I could hear peoples voices coming from directly in front of us. I tossed her off and she ran and hid behind a very large bush. All the sudden a husband, wife, and two kids come over the small hill and see me sitting on a log, pants to my ankles, and my hog at full staff. They all just kind of froze and stared. All I could say was "Do you want to take a picture?" They got the point and quickly turned and left the way they came.

The kicker was when my exGF came out from behind the bush and asked me, "You know they only saw you and had no idea I was there?"

My friends still call me "The Park Masturbater" to this day when that story comes to light.


Hahaha, now that's some funny shit.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:19:05 PM EDT
When I was 19 I was dating a 17 yr old blue eyed blond haired WI farm girl. We were at my parents house & had just finished making the beast with two backs. I was laying in my bed with the covers pulled up about waist high & she is in the corner of my room just starting to put her panties back on.

My mom knocks on the door twice & the flings it open & says Hi!. The door then slammed shut & I burst out laughing. My girl friend was quite embarrassed, & I got a stern talking to over the incident from my mom.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:23:19 PM EDT

Originally Posted By AIRBOSS4:
In the mid eighties I was leaving a party and was followed by a thick chick with 50ZZZ's.

I got in my car and she tapped on my window...I said nah..not tonight. Then she pulled them big mothers out and put them in the open window....my fuckin' dick popped up and broke my steering wheel.

I took her home and shagged that hog LUSTPIG !


I was incognito for months.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:29:22 PM EDT
Back in the 80's me and some friends would take a ritual to "Jerry's three river campground" at the NY/PA border on the Delaware which is only a wide creek in that area running through a shallow gorge. Each year at that time (labor day ) local college students raft down the river and we would camp at Jerrys and try to slingshot jello balloons into the rafters. Anyway along about fri nite sat morn one couple in our group gets amourous in a tent next to us and as events went along her passion got louder and louder till eventually OOOOH! TODDD! OOHH! TOOOODDDD!!!! is echoing up and down the river valley. Pretty soon most of us have exited our tents and are standing down by the river trying to contain our laughter, meanwhile across the river and up and down the bank lanterns were being relit as the whole place was learning of todds prowess. Finally after about 15 mins the high point was reached and Todd and GF exhausted themselves and we were able to get back to bed.
Ironicly that was not enough to get us thrown out --- that happened the next night after a 1lb black powder/NY times/Cannon fuse/duct tape, firecracker agian awoke the peacefull "jerrys" campers at 3am. But several campers did stop down and ask which one "Todd" was
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:29:29 PM EDT
In high school, I was "romancing" my gf on the living room floor of her house. Her asshole stepfather drives in and we freak out. She runs upstairs, and I go into the downstairs bathroom to get dressed.

Her stepdad comes in, and is none the wiser. I exit the bathroom, and she comes downstairs a few minutes later, everything is fine.

About 6-7 hours later, I finally get home and get ready for bed. I undress and discover that...


I am still wearing the condom.

Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:38:04 PM EDT
I was at home getting some fine trim in the doggystyle position and when my time came, I pulled out and launched it. I got a little on her back so I wiped it off. I couldn't find what happened to the main load and didn't give it much thought. We both showered and she left and I went to sleep. The next day she was going to bring her family over to meet me. It would be her mom/dad and two younger sisters. They showed up just as I was getting home from work and we all went in and were getting to know each other. I was giving them a tour of my house and went into my bedroom and flicked on the light. Right above my bed on teh mirror was a huge jizz stain. I'm talking 18" long and splattered. No mistake as to what it was either. Everybody's eyes just went straight to it, it was that noticeable.

No one said a thing but you knew what they were thinking.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:50:50 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 8/11/2007 9:51:59 PM EDT by aaron_fsp]
When I was 19 or 20 I was at a party with fellow college students, and
a girl invited me to her place. She lived in a house with about three
female roomates. We went in her room, went to town, and afterward
I heard someone walking upstairs and the door opens and from
the hallway light its this hot girl who climbs into the bed with us.
I'm thinking "This is it!"

I say "What's your name?" and next thing I know I'm getting
nailed in the melon with her fist. I jump up and turn on a light,
and the other woman is yelling like a F'n demon. The woman
resembled Xenia Onatopp, the thigh crusher lady from James Bond.

She's full on throwing blows and I'm blocking left and right, I'm
realizing that my rule of not hitting women is a moral quandry
thats best resolved OUT OF THERE!

My date that night called me later, and we made arrangements
to hook up a few more times. Thats probably the funniest thing that
ever happened.

Link Posted: 8/11/2007 9:56:43 PM EDT
I got 3.

First one was the first girl I had. We had been teasing each other for weeks, and finally we decided to move things up. So, we are at her house, her parents are upstairs occupied with whatever. We are downstairs, door locked, and she slips her panties off under her dress, and she wants me to go down, so i do. After a few minutes, I decide to slow things down, and we stop, cuz I didn't want her folks catching us. She gets her dress back down, we hide the panties, and we are sitting pretending to watch TV, and all of a sudden, her dad walks by the window, and peaks in! 10 seconds earlier, and he would have caught me with her legs wrapped around my head!

Second one was a girl who was just a friend, but decided to be more one week while visiting me. We had a hotel room, and we were going at it, her on top, and well, she could really move her hips. She moved laterally so hard, the bed came off the frame and fell on the ground. She was very proud of that!

Third one. I started to date this chick, who was a pilot, and owned her own plane. First night was much fooling around, but wouldn't give it up, although she said she knew should would soon.

First, her definition of soon was different than mine. Two weeks go by, and there is a little fooling around, but she is holding back. She didn't want to go to her place, because we were just starting to date, and she thought that it was too soon to go there. Didn't want to go to my place, for a similar reason. We had fooled around a bit in her hanger on a couch she had there, but she didn't want to do that anymore, since some of the other pilots noticed us leaving the hanger earlier in the morning, and she caught flack from them. And she didn't want to go to a hotel, for some weird reason.

Nope, she wanted our first time to be out under the stars, in the mountains, while watching a meteor shower.

Here's where the problem comes in.

First, she got a dog that week, and was afraid to leave it anywhere, so it had to come with us, and the mutt was having some seperation anxiety when we left it in the car, and it really wasn't happy when she and I were getting it on. So the mutt was tearing up the interior of my car, yelping, howling, barking, etc. Not exactly conducive to improving the mood.

Second, she didn't want to get off the road and find a comfy spot, since she was worried about bugs, spiders, snakes, etc. So instead, she wanted to go at it basically in the middle of a forest service road. So, we blocked it off with my car, and set out some blankets.

Blankets didn't help on that gravel and concrete road though, making it very uncomfortable. Didn't matter what position we tried. Hurt like hell. She finished, and I gave up, cuz it just wasn't doing it for me.

So, we decide to be romantic, and lie naked, watching this incredible meteor shower, when another car pulls up, 20 yards away, and they get out as well, not seeing us. They are now as close to us as we are to my car, so we can't just get up, naked and walk back to the car without being seen, and we can't just lie there naked, cuz they are going to see, and that would just be uncomfortable.

I am trying to figure out our next course of action, when all of a sudden, my date starts moaning like she is having an incredible orgasm. I mean, she was loud! Lots of grunting, lots of "harder, harder", etc. And then a orgasmic scream. Well, that's one way of announcing that we were there, I suppose.

And the star gazers who had just gotten out of their car ran back to it, and took off, spraying us with gravel.

To top the night off, we get back to her hanger, and finally I get mine. Unfortunatly, the dog, who isn't on a leash, and is just wandering around the hanger, comes over and starts licking this chicks nipples right as I am finishing.

Needless to say, the evening put a serious crimp on the relationship, and we decided to go seperate paths......and she crashed her plane 3 days later.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:06:54 PM EDT
ok, here's mine:

no sex (of any kind) in almost a year now (11 months).
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:10:39 PM EDT

Originally Posted By itgoesboom:
...and she crashed her plane 3 days later.


What kind of plane was it?
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:12:29 PM EDT
I was a high school freshman.
A very drunk freshman.

She had a bit of an odor down there
Maybe more than a bit.

Did I mention how drunk I was?

She failed the finger/smell test.
That didn't slow me down.

I spewed my michelobs onto her nightstand,
causing her alarm clock to float off
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:15:00 PM EDT

Originally Posted By jfrankparnell:
ok, here's mine:

no sex (of any kind) in almost a year now (11 months).


That is pretty amusing
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:31:57 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Kalahnikid:

Originally Posted By itgoesboom:
...and she crashed her plane 3 days later.


What kind of plane was it?


Not sure the exact model, but it was a single engine tail dragger, 2 seats. She lost engine power while flying way too low, and had to put it down in some trees...and flipped it.

She was fine, and her passenger was as well. Just glad I wasn't on it.
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 10:52:20 PM EDT
Nothing spectacular here, just one story of a first date (dinner date) that led to my receiving a deep throat hummer right there in the restaurant's parking lot...followed by a trip to the backside of an abandoned building on the beach and some good old fashioned in-the-car screwing for quite a while. We steamed up the windows in a seriously classic fashion.

I still think that SOMEBODY must have noticed her giving me head in the restaurant's parking lot, but I was rather involved with paying attention to the good thing that was happening to me at the time, and not really looking at what anyone else was doing.



"Better an awkward morning than a lonely night."


CJ
Link Posted: 8/11/2007 11:16:40 PM EDT
This is not a tag.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 7:26:10 AM EDT
cough
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 7:31:16 AM EDT

Originally Posted By tyman:
My ex was still on top and she managed to squeak out a "yeaaaahhhh?" Her mom was like, "Hey guys, get around, we're going your little brother up to walk around the speedway and look at the merchandise trailers."
So my ex was like, "Alright, let us get around and we'll be out in a few mins."


??

Is that some sort of weird Kansas slang?

I have been all over the country and never heard that.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 7:37:04 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Mr_Psmith:

Originally Posted By tyman:
My ex was still on top and she managed to squeak out a "yeaaaahhhh?" Her mom was like, "Hey guys, get around, we're going your little brother up to walk around the speedway and look at the merchandise trailers."
So my ex was like, "Alright, let us get around and we'll be out in a few mins."


??

Is that some sort of weird Kansas slang?

I have been all over the country and never heard that.
I hear it all over
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 7:53:43 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Dusty_C:

Originally Posted By Mr_Psmith:

Originally Posted By tyman:
My ex was still on top and she managed to squeak out a "yeaaaahhhh?" Her mom was like, "Hey guys, get around, we're going your little brother up to walk around the speedway and look at the merchandise trailers."
So my ex was like, "Alright, let us get around and we'll be out in a few mins."


??

Is that some sort of weird Kansas slang?

I have been all over the country and never heard that.
I hear it all over


I do want to clarify that I've never been to Kansas or Nebraska
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 8:29:54 AM EDT
I'm still married at this point and the wife and I are in bed doing the missionary position when I feel a tongue do a full lick of my taint. My damned lab got up on the bed without us noticing. I'm sure he was wondering what he did wrong as I grabbed him by the collar and locked him out of the bedroom.

E-95
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 8:57:58 AM EDT
Back when I was 17 I was seeing this chick that was a straight up nympho. We went to a local lake and had sex in the water with about 100 people in close proximity. Later that evening we went to her friend's house and I hit it again. I was giving her a moustache ride and her friend's mom opened the door. Oops. There I am with a boner and my girl sitting on my face. It was awkward. I then exited out the back door and hauled ass. Damn that girl was spunky.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 10:40:42 AM EDT

Originally Posted By E-95:
I'm still married at this point and the wife and I are in bed doing the missionary position when I feel a tongue do a full lick of my taint. My damned lab got up on the bed without us noticing. I'm sure he was wondering what he did wrong as I grabbed him by the collar and locked him out of the bedroom.

E-95



Nothing like a cold, wet dog's nose up your ass while you're doing your old lady, is there?

But a full lick....I guess that deserves bonus points. I'm sure your instantaneous reaction was interesting....

CJ
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 1:48:02 PM EDT
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 3:15:09 PM EDT
I used to have a really good fuck buddy. She was a cute little blue eyed blonde who was nasty as hell in bed, but not real bright. The kind you love to screw but couldn't carry on a conversation with.

I called her Butter Bean (think butter bean hull) and my Back Door Baby. She had no idea what either meant.

One Sat. evening we were on the couch going at it doggy style.
While we were screwing I remembered the Alabama-LSU game was coming on TV, so I asked her to hand me the remote.
She didn't think twice about it until I changed the channel.
She jumped up and called me names I had never heard before.
5 min later we were going at it again.

I've thought about her many many nights since we quit seeing eachother.

She eventually married a friend of mine, if he only knew.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 3:26:09 PM EDT
I got caught in the shower with my high school girlfriend, by her mom... Her mom was not happy.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 3:29:52 PM EDT
I once fucked a lady in the woods 30 yards away from her boyfriend.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 5:55:35 PM EDT
hehe- I have a few... but this one is the best.

You probably may have heard about 'ben wa' balls. The magic balls from the orient that are supposed to give women some super fun.

Well I am here to tell you that those hand massage balls in the mall are NOT the same thing. While actually similar, the ben wa balls have a way to REMOVE them once placed in the vagina (ie a way to attach a string). Those hand massage balls DO NOT. And once inserted jumping up and down, fingers, spoons, hot baths and other methods will NOT remove them.

Yes - I know this from first hand experience.
Link Posted: 8/12/2007 5:57:41 PM EDT

Originally Posted By Mister44:
hehe- I have a few... but this one is the best.

You probably may have heard about 'ben wa' balls. The magic balls from the orient that are supposed to give women some super fun.

Well I am here to tell you that those hand massage balls in the mall are NOT the same thing. While actually similar, the ben wa balls have a way to REMOVE them once placed in the vagina (ie a way to attach a string). Those hand massage balls DO NOT. And once inserted jumping up and down, fingers, spoons, hot baths and other methods will NOT remove them.

Yes - I know this from first hand experience.


So, how much lube did..... uh... yeah, nevermind. That's a mental picture I don't need of another man.
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